|You! Yeah, you! Don't talk to me like that! I'm like, important and stuff.|
[White House Press Secretary Jay Carney] "Sorry I'm late. Things have been a little crazy around here."
[reporter] "Where's Obama? Where's Gibbs? And who are you? You look like, like you're barely old enough to be a shift manager at Arby's and you're standing behind that podium?"
[Carney] "Taking your questions in order, The President is still outside the White House. He's not technically locked out, it's just that Hillary was in a bad mood so she went around the sticking her claws in the keyholes and breaking the tips off so the keys wouldn't go in. Gibbs resigned a couple months ago. I'm the press secretary now. And, yes, I am old enough to be a shift manager. In fact I'm the assistant store manager. I still smell like roast beef - you can come up here and take a sniff if you don't believe me - I haven't had a chance to shower because, like I said, it has been crazy around here."
[another reporter] "When will Obama talk to us about the war in Libya?"
[Carney, using "scare quotes"] "What war in Libya? It's not a war. It is a 'kinetic military operation.' This is one of those 'overseas contingencies' where we have to deal with a 'man-caused disaster' by way of a 'kinetic military operation.' "
[another reporter] "What's this about giving away our missile tech to Russia? We've spent billions of dollars developing this, and now we're going to just hand it over?"
[Carney] "Russia is a partner in peace. We do nice things for our partners in peace. Besides, Putin said he'd judo-slam Obama into the thorniest rose in the Rose Garden if we don't. And billions of dollars? Why are you acting like that is some kind of big deal? It was mostly funded with money borrowed from China, so we'll probably just give it to them, too. And it'll get the Nobel Committee to chill about revoking Obama's Peace Prize. We all know how important that is."
[press corps] **stunned silent disbelief**
[Carney] "Doesn't anybody want to talk about the NCAA Tournament?"