Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Airing of Grievances

Can't wait for this rotten year to be over.  Dunno what it is about even-numbered years, but they SUCK.  If there's gonna be a death in the family, a major financial reversal, relationship problems, etc... it'll happen in an even-numbered year.  Clockwork.  Automatic.  Every time.

In less than a week, though, everything will be awesome and I'll have nothing to complain about.  The Sands of Time for me are running low, so I better hurry up and get on with the complaining!

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Pictured:  Stealth Gun Control

I don't think we even own this one. (Yet).  I just glommed the pic from google image search.  But we have every one of its diabolical cousins.  "What did Santa bring you?" "Another @#$%^& noisy toy that devours batteries and I never play with except when you're tired and/or have a headache! Thanks, Santa!"  Holy crap, whatever happened to toys that weren't so "interactive"?  Is it such a crime to give a little kid a toy truck?  That doesn't have a functional horn?  One of these @#$%^&* things even talks when it isn't being used.  After it sits idle for about 10 minutes, it says "Bye, bye! Let's play again soon!" and powers itself down.  Startles the crap out of me every time.  Even the !@#$%^&* stuffed animals have noisemakers in them.  And batteries.  So when the brat bangs it on the table, instead of a nearly inaudible "poof" there's a big "WHAM" from its hard plastic guts hitting the hardwood.  Evil.  And when the brat barfs on that stuffed animal, I have to do a noise-mech-ectomy on the barfy thing before we can throw it in the washing machine.  I swear the modern toy industry exists only to drive sound-minded people so completely, clinically, insane, that they'll fail the background check at the gun store.

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I have an earache.  Seriously.  Dude.  I hadn't had one in over 30 years.  What next?  I remember reading somewhere that antibiotics don't really help an earache that much, so I think I'll try to tough it out without seeing a doc.  Or maybe that was strep throat.  Whatever.  If I lose the hearing in that ear and my whole brain becomes infected I don't think it'll affect me much, except the quality of my blog posts might improve a bit.

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My Beavs looked like they had the Alamo Bowl well in hand.  Then suddenly the Texas QB pulled his head out of his Ash and started making plays.  Also, blocking Okafor must have been an elective class that none of our O-line bothered to enroll in.  The Longhorns came roaring back in the 2nd half and won.  Gack.

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On the bright side, the local buzz is that the Quackheads about an hour south of me are going to have a very unhappy new year.  Sounds like the Ducks' recruiting violations are gonna cost them a couple years of Bowl eligibility.  Look for Coach Kelly to jump to the NFL about 3 milliseconds after the Fiesta Bowl is over.

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I bought my wife a(nother) digital camera for Christmas.  I told the chick at the camera counter "I don't care about megapixels.  I don't care about optical zoom.  I don't care about the capacity of the memory card.  I want a camera that won't #$%^&* explode into a million pieces the first time it is dropped, which, coincidentally, is usually the first time it is used."  She suggested some model of Fuji Finepix.  I took her suggestion.  So far, so good.  [looks for wood to knock on]

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What's with sippy cups?  Would it be that hard to standardize them?  I have a drawer full of sippy lids and a cupboard full of sippy cups, but @#$%^&* if I can ever get a lid to match up with a cup.  Even the #$%^&* Dora The Explorer lids won't fit on the Dora The Ex-whore-a cups.  And they're all vacuum-formed with little "grippy" areas.  Yeah, right.  The brat will still manage to drop the cup and the ill-fitting lid will pop off and then comes the mess.  All the grippy area is good for is to create little crevices inside that can in no way be cleaned.  Even with a bottle brush.  So I stick 'em in the dishwasher and set the machine to "hope this works!"  It makes me want to go to work and print a bumper sticker that reads "My grandkid has a more robust immune system than your honor student."

17 comments:

  1. Thanks for the smiles this morning Inno.

    I was able to get revenge on my daughter for all those years of noisy toys. I buy her kids every loud and obnoxious toy I can find and send them. To their home in Florida! Of course she responds by firing back with squeaky toys for Angus. And when I inevitably cit the little noise makers out with a butcher knife he gives me the sad puppy dog face.

    Sigh. I guess sometimes you just can't win.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can win. You did win. Dogs >> kids, ergo, dogs toys >> kid toys.

      Delete
  2. I bought my grandson a drum set as revenge on my daughter...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well played! Unlike, I'm guessing, the drums.

      Delete
  3. Those were World Class, as far as grievances go. I never thought much about the odd/even year thing but the initial examples I've pulled outta my ear (or points further south) seem to support your hypothesis.

    Another example of sippy cup horror: thinking "what's that smell?" when ya get in the car on a hot summer's day, only to find one of those damned things under the seat... after it's been there for a week or so.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, my grandkids have made a batch of prison wine under the seat of the car a couple times...

      Delete
  4. " I swear the modern toy industry exists only to drive sound-minded people so completely, clinically, insane, that they'll fail the background check at the gun store."

    I'm staying away from them gun stores anyway; too many weirdos are showing up.

    The other day, a lady walked in and told the clerk she needed to buy a rifle for her husband. Clerk asked if he'd told her what caliber to get. She said, "Are you serious? He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They're pretty thick skinned. Better go for a larger caliber.

      Delete
  5. "If there's gonna be a death in the family, a major financial reversal, relationship problems" I'll be praying for you and your wife...

    You forgot to mention having to find those @#$&&@# clear plastic thingies that go inside the lid. Seriously we have to do that every freaking day of our lives!!!!

    I still cannot believe that after an entire game of Cody Vaz sucking it up, we still put him in in the last drive. I would usually say an entire team loses but this time, everybody played like all-stars and we lost because of one dang awful QB. I told Josiah that I will not watch another beaver football game until next season. He said I should make that one of my resolutions.

    P.S. I'll buy two of those bumper stickers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vaz stunk, but it would've helped if we didn't give up a record number of sacks.

      Delete
  6. Let's toast in the new year with champagne from our Tippy-cups.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You know, that ear ache of yours could be a sign of troubling anti-government thought. I'm afraid I'm going to have to go to the White House web site and create a petition to get a dangerous conservative like yourself arrested.

    It's time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree to go peacefully, as long as I don't have to share a cell with Piers Morgan.

      Delete
    2. Understandable. Okay - Honey Boo-Boo it is!

      Delete
  8. I'd suggest staying at work and getting extra pay whilst staying away from ear ache causers. That would be killing two stones with one bird or whatever. But then again you have a wife that would love the help. hmmmm seems like you're stick between a rock and a hard place. But don't let me be the one to tell ya that the light at the end of the tunnel is a train. just kidding, you'll do just fine.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dragging up the rear on your comments here, but better Nate than Lever (punch line to a joke I can't remember)... My wife loves kids, and seems to think of them in that age range (0-Brat). I have recovered from our own two growing up (one's going to medical school and the other is in prison - I've got all the bases covered) only now my wife, being a COTA (cert occ therapy asst) who works with brats now has a HUGE COLLECTION of these @#%$*&!! toys in our house "for therapeutic reasons". And a couple of them do randomly make noises on their own (most notably an elephant)... I feel your pain.

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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