Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Have another question

The other day, I asked about flag handling and got good info from y'all.  So I'm going to that well again to draw up another bucket of your wisdom...

A funeral home brought in a bronze urn to be engraved.  Not that unusual.  It had bronze legs on it.  Still not that unusual.  But the bronze legs are arranged such that I can't hold the thing still with the legs attached.  So the legs gotta come off.  Of course the screws are on the inside...

(Breaker-breaker.  Scooney, ya got yer ears on?)

The urn already had cremains in it, from the spouse of the person who just passed.  The funeral home removed and stored those remains, to go back in after the engraving is done.  If you've ever messed with cast bronze, you might know that the inside (where nobody ever sees) is rough and nasty.  Lots of little nooks and crevices that can hold cremains.

So all of a sudden, I have a little pile of stuff on the engraving table.  Coarser than sand but finer than cornmeal.  So that's what cremains look like...

Brushing them into the trash seemed uncool.  So I took a can of "Blow Off" canned air and scattered them to the four winds.  Is this sacrilege?  Have I just opened the Ninth Portal of Hades?  Are cats and dogs gonna start living together?  Are Captain and Tennille going on a Worldwide Reunion Tour?

Please, tell me everything is going to be alright!


  1. Didn't you do some research before taking that kind of action? That's unbelievably rash - and wrong. Not that you're going to spend eternity in a lake of brimstone or anything, though you might wish for it - you've just re-animated Ted Kennedy.
    Like I said - wrong.

  2. You are sooooo screwed! There'll be Zombie cockroaches and ants coming out of the wood work to eat your braaaaiiiins in


    1. OK bugs, bring it on! I'm ready!!

      Besides, the ants are the only thing supporting the woodwork. If they come out, everything will collapse!

    2. Dang! I want one of them things! (I didn't pre-order but I DID bookmark the site)

    3. Yeah, I don't actually own one, either. At least not yet. I'm one of those "let the hasty fools buy version 1.0" people. As soon as I hear that it works as advertised, I'm all over it!

  3. Wait....Captain and Tennille are going on a reunion tour? I am so there, man!

  4. The Captain and Tennille have never stopped touring. They are still regulars in Tahoe and their last album was in 2007. So, yes, you are in danger.

  5. I'll defer to Scooney. I KNOW he's encountered this sorta thang before.

  6. I think you meant, "Are The Carpenters going on a reunion tour?"

    Unless somebody had a really, really sensitive scale, you're the only one who'll know
    Even if they do have a sensitive scale you can tell them the weight loss is due to engraving

    It's only really a lie if it's malicious

  7. If Michelle Obama starts dressing tastefully you're screwed. I hope the grid holds.

  8. Sounds like a Monty Python moment. I seem to have MP on the brain tonight... When my dad's sealed box came home from Hawaii, it was very strange. You could shake it and hear things rattle inside...

  9. Oh, the stories I could tell about people scattering cremains, and not paying attention to which way the wind was blowing! One elderly lady had her four husband's urns on the mantle, looked like trophys, talk about a black widow!
    You did the right thing with your can of compressed air, but I would however keep a silver bullet in your pocket to ward off the evil zombie cockroaches!

  10. As long as they cremainee does mind, neither should you! Besides, they probably tried to lose a few pounds prior to inhabitting that urn, so you actually did them a avor by blowing off 11 pounds of ass...GOOD JOB!!!

  11. EDIT: 'Ddesn't' mind....

  12. Awww...forget it!!! See what these kids have done to my mind???


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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