Saturday, January 8, 2011
Here's one for Buck
[Announcer1] "Welcome to the first annual charity hockey showdown, featuring the Blue State Braying Asses against the Red State Donkey Stompers! Coach Soros, what charity is your team supporting this year?"
[Soros] "Vell, establishingk a global socialist dictatorship ist more expensive than one might thingk. So I vill keep the money for myself."
[An1] "And you, Coach Limbaugh?"
[Limbaugh] "Since I love all kinds of furry critters, I think we'll give it to the SPCA"
[Announcer1] "Alright, let's get down to the opening face off!"
Senator Reid and Speaker Boehner await the drop of the puck. Boehner wins. After a few passes they lose control of the puck. The Brayers dump it into the zone...
[Announcer1] "A shift change already?"
[Announcer2] "Yeah, eh. The Brayers already look exhausted, eh. Here comes their second shift."
**CRASH** a Donkey Stomper is sent into the boards and the plexiglass shatters.
[Announcer2] "Wow, did you see that butt-check that Michelle just delivered, eh?"
[Announcer1] "Yes, devastating. Let's hope everybody is OK."
After some clean-up, play resumes...
**BOOM!** Michelle hip-checks another Donkey Stomper. He is knocked out cold.
[Coach Limbaugh] "This is ridiculous! Hey kid! Come here!"
[little kid] "Yeah?"
[Limbaugh] "Here's a hundred dollar bill. Go to concessions and buy the biggest, greasiest, saltiest burger you can get and come right back."
[kid] "Sure thing!"
Some mediocre hockey takes place for a few minutes. Then the kid returns with a 4000 calorie Cardiac Burger.
[Limbaugh] "OK, start eating!"
The kid takes a bite.
[MichelleO, sniffing the air] "I detect a child being poisoned by a yummy yet unhealthy lunch. Wait! There! Hey kid, who gave you that burger?"
Kid points at Coach Limbaugh. MichelleO goes into a klingon-esque apoplexy and attacks Limbaugh with her stick. She is escorted off the ice by security.
[Referee] "Game misconduct!"
The Brayers send in their penalty-killing team featuring Maxine Waters, Bill Clinton, Charlie Rangel and Barry.
[Announcer1] "The Brayers have a lot of people who are skilled at skating out on crimes, corruption, and penalties in general. Let's see how they do here..."
With the power play in effect and the Brayer's enforcer out for the game misconduct, Senator DeMint attempts a slapshot, which is deflected away by goalkeeper Barney Frank.
[Announcer2] "Nice flab-save by the keeper, eh. Looks like he shot for the 3 hole, but a round guy like Frank doesn't really have much of a 3 hole. Scoring opportunities are going to be scarce, eh."
After the first period, the score remains 0-0.
Obama wins the next face-off and boyishly goofs with the puck. "Whee!" he says, as he fires it deep into Donkey Stomper ice.
[Obama] "MMmmm... Icing... Chocolate is the best, but Cherry-Amaretto is pretty good, too."
[Referee] "You have no idea what's going on do you?"
[Obama] "What are the red and blue stripes for? And how do they put them under the ice?"
[Referee, faceplam gesture]
Nearing the end of the second period, Speaker Boehner gets a breakaway opportunity. He jukes the keeper that scores with a wrist shot.
At the end of the second period, the Donkey Stompers lead, 1-0.
During the intermission, Coach Soros has a chat with Frank.
[Soros] "How could you allow that wrist shot?"
[Frank] "Among my circo of fwends back in Massachusetts, a 'wist shot' means something vewy diffwent, and we consider it an accepted expwession of sexuality."
[Soros] "OK, you're done. Help me roll out Michael Moore for the third period."
A hideously obese figure tries to drive out to the crease in his mobility scooter, but the wheels fail to get traction. The rest of the team pushes him to his place in front of the net.
[Soros] "Just sit there and block the net!"
[Announcer1] "Wow, there isn't much net visible. Scoring will be even tougher, now."
[Limbaugh] "Send in our secret weapon"
Sarah Palin hops over the wall and skates toward center ice. As she comes to an abrupt halt, bits of ice fly off her skate into Obama's face.
[Obama, indignantly] "The shaved ice I get in Hawaii is much tastier."
[Palin] "Do you know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?"
[Obama] "I think I've heard this joke before."
[Palin] "No. A pit bull doesn't have a custom kevlar stick with the maximum legal amount of curvature. Nor does a pit bull have custom skates with extra-sharp tungsten carbide blades with pretty pink laces. You're in my world now, bitc..."
Before Palin can finish speaking, the puck is dropped. She wins the face off and breaks across the blue line. A ferocious slapshot strikes the keeper, and the puck disappears into a fold of the the keeper's ample flesh.
[Referee, points to the circle] "Uh, I guess that counts as holding the puck. Face off over here"
This is repeated several times, but Palin can't seem to get a shot past the corpulent keeper. By the end of the third period, he is battered and bruised from absorbing shot after shot. Donkey Stompers win, 1-0.
I know, lame ending. Sue me. Or better still, write a better one in the comments. And Buck, I know you're not a Palin fan, but at least she likes hockey, eh?