The Airing of Grievances

Can't wait for this rotten year to be over.  Dunno what it is about even-numbered years, but they SUCK.  If there's gonna be a death in the family, a major financial reversal, relationship problems, etc... it'll happen in an even-numbered year.  Clockwork.  Automatic.  Every time.

In less than a week, though, everything will be awesome and I'll have nothing to complain about.  The Sands of Time for me are running low, so I better hurry up and get on with the complaining!

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Pictured:  Stealth Gun Control

I don't think we even own this one. (Yet).  I just glommed the pic from google image search.  But we have every one of its diabolical cousins.  "What did Santa bring you?" "Another @#$%^& noisy toy that devours batteries and I never play with except when you're tired and/or have a headache! Thanks, Santa!"  Holy crap, whatever happened to toys that weren't so "interactive"?  Is it such a crime to give a little kid a toy truck?  That doesn't have a functional horn?  One of these @#$%^&* things even talks when it isn't being used.  After it sits idle for about 10 minutes, it says "Bye, bye! Let's play again soon!" and powers itself down.  Startles the crap out of me every time.  Even the !@#$%^&* stuffed animals have noisemakers in them.  And batteries.  So when the brat bangs it on the table, instead of a nearly inaudible "poof" there's a big "WHAM" from its hard plastic guts hitting the hardwood.  Evil.  And when the brat barfs on that stuffed animal, I have to do a noise-mech-ectomy on the barfy thing before we can throw it in the washing machine.  I swear the modern toy industry exists only to drive sound-minded people so completely, clinically, insane, that they'll fail the background check at the gun store.

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I have an earache.  Seriously.  Dude.  I hadn't had one in over 30 years.  What next?  I remember reading somewhere that antibiotics don't really help an earache that much, so I think I'll try to tough it out without seeing a doc.  Or maybe that was strep throat.  Whatever.  If I lose the hearing in that ear and my whole brain becomes infected I don't think it'll affect me much, except the quality of my blog posts might improve a bit.

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My Beavs looked like they had the Alamo Bowl well in hand.  Then suddenly the Texas QB pulled his head out of his Ash and started making plays.  Also, blocking Okafor must have been an elective class that none of our O-line bothered to enroll in.  The Longhorns came roaring back in the 2nd half and won.  Gack.

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On the bright side, the local buzz is that the Quackheads about an hour south of me are going to have a very unhappy new year.  Sounds like the Ducks' recruiting violations are gonna cost them a couple years of Bowl eligibility.  Look for Coach Kelly to jump to the NFL about 3 milliseconds after the Fiesta Bowl is over.

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I bought my wife a(nother) digital camera for Christmas.  I told the chick at the camera counter "I don't care about megapixels.  I don't care about optical zoom.  I don't care about the capacity of the memory card.  I want a camera that won't #$%^&* explode into a million pieces the first time it is dropped, which, coincidentally, is usually the first time it is used."  She suggested some model of Fuji Finepix.  I took her suggestion.  So far, so good.  [looks for wood to knock on]

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What's with sippy cups?  Would it be that hard to standardize them?  I have a drawer full of sippy lids and a cupboard full of sippy cups, but @#$%^&* if I can ever get a lid to match up with a cup.  Even the #$%^&* Dora The Explorer lids won't fit on the Dora The Ex-whore-a cups.  And they're all vacuum-formed with little "grippy" areas.  Yeah, right.  The brat will still manage to drop the cup and the ill-fitting lid will pop off and then comes the mess.  All the grippy area is good for is to create little crevices inside that can in no way be cleaned.  Even with a bottle brush.  So I stick 'em in the dishwasher and set the machine to "hope this works!"  It makes me want to go to work and print a bumper sticker that reads "My grandkid has a more robust immune system than your honor student."

Barry sad inauguration

[Biden] "Boss, you look kinda bummed.  What's up?"

[Obama] "Well, Yo-Yo Ma played at the last inauguration.  But he said it was so cold last time that he'd never do it again.  Then I had Ravi Shankar lined up to play, but he up and died.  Now there's no musical act.  It's gonna suck."

[Biden] "Hang on there.  That's a bunch of malarkey.  Just gimme a sec, I'll come up with something."

[Obama, imploringly] "Really?  You have connections in the music biz?"

[Biden] "Nah.  But I'm pretty good at writing and playing music."

Biden fiddles around on his laptop for a few minutes.

[Biden] "OK, boss.  Give this a listen"

Alternate Link

The pResident smacks the Veep in the face with a 3-ring binder before he can get to the next verse.

[Obama] "I like it.  Except the dog part.  Reminds me of the time me 'n dad were at the food court in the mall.  I told him 'I want a hamburger, no I want a cheeseburger, no I want a corndog.' Then he backhanded me and said 'Shut up!  You'll get dog and like it!'.  The whole thing was rather traumatic."

[Biden] "Sorry.  Lemme try again."

Alternate Link

[Obama] "I like that one a lot better. But you don't sing worth a bleep.  Maybe I can get Lady Gaga to sing your song.  But you'll get the writing credits, of course."

{Biden] "Lady Gaga?  That junk-tuckin' freakazoid?"

[Obama] "Junk-tucker?"

[Biden] "Boss, Lady Gaga is a man!"

[Obama] "Joe, you're mistaken.  Again.  She's female.  Her real name is Stefani."

[Biden] "Look, one time outside a bar in Scranton, I got the crap kicked outta me by a transvestite named Stefani.  He/she even dotted the i in his/her name with a little heart and everything.  So I know what it is from whence I speak. For reals, Lady Gaga has more Y chromosomes than MichelleO herself.  And that's sayin' something!"

MichelleO storms in angrily and bodyslams Joe onto the Resolute Desk, breaking it to pieces.

[MichelleO] "If you ate a vegetable once in a while, Joe, maybe you'd be healthy enough to stop getting beat up by transvestites."

[Obama] "OK, Joe.  I'll let you sing it.  But you have to put more emotion into it.  Make sure it makes Boehner cry."

[Biden, getting back to his feet] "Sir, Yes Sir! No problem, Sir!"

Barry miraculous economic rebound!

Cabinet meeting.  The usual Cabinet heads, czars, thugs and miscreants in attendance.

[Sebelius] "Sure is boring around here since the election."

[Panetta] "Yup"

[Obama] "And the weather's so bad, I can't really go golfing.  I should issue an Executive Order commanding there to be built a full-size indoor golf course."

[Geithner] "But even that would take months, maybe years, to build."

[Obama] "I know.  But I can dream, right?"

[Napolitano, yawns]

[Obama] "This whole fiscal cliff thing is getting old, too.  Boehner doesn't even put up enough of a fight to make it interesting."

VP Biden barges in, looking disheveled and wearing an eyepatch.

[Biden] "Boss!  I had the greatest idea ever over the weekend!"

[Axelrod, under his breath, gritting teeth] "Must resist the stupid...must resist the stupid.  Dah! The stupid is overwhelming" [collapses under table]

[Obama] "Normally, Joe, I wouldn't have much interest in your great idea.  But it has been so boring around here, I'm willing to give it a listen.  But first, what's with the eyepatch?  'Talk Like a Pirate Day' was like, a month or more ago."

[Biden] "OK, I was on my way to work this morning.  I got off the train and stopped into the 7-11 for a donut and a coffee.  I asked the guy there whether he was a 'Gandhi' Indian or an 'Elizabeth Warren' Indian, but he just looked at me all cross-eyed like I was a Republican or something.  Next thing ya know, I gotta head to the head.  Apu tried to tell me that their restroom was only for employees only.  I told him that's a bunch of malarkey and strode through those swinging doors.  Next thing ya know, I'm in the walk-in freezer.  Realizing my error, I did an about-face and headed through the other swinging doors to the back room."

[Obama] "Does this saga have an ending?"

[Panetta] "Let him talk.  It's the closest thing we've had to entertainment since the election."

[Biden] "Thank you, Leon.  Anyway.  Have you ever seen a 7-11 restroom?  I think Geronimo's outhouse in Bangalore is prolly cleaner than this awful thing.  Anyway.  So I'm doing my thing, and I think to myself "Self, this would be a good time to play 'Race the Toilet'."

[Obama] "Whaaaat?"

[Biden] "C'mon, boss!  Don't you know about Race the Toilet?  It's where you guess how long a toilet takes to flush, and you hit the flush lever while you're still going, and try to see if you can finish whizzing before the toilet finishes flushing."

[Obama, indignantly] "I wouldn't know.  Probably because I usually whiz sitting down."

[Biden] "Anyway, I'm thinking it's about time to hit the flush lever, so I extend my hand.  Which, sadly, caused my necktie to come in front of, well...  Like they said in Ghostbusters: "Crossing the streams is really, really bad."  Then I saw how gross the flush lever was, so I tried to do it with my foot.  So, there I am, mid-whizz, standing on one foot trying to flush the toilet, looking like the Karate Kid trying his Crane Technique, when my other foot slipped out from under me.  I bonked my head on the sink and completely KO'd myself."

[Obama] "Where does the eyepatch come in?"

[Biden] "Nowhere, really.  I just think it's cool."

[Axelrod] "Is he gone yet?"

[Biden] "Nope!  Still here!"

[Obama] "I vaguely remember you mentioning that you had some marvelous idea."

[Biden] "Oh, yeah.  Yeah!  When I woke up from hitting my head, I had the idea...  Dunno if any of you are aware, but it is legal for the US to mint platinum coins.  In any denomination.  Except Southern Baptist.   My idea is that we get the Mint to make us a Quadrillion Dollar coin.  We deposit it in the bank, and whammo!  We're rich!  No more fiscal cliff, no more debt ceiling malarkey!  We can pay off ALL the debts and deficits and have trillions left over!  We could even bail out Greece and Argentina while we're at it, and even then have trillions left over!"

[Geithner] "We could even fund the government without having to collect a nickel of taxes!"

[Obama] "But I like taxes!"

[Geithner] "Taxes give me nothing but trouble.  I'd still be in favor of eliminating them.  Imagine the explosive economic growth that would happen if we reduced ALL taxes and fees to zero."

[Obama] "What about all those hard-working IRS agents who would then be unemployed?  That's not very fair."

[Panetta] "Why don't we just pay them to sit around doing Sudoku puzzles?  You know, pretty much like we're doing right now?"

[Sebelius] "And we could give every last American a million bucks, and still have barely put a dent in that quadrillion bucks!"

[Obama] "This is no, repeat, NO way I'm giving a million bucks to a Republican.  We'll only give the million to Democrats, Socialists, Commies and Green-o's."

[Biden] "But boss, doncha see?  How many Republicans do you think there'll still be after you start handing out this kind of dough?  Everybody will love you and register as a democrat."

[Obama] "I'm still not sold on this idea.  What about inflation?"

[Geithner] "If we pass some wage and price control laws, inflation won't matter.  We'll make it an imprisonable offense to change prices or wages."

[Patrick Donahoe, Postmaster General] "And if we mail out this money on pre-paid Visa cards, that would be enough mail volume to keep the USPS out of insolvency for at least another month."

[Obama] "So, the government can have all the money it wants, all the citizens will be millionaires, and economic growth will soar?"

[Biden] "Yep!  The people will love you so much, they'll want to make you king!"

[Obama] "It all seems too easy.  There has to be a catch.  But awww, what the heck.  Let's do it!"

Public Service Announcement for dog owners

Important but somewhat unpleasant info below...

Three days ago:  Sunshine's appetite drops off.  She only eats about 1/2 of her bowlful.  Seems otherwise normal.

Two days ago:  Zero appetite.  Lazier than normal but seems OK.  We figure it's just some kind of tummyache.

Yesterday:  Zero appetite.  Laziness has given way to lethargy.  When I got home from work in the afternoon we resolved to get her to the vet early the next day, and left for the evening church service.

Last night:  Got back from church and her hindparts were damp and bloody.  Diluted blood on floor and sofa cusions.  Very obvious discomfort/distress.  Very unhealthy smell.  Transported her to 24 hour emergency vet, where she was quickly diagnosed with Pyometra, which I had never heard of.  It is a NASTY infection of the uterus.  Untreated, the uterus can so fill up with pus that it can burst and cause very rapid death. Even without bursting, the infection can get bad enough to cause shock, kidney problems, or other systemic illness.  BAD STUFF!  Pretty much the only treatment is spaying right then and there.  But it becomes much more complicated than an ordinary spay due to the infection and the steps needed to keep it from spreading, as her uterus is now basically a delicate water balloon full of pus.  Like, umm, a $2200 surgery bill kind of "complicated."  Ugh.

As I'm writing this, my wife just called me to say that the vet left a message saying Sunshine came through surgery last night OK and is recovering normally.  I should be able to take her home tonight after work if things continue to go well.

If you have an un-spayed female, keep an eye on things.  This condition is caused by an incomplete expulsion of uterine material during her cycle.  It's likelihood increases with age (Sunshine is 6 1/2) and it typically starts a month or two after the end of her cycle.  Keep an eye on things for a couple months after her cycles, and get her checked ASAP if things look unusual, as it can go from no symptoms to death in less than 24 hours.

Or, just get her spayed!

Pressing question

I bored and cold and my brain can't seem to reach a definitive conclusion about a matter that is really gnawing at me:

Who would win in a Celebrity Deathmatch between Gandalf and Darth Vader?  Note: I'm thinking of latter-stages Gandalf the White, not the bumbling Grey guy in the Hobbit. 

If I crowdsource this question to my teeming horde dozen or so readers, we should be able to reach a valid answer.  I'll tally the results from the comments and we'll finally put the issue to rest.  Or, we'll end up with a muddled mess like the BCS standings.  Either way, it'll be more fun for me than just sitting here.

PS: Hey, Manhattan Infidel!  When I do a Google Image Search for Gandalf, your pic comes up in the #2 spot!  Congrats on your mastery of the internet!

Happy Redneck Thanksgiving!

First T-Day at the new county homestead, and it's feeling a lot "country-er".  We're not really on a view property, but there's enough downslope behind the backyard to see about a half-mile across the valley.  It is mostly pasture land.  Most of the time, that is.  We've had whoppin' rain the last few days, and it is now a GIANT FREEKIN' LAKE out back.  Well, a lake with a road running through the middle of it.  The water never got high enough to mess with traffic, but it's pretty weird to see cars seeming to walk on water. 

My next-door neighbors are out of town, and one of their chickens has repeatedly decided to make a break for it.  Because of the slope described above, looking out my kitchen window puts me about eye-level with the errant chicken roaming out front.  Twice so far this morning, I've done the Bird Round-Up and put her back in her enclosure.

If you're now expecting Rockyesque chicken-chasin' hilarity, you should brace for disappointment.  I'm not dumb enough to chase chickens through mud, wet grass and wet fir needles.  On a slope.  And if I were, I'd never admit it on these hallowed pages...

First off, I befriended her with a handful of cereal.  Kix, in this case.  Then while she's pecking away, I just grabbed her and dropped her back over the fence.  OK, the second time she got loose she did elude my first grab attempt, so I just slowly followed her until she got herself cornered between the fence and the barn.  The trick is to not move too fast.  (For an apt comparison, picture the knife-fights in Dune).  Easy-peasy, but I did suffer a very minor scratch on my hand from one of her vicious talons feet.  She appears to be learning, though, and I expect future confrontations to be much more interesting and/or painful.  Good thing I have a lot of Kix.

Parenthetic:  I just did a Google image search for "Warrior Chicken" but none of those pics quite captures the ferocity I've had to deal with.  As usual, use your imagination.  Maybe I need to remind her that our turkey this year isn't all that big and I might begin to hunger for more flightless fowl later tonight.

Suffice to say, I will not be punked by a chicken!

So what are y'all thankful for?  I have a lot, but here's an abbreviated list:

• The elder of the two grandkidlets is at the other grandparents' place for the holiday.  Half the noise/mess/chaos!
• Moody's has upgraded my financial prospects from "incredibly hopeless" to merely "uncomfortably tight"
• While the next-door neighbor has a six-pack of chickens, he only has one rooster and he does not "Barackadoodledoo!" at dawn.  In fact, he's basically silent.  I should dress him in a little mime costume.

And you?

Jihady Doody Time!

Seen's how that imnotananus guy don't hardly post nothing on his blarg no more, I'm think I may just take it over.  Aller willin', that is. 

Anyways, I sure am proud o' my kindred folk over in that Gazzer Strip.  Launchin' rockets at them joooos sounds like a lot of fun.  Y'all might recall how that worked out for me...  Sounds like they're havin' a better go of it than I did.  But geeze louise, they can't aim for ****.  (Sorry, Aller, didn't mean to cuss).  Them missiles o' theirs 'bout as acc'rate as a bottle rocket with a warped stick.  Hey, Jammal, shut up!  I said "stick" you twisted sun beach.  What I'm startin' to worry is that them yahoos are gonna blow up the wrong stuff.  When ya can't even hit a city, well, maybe it's time to clean the goat snot off'n yer scope optics or sumpthin.  They's gonna end up shooting that purty mosque right off the Temple Mount if they don't hurry up and figger out how to aim a little better.

Hey!  I just had an ideer!  Gaza Strip would be a good name fer one them clubs where the gents stick dollar bills in the ladies' burkas!  I'm gonna be rich!

Where wuz I?  Got a little distracted thar for a sec, what with all that mental imagery of hotties in burkas and stuff.  Oh yeah.  I was talkin' about that medical marwanna that all them hippies are smokin'.  Being both a jihadi and a redneck, lemme tell you how much I hate hippies.  Well, I ain't got a good word for it, but I hate 'em a lot.  Let's just leave it right there for now.  And don't none o' y'all steal my Gaza Strip ideer or I'll put a bomb in your beer fridge!  But with this barrycare law goin' inta effect, them hippies gonna be pissed.  'Cuz there's some claws in that law that imposes a tax on medical devices.  I can't wait for the IRS agents to come up on some lazy hippie.  The hippie gonna say "Dude, it's legal!  I got my medical marwanna card so leave me alone!"  Then the IRS agent gonna hit him with a truncheon and say "how much you pay for that fancy bong?"  The hippie, being naturally proud o' his bong'll say "It's made of imported quartz and lined with gemstones.  The bowl is 100% sterling silver.  I paid a thousand bucks."  So the IRS man'll hit him with a truncheon again and say "what you call 'bong' I call 'medical equipment' and you ain't paid yer tax on it so off to prison you stinky hippie!"  And I'm gonna laugh my ample fanny right off, hoo-wee!

Well, lunchbreak here at the Speedy Lube is just about over so I gotta wrap this up.  May your shootin' be straight and your vests not 'splode prematurely!

Stupid Shooter Stories (Prompted by Six)

OK, it isn't so much a Stupid Shooter story.  But I needed a catchy title.  So...  Six over at his blog The Warrior Class, has lately been talking about introducing noobs to shooting.  Since I'm all politicked out lately, I figured I'd add a tale to the topic.

Back in college I had a friend/roommate.  He was a good guy, but a bit of a clown.  Think: A Jim Carrey movie character.  His dad had died when he was quite young, and he grew up a bit of a momma's boy in a wealthy Seattle suburb.  He had never even *touched* a gun prior.

We drove up in the woods to a clearing outside an abandoned mine.  I brought my Ruger Mk I, a Browning BL-22 lever-action, a Ruger .44 Carbine (old model w/ tubular magazine) and the Super Blackhawk.  (Yeah, I like Rugers).  First off, the usual rules about safe gunhandling, etc.  He was actually serious and attentive for a change, which was good, since we were about 2 hours away from the nearest thing that would pass for "civilization."  Then I turned him loose with the BL-22.  Crack!  "Whoo!  Teehee!"  Crack!  "Dude!"  Pine cones and such began to be struck with regularity.

Then the Mk I.  Similar results.  Then the .44 Carbine.  I give him the obligatory "Keep in mind that a .44 is a LOT more than just twice a .22, OK?"  BOOM!  "Holy s**t! This is awesome!"  (I can't believe that Ruger keeps discontinuing their .44 Carbines.  They rule.)  He was having a ball, and turned a lot of my .44 Mag ammo into empty brass.  Had to slow him down before we ran out, because he hadn't shot the Super Blackhawk. Yet.

I shot a cylinder-full first so he could experience vicariously the noise and recoil.  These were pretty hot loads my dad had cooked up on his old Rockchucker and the effects were, umm, "noticeable."  Especially that stupid sharp thingy on the trigger guard that was already leaving a mark on my middle finger.  I showed my friend the old cowboy "load one, skip one, load the other 4" thing even though the Ruger didn't really need that precaution.  I just wanted to see what would happen when he clicked on an empty chamber.  He took aim at on old surveyor's stake that was just laying there.  BLAM!  Nothing.  The stake was untouched.  No flying dirt or anything.  Then - after a delay that seemed like forever - a distant tree limb creaked and groaned and fell to the ground.  "Maybe I aimed a little too high?"  "Yup."  The next several shots were much more on-target.  Then he clicked on the empty chamber and barely flinched.  I was like a proud papa!

We burned through a bunch more .22 and called it a day.  Over the next couple weeks, he went out and bought a Ruger Mk II (fancy-schmancy bull-barrel adjustable sight model that made my fixed sight, tapered-barrel Mk I look rather gimpy) a nine (don't remember for sure, I think a CZ-75 or similar) and used but still really high-end .22 rifle.  I think it was an Anschutz.  He even joined, and then became president, of the OSU Pistol Club.

The next time we went out, was to an abandoned rock quarry, and his girlfriend was with us.  We went through new shooter instructions with her and stepped her up again from .22s to larger stuff.  This time I had brought along the Winchester Model 54 in .30-30 (I know, weird caliber for a bolt gun, but it shot SUPER nice.  Wish I never sold it.)  She *loved* it.  Then my friend was ready to show off the .22 rifle he was so proud of.

He was calling his shots.  "See that pop can, next to the stump, about 40 yards away?"

Girlfriend quick-shouldered the Model 54 and blasted the can.  "That one?"

"Yeah.  Knock it off!"

"Hee hee"

"OK, that pine cone, about 30 yards, to the right of those weeds."

BLAM!  "That one?"

"I said knock. it. off!  Lemme get a shot!"

"Hee hee"

That went on for a while and everybody had a great time.  I don't know if it was the guns or just natural maturation, but my friend got a lot less clownish over the coming months.  I haven't heard from him in about 10 years, but last I heard he was a cop in the Seattle area and had a safe full o' guns.  Pretty cool, huh?

Sneaking up on normalcy

The hell of the last couple weeks is now in the rearview mirror (but the little writing on the mirror keeps reminding me that all that hassle is still Closer Than It Appears.)

What am I talking about?  Some of y'all have heard some of this, so I'll keep it fairly brief...

Had to pull up the tent pegs and make a fairly hasty move to a new casa.  I wasn't financially or mentally prepared, but it had to be done.  See, a few months ago, one of my pooches got out while I was at church.  The neighbor lady tried to be helpful and shepherd him back home.  Pooch didn't like the way the neighbor lady was approaching the front door so he gave her a little nip on the arm.

Neighbor lady is quite elderly.  I've been taught never to guess a lady's age or weight, but she lives with her retired daughter, so I gotta be thinking she's in her mid 80s.  That little nip would have done almost nothing to me, but her skin didn't cope with it as well and she had to get stitches.

Which makes my dog Potentially Dangerous.  Oooh, that sounds scary!  The City of Corvallis said I had to post a $100k bond to keep him in the city.  I couldn't find any insurance company who would write a policy for a dog that already has a bite history.  So it was either get rid of the dog or move.  We chose "move."

So the last few weeks have been a mad scramble of scraping up cash, finding a place, and moving into it.  The move-in is mostly done.  Still have some stuff at the old place and a TON of cleaning to do.  But things are starting to feel closer to normal.  Now we're a couple miles outside of Corvallis and the City statutes don't apply out there.  Ha.  My next-door neighbor has horses and chickens and is already pushing his yummy farm-fresh eggs on me.  We can hear the coyotes howl at night and the stars are a lot brighter.  The drive to work only takes 3 more minutes than it used to.  There are apple and plum trees in the backyard (which is VASTLY larger than what I had before) and also some grapes.  More like "jam" grapes than "eating" grapes, but they're still pretty good.  And, of course, an abundance of blackberries for those who can stand them. (I cannot).  There's even a swing hanging off a tree limb which the granddaughter thinks is the best thing ever. 

I gave up a few square feet of interior, and the well water tastes slightly sulfurous, but all-in-all it has been a worthy upgrade.  I feel like I can start thinking about blogging more frequently now. 

There are a few things that are bugging me, though.  For one, my Giants are on the verge of being eliminated from the playoffs by the freekin' Cincy Reds.  Ugh.  And the starting QB for my undefeated #10-ranked Beavs is hurt and out indefinitely.  Needs surgery on his knee.  Double-Ugh.  The backup competed for the starting spot back in fall camp, so hopefully there won't be too much drop-off at that position. 

Anyway...  That's the news!

In lieu of actual content...

... I present ya with this winner that aA put in my inbox.  Clicking will slightly biggify.

Yes, I play requests

Mere moments ago, Uncle Skip asked in the previous thread whether I had anything to say about the Beavers.  I haven't been real motivated to post any blogjunk lately, so I hadn't really planned on it.  But Skip asked nicely, so, here goes...

For those unfortunates who haven't been paying attention, we were supposed to play [cough] Nicholls State on opening day.  But Hurricane Isaac kept the [insert Nicholls State mascot here, as I have no idea who/what the Nicholls State people call themselves] plane on the ground.  Last I heard, the game was tentatively rescheduled for December.  The day before that game was supposed to be played, I was at Reser Stadium installing some last-minute signs and banners and I chanced upon some Nicholls State boosters wandering around the stadium.  They said they'd flown out a few days prior and now were kinda stuck out here until things dried out enough back home for them to fly back.  They seemed like pretty decent guys, even if I almost needed a translator to make the Southern Loozyanna--->English conversion for me.

Which brings us to Wisconsin.  Never been there, but I've developed a fondness for the place.  What with Paul Ryan and Scott Walker in and Kohl and Feingold out, that's a lot of Happy for me.  Except for football.  They whupped on us last year 35-0.  Zip, zero, nada, or even nil, if you prefer.

Payback time.

But, we didn't have that tune-up game against Nicholls State.  Would we be ready for a ranked team?  The answer to that was yes, yes and more yes.  Offensively we moved the ball quite well.  Our placekicker is OK.  Just OK.  So on at least 3 drives we got into 4th-and-3 kind of situations where the FG attempt would have been sketchy, and opted to go for it on 4th down.  Failed a couple times, which explains much of our low scoring output despite having a generally good day on offense.

Our D was the best I've seen it in about 3 years.  For a while our secondary has been kind of thin, but we're finally back to having top-tier talent there and can do more man-to-man.  In the previous couple years, the DBs were getting burned too often to do that regularly.  Now man defense isn't so risky, which allows more versatility in what the Large Men in the front 7 can do.

Well, what did they do?

They harassed the heck out of the Wisconsin QB, forcing a fumble and an INT.  They held Wisconsin to about 35 yards of rushing, which pretty much kicks Ball's Heisman hopes right in the Montee.  And their receiver Jared Abbrederis got hit so hard, it knocked his ribcage right out of his body.  Thankfully he's expected to make a full recovery.  Linebacker D.J. Welch was named Pac12 Player of the Week.

Like Coach Riley said late last season: "Go ahead and pick on us now, because next year's gonna be a different story."  So far, so good.  This week we have a regularly scheduled bye.  Which means that going into week 4, we'll have only played one game.  Weird.  That next one'll be against "now-u-c-l-a-now-you-don't" at the Rose Bowl.  UCLA just beat Nebraska, so it should be pretty interesting.

As for my other Orange-n-Black team, the Giants continue to lead the Detestable Dodgers, who, even with a decent guy like Don Mattingly at the helm, are still detestable.  I particularly enjoyed the Giants' recent victory over Josh "My Face Looks Like a Moon Pie, Only Rounder" Beckett.

Finis.

Stream of consciousness turbopost

Just when I think I've engraved it all, a customer brings in something new.  This time, it's the empty brass from a 105mm howitzer round from 1945.  Interesting, to me at least, is the size of the primer.  It isn't that much bigger than the primer in a rifle cartridge.  But this empty is roughly the size of my lower leg.

Reminds me of a couple years ago when commenter aA send me some .300 WSM rounds to be engraved on.  I think they'd make EXCELLENT Christmas tree ornaments!

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I have an idea for another "barry good" post (which would have been the 100th!) but the Line of Post Ideas never seems to intersect the Line of Free Time to Do Some Writing.  It's the back-to-school busy season so, maybe I'll just blast through the basics of it...

Biden is stupid so he gets barred from the campaign trail so he gets bored and goes exploring in the White House and gets lost in the attic where he finds an old Atari joystick then he eventually finds his way out and comes downstairs to see barry and crew discussing campaign topics but Joe is a distraction because he keeps pretending that he's playing Pac Man and making game noises and he says that of the 4 Pac man ghosts the red one is named Clyde and he's a redneck because he's red and named Clyde like that orangutan in that redneck Eastwood movie then he makes a "right turn, Clyde" move and accidentally punches Plouffe in the lip and barry says that Pac Man was prophetic because it predicted the ascension of MichelleO but Jarrett says "but profits are bad" and barry has to awkwardly explain the difference between "profits" and "prophets" and Joe gets confused and asks what's so profitic about the game and barry says that Pac Man is just like MichelleO in that she's always running around stuffing cookies in her fat mouth and complaining "barackabarackabaracka" while doing so but MichelleO overhears this and throws her ladies' size 17EEE silver lamé shoe just missing barry's head and MichelleO says "dang, I was aiming for his ears! how could I have missed?" and Axelrod says that after all those Jack Links commercials on TV that barry should know better and then Joe says "Mmmm, jerky" then barry realizes that it is the Special Joystick that Boooosh used to steer Katrina into the lower 9th in New Orleans and that he's now gonna use it to steer Hurricane Isaac onto Tampa and squash the nasty republicans but the cord is frayed and he loses control of the storm and then I start to run out of ideas so insert appropriate punctuation and filler content and maybe a couple bad puns and there ya go.

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The above reminds me of back at OSU when I was an engineering student.  There was this annoying international student who seemed to every one of my classes.  I think he was from Lebanon (or maybe Jordan) and he was ALWAYS asking the professor to repeat/explain things, no matter how simple they were.  Anyway, one day the prof was running late.  After a while, one of the other students said in frustration "Where the hell's the prof at?"

Annoying Arab Guy jumps up and yells "The Prophet?  Do you mean Mohammed?  YOU WILL NOT SPEAK OF HIM THIS WAY!!!!" complete with frantic gesturing and finger pointing.  That was one of the funniest things I've ever witnessed.  Especially when one factors in that nobody's vest exploded.

R R R R R R

Somewhere in Flyover Country, a campaign event is getting started...

Good afternoon, patriots of Topeka!

Or, as Sloe Joe Biden might say:

Ha! Nice impersonation Paul! Today we're unveiling our new campaign slogan: "R R R R R R"  It stands for Romney Ryan Republican Repeal Reform and...

Revenge! And when you say R R R R R R quickly, it kind of sounds like laughter.  Which is perfect, because stomping on democrats should provoke a good laugh, or at least a wry smile!

 Whoo!  Yay!  Alright! Reeevennnnggge!

But what about Todd Akin?  Are you rich 1% haters going to denounce him?

Let's look at what he said.  He, as a pro-lifer, was concerned that should abortion laws be changed, women who were ineligible for abortion would claim to have been raped, in order to make themselves eligible.

But what about the "legitimate rape" thing he said?

Looks to me like your face has been legitimately raped by a box of Crayolas!

Ha!  Burn!  Ryan 1, loser occutard 0!

Akin went on to say that women have some kind of Jedi Ninja powers to self-abort pregnancies due to rape.  That is almost as stupid as that Johnson guy thinking Guam might flip over.  So yes, I guess I do denounce him.

I prefaced my question with "rich 1% haters" and you seem to have stipulated that point when you answered in the affirmative.

Better watch it there, Mr. Gay Fawkes, you're gonna make him angry!

Try this on for size!

Oww!  I'm getting a headache!

[tears off shirt, revealing ripped 6-pack and big biceps]

 Yet.  But it will be.  It takes about 22 days to gestate.

Ha ha!  Stupid occutard can't fight the Cancer Ray!

That Akin is an ache in my wastegate.  He's gotta go.  As for rapists, I think they should be turned loose in the Wisconsin woods so my bowhunting buddies and I can inflict some 100gr broadhead revenge!

Revenge! Romney! Ryan! Republican! Reform! Repeal! REVENGE! Bwahahahaaa!

Behold the Power of Harvey!

What happens when Harvey links to ya

With one wave of his magic mouse, traffic on my humble site soars!  I knew, just knew, that someday this award I gave IMAO would pay off!

Hey inno, where ya been?

Where've I been?  Mostly in the car.  The AC in the car works way better than the AC in the house.  So I've mostly been in the car.  It's been 100-ish for several days now.  AccuWeather says the "Real Feel" has been around 106 and even up to 114 once.  Nasty.  So I've mostly been in the car.  And the poking-through-the-window AC unit at home is acting up.  It isn't draining properly.  After about 48 hours of use, there's enough condensation inside to hit the fan.  Yes, the ________ is hitting the fan and spraying around the room.  So I've mostly been in the car.  All I can do is yank the AC, take out the filter, hold the whole thing upside down and shake the water out - like a baby that won't be quiet.  (Kidding!  Sheesh!  You people are so sensitive!)  Repeat as necessary, most likely in a day or two.

So I've mostly been in the car.

I don't have internet access in the car.  Mostly because I don't have WiFi.  I like cables.  I like wires.  When ya encounter a total flaming moron who desperately needs to be strangled, CAT-5e cable works a lot better than, um, air.   So wired internet only for this guy. Also, I don't have a laptop.  I suppose I could, you know, take my desktop PC out to the car and run some of that yummy CAT-5e cable out to it, but it is a HUNDRED FREAKIN' DEGREES outside!  Like I'm gonna go through all that exertion just to satisfy you people!  Yoish, y'all can be soooo demanding!

Tomorrow is supposed to drop back down into the 80s.  Maybe I'll be in a better mood then.

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Just thinking about current events puts me in a better mood, actually.  The way the campaign has turned is awesome.  It is even more awesome than a red-white-n-blue blown '41 Willys sideways on fire driven by a hot chick in a bikini running over zombie Mao and zombie Stalin kissing at a kiss-in in front of a Dik-fil-A while Hendrix plays the National Anthem and the rhythm section is the 30mm cannon on an A-10.

OK, maybe not that awesome.  But at least this awesome:


Sorry, Buck. Couldn't find any clips of the Thunderbirds doing similar.

Let's face it:  Paul Ryan is basically Ted Nugent minus the pottymouth and a couple pounds of hair.   The libs don't know what to do about him.  Nancy Pelosi is getting visits from the Ghosts of Feminists Past.  Biden makes this chick look like the valedictorian of Smartville High, and Palin basically dares barry to give Joey the boot.  O'Bumble's campaign co-chair from '08 is now working for Romney.  Romney has TONS of general-election campaign cash he can't spend until he's officially nominated at the Convention.  At which time the BARRAGE of ads will hit, and the get-out-the-vote efforts will take off.  The slaughter will be... wait.  "Epic" is so painfully overused these days.  The slaughter will be "whatever word arises to take the place of the overused 'epic'."  To paraphrase Bull Halsey: "The Democrat language will only be spoken in the narrow confines of a university or two."

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The Cold Stone Creamery "Store of the Quarter" for the Mountain West Region is store #20145 in American Fork, Utah.  I would know, because I just made the award.  In my line of work, I get all the big news scoops.  Notice, that it wasn't store #666 in Commie Flats, Connecticut.  See?  The tide is indeed turning our way!!1!

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Snooping the online ed of the local paper, and I get a pop-up "You have viewed 15 articles of premium content in the last 15 days.  To continue reading, you'll need to subscribe" yadda yadda.  Premium content?  AP wire stories printed word-for-word, plus an occasional local-interest blurb about "Bertha's begonia garden" or somesuch?  That counts as premium content?  Subscribe to that?  No.  But I will go delete your stupid cookie, which resets me back to zero "premium" views.   And to think I've actually linked to these losers...

The Five Lessons

By way of my inbox via good blogbuddy aA:

THE FIVE LESSONS 

- First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady. During my second month of college, our professor Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student   And had breezed through the questions until I read The last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the Cleaning woman several times. She was tall, Dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if The last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your careers, You will meet many people.  All are significant.. They Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do Is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that lesson.. I also learned her Name was Dorothy.  2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain  One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American Woman was standing on the side of an  Alabama  highway Trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had Broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man Took her to safety, helped her get assistance and Put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a Knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a Giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A Special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway The other night. The rain drenched not only my Clothes, but also my spirits.  Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying Husband's' bedside just before he passed away... God Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving Others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.  3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those Who serve.  In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in Front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and Studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the Waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put t he bill on The table and walked away The boy finished the ice Cream, paid the cashier and left..  When the waitress Came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the Table.  There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, Were two nickels and five pennies.. You see,  he couldn't  have the sundae, because he had To have enough left to leave her a tip.  4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.  In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a Roadway.  Then he hid himself and watched to see if Anyone would remove the huge rock.  Some of the King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by And simply walked around it.  Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did Anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of Vegetables.  Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road.  After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.  The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.  5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...  Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease.  Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.  The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save  her."  As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed  next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing  the color returning to her cheek. Then his face  grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.  Now you have  choices.  1 Delete this email, or  2. Forward it other people.  I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember.  Most importantly.... "Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."  NOW more than ever - Please...     Pass It On... You never know how or when you'll be paid!

In God We Trust

barry debatable

A televised debate.  Wolf Blitzer "moderating"

[Blitzer] "Let's start with a foreign policy question.  Mr. President, what is the capital of Israel?"

[Obama] "Umm, well.  Our embassy is in Tel Aviv.  The Knesset is in Jerusalem.  But our friends call Jerusalem 'Al Quds'.  Umm.  On Facebook, to describe our relationship with Israel, I'd click on 'It's Complicated'."

[Blitzer] "Governor?"

[Romney] "It isn't complicated.  The capital is Jerusalem.  While Jerusalem has been occupied by others for much of its history, it has been the capital ever since King David set up shop there.  Even Abraham, the Father of the Faith, was willing to sacrifice Isaac on Mt. Moriah, which is where Jerusalem now is, so Israeli influence there even predates King David.  The pResident confuses a very simple thing, and even this basic question leaves him with a puzzled, like a monkey humping a stump."

[Blitzer] "Monkey?  Isn't that racist?"

[Romney] "No.  It just rolls off the tongue more smoothly than 'giraffe humping a carafe'."

[Obama] "Governor, your answer is wimpy.  Because you are a wimp.  You are too much of a wimp to stand up to the far-right base of your hawkish, anti-muslim party."

[Romney] "Me?  The wimp?  At least I can throw a baseball without looking like a palsy victim."

[Obama] "Yeah.  Wimp.  Let me ask you: do you have one of those poofy scrubby things hanging in your shower?"

[Romney] "I have no idea what relevance this has, but, yes.  My wife uses one of those."

[Obama] "Just as I thought.  I don't have one of those.  Because Michelle uses single-aught steel wool with gravel embedded in it when she showers.  Who's the wimp now?"

[Romney] "If my wife were running against your wife, that might have some minute bit of importance.  But she's not, so it doesn't."

[Obama] "Good thing, because, umm, Michelle would tear your wife to pieces and use her bones as toothpicks."

[Blitzer] "Gentlemen, we're getting sidetracked.  Mr. President, can you describe your energy policy?"

[Obama] "All of the solar, all of the wind, and all of algae.  In other words, 'All of the Above'."

[Blitzer] "Governor?"

[Romney] "you didn't build that Witness the renaissance in North Dakota.  Our nation is blessed with an abundance of natural resources.  you didn't build that What I envision is North Dakota happening everywhere:  American people making you didn't build that good American wages pulling American resources out of American dirt."

[Obama] "What's with all the under-your-breath comments?  Are you mocking me?"

[Romney] "you didn't built that"

[Obama] "Now you're being a bully.  You haven't changed a bit since your preppie prep-school days, when you cut the hair of that poor gay kid."

[Romney] "you didn't build that"

[Obama] "Stop it!  Stop it right now!"

[Romney] "you didn't build that"

[Obama, tearful] "Stop it!!!"

[Romney] "I'm either a bully or a wimp.  It is not possible to be both.  So, which is it?"

[Obama, straight-of-back, chin jutting proudly] "Maybe youuuu can't be both, but I can!! Neener-neener."

[Blitzer] "Mr. President, what would you do to get the economy back on the right track?"

[Obama] "The economy is on the right track already.  All it needs is a few more roads and bridges."

[Romney] "you didn't build that Are you serious?  The economy is on the right track you didn't build that in the same way that that girl that Snidely Whiplash tied to the train tracks is on the right track.  Here's the reality: the American economy is like a racehorse, ready to dash.  But the pResident's policies are keeping the gate from opening, so the horse is just stuck there.  I would open the gate by rolling back regulations, repealing barrycare, you didn't built that and opening up more land for resource development."

[Romney] "you didn't built that"

[Obama, pleading] "Stop it!  I'm serious!"

[Romney] "Sounds like baby needs a bottle.  Can me!" [climbs up on podium]

A well-groomed young man wearing black slacks, white shirt, and an 'elder' badge tosses two cans of caffeine-free diet Coke to Romney, who, after catching them, slams them together.  They erupt in foam and release dreaded CO₂ into the atmosphere.  The Governor takes a swig from one, then leaps from the podium and pours the remainder over his sniveling opponent.

[Romney] "you didn't build that  I built that."

Difference between a mélange and an assorted mess

When I post an assorted mess, it becomes a mélange.  Other than that, they're about the same.

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Really wish there was a Chick-Fil-A 'round these parts.  Not that I'd actually eat there today.  Nope.  Because the lines are too long.  gayfail.

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Bo the Dog wishes there was a Chick-Fil-A in the White House.  Eat mor chiken!

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So some badminton players been acting badly.  I could point out that they're all Asian, but that would be racist so I won't.  I could also point out that they're good at badminton 'cuz that's how they shoo the flies off their dog filets, but that would be doubly racist, so I really won't.

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I was the student badminton champion of my middle school back in 8th grade.  No foolin'.  I'm pretty good at "twitch" sports.  And I didn't have to throw any matches to get a better seeding, either.  I do admit to sucking at endurance sports, however.

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At my age and conditioning level, all sports are now endurance sports.

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After I beat all comers in that badminton tournament, I played the staff champion, who happened to be the girls' PE coach.  She whooped my behind.  I also think she likes to work on old diesel tractors, if you know what I mean.  So it's not like I lost to a *real* girl.

The reporters acted stupidly

Pic from wikipedia

While visiting eastern Europe, Mitt Romney stopped to visit the Polish Tomb of the Unknowns.  I've never been there.  I've never even been to Europe.  I have been to Arlington, though...

Go there someday.  Take your time walking up the hill.  Visit General Lee's house.  Watch a Changing of the Guard.  For me, the whole experience was very moving - prompting feelings of sadness and loss but also surges of pride and reverence.

No doubt the Poles feel similarly about their Tomb.

There are places where, for lack of a better phrase, you just don't be an a**hole.  You just don't.  Ever.  This is one of those places.  There is absolutely no room for partisan dickswinging at such a solemn place. 

Which is why I'm so PO'd at the reporters following Romney around.  Screaming questions about Palestinians?  While in Poland?  At their Tomb of the Unknown?  That is a hundred kinds of wrong.  Every once in a while, a person/topic/event comes along and really riles me.  I can't mentally afford to get ticked at everything that merits being ticked off about.  I try to let most of it roll off my back, but this is one of the exceptions where I just can't shake it off.  I'm sick of sacrifice being disrespected and I'm sick of eastern Europe being treated like garbage.  We don't need to put these people on a pedestal; we don't need to go Nation Building along the Danube.  But can't we at least treat these people with some decency and respect?

I hope to visit Arlington again.  I'd love also to visit similar sites in Europe someday.  Though I haven't been in a fistfight since elementary school, had I been in Poland yesterday, there would be a reporter in a dental chair today getting his front teeth surgically repaired.

Slacker, no slacking!

Hey, slacker!  What's your deal?  Moogie has already dropped SIX (6) comments, just today.  The rest of ya?  Zip, zero, nada.  Moogie is young and fit and well-armed.  She's probably able to pull all your dead weight for a while.  But it isn't very gentlemanly or chivalrous.  So.  You know what to do.  :)

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I finally did it...  Ever since it came out, I've been saying that twitter was whey to ghey for this guy...  But a lot of the blogs I like have gone dormant.  Sure, I've found a few new ones.  But sometimes ya just gotta have a little more.  So I signed up for twitter.  I've had Facebook for a couple years, and I've *never* posted a single thing there.  Twitter will likely be the same way for me, so don't try to follow me.  Just don't.  So far I'm only following a few funny people like iowahawk, Frank from IMAO, Jim Treacher, and such.  If you know of anybody funny and/or insightful, lemme know, K?

So far, today's winner is Frank:

1.5% GDP growth means we haven't been building that. 

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Found my glasses!  They went AWOL Wednesday night.  I'm nearsighted.  Up to about arm's length away, I see better without them.  (Which is just fine for an engraver).  I mostly only wear them for driving and at church.  I can squint things into focus but it leads to eyestrain and headaches.  Where did I find them?  In the bottom dresser drawer.  The drawer that only has swim trunks and sweats and stuff, that I almost never get into.

FOR SALE (CHEAP!): One thieving granddaughter who likes to hide things.  Prefer to sell to circus or clan of gypsies but willing to negotiate.

Have another question

The other day, I asked about flag handling and got good info from y'all.  So I'm going to that well again to draw up another bucket of your wisdom...

A funeral home brought in a bronze urn to be engraved.  Not that unusual.  It had bronze legs on it.  Still not that unusual.  But the bronze legs are arranged such that I can't hold the thing still with the legs attached.  So the legs gotta come off.  Of course the screws are on the inside...

(Breaker-breaker.  Scooney, ya got yer ears on?)

The urn already had cremains in it, from the spouse of the person who just passed.  The funeral home removed and stored those remains, to go back in after the engraving is done.  If you've ever messed with cast bronze, you might know that the inside (where nobody ever sees) is rough and nasty.  Lots of little nooks and crevices that can hold cremains.

So all of a sudden, I have a little pile of stuff on the engraving table.  Coarser than sand but finer than cornmeal.  So that's what cremains look like...

Brushing them into the trash seemed uncool.  So I took a can of "Blow Off" canned air and scattered them to the four winds.  Is this sacrilege?  Have I just opened the Ninth Portal of Hades?  Are cats and dogs gonna start living together?  Are Captain and Tennille going on a Worldwide Reunion Tour?

Please, tell me everything is going to be alright!

Ranting is theraputic

The other day, I'm standing there doing the dishes (in a most manly way, of course) when I note that the floor is getting REALLY wet under my feet.  Thought to myself no big deal, the granddaughter spilled something.  Again.  Then, during a break in the action, I could hear the tinkle of running water.  No big deal, these grandkids tinkle anywhere any time.  Finally I had to stop and investigate.  Turns out the metal housing of the garbage disposal was broken, and yucky funkwater was streaming out of it - looking very much like some kind of swamp robot pissing on my floor.

Landlord brought over a new unit and I handled the install.  Old one out and new one in - took only a few minutes.  "You're pretty handy" says the landlord.  "Drove finicky old cars as a teenager" I explained.  "A lot of the time it was either 'be handy' or 'walk home' so I got pretty good at fixing things."  Landlord went on to tell me about a fixer-upper house they'd bought years ago, and they made it a family project for one summer to get it into shape.  He said that he had a son-in-law who was in his 20s at the time, who had NEVER USED A HAMMER.  (I was bending nails in my dad's new deck when I was 3).  OK...  Here's the deal:  if you're 20-something years old and can't use a hammer, you simply aren't worthy of being numbered among my countrymen.  Please, just, just... move far the heck away.  Maybe a country that is tolerant of those who have, um, "expressive wrists" should be at the top of your list.

Anyway.

New disposal unit has half again as much power and is much quieter.  It sounds like one chainsaw instead of a chorus of chainsaws. All is well, right?  The next day I note that the dishwasher has barfed all over the floor.  Upon opening it, I find that is hasn't drained out any if its wastewater.  Chalking it up to a fluke, I ran the cycle again.  More barfage.  Tore into the dishwasher (there I go being 'handy' again) but couldn't find and clogs or mechanical problems.

"Hmmmm..." Thinks I...  "This problem must somehow be related to the new disposal, 'cuz having two appliances crap out on consecutive days is just too weird..."

Both sides of the sink were draining fine, so I couldn't blame it on a downstream clog...  Disconnect the dishwasher drain hose and turn it on for a split second... Funkwater streams out the drain hose normally.  Wow, this is getting strange...  Reconnect the drain hose.  No flow.  Inspect fitting. It is blocked by a knock-out.

"Are you even freaking serious??!?" yells my brain, inwardly.  "Why the bloody hell should that fitting be blocked off?!"  Thought about it briefly, and concluded that the fitting comes blocked for people that don't have dishwashers.  For Reals?  Is there really a caveman out there somewhere who has a disposal but no dishwasher?  He rinses his gristle down the drain and then, what, lugs his dishes down to the river?  Scratches the dried lasagna off with a stick and rinses them in the stream?  WTH??

Alright, whatever.  Now everything works.  OK, not everything.  The bottom shelf in my fridge broke.  Yeah, the one that supports the crisper drawer.  No biggie.  The crisper now just hangs a little lower and interferes with the door closing.  Just close it FIRMLY and all is cool.  Except toddler granddaughter doesn't close it firmly enough.  So the contents of the fridge get warm.  And the fridge tries to keep things cool by running and running and running until an adult eventually notices that things are awry.  So my milk and my coke and my gatorade are warm now, and the ice cream up in the freezer is frozen SO @#(*&^%ing SOLID that I could use it to cut glass and/or chip my teeth.

Hey, inno, are you done yet?  HELZ NO!

The light switch in the hallway bathroom is acting up.  It won't stay off.  Seriously.  As soon as you let it go, it springs back into the 'on' position.  Unless you point it down in the off position and jiggle it just right.  Thankfully, I have many years of experience with the "point it down and jiggle it just right" process.  So I can turn it off.  Seems I'm the only one capable in my household.  Which means most of my free time is spent getting up and turning the light switch off.  I know I can get a new switch for about a buck and a half.  But then I gotta install it, and the wiring in my house is STUPID.  None of the single-pole breakers turn off what they say they do no their labels.  So I gotta systematically flip breakers until I happen upon the right one.  In the meantime, everything else in the house has its power interrupted.  So it's a blinking 12:00 everywhere I look.  Grrrah!  Either that or work on the switch hot.  120V doesn't hurt that bad.  More startling than painful.  But still.

But wait, there's more!  Now that it's finally warming up around here, the ceiling fans are seeing some use.  Two of them work like champs.  Two of them are more wobbly than a drunken Michael "Our Lady of Guacamole" Moore in-line skating down a tin roof.  On one of 'em, I tried to tape a quarter to the fan blade to help the balance.  No go.  No matter which blade, still wobbles.  And launches quarters when the tape fails.  And now it clicks like a metronome from time to time.  Yay.

By now, I bet you're thinking "Wow, inno, your house sounds like a real dive.  Maybe it should be condemned" and you'd be right.  But I LIKE it that way.  A run-down foreboding house in a state of ill-repute-repair discourages visitors.  I don't like visitors.  I don't like people.  I don't like YOU!  If you drop by, I'll punch you in the gut with an old disposal wrapped in barbed wire!  Bwaaahaahaahaa!