Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Paul says we need the VAT

Greetings.  My name is Paul Volcker, former honcho at the Federal Reserve.  I was nominated to that position by one James Earl Carter, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know.  Presently I am an economic advisor to pResident Obeyme. 

In light of record deficits and new entitlements being enacted, it is necessary that the US Government receive more revenue.  Much more.  That's where the VAT comes in.  It is like a sales tax, but invisible to the consumer.  Well, except for the prices of everything being way higher.  But the price on the tag will be the price you pay.  That is good.  Because really, don't you hate it when you go to the dollar store and after all the taxes are added in, it is really more like $1.11?  Actually, that's kind of a rhetorical question as I would never set foot in a dollar store or a WalMart.  Ewww. 

See, with VAT, whenever Value (the "V" in "VAT") is Added (the "A") to something, the government wrings some money out of the deal.  Example: When the mining company extracts some dirt from a hole and turns it into iron ore, the iron ore has more value than dirt, so the government gets paid.  Then when the ore is turned into sheetmetal, the government gets paid.  When the sheetmetal gets formed into a toasteroven, the government gets paid.  When you go to pay for the toasteroven that used to be $19, it'll cost about $45.  But there won't be any taxes added when you go through the check-out line, so you won't even notice.  Isn't that cool?  And don't worry about those people that say it'll drive manufacturing overseas.  Wouldn't you really rather be a street musician than a factory worker anyway?

Again, the glory of this plan is that you won't even notice.  All the problems of government overspending will be solved painlessly.  You won't even be aware of all the VAT you pay.  You won't notice it.  You won't feel it.  Like I always say: if you are under anesthesia and you don't even feel what's being done to you, is it really sodomy?

11 comments:

  1. Mr. Volcker, I cordially invite you to go ... live in Greece if you like taxes so much.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Inno...brilliant! Seriously.

    I would start highlighting phrases that struck a chord, but I'd have to re-post the whole thing.

    "Obeyme!" Nyuk!!!

    "Like I always say: if you are under anesthesia and you don't even feel what's being done to you, is it really sodomy?"

    Dude, that is so WAY stolen by me for future use...SO WAY STOLEN!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Is it really sodomy - brilliant (even though that's already been said, you deserve to hear it again!!).

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nice job, Inn.

    "You won't even notice!"

    Why does my butt feel sore, Paul?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I thought you put it so well, and the Obey boys had flipped their collective wigs. Then I realized in California I pay 8.25% in sales tax already (not where you live Innominatus). I also take raw materials and manufacture and sell as finished goods. I'm screwed big time. I think I'll retire AGAIN.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Aren't we just being selfish by not wanting to pay our fair share of taxes? Isn't it our duty to help pResident God who walks on Earth redistribute our income?

    Yeah, I didnt' think so either.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Gee... If this VAT goes through, it sounds like we're going to be raped by the government.

    Fabulous Post!

    I think Volcker should pay the VAT tax himself. He can do his part, solely, to reduce the deficit.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So that's what sodomy is like!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anyone like this moron and his "boss" should go stick their heads in a VAT of sulfuric acid if they think having YET ANOTHER TAX is a good idea.

    In Chicago, I'm taxed at 10.25% the WORST in Nation.
    These clowns better STUF and quit trying to tax everything, because people are angry now, and if this goes thru, I hate to think what will happen.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Snarky - maybe put him on the other side of Guam so it won't tip over?

    Andy - thanks. Steal at will.

    Velcro - thanks also

    King Shamus - you woke up too soon

    Woodsterman - yep, no sales tax here! That's one reason so many Californians come here after they retire. Unfortunately most bring all their dumb liberal ideas with them.

    Infidel - he's light enough in the loafers that I think he floats on Earth.

    Teresa - Thanks. Maybe Whoopi Goldberg can say "Well, it wasn't rape-rape!"

    Matt - always remember, the gov't buys its lube from the lowest bidder.

    Amusing Bunni - Let's trick 'em into bobbing for apples in that VAT

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, you're missing some rollicking good entertainment by avoiding the Wal-Mart!

    We gotta stop this VAT thing before the machine gets accustomed to having that revenue -- it'll kill any chance for a flat or fair tax for good.

    Great piece!

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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