Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Barry traumatic injury

Cabinet meeting.  Usual cabinet, czars, and crooks in attendance.

[Obama] "OK.  Vacation's over.  Let's get down to business.  Where's Hillary?"

[temp guy] "Not sure, sir"

[Obama] "Who are you?"

[temp guy] "I'm the replacement for Rahm."

[Obama] "Then you will address me as 'sire' or 'lord'.  K?"

[Sebelius] "Speaker Boehner is introducing a bill to completely repeal BarryCare!"

[Obama] "What?!"

Meanwhile, at Foggy Bottom, the State Department HQ... Hillary is alone in her office...  Candles are arranged in a weird circle...

[Hillary, to Obama voodoo doll she holds] "You send me out to meet with swarthy people who eat baklava while you fly around in Air Force 1.  I hate baklava!  I was supposed to be The One flying around.  I was The One who was supposed to get the Peace Prize.  I was supposed to be The One to lead America to ruin.  You have stolen my destiny!  Now, behold!  I shall floss my teeth with what's left of your whithered soul!" [breaks doll in half and sniffs at its innards] "Yes!  I can feel my evil power multiplying!  Multiplying!  Multiplying like bunnies on viagra!  Bwaahaaahaaahaaa!"

Back at the White House...

[Obama, collapsing in pain] "My back!"

[temp guy] "Sire!"

[Obama, standing up and stretching] "Hey! I feel pretty good!  Remember that old TV show, where they had a recurring skit of two really flaming black guys that would review movies?  They'd watch something really cool like Red Dawn and then say 'hated it!'  Remember that?  There was one episode where one of the guys got hit in the head.  Can't remember if it was an anvil or a sledgehammer or whatever.  But it made him straight and tough.  I feel just like that!  Now, where were we?"

[Sebelius] "Boehner wants to repeal BarryCare.  But don't worry.  There aren't enough votes in the Senate to make it happen."

[Obama pulls out Blackberry, calls Harry Reid] "Hey, Harry.  Barry here.  When that repeal bill shows up, you need to make sure it passes.  Understood?"

[Reid, laughing uproariously] "Mr. President!  I just laughed so hard, you made me snort decaf on my silk PJs!  Normally I don't 'get' negro humor, but I must say, that was REALLY funny!"

[Obama] "I'm serious.  In a second there will be a knock on your door..."

[Reid] "Wait a sec, there's somebody at the door."

[Obama] "Those are CIA agents who are going to waterboard you with Ginger Ale until the repeal bill passes.  No kidding.  Make it happen." [hangs up phone and puts it back in his pocket]

[Obama] "Defense"

[Gates] "Sir!"

[Obama] "I'm sick of our boys getting shot up in Afghanistan.  Make a plan to pull them out.  I also hate losing wars.  So carpet bomb everything, and I mean everything, between Kashmir and the Iraqi border."

[Gates] "Sir, um, that would mean bombing Pakistan, Afghanistan AND Iran.  Are you sure about that?"

[Obama] "OK, maybe you're right.  Bomb the eastern parts of Iraq, too.  Just to be sure and stuff."

[Gates] "Yes, sir!  We'll get right on it!"

[Obama] "Looks like I might need to replace Hillary soon.  Suggestions?"

[lots of doctrinaire liberals are named]

[Obama] "Nah.  I was thinking more along the lines of that old Marine Corps guy who does that 'jackwagon' ad on TV.  I think he'd be perfect."

[confused stares exchanged between cabinet members]

Later that day, at a town hall meeting...

[emcee] "Your President, Barack Obama!"

[applause]

[Obama] "Thank you.  Let's take a question.  You, there." [points]

[Attendee] "Sir, I'm really worrying about the rising price of gasoline."

[Obama] "Worry no longer.  I have a plan.  Everywhere there is a Starbucks, we're going to tear it down.  Sorry, you Saab driving losers.  You'll have to convene your little "bemoan the loss of Snowy Plover habitat" klatch somewhere else.  'Cuz we're going to put in a nuclear power plant on every former Starbucks site.  People will have to go joyriding in their Tesla Roadsters just to keep the grid from getting overflowed by all the surplus power.  There'll be so much electricity everywhere, you'll be able to just hold your phone up in the air and it'll recharge all by itself.  Then we'll conserve the gas for use in our Ferraris, which everybody will be able to afford after I demand tribute money from all the lesser countries of the world.  Which would be all of them."

[Obama, pointing] "Next question"

[Attendee] "Sir!  I've been waiting so long for medical treatment.  I was so thrilled when BarryCare passed, and now it is going to be repealed?  I don't understand!  I'm so disappointed."

[Obama] "Why don't you just get a job that offers healthcare benefits?"

[Attendee] "What?"

[Obama] "Yeah, like, get up in the morning every day and put in a good 8 hours, collect a paycheck, yadda yadda."

[Attendee] "I ain't got a job 'cuz I ain't got no education."

[Obama] "Why is that?"

[Attendee] "I dropped out of school.  I've been livin' on welfare, but there ain't enough money left over for the treatment I need."

[Obama] "So.  The people of this fine country work hard to provide you a free education, and you turn it down, mess up your life, and expect everybody else to do everything for you?"

[Attendee] "Pretty much"

[Obama] "And you want somebody else to pay for your medical needs?  Like that guy who runs a little bakery in Connecticut?  You want him to pay for it?"

[Attendee] "Yeah!  That sounds really good to me!"

[Obama, raising his pimp hand and taking a few steps toward the attendee] "Why, I ought to just slap the stupid right out of you.  Here and now.  But I won't.  At least not until the cameras are turned off.  You, you, are exactly what's wrong with America.  I want to be sick!"

Later still, out on the golf course with Biden...  Obama hits a 377 yard drive that is straighter than a laser beam in a vacuum.

[Biden] "Great shot, sir!  Looks like a good eagle opportunity!"

[Obama] "Alright Joe.  Tee it up and show me what ya got!"

Biden viciously shanks the ball, which bounces off a tree trunk and strikes the prez right between the eyes, knocking him out cold.

[Biden] "Aw crap!  Sir! Sir!  Wake up!  Are you OK?  Sir!"

[Obama, glassy eyed] "Whaaa?"

[Biden] "Whew!  You're alive!  How many fingers am I holding up?"

[Obama] "More regulations and higher taxes?  Yeah!  Two Snaps and an Around the World!  Woo!"

18 comments:

  1. Very good stuff! I never saw it coming! I hope you have a compilation of this stuff, so you can do like ol' Frank J did with his "Chronicles of W" or whatever that was!

    Prime form, sir! Better than an engraved .300 WinMag dummy round!

    Well, not better, but just about as great!

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  2. Funny you should post this about the Great BO. There's an article in today's Calgary Herald about a book due to be released about BO's White House by an anonymous writer that has Washington all atwitter. (don't know how to put the link in 'comments', so go to Calgaryherald.com)

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  3. Hillary's nuts; baklava is awesome.

    Just sayin'.

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  4. I was really worried there for awhile, but leave it to good old Biden to get his Lordship back to normal. I bow to your comic excellence.

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  5. PS ... Check Woodsterman after 3:00PM today.

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  6. How did you get the oval office wired? I've been trying to do that for years?

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  7. Creative (check)

    Accurate (check)

    Excellent rendition (can I use that word here?) of the event.

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  8. This is great! When are you releasing the book of all of Obama's conversations?

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  9. Excellent work! Thanks for the laugh.

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  10. Funny Stuff, if only that voodoo doll worked!

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Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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