Saturday, May 2, 2009

Barry big problems need solving, Part 2

[Casey] "We still need to address the the problems of the Mexican Pig Death, the open borders, the attacks on capitalism, and the attacks on our moral fabric...."

[ChuckN, holding finger in the air] "Shhhh." [Looks around] [Springs from seat, planting one foot on the table] [Does cartwheel spinning double roundhouse backfist chop in pike position (degree of difficulty 4.3) ] "Hi-yaa!" [Lands smoothly on feet in perfect butt-kicking posture]

[SarahP] "What the.."

[ChuckN] "Well, that's ONE Mexican Pig Death Virus that won't be bothering anybody ever again."

[FredT] "Are you trying to tell us that you just karate-chopped a virus in midair?"

[ChuckN] "Yes. Would you like to see it again?"

[Cheney] "Umm, maybe later."

[ChuckN] "I don't like your tone. Be reminded that I routinely beat crap out of terrorists half my age."

[Cheney] "Now I know I'm no spring chicken, either. So maybe I'm not the one to talk, but people even half your age are considering AARP membership. I dunno if I'd crow too loudly about all that."

[Casey] "Remember! The Soros is trying to turn us against each other!"

[ChuckN] "Sorry."

[FredT] "American immune systems seem to be stronger than others. If we could just stop the inflow of infected illegals, and get people to take a 3-day weekend, I think this whole Mexican Pig Death would burn itself out in short order."

[ChuckN] "I'll handle the border. I played a Texas Ranger. I know what to do."

[Cheney] "Oh geez."

[ChuckN pulls bottle of Geritol from coat pocket and downs several tablets]

[SarahP offers Chuck a sip of melted glacier from her bearskin canteen]

[ChuckN] "No thanks, ma'am. I don't need a chaser." [ChuckN's muscles grow dramatically right before their eyes. His beard becomes fuller, and the few gray hairs on his head return to their original color]

[ChuckN, to Cheney] "Geritol is to Chuck Norris as spinach is to Popeye."

[Cheney looks away timidly and whistles quietly]

[Casey] "Fred and Chuck seem to have the Mexican Pig Death / Illegal Border Crossing problem dealt with. I suggest that I use my skills at disguise to confuse The Soros."

[Jindal] "Yeah!" [aside to audience "I finally get another line in this script! woohoo!"] "If we can sever the relation between The Soros and The Obama, our outlook will be much improved. We know that The Obama gets text messages from Scarlett Johannsen. Maybe I should hack her Verizon acc..."[Types furiously on laptop] "Done! What do we want Scarlet to say?"

[FredT] "Scarlett who?"

[SarahP] "Just another hollywood liberal with sluttish tendencies."

[ChuckN] "Back in the day, when me 'n Fred were making commie-bustin' movies, we didn't need any sluttish liberals in our flicks. The women in our movies, while pretty, were mainly there because they were smart and had important roles with quality dialogue."

[FredT] "You tell 'em, Chuck!"

[Jindal] "How about I mess with The Soros' hedge fund?" [insanely fast typing] "Heh. I just put in a buy order for The Soros. He's getting a billion shares of Chrysler tomorrow! He'll be broke by this time tomorrow! Ha! How's that crisis treating you now, you sunnybeach!"

[collective laughter]

[SarahP] "Gee, Bobby! I knew you were smart, but I had no idea!"

[Jindal, blushing] "I've memorized pi to 1000 digits." [pulls out abacus, slides little abacus doo-dads around at breakneck speed] "and the 1001'th digit is '7' "

[Casey] "This is going remarkably well. Soon the progressive bloggers will have to find actual work, because The Soros will have nothing to pay them. Then they'll find that The Obama's tax policies aren't so wonderful after all. Which brings us around to the economy."

[Jindal typing like mad. Fingers flying around the keyboard like spent brass being ejected from a minigun] "OK, I've whipped up a little model."

[Microsoft Excel] "recalculating..."

[Jindal] "Hurry up! OK, it's done. Finally. My model has some assumptions, including oil at $60/bbl for the next year, then trending up to $90/bbl over the next two. Further assumptions include the expiration of Bush's tax cuts, and the dollar remaining..."

[Cheney] "OK! Enough details! Are you gonna tell us the result before I die?"

[Jindal] "My calculations show you will live another 7.2 years. What's the hurry?"

[Cheney raises hand to backslap Jindal]

[Jindal] "OK. Short version? We're all screwed. If you don't know Mandarin or Hindi, you should learn soon, because The Obama will bankrupt us in 1.37 years. On the plus side, I am fluent in both of those languages, so I will probably get preferential treatment in the labor camps."

[FredT] "NEVER!"

[SarahP] "Right! I have an idea... Since every weasel north of the equator is bent on digging through my trash, I should put a forged "

[Jindal typing at high subsonic speeds] "Here you go. The attached .pdf should appear in your inbox momentarily."

[SarahP] "Ahem! ...a forged Obama birth certificate in my trash. It'll say that I am actually The Obama's mom. That'll give the troofers something to woof about! And I have a knack for stealing any news cycle I want with just a few words. I'll equivocate for a while, allowing the rumors to get traction. Then I'll tell the world it is true! Every liberal head will finally cave in from the vacuum inside their mushy skulls!"

[Casey] "Genius! Pure Genius! We shall reclaim our country!"


  1. OMG This is so funny (both parts) that I had to stop reading it at work for a couple of minutes. I sent it to one of my co-workers (so far) and will forward it on to others.

    Chuck Norris kicking a Pig Death Virus in mid-air. HOW DO YOU THINK OF THIS STUFF?!


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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