Monday, December 10, 2012
Barry miraculous economic rebound!
Cabinet meeting. The usual Cabinet heads, czars, thugs and miscreants in attendance.
[Sebelius] "Sure is boring around here since the election."
[Obama] "And the weather's so bad, I can't really go golfing. I should issue an Executive Order commanding there to be built a full-size indoor golf course."
[Geithner] "But even that would take months, maybe years, to build."
[Obama] "I know. But I can dream, right?"
[Obama] "This whole fiscal cliff thing is getting old, too. Boehner doesn't even put up enough of a fight to make it interesting."
VP Biden barges in, looking disheveled and wearing an eyepatch.
[Biden] "Boss! I had the greatest idea ever over the weekend!"
[Axelrod, under his breath, gritting teeth] "Must resist the stupid...must resist the stupid. Dah! The stupid is overwhelming" [collapses under table]
[Obama] "Normally, Joe, I wouldn't have much interest in your great idea. But it has been so boring around here, I'm willing to give it a listen. But first, what's with the eyepatch? 'Talk Like a Pirate Day' was like, a month or more ago."
[Biden] "OK, I was on my way to work this morning. I got off the train and stopped into the 7-11 for a donut and a coffee. I asked the guy there whether he was a 'Gandhi' Indian or an 'Elizabeth Warren' Indian, but he just looked at me all cross-eyed like I was a Republican or something. Next thing ya know, I gotta head to the head. Apu tried to tell me that their restroom was only for employees only. I told him that's a bunch of malarkey and strode through those swinging doors. Next thing ya know, I'm in the walk-in freezer. Realizing my error, I did an about-face and headed through the other swinging doors to the back room."
[Obama] "Does this saga have an ending?"
[Panetta] "Let him talk. It's the closest thing we've had to entertainment since the election."
[Biden] "Thank you, Leon. Anyway. Have you ever seen a 7-11 restroom? I think Geronimo's outhouse in Bangalore is prolly cleaner than this awful thing. Anyway. So I'm doing my thing, and I think to myself "Self, this would be a good time to play 'Race the Toilet'."
[Biden] "C'mon, boss! Don't you know about Race the Toilet? It's where you guess how long a toilet takes to flush, and you hit the flush lever while you're still going, and try to see if you can finish whizzing before the toilet finishes flushing."
[Obama, indignantly] "I wouldn't know. Probably because I usually whiz sitting down."
[Biden] "Anyway, I'm thinking it's about time to hit the flush lever, so I extend my hand. Which, sadly, caused my necktie to come in front of, well... Like they said in Ghostbusters: "Crossing the streams is really, really bad." Then I saw how gross the flush lever was, so I tried to do it with my foot. So, there I am, mid-whizz, standing on one foot trying to flush the toilet, looking like the Karate Kid trying his Crane Technique, when my other foot slipped out from under me. I bonked my head on the sink and completely KO'd myself."
[Obama] "Where does the eyepatch come in?"
[Biden] "Nowhere, really. I just think it's cool."
[Axelrod] "Is he gone yet?"
[Biden] "Nope! Still here!"
[Obama] "I vaguely remember you mentioning that you had some marvelous idea."
[Biden] "Oh, yeah. Yeah! When I woke up from hitting my head, I had the idea... Dunno if any of you are aware, but it is legal for the US to mint platinum coins. In any denomination. Except Southern Baptist. My idea is that we get the Mint to make us a Quadrillion Dollar coin. We deposit it in the bank, and whammo! We're rich! No more fiscal cliff, no more debt ceiling malarkey! We can pay off ALL the debts and deficits and have trillions left over! We could even bail out Greece and Argentina while we're at it, and even then have trillions left over!"
[Geithner] "We could even fund the government without having to collect a nickel of taxes!"
[Obama] "But I like taxes!"
[Geithner] "Taxes give me nothing but trouble. I'd still be in favor of eliminating them. Imagine the explosive economic growth that would happen if we reduced ALL taxes and fees to zero."
[Obama] "What about all those hard-working IRS agents who would then be unemployed? That's not very fair."
[Panetta] "Why don't we just pay them to sit around doing Sudoku puzzles? You know, pretty much like we're doing right now?"
[Sebelius] "And we could give every last American a million bucks, and still have barely put a dent in that quadrillion bucks!"
[Obama] "This is no, repeat, NO way I'm giving a million bucks to a Republican. We'll only give the million to Democrats, Socialists, Commies and Green-o's."
[Biden] "But boss, doncha see? How many Republicans do you think there'll still be after you start handing out this kind of dough? Everybody will love you and register as a democrat."
[Obama] "I'm still not sold on this idea. What about inflation?"
[Geithner] "If we pass some wage and price control laws, inflation won't matter. We'll make it an imprisonable offense to change prices or wages."
[Patrick Donahoe, Postmaster General] "And if we mail out this money on pre-paid Visa cards, that would be enough mail volume to keep the USPS out of insolvency for at least another month."
[Obama] "So, the government can have all the money it wants, all the citizens will be millionaires, and economic growth will soar?"
[Biden] "Yep! The people will love you so much, they'll want to make you king!"
[Obama] "It all seems too easy. There has to be a catch. But awww, what the heck. Let's do it!"