Monday, March 14, 2011
Defense and Transportation merger
[Obama] "In light of our continuing budget problems and inability to rein in the deficit, I have deigned to come down from above the fray and announce an important merger: Effective immediately, the Cabinet departments of Defense and Transportations shall be merged. Stop and think... Managing logistics is a crucial component of modern warfare. Maintain troop diversity, you know, the proper ratios of gay/straight, white/minority, etc, is very challenging. As is delivering the halal MRE's to our faithful soldiers that only eat halal. Such critical issues can only be solved by an enormous bureaucracy. Thankfully, we already have one in place that can step right in to fill the void. Heading this new combined department will be Neil Goldschmidt, the former Secretary of Transportation under Carter, Governor of Oregon, and Mayor of Portland. Anybody who has managed to get away with what he has gotten away with deserves a place on my Cabinet. Unfortunately he is unable to join us at this announcement, however, the #2 at this new department is here. He's like an Admiral or something, and there are some other supporters we'd like to hear from...
[Admiral] "Thank you, Mr. President. Though it may seem an unlikely marriage, we are already finding new and exciting synergies we can make much use of. For a while, the Navy has been working on a very powerful railgun. And Transportation has had a fetish for high-speed rail. So why not a high-speed railgun? It makes so much sense. For decades, the difficulty of defending against inbound missiles has been described as 'hitting a bullet with a bullet'. So now we've changed the game entirely. It is now 'hitting a bullet with a bullet train' and the odds of success are much higher."
[Greenie eco-guy] "Plus, the power of the railgun is astounding. It can launch the bullet train all the way across town in about 2.5 seconds. This allows me an extra few minutes in the morning to smoke up my wake-n-bake bowl before heading out to my shift at the co-op. That is, when we miss the missile. When we hit the missile, all aboard die in a violent crash - but it knocks that awful polluting missile out of our pristine skies, so it's worth it."
[Corporate fatcat] "Not only that, the fiery launch burns the mange and most of the stink right off these hippies. When they arrive at the co-op to rinse the manure off the organic eggplant, you can hardly smell that patchoulli."
[Obama] "There you have it. This will save taxpayers billions of dollars and manages to please every interest group. This is what you can look forward to on those rare occasions that I step up and lead."