Monday, August 6, 2012

barry debatable

A televised debate.  Wolf Blitzer "moderating"

[Blitzer] "Let's start with a foreign policy question.  Mr. President, what is the capital of Israel?"

[Obama] "Umm, well.  Our embassy is in Tel Aviv.  The Knesset is in Jerusalem.  But our friends call Jerusalem 'Al Quds'.  Umm.  On Facebook, to describe our relationship with Israel, I'd click on 'It's Complicated'."

[Blitzer] "Governor?"

[Romney] "It isn't complicated.  The capital is Jerusalem.  While Jerusalem has been occupied by others for much of its history, it has been the capital ever since King David set up shop there.  Even Abraham, the Father of the Faith, was willing to sacrifice Isaac on Mt. Moriah, which is where Jerusalem now is, so Israeli influence there even predates King David.  The pResident confuses a very simple thing, and even this basic question leaves him with a puzzled, like a monkey humping a stump."

[Blitzer] "Monkey?  Isn't that racist?"

[Romney] "No.  It just rolls off the tongue more smoothly than 'giraffe humping a carafe'."

[Obama] "Governor, your answer is wimpy.  Because you are a wimp.  You are too much of a wimp to stand up to the far-right base of your hawkish, anti-muslim party."

[Romney] "Me?  The wimp?  At least I can throw a baseball without looking like a palsy victim."

[Obama] "Yeah.  Wimp.  Let me ask you: do you have one of those poofy scrubby things hanging in your shower?"

[Romney] "I have no idea what relevance this has, but, yes.  My wife uses one of those."

[Obama] "Just as I thought.  I don't have one of those.  Because Michelle uses single-aught steel wool with gravel embedded in it when she showers.  Who's the wimp now?"

[Romney] "If my wife were running against your wife, that might have some minute bit of importance.  But she's not, so it doesn't."

[Obama] "Good thing, because, umm, Michelle would tear your wife to pieces and use her bones as toothpicks."

[Blitzer] "Gentlemen, we're getting sidetracked.  Mr. President, can you describe your energy policy?"

[Obama] "All of the solar, all of the wind, and all of algae.  In other words, 'All of the Above'."

[Blitzer] "Governor?"

[Romney] "you didn't build that Witness the renaissance in North Dakota.  Our nation is blessed with an abundance of natural resources.  you didn't build that What I envision is North Dakota happening everywhere:  American people making you didn't build that good American wages pulling American resources out of American dirt."

[Obama] "What's with all the under-your-breath comments?  Are you mocking me?"

[Romney] "you didn't built that"

[Obama] "Now you're being a bully.  You haven't changed a bit since your preppie prep-school days, when you cut the hair of that poor gay kid."

[Romney] "you didn't build that"

[Obama] "Stop it!  Stop it right now!"

[Romney] "you didn't build that"

[Obama, tearful] "Stop it!!!"

[Romney] "I'm either a bully or a wimp.  It is not possible to be both.  So, which is it?"

[Obama, straight-of-back, chin jutting proudly] "Maybe youuuu can't be both, but I can!! Neener-neener."

[Blitzer] "Mr. President, what would you do to get the economy back on the right track?"

[Obama] "The economy is on the right track already.  All it needs is a few more roads and bridges."

[Romney] "you didn't build that Are you serious?  The economy is on the right track you didn't build that in the same way that that girl that Snidely Whiplash tied to the train tracks is on the right track.  Here's the reality: the American economy is like a racehorse, ready to dash.  But the pResident's policies are keeping the gate from opening, so the horse is just stuck there.  I would open the gate by rolling back regulations, repealing barrycare, you didn't built that and opening up more land for resource development."

[Romney] "you didn't built that"

[Obama, pleading] "Stop it!  I'm serious!"

[Romney] "Sounds like baby needs a bottle.  Can me!" [climbs up on podium]

A well-groomed young man wearing black slacks, white shirt, and an 'elder' badge tosses two cans of caffeine-free diet Coke to Romney, who, after catching them, slams them together.  They erupt in foam and release dreaded CO2 into the atmosphere.  The Governor takes a swig from one, then leaps from the podium and pours the remainder over his sniveling opponent.

[Romney] "you didn't build that  I built that."


  1. We can only HOPE the debates unfold exactly like this. And I mean EXACTLY.

  2. DuhWon sounds more like Barney Frank every day.

  3. leaves him with a puzzled, like a monkey humping a stump."

    With a puzzled what? Expression? Look? A puzzled Asian carp, perhaps (hey, he's from there, too, isn't he)?

  4. Are you telling me you've never had a puzzled?

  5. God Romney is such a wimp.

    And this "debate", sadly, was pretty fairly monitored for one run by the MSM.

    1. P.S. Damn you! I have already written a Romney wimp/bully post all set to be published this week. Now I have to postpone it.

    2. Eh, it's not like I get enough traffic for anybody to notice.

    3. People want naked Ferengis. Oblige them and watch your traffic spike.

  6. Palsy victim - that's hilarious!

  7. The 'giraffe humping a carafe' line is genius, sir.

    Nice stuff, Inn.

  8. Here's another (more boring) televised debate: Charlie Rose "moderating"

    [Rose] "Let's start with a question concerning a topic that was raised during an interview/discussion I had on my popular tv show before you got elected in 2008, or was it after you got elected and before you took the oath?, don't answer that Mr President - I'm talking to myself here. Now, back to my pointed question, which is this, ahh, me, or rather I, was discussing with my colleague Bob Costas, ahh scratch that, it was someone else.......ahhhhhh, Dan Rather? - no, no don't tell me - dammit all it was Tom Brokaw! Anyway, we were discussing that at that time we didn't really know what you, or rather who, you really were. So my question is this Mr. President - now that we do know who you are, are you going to keep being who you are?"

    [Obama] "Charlie, I've always been who I am and I refuse to be someone I'm not in the future."

    [Rose] "So you are you and no one else? Let's just bore right down to the core of this burning issue."

    [Obama] "Absolutely."

    [Rose] "Thank-you for being so clear Mr. President and I apologize that sometimes we journalists, and myself in particular, must resort to such tough questions - but we needed to know who you are and what you're vision for the future is."

    [Obama] "Thanks for letting me clarify that Charlie."

    [Rose] Governor Romney, what if anything, have you learned from your failed and futile attempt to gain the Republican nomination in 2008?"

    [Romney] That I've got to put up with idiots like you.

  9. I linked to this brilliant post here: and also passed on the five lessons.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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