Thursday, January 28, 2010
Obamoil
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Is Oregon weird?
Is Oregon weird? There seems to be ample evidence both for and against. Gordon Durand at Zeta Woof put together this map that shows that, based on measures 66 & 67, there are vast expanses of Oregon that are largely idiot-free:
Click to enlarge. Zeta Woof offers a better .bmp version that you can steal. But if you have permission, is it still stealing?
I'm in oh-so-blue Benton County. I guess I should have done a better job of intimidating voters with my nightstick. Darned vote-by-mail! You could glance at this and think that Oregon is pretty darned red. Then you could read about this psycho who felt so strongly about animal rights that he just had to go ahead and self-immolate. I'm sure the dead mink in the fur store feel a lot better now that he's made some human flambé on the sidewalk. That's dedicated blueness, right there.
I offer you this evidence. Both sides have compelling arguments, but I need a conclusive answer. Let's settle this once and for all. Is Oregon weird?
Taste of the Union Address
Obama takes his position at the podium, applause dies down. He looks over to the TelePrompTer to get his first line.
[Obama] "Buffer Overf....uh, gimme a sec..."
The 'prompter is displaying an error message:
* Buffer Overflow error in *
* module bulls__t.dll *
* Your speech is unavailable *
* Good Luck... *
********************************/
[Obama, under his breath] "Crap!"
[Obama, trying to gather his composure] "Uhh, Friends, Romans... I, uh, mean My Fellow Americans... Umm, Four scores and a few extra points ago, FDR brought forth on our incontinent a new notion, conceived in, uhh, community, and dedicated to the preparation that all men are created for equal outcomes." [Wipes sweat from brow]
[Obama, continuing] "I know that many of you were stunned by the election in Massachusetts. Let me be clear: this is change. Change is, uhh, good. But it is not the end of our big-government agenda. That election is in the past. We can't dwell on the past. We must concentrate on the now. In OreGONE, the voters there actually voted themselves a tax increase. Yes, measures 666 and 667 passed by comfortable margins. This is an affirmation of our policies."
[polite applause]
[Obama] "I've been to OreGONE once when I was on a campaign swing through bitter clinger country. It is an amazing place. You see, there's a row of mountains that runs up and down right through the state. The western side looks like Haiti, except there are hardly any minorities. They've driven away almost all viable industries, so most of the people there scrape out a living by taking the stems from their medical marijuana and weaving them into sandals that they sell to each other at hippie bazaars. The eastern side of the state looks like Afghanistan. I've been there, too, if I remember correctly. I don't recall exactly what they do there, but I think there were cattle involved somehow. In other words, these are people that are struggling. But they are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to assure the ongoing prosperity of the Ruling Class."
[applause]
[Obama] "If these people are willing to smother the grenade of outrageous spending with their own pasty white torsos, how much more should we expect the rest of the country to chip in? A lot, I say! I throw down the gauntlet tonight! I am feisty now! I am here to tell you - the lazy and the welfare recipient - that I will not back down from this fight! I will keep you lazy and on welfare, no matter what it takes!"
[enthusiastic applause]
[Obama] "We will fight in the statehouses; we will fight in the courtrooms. We will fight against Wall Street; we will fight against Main Street. We will defend our statist agenda, whatever the cost may be. We will never surrender!"
[muted applause]
[Obama] "Uhh, except to, umm, those who participate in man-caused disasters. We might surrender to some of them if they have good lawyers that we gave them."
[thunderous applause]
[Obama] "In closing, I have to cut this speech a little short. 'Cuz I have another speech I need to give, and then a round of golf. And, if, umm, you're up for re-election this year let me know. I'll try to be on vacation that week and not campaign for you, because, well, you know what I mean."
[roof-rattling applause]
[Obama] "Buffer Overf....uh, gimme a sec..."
The 'prompter is displaying an error message:
* Buffer Overflow error in *
* module bulls__t.dll *
* Your speech is unavailable *
* Good Luck... *
********************************/
[Obama, under his breath] "Crap!"
[Obama, trying to gather his composure] "Uhh, Friends, Romans... I, uh, mean My Fellow Americans... Umm, Four scores and a few extra points ago, FDR brought forth on our incontinent a new notion, conceived in, uhh, community, and dedicated to the preparation that all men are created for equal outcomes." [Wipes sweat from brow]
[Obama, continuing] "I know that many of you were stunned by the election in Massachusetts. Let me be clear: this is change. Change is, uhh, good. But it is not the end of our big-government agenda. That election is in the past. We can't dwell on the past. We must concentrate on the now. In OreGONE, the voters there actually voted themselves a tax increase. Yes, measures 666 and 667 passed by comfortable margins. This is an affirmation of our policies."
[polite applause]
[Obama] "I've been to OreGONE once when I was on a campaign swing through bitter clinger country. It is an amazing place. You see, there's a row of mountains that runs up and down right through the state. The western side looks like Haiti, except there are hardly any minorities. They've driven away almost all viable industries, so most of the people there scrape out a living by taking the stems from their medical marijuana and weaving them into sandals that they sell to each other at hippie bazaars. The eastern side of the state looks like Afghanistan. I've been there, too, if I remember correctly. I don't recall exactly what they do there, but I think there were cattle involved somehow. In other words, these are people that are struggling. But they are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to assure the ongoing prosperity of the Ruling Class."
[applause]
[Obama] "If these people are willing to smother the grenade of outrageous spending with their own pasty white torsos, how much more should we expect the rest of the country to chip in? A lot, I say! I throw down the gauntlet tonight! I am feisty now! I am here to tell you - the lazy and the welfare recipient - that I will not back down from this fight! I will keep you lazy and on welfare, no matter what it takes!"
[enthusiastic applause]
[Obama] "We will fight in the statehouses; we will fight in the courtrooms. We will fight against Wall Street; we will fight against Main Street. We will defend our statist agenda, whatever the cost may be. We will never surrender!"
[muted applause]
[Obama] "Uhh, except to, umm, those who participate in man-caused disasters. We might surrender to some of them if they have good lawyers that we gave them."
[thunderous applause]
[Obama] "In closing, I have to cut this speech a little short. 'Cuz I have another speech I need to give, and then a round of golf. And, if, umm, you're up for re-election this year let me know. I'll try to be on vacation that week and not campaign for you, because, well, you know what I mean."
[roof-rattling applause]
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Mark Steyn rules, and vote no on 66 & 67! (updated)
I love when Steyn sits in for Rush. He has an awesome way with words, and his funny pseudo-euro/Canadian/New England accent works for me, especially when he's saying something uproariously funny without any trace of giggle. Today he talked about my home state's asinine tax measures on the ballot. I haven't ranted on this issue as few of my few readers are from Oregon. I wouldn't expect you cold, callous degenerates from other states to care about our plight - so I've kept mute. But today Steyn brought national attention to it. Yay!
Anyway, democrat-controlled Oregon has been on a spending and hiring binge during our economic downturn. Literally THOUSANDS of workers added to the state payrolls. You know that line that lefties like to use? "Socialism has failed everywhere else, but ONLY because they didn't have the right people in charge. We'll get it right this time. We promise!" In Oregon, it has been modified a bit: "Ya see how FUBAR things are in California? We can follow their stupid policies, maybe even take them a bit farther, but WE can get it right!" Hence the state is going down the tubes in many ways. The state wanted to increase their biennial budget by 9%. They couldn't afford it, so now they're aiming for a 6% INCREASE. All while claiming that they're facing drastic, harsh, draconian, kiddie-starving cutbacks if they don't get their dough. The legislature then passed a couple bills to RETROACTIVELY tax 2009 "higher income" individuals and also RETROACTIVELY tax S-Corporations on 2009 GROSS RECEIPTS, not profits! Yes, we're in 2010 but they're still trying to wring money out of 2009. The federal government borrows to steal money from the future, but Oregon thinks they're smarter by trying to steal from the past! So a company that had a lot of sales but little or no profits because of crappy margins, now owes TONS OF BACK TAXES! Woohoo!
The voters had a problem with that, though, and managed to get a referendum on the ballot. Seems like an easy no-brainer "NO!" would be in order, but the state and the unions (and the ever increasing number of PERS recipients) have done a decent job of convincing the electorate that "It won't affect you! You're not rich! You have nothing to fear!" so these stupid laws may just stand. The polls show it as a tossup.
Ordinarily I'd be fuming about this. Can you imagine what will happen to the average small business that suddenly has to come up with a bunch of unforeseen tax money? Think they'll be doing any hiring any time soon? It's gonna be UGLY! But I'm not upset about this at all. Because I plan on being the LAST MAN STANDING!!! When everybody goes out of business and moves to Idaho, and I'm the only person left in the entire state, my vote will be MUCH MORE MEANINGFUL. I will install myself as Emperor-for-life and declare the State of Oregon to be a Redneck Gangsta's Paradise, with guns and liberty and justice for all. And lots of cheap, foreclosed-on homes and office buildings for my like-minded friends to buy up at pennies on the dollar. I will lead us into a bright, shiny, glorious future!!!
As a heads-up, I suggest you beat the rush and start calling dibs on cool stuff and cushy imperial jobs. Let me know right away so I can factor your desires into my lack of central planning...
UPDATE: Dunno what fraction of the ballots have been counted, but so far both bills are passing with about 56%. Ugh. My state will soon look like Detroit. But with more trees.
Anyway, democrat-controlled Oregon has been on a spending and hiring binge during our economic downturn. Literally THOUSANDS of workers added to the state payrolls. You know that line that lefties like to use? "Socialism has failed everywhere else, but ONLY because they didn't have the right people in charge. We'll get it right this time. We promise!" In Oregon, it has been modified a bit: "Ya see how FUBAR things are in California? We can follow their stupid policies, maybe even take them a bit farther, but WE can get it right!" Hence the state is going down the tubes in many ways. The state wanted to increase their biennial budget by 9%. They couldn't afford it, so now they're aiming for a 6% INCREASE. All while claiming that they're facing drastic, harsh, draconian, kiddie-starving cutbacks if they don't get their dough. The legislature then passed a couple bills to RETROACTIVELY tax 2009 "higher income" individuals and also RETROACTIVELY tax S-Corporations on 2009 GROSS RECEIPTS, not profits! Yes, we're in 2010 but they're still trying to wring money out of 2009. The federal government borrows to steal money from the future, but Oregon thinks they're smarter by trying to steal from the past! So a company that had a lot of sales but little or no profits because of crappy margins, now owes TONS OF BACK TAXES! Woohoo!
The voters had a problem with that, though, and managed to get a referendum on the ballot. Seems like an easy no-brainer "NO!" would be in order, but the state and the unions (and the ever increasing number of PERS recipients) have done a decent job of convincing the electorate that "It won't affect you! You're not rich! You have nothing to fear!" so these stupid laws may just stand. The polls show it as a tossup.
Ordinarily I'd be fuming about this. Can you imagine what will happen to the average small business that suddenly has to come up with a bunch of unforeseen tax money? Think they'll be doing any hiring any time soon? It's gonna be UGLY! But I'm not upset about this at all. Because I plan on being the LAST MAN STANDING!!! When everybody goes out of business and moves to Idaho, and I'm the only person left in the entire state, my vote will be MUCH MORE MEANINGFUL. I will install myself as Emperor-for-life and declare the State of Oregon to be a Redneck Gangsta's Paradise, with guns and liberty and justice for all. And lots of cheap, foreclosed-on homes and office buildings for my like-minded friends to buy up at pennies on the dollar. I will lead us into a bright, shiny, glorious future!!!
As a heads-up, I suggest you beat the rush and start calling dibs on cool stuff and cushy imperial jobs. Let me know right away so I can factor your desires into my lack of central planning...
UPDATE: Dunno what fraction of the ballots have been counted, but so far both bills are passing with about 56%. Ugh. My state will soon look like Detroit. But with more trees.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Need a minute? (updated)
I don't watch much TV, so I don't remember which candy company was doing that ad campaign. But you know the one I'm talking about: one person says/does something totally stupid and realizes it just a moment too late, then the magic candy bar gives that person a "do over."
If an aid helicopter were air-dropping these candies over the lib-ravaged America, I'm not sure who would throw the most vicious elbows to get some - Obama or the morons who voted for him?
UPDATE:
Seen the main "The Thrill is Gone" headline on Drudge? It links to CNN's coverage of Barry's trip toMichigan Ohio. The comments are running about 20:1 against Barry. Heh. Indeed. Faster, please.
If an aid helicopter were air-dropping these candies over the lib-ravaged America, I'm not sure who would throw the most vicious elbows to get some - Obama or the morons who voted for him?
UPDATE:
Seen the main "The Thrill is Gone" headline on Drudge? It links to CNN's coverage of Barry's trip to
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Air America kaput?
How may times we gotta flush before Air America finally goes down the drain? For years they've just refused to go away. But this time it looks like it's a done deal. If I had any energy, I'd do a happy dance. But I don't so I won't. Instead I'll just shift in my seat and giggle for a while.
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.
Barry devastating defeat
The Oval Office. Obama, Rahm, Axelrod moping.
[Rahm] "Sire, it is only one senate seat. It is not the end of Hopenchange. It may be the end of Camelot, but Hopenchange lives on. We can still buy off a few votes and get the healthcare seizure bill passed."
[Obama] "Rahm, that's easy for you to say from the solitude of your little closet office. But I'm The One who is suffering for it. Face it. We just got reamed. My rearend feels like a smallblock Chevy that's just been bored .060" over. If I can't pull a democrat to victory in Massachusetts, I mean, wow. What kind of loser have I become? This sucks."
[Axelrod] "It's because of that moonbat Pelosi." [spit] "Those SF/Berkeley type moonbats are plenty moonbatty, but they don't know crap about actually getting things done. We need a moonbat with some organizing ability in that position. Then we'll get somewhere."
[Obama] "I'm all for passing the buck and blaming others, but sooner or later it reflects on me. I gotta get out of here. Go get some air."
Obama exits. He takes a walk to the cemetery to visit the grave of Saul Alinsky.
[Obama, kneeling before the headstone of Alinsky, ululating mournfully] "Lalalalalalalala. Master, where have I erred? Lalalalalalala."
[Ghost of Alinsky] "Disciple! How dare you approach me without a suitable sacrifice! I demand a burnt offering!"
[Obama] "Oh, yeah! Sorry!" [pulls little American flag out of his pocket and lights it on fire. The ashes float downward, speckling the ground around the gravesite]
[Ghost] "Much better. Now what were you saying?"
[Obama] "Master, nothing seems to be working. It seems everthing I touch turns to crap."
[Ghost] "Duh. I might be spending eternity in a fiery prison, but I have a little bit of a clue. Tell me something I don't already know."
[Obama] "Ummm. Huh. Ummm. I thought you pretty much knew everything."
[Ghost] "Not really. That book I wrote was never meant to be a roadmap to success. I just needed the money so I threw together a few rules. You know, just taking some advantage of the social climate of the day. I knew a book about rabble rousing would get me some quick cash. You all have taken it way to seriously."
[Obama] "You mean..."
[Ghost] "Yeah, you're screwed. Heh. I always wanted to destroy the Presidency. Would've been cool if it had happened in my lifetime, but this is still pretty awesome."
[Obama] "You suck. I'm outta here."
[Ghost] "See ya! Oh, don't worry, I'll save you a seat in the underworld!"
Obama stomps off with a pouting look back at the grave, and gives a not-so-subtle head-scratch middle finger towards it. He then returns to the Oval Office.
[Obama] "Any great ideas while I was gone?"
[Axelrod] "We haven't been liberal enough. We need to tack to the left."
[Obama] "Raping the car companies, making the bailed-out banks dance for us, nationalizing the student loan biz, giving rights to misunderstood participants in man-caused disasters? That ain't liberal enough?"
[Axelrod] "Yeah, you're right. That's all pretty darned liberal. I guess I'm out of ideas."
[Rahm] "Sire, I suggest we tack toward the center like Clinton did. You'll regain much of your adoration."
[Obama] "Adoration from a bunch of redneck racist bitter clingers. Great. I think I can do without that. I really want the nutroots to support me like they used to. That would make me happy. Besides, how the heck are we going to socialize everything if we stop doing socialisty stuff?"
[Rahm] "OK, you got me on that one. I guess I'm out of ideas, too."
[Obama] "You fools better come up with a plan. Like, quick, dude. If we don't get it turned around, Michelle will stop being proud. You really, really don't want that."
[Axelrod] "Gulp!"
[Rahm] "Sire, it is only one senate seat. It is not the end of Hopenchange. It may be the end of Camelot, but Hopenchange lives on. We can still buy off a few votes and get the healthcare seizure bill passed."
[Obama] "Rahm, that's easy for you to say from the solitude of your little closet office. But I'm The One who is suffering for it. Face it. We just got reamed. My rearend feels like a smallblock Chevy that's just been bored .060" over. If I can't pull a democrat to victory in Massachusetts, I mean, wow. What kind of loser have I become? This sucks."
[Axelrod] "It's because of that moonbat Pelosi." [spit] "Those SF/Berkeley type moonbats are plenty moonbatty, but they don't know crap about actually getting things done. We need a moonbat with some organizing ability in that position. Then we'll get somewhere."
[Obama] "I'm all for passing the buck and blaming others, but sooner or later it reflects on me. I gotta get out of here. Go get some air."
Obama exits. He takes a walk to the cemetery to visit the grave of Saul Alinsky.
[Obama, kneeling before the headstone of Alinsky, ululating mournfully] "Lalalalalalalala. Master, where have I erred? Lalalalalalala."
[Ghost of Alinsky] "Disciple! How dare you approach me without a suitable sacrifice! I demand a burnt offering!"
[Obama] "Oh, yeah! Sorry!" [pulls little American flag out of his pocket and lights it on fire. The ashes float downward, speckling the ground around the gravesite]
[Ghost] "Much better. Now what were you saying?"
[Obama] "Master, nothing seems to be working. It seems everthing I touch turns to crap."
[Ghost] "Duh. I might be spending eternity in a fiery prison, but I have a little bit of a clue. Tell me something I don't already know."
[Obama] "Ummm. Huh. Ummm. I thought you pretty much knew everything."
[Ghost] "Not really. That book I wrote was never meant to be a roadmap to success. I just needed the money so I threw together a few rules. You know, just taking some advantage of the social climate of the day. I knew a book about rabble rousing would get me some quick cash. You all have taken it way to seriously."
[Obama] "You mean..."
[Ghost] "Yeah, you're screwed. Heh. I always wanted to destroy the Presidency. Would've been cool if it had happened in my lifetime, but this is still pretty awesome."
[Obama] "You suck. I'm outta here."
[Ghost] "See ya! Oh, don't worry, I'll save you a seat in the underworld!"
Obama stomps off with a pouting look back at the grave, and gives a not-so-subtle head-scratch middle finger towards it. He then returns to the Oval Office.
[Obama] "Any great ideas while I was gone?"
[Axelrod] "We haven't been liberal enough. We need to tack to the left."
[Obama] "Raping the car companies, making the bailed-out banks dance for us, nationalizing the student loan biz, giving rights to misunderstood participants in man-caused disasters? That ain't liberal enough?"
[Axelrod] "Yeah, you're right. That's all pretty darned liberal. I guess I'm out of ideas."
[Rahm] "Sire, I suggest we tack toward the center like Clinton did. You'll regain much of your adoration."
[Obama] "Adoration from a bunch of redneck racist bitter clingers. Great. I think I can do without that. I really want the nutroots to support me like they used to. That would make me happy. Besides, how the heck are we going to socialize everything if we stop doing socialisty stuff?"
[Rahm] "OK, you got me on that one. I guess I'm out of ideas, too."
[Obama] "You fools better come up with a plan. Like, quick, dude. If we don't get it turned around, Michelle will stop being proud. You really, really don't want that."
[Axelrod] "Gulp!"
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Assorted Public Service Announcements
Research into the causes of vehicle accidents has reached some interesting conclusions. Factors such as intoxication, distractedness and driver skill certainly contribute to the likelihood of an accident, but the main factor is time spent on the road. Yes, the chances of being clobbered on the road are directly proportional to the time one spends on the road. The drunken idiot in the lift-kitted F350 is much less likely to clobber somebody who never rides in a car.
As a service to my readers, I therefore suggest that each of you buy an exotic sports car and drive it as FAST AS YOU FLAMIN' CAN, to minimize the time spent on our roadways. Get where ya gotta go, and do it as quickly as possible. Speed limits that keep you on the road for all those extra hours are just an attempt by the man to get you run over. The man doesn't want you to live long enough to collect Social Security so he keeps you on the roads. Speeds limits are stupid rules that you may now feel free to disregard.
-----------------
"You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!" is another stupid rule. Feel free to disregard this one, too.
-----------------
Dear poor, pitiable, sniveleing liberals: I know it is contrary to your wussified nature, but now is the time to FIGHT! The election in MA has everything to do with Coakley sucking and nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with your toxic agenda. Do not back down now. Continue to use any means necessary to try to shove your policies down an unwilling throat. 'Cuz it's like 4th-n-goal at the 1. You'll never have another chance like this. Guys like Bayh and Webb who want to back down now will get you nothing but lost elections. Throw everything you have into a hard pivot to the far, far, left and I wink-wink-double-pinky-promise that things will go fine for you in the mid-term elections.
---------------
I recreated my old three-column layout using the same tricks that Mike suggested when I originally changed over. Unfortunately, it put both the sidebars on the right, one beneath the other. You'd think there'd be a simple "sidebar justify:left" line or something, but nooooo. I can probably piddle around in the code and figure out what's wrong, but if you're an XML hero out there who can speed me through the process, I'll gladly say lots of nice things about you in exchange for some hints.
As a service to my readers, I therefore suggest that each of you buy an exotic sports car and drive it as FAST AS YOU FLAMIN' CAN, to minimize the time spent on our roadways. Get where ya gotta go, and do it as quickly as possible. Speed limits that keep you on the road for all those extra hours are just an attempt by the man to get you run over. The man doesn't want you to live long enough to collect Social Security so he keeps you on the roads. Speeds limits are stupid rules that you may now feel free to disregard.
-----------------
"You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!" is another stupid rule. Feel free to disregard this one, too.
-----------------
Dear poor, pitiable, sniveleing liberals: I know it is contrary to your wussified nature, but now is the time to FIGHT! The election in MA has everything to do with Coakley sucking and nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with your toxic agenda. Do not back down now. Continue to use any means necessary to try to shove your policies down an unwilling throat. 'Cuz it's like 4th-n-goal at the 1. You'll never have another chance like this. Guys like Bayh and Webb who want to back down now will get you nothing but lost elections. Throw everything you have into a hard pivot to the far, far, left and I wink-wink-double-pinky-promise that things will go fine for you in the mid-term elections.
---------------
I recreated my old three-column layout using the same tricks that Mike suggested when I originally changed over. Unfortunately, it put both the sidebars on the right, one beneath the other. You'd think there'd be a simple "sidebar justify:left" line or something, but nooooo. I can probably piddle around in the code and figure out what's wrong, but if you're an XML hero out there who can speed me through the process, I'll gladly say lots of nice things about you in exchange for some hints.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I was in the middle of changing the color scheme to various shades of Brown. Ya know, for some fairly obvious reasons. I NEVER CLICKED ANYTHING ABOUT CHANGING TEMPLATE!
Crap!
Crap!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Possibly the greatest quote I've ever read
You've probably already seen this at NRO or AoSHQ. But I'm glomming it anyway, for you simply must not miss this line from John "Cliff Clavin" Ratzenberger at a Scott Brown rally:
This isn't the Democratic party of our fathers and grandfathers. This is the party of Woodstock hippies. I was at Woodstock — I built the stage. And when everything fell apart, and people were fighting for peanut-butter sandwiches, it was the National Guard who came in and saved the same people who were protesting them. So when Hillary Clinton a few years ago wanted to build a Woodstock memorial, I said it should be a statue of a National Guardsman feeding a crying hippie.I hope the moonbats have up-to-date dental records, 'cuz ol' Cliffy just flamed them beyond all recognition. Wooooo!
Martha wants your vote!
OK. Things have gone horribly, horribly wrong. Unless you are one of the ACORN voters bused in from the Bronx, in which case things are harrible! I admit that I haven't run much of a campaign. Really, when was the last time a dem had to actually try to win a senate seat here? So I confess to being woefully underprepared. And to those of you who are counting on the big democrat machine to carry me through: There ain't no big democrat machine here. Usually being a democrat is all it takes. We aren't a swing state like Illinois, where it takes a lot of dirty tricks to get the crummy dem candidate into office. We don't have a well-established Daley-esque juggernaut. We're used to just coasting over the finish line. Now I need your help. I need your vote(s).
People say that when I speak, it reminds them of the time Joey ripped a big fart during the wedding vows. So I'm not much of a public speaker. Please don't hold that against me. People also say my record as Attorney General is unremarkable except for a few controversial sex crime prosecutions. That I am a nasty, withered nag who hasn't "gotten any" since 1986 is not at all related to my conduct during those prosecutions. It was all just judicial expediency to pad my résumé. Really.
So I am not much of an orator, not much of a campaigner, not much of an AG. Nor am I much to look at. But I am a democrat and that's what counts. But what really counts even more is my feelings. I don't have very many, so each one is precious. I would simply destroy me to go down in history as the democrat that sucked so bad I lost Teddy's family throne to a no-name republican. Pleeeeease don't let that happen to me. There is just no way I can go through life being the goat, like that Will Buckner guy who was a Yankee fan and let that homerun go through his legs, allowing the New Jersey Astros to beat our Red Sox right down there at Benway Park. If that happened I'd, I'd, I'd probably get all misty-eyed. I'd shed little frigid ice-lady tearsicles all over the streets of New England. I say we've already had enough icy roads this winter. So please give me your vote(s)!
This message paid for by the Increasingly Desperate Coakley for Senate Committee.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Crazy Saudi Neighbor Chronicles, Vol. 1
A recent comment from aA jars to mind some events from back in the mid-'90s. I was living in an apartment in a neighborhood populated mostly by college students. The whole area was practically "Life After Humans" during the summer, which I thought was great. One year I had a guy move in downstairs from Saudi Arabia. Nice guy. He was in a summerlong crash-course on learning English. So he would ALWAYS want to talk. About anything. Just to practice and build vocab. So we'd hang out and yak about whatever.
Often we'd be down in his place, as it was cooler down there on the ground floor. He had exactly NO furniture. Just a couple pillows and a TV. I guess that's understandable when one considers that he would only be here a few months. So, one day he offers me a graham cracker. I wasn't really hungry, but I hadn't had a graham cracker in, like, forever, so I accepted. Then he offered me some tea.
Background info: I HATE TEA. I hate the taste. The smell of tea brewing makes me cringe. Tea and coconuts are the only menu items in hell. Both induce in me a nearly irrepressible revulsion.
So in a half-polite/half-casual manner that is my usual style, I told him "nah, no thanks."
Mr. Friendly Arab Who Likes to Chitchat in English freaked out like I'd slandered da profit himself. "In my country I would KEEEEEEL YOU! You will not deny my hospitality!!!" I was still sitting on the floor as he charged back in from the kitchen pointing his finger in my face yelling. I should have just given him a gut-punch lesson in tolerance, but the whole thing was so abrupt and shocking that I was kind of dumbfounded.
"Alright, alright, I'll have some *&@#^$ tea!" (I was less disciplined with regard to colorful language back in those days)
One microsip of tea later, everything was fine. He was all smiles and ready to talk about anything and everything.
Sheesh.
Often we'd be down in his place, as it was cooler down there on the ground floor. He had exactly NO furniture. Just a couple pillows and a TV. I guess that's understandable when one considers that he would only be here a few months. So, one day he offers me a graham cracker. I wasn't really hungry, but I hadn't had a graham cracker in, like, forever, so I accepted. Then he offered me some tea.
Background info: I HATE TEA. I hate the taste. The smell of tea brewing makes me cringe. Tea and coconuts are the only menu items in hell. Both induce in me a nearly irrepressible revulsion.
So in a half-polite/half-casual manner that is my usual style, I told him "nah, no thanks."
Mr. Friendly Arab Who Likes to Chitchat in English freaked out like I'd slandered da profit himself. "In my country I would KEEEEEEL YOU! You will not deny my hospitality!!!" I was still sitting on the floor as he charged back in from the kitchen pointing his finger in my face yelling. I should have just given him a gut-punch lesson in tolerance, but the whole thing was so abrupt and shocking that I was kind of dumbfounded.
"Alright, alright, I'll have some *&@#^$ tea!" (I was less disciplined with regard to colorful language back in those days)
One microsip of tea later, everything was fine. He was all smiles and ready to talk about anything and everything.
Sheesh.
It's alive!
The 'puter shop said the mobo had a sketchy capacitor. No wonder I had such little luck tracking down the problem. New mobo, new SATA hard drive, fresh install of windoze and things seem to be going pretty well. Unfortunately I lost my (not quite fully completely thoroughly totally legal) copy of CorelDRAW/PhotoPAINT so that's a bummer. Downloaded Inkscape and Gimp to make do. They look pretty cool but I have to learn all the quirks of those programs.
Grand total, about $200. Unfortunately, that's about $200 more than I could really afford right now. Until payday that pretty much means I have to live off water and the little spice packets that come in ramen noodles since I'm out of ramen but for some reason have a bunch of the little spice packs in the back of the junk drawer.
Grand total, about $200. Unfortunately, that's about $200 more than I could really afford right now. Until payday that pretty much means I have to live off water and the little spice packets that come in ramen noodles since I'm out of ramen but for some reason have a bunch of the little spice packs in the back of the junk drawer.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Barney says get out and vote!
Ms. Coakwey is the perfect embodiment of the modern Democrat: Entitled, lazy, rather inept, and quite mean. Seriously - put a doily on her head and try to tell me she wouldn't look exactwy wike Nurse Ratched. She went to the wight schools. What else can you ask for? She even had the foresight to begin campaigning before Teddy was all the way dead. This is the kind of pwo-active leadership we desperately need to bweak the logjam in DC.
Then again, that Scott Brown is one hot man! He, being a far-wight teabagger, is no doubt straighter than a laser beam in a vacuum and pwobably not interested in a fat weasel like me. But you never know. Stranger things have happened. At the very weast, I'd get to be in the same room as him during the State of the Union addresses. That would be pwetty cool.
So get out and vote!
------------------------------------------This message paid for by the "Bawney Fwank Mean Chick and/or Hot Guy for Senate" Committee.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Bending the Curve of Verizon Suckitude
Verizon Wireless has been a pain in my pooper since late summer. My kid, while spending the summer traveling, had his phone crap out. Verizon said they'd send a replacement ASAP which they did and would bill us $200 which would be credited as soon as they received the dud phone from us. The replacement phone promptly crapped out in the same fashion of the first. My kid, reluctant to keep playing this game, bought a different model of phone with his own out-of-pocket dough. At the end of the summer he was back from his travels and we sent in the original dud phone. No credit appeared on the next bill. We called. They didn't know what we're talking about. We gave them a FedEx tracking # and then they said "Oh, yeah! Here's your credit!" Next statement came, no credit appeared. "We need your tracking #!!!" they said over and over, but we had misplaced it. Remember, by this point, we've been fussing for about 3 months. We refused to pay the $200, so they partially disabled our phones. Incoming calls and texts still work, but no outgoing. We called and called. Every time, we'd have to start the whole story from the beginning, and every time they'd demand the tracking number. After literal HOURS of phone tag with these fools, we'd decided to give up on them. Then they said they'd split the difference with us. I told them to go take a piss into a stiff headwind. "Your phones, your policies, and your procedures suck, but you want ME to give YOU and extra $100? Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full!"
So today, out of the blue, they say they'll just go ahead and credit the $200. Hmmm. I was all set to change providers and then write them a really nasty, harshly worded note. Kinda like Hillary sends to dictatorial thugs in Third World countries. Now I don't know what I'll do. They've acquiesced to my demands, but I still hate them. Part of me doesn't want the hassle of switching companies, but the other part of me doesn't want to miss out on telling them exactly how I feel, using the most "vibrant" language I can muster.
Better sleep on it...
So today, out of the blue, they say they'll just go ahead and credit the $200. Hmmm. I was all set to change providers and then write them a really nasty, harshly worded note. Kinda like Hillary sends to dictatorial thugs in Third World countries. Now I don't know what I'll do. They've acquiesced to my demands, but I still hate them. Part of me doesn't want the hassle of switching companies, but the other part of me doesn't want to miss out on telling them exactly how I feel, using the most "vibrant" language I can muster.
Better sleep on it...
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