It was announced that today would be a Shiite "Day of Rage" in Saudi Arabia. Not much has happened. I guess they were all raged-out from being enraged all the other days of the year. Did you know that there is one day a year when they aren't enraged? Yes. It is Shiite Hugs & Kittens Day. But because of their angry moon god they use the lunar calendar, which even that computer that won Jeopardy can't figure out. So we can never tell when Hugs & Kittens Day will fall on our "real" calendar. Usually it is between "Death to Jews Day" and the other "Death to Jews Day" but not always. It's a real pain that can mess up a guy's travel plans.
There has to be a way to make lemons out of this lemonade, and I think I have a plan. First, we have to recognize that the Shiites are under a lot of stress - not unlike the seams on MichelleO's stretchpants - and all we need to do is push them just a little harder and they'll snap like Dan Marino's Achilles. I volunteer to go to the Middle East and talk smack until they go (even more) postal...
"Hey Shiite Abdul! Hussein, who happens to be a Sunni, said his dictator is bigger'n your dictator!"
"Psst, Shiite Jamaal. Yeah, you didn't hear this from me, but that Sunni guy named Ahmed is going around telling people that Abu Bakr could have totally kicked Ali's butt, but Ali was too afraid to fight."
Stuff like that. Then while they're all mad at each other and busy chasing each other around with scimitars, I implement the second part of the strategy: Gather all the Mexicans that are awaiting deportation and stuff them in airplanes. Airdrop them into the southern parts of all the oil-producing mooselimb countries. But first tell them "We now have Apache helicopters patrolling the border with orders to shoot on sight. So the only way back in is to dig a tunnel. So don't you dare try to dig a tunnel or we'll be really mad." Then push 'em out of the airplane. Yes, they'll have parachutes. I'm not that mean. They'll land in the desert somewhere in the Middle East and think they're back home in Mexico, 'cuz, let's face it - one piece of arid crappy land pretty much looks like any other piece of arid crappy land. And knowing them, they'll immediately start tunneling north. Then their tunnels will strike oil. I'm even willing to share some of the oil with the tunnel diggers. That's called Compassionate Conservatism (which I'm generally opposed to but I'm feeling more compassionate than normal right now). The best part is that the mooselimbs won't even notice since they're too busy chasing each other around with scimitars. Oil prices will go back down and everybody will live happily ever after.
What do you think of this plan? Pretty clever, isn't it?