Yet another reason to avoid Portland

Willamette Week reports that the City of Portland has contracted to have all office supplies delivered by CARGO TRICYCLE.  So stay away from Portland lest your SUV get caught in traffic behind some butter-lunged hemp smoker trying to huff 500lbs of 24# recycled bondpaper up a steep hill.

You have been warned!

wtf

Challenger, Go at Throttle Up

Challenger Memorial at Arlington National Cemetery

There are historic events that sear themselves into a person's conscious.  Kennedy assassination... 9/11... The Challenger explosion.  For me, the Challenger was one of those events.  I was sitting in my high school Advanced Biology class that morning.  A student in the hall stuck his head in the door and said "The Space Shuttle just blew up!" but at first nobody took him very seriously.  He said it again, more emphatically and we could tell he wasn't goofing.  My normally laid-back (and barely sober) teacher pointed at one of my classmates and barked out an instruction: "Ken.  A/V Lab, now!  Bring us back a TV!" 

He hustled back with a TV and set it up.  Then we watched the coverage in dismay.  The human cost was terrible.  Many in the classroom couldn't help but cry...

A lot has been written about the tendencies of people to be liberal in their youth and more conservative as they mature.  Not so with me.  I never had that liberal stage.  My friends and I were already fiscal and foreign policy hawks.   Rah-rah proponents of American Exceptionalism - that we had gotten our "swagger" back after bad outcomes in Vietnam and the embassy in Tehran.  We had a (foolish) belief that America under Reagan had turned a corner and could Do No Wrong.

So watching a horrid fail right there on TV was like a mulekick to the guts.  I still get both sad and pissed when I reflect on that day.  What about you?

About that certificate

Huh.  Whoa, dude.  Is the camera on?  Maybe I shouldn't have smoked up just before coming on camera.  Heh.  Nah, I'm not high.  It's just that the lei is tickling my neck.  Snkzzzk. 

So, I got a little ahead of myself with that announcement that I'd produce a birth cert for barry.  I was so sure, man, that we had that cert, 'cuz I was like, there, man, when it all went down.  But it shouldn't be such a surprise that I can't find it.  One time, I like, looked for my crackpipe for like 9 straight hours.  And it was in my lap the whole time!  Anyway, I was down on the beach sitting around a fire with Jerry Garcia and that guy, oh, what's his name...  The LSD tripper guy who wrote, oh yeah, Tom Leary or something like that.  I remember it like yesterday.  So we were sitting by the fire when Tom said we should throw some peyote on the fire and try to have a vision.  Jerry got mad 'cuz he thought Tom said "coyote" and Jerry was a big animal lover.  After we gave Jerry some more Jaeger he calmed down and Tom put the peyote on.  Not much was happening so we put a tarp over the fire to try to catch more of the fumes but the tarp was plastic and it started to melt.  Jerry tried to throw it in the surf but some hot plastic dripped on me and I screamed like a girl.  That's when it got really interesting...

All of a sudden, we hear a disembodied voice.  It sounded like James Earl Jones.  The voice said "This is The One.  He is a gift to the Virgin Stanley."  Right away we knew he was talking about Stanley Dunham despite that "virgin" thing.  And some angelic beings slowly drifted down to us, holding a baby in a golden basket.  We were like freaking out, man!  So they set this kid down next to us.  And Tom said "he's glowing!" and it was true but then he said "He has fangs!  He's here to destroy us" and he tried to put the kid in the fire but we convinced him he was just having a flashback.  So then we had to find Stanley.  Last we'd heard she was in Kenya stirring up some kind of trouble but thankfully the angelic beings said she was back in town and was in the alley behind the Circle-K.  I took a piece of driftwood and recorded these events in the sand.  I was pretty high, but I was "there" enough to remember to write it all above the high-tide waterline so it would still be there in the morning.  Jerry was passed out by then, so me 'n Tom went to the alley and what do you know?  She was right there, writing some communist poetry on the wall with organic chalk.  We told her what just happened and she didn't believe us.  So we took the kid to her parents' place and went back down to the beach.  The next day we filled out a proper birth certificate and then went down to the scuba shop to mock some tourists.  We did a lot of that back then.  Then Jerry wanted to roll a doob but started complaining about how he didn't have any paper.  Jerry used to complain a lot.  I was getting tired of it so I went to get us some sweet-n-sour.  When I came back Jerry was blazing up this huge fattie so I figured he must have finally found a paper.  It was the craziest weekend, ever, man.

So, like I said.  I was there.  I haven't found that certificate yet, but I will.  And even if I can't find it, we can always look on the beach for where I wrote it all down with a stick.

I am full of crap

For the last two years I've been regaling you all with tales from the inner workings of the Obama administration.  78 times I've revealed these things to you (so far).  But I have to admit that I am full of crap.  See, in many of those stories, I had Obama ACTUALLY FREAKIN' MEETING WITH HIS FREAKIN' CABINET.  Now I am shamed to announce that that SIMPLY ISN'T GOING ON.  Which kind of makes me a liar.  But only "kind of" a liar.  The rest of what I wrote is 100% true.  Honest.

Your coolness has been measured and found lacking

A young couple in my church gave birth yesterday to their first child.  A boy.  9lbs 13oz.  They named him Patton David.

Patton David...  Two of history's most illustrious buttkickers.  Nazi-busting giant slayer.

Try.  Try as hard as you want.  For as long as you want.  Wear yourself out trying to be as cool as a kid named Patton.  You'll never even come close to being that cool.  Sorry if that bursts your bubble.  Now, go and get along with your cool but not quite Patton-cool existence.

Championship Weekend variety pack

Gotta lot of little projects all running more-or-less in parallel.  Usually I'm more of a single-minded and focused type guy but lately I've started several time consuming projects and I haven't finished any of them.  Not even all that close on any of them, either.  But they are fun and keep the grammar-ray mind control beams from having (much) effect on me.

One is another song.  Hard to find enough quiet time around here to record, though, so it "on hiatus."

About ten years ago, I made a football boardgame for my pastor's kids.  They played it until it pretty much fell apart.  Now I'm working on a digital version.  I'm using OpenOffice because: A. I've done some decent work in MS Office/Visual Basic but I don't have that at home and B. I'm cheap.  Free is good.  But I'm pretty rusty and it is taking a long time.  Seems like a weird platform to develop in, but, hey, it's free and I think I can make it work.

Another project is a little adventure game.  I had a lot of fun with little quest I sent y'all on a few months ago, but doing that within a blog is pretty limiting.  This new one will end up as something that needs to be downloaded and run by itself. 

I should just hunker down on one of these and really make some progress, but I keep getting ideas for the other projects and jumping from one to the other.  And it doesn't help that my wife bought a Wii the other day.  So far I've only banged my hand on the ceiling once...  Distractions, distractions...

SO I leave you for now with some parting thoughts:

Dear Chicago/Green Bay:  Whoever wins today, please savor the moment.  It will be the last victory you have this season.

Dear New York Jets:  You stand between my Steelers and the Super Bowl.  This is a perilous place.  Like being between Oprah and a cheesecake.  Best you just step aside before you get hurt.

Are you paying attention?

Let's see how closely you follow current events...

1.  CNN recently apologized for the existence of Wolf Blitzer, whose name violates CNN's new policy against inflammatory rhetoric.  Their reasoning was:

• A.  Wolves are scary and sometimes beat up on sparkly metrosexual vampires
• B.  His name reminds people of Nazi armored units plowing through Poland
• C.  His name is too similar to a cheap beer once preferred by NW rednecks.
• D.  His name evokes violent images of my Steelers pounding Pretty Boy Sanchez into the turf
• E.  Other.  Explain___________________

2.  Representative to Oregon's 1st District David Wu (D)  is experiencing some staffing problems.  This is because:

• A.  He continues to claim that there is a Klingon in the White House when it really is a wookie.
• B.  He is an insufferable buttpain
• C.  The economy is so good that his staffers have gone on to better positions
• D.  He is an insufferable progressive buttpain
• E.  Other.  Explain____________________

3.  President Obama's weight loss has been attributed to intestinal parasites.  This diagnosis is:

• A.  Correct.  He was exposed to parasites during one of his many "head up his rearend" episodes.
• B.  Correct, but he couldn't have caught the parasites that way.  If the parasites were already present when he got his head stuck there, then...  In other words, it's like the chicken-or-the-egg problem.
• C.  Incorrect.  His weight loss is due to the stress and strain of incessant golf and vacationing.
• D.  Incorrect.  His weight loss is due to the First Lady stealing all the food off his plate.
• E.  Other.  Explain_____________________

Highest scorer on this quiz will receive no prize, other than bragging rights.  Which, of course, is the greatest prize of all.  Now git after it!

Like a weed whacker to the head

So.  It's Saturday.  Time for a haircut.  I go down to the Barber Shop.  A real one.  The kind where there are NOT full-color hairstyle books for one to flip through.  The kind with a big flatscreen showing the Duke game while Men discuss Important Stuff... 

Unfortunately, the guy barber wasn't there.  His wife was.  She's cut my hair before and it hasn't been a problem.  So she cuts and snips and hands me a mirror.  "I could take a little more off if you'd like."  It was close to where I wanted it, but still a tad long.  "OK."  Next thing you know, my hair is the shortest it has EVER BEEN.  I was born with more hair than that.  Wow.  The sides aren't really any longer than my couple-days-worth of unshaven-faced-ness.  The outrage!

I figger this is something that HAS to be shared, so I set up the camera.  If you think that I look all pasty from the flash washing out all the color, you'd be wrong.  That is really how I look.  That is how everybody in western Oregon looks.  It hasn't stopped raining for like 8437 straight days.  It is like that stupid story I had to read in middle school.  It is horrible.  There's a mudslide warning on the radio.  It has been so cloudy for so long that last month I got sunburn from my neighbor's Christmas lights.  Make it sunny and gimme back my hair!

Photo 1 caption:  In the ongoing war between the forehead and the hairline, the forehead is winning.
Alternate caption:  Heyyyyyy, Joker!

Photo 2 caption:  Wow, dude.  Them's some screwy looking ears!
Alternate caption:  You have 5 seconds to get off my lawn and I've already spent four seconds warning you!

Priorities

At least there's one kid in the world with his head screwed on straight.

Abundance of the heart

This post brought to you by Vitriol, from the makers of Geritol.  Vitriol is clinically proven to clear clogged bile ducts, vent spleens, and overcome that "not so fresh feeling."

Sturgeon General's Warning:  If your rhetoric becomes inflamed, or if your indignation remains roused for over 4 hours, don't change anything.  That means it is working.





--------------------------------------------------

Matthew 12:33-35 (New King James Version)

A Tree Known by Its Fruit

33 “Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. 34 Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. 35 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.

What is in the heart will find its way out.  Be certain of that...

Recall that in the immediate aftermath of the Tuscon shooting, Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik began hurling outrageous and baseless claims against innocent Americans - whole classes of Americans. He revealed to all what is in his heart, and it was not a pretty sight.  The first response from Barry?  Those words that came forth from the abundance in his heart?  Call Dupnik and congratulate him for doing such a swell, swell job. Very telling.

From there, the much-ballyhooed speech where barry gives us some of that soaring oratory.  Chock full of "civility" and "healing" and other such "noble" things.  Too bad he has giving Dupnik props for saying the exact opposite just a couple days earlier, or it might have been a really good speech.  But the prior revelation of what was already in barry's heart makes the whole speech a bunch of worthless, dishonest crap.  Crap that took a few days to cook up, focus-group and print t-shirts for.  Things that are abounding in the heart don't take 4+ days to be spoken.  As Rush mentioned on the radio this morning, that "Together We Thrive" sloganeering garbage is recycled from barry's campaign website.

It is all just campaigning, and shame on the so-called "conservative" pundits who fell for it.  This whole episode is the most egregious assault on decency that I can remember.  The NYT hasn't just fudged some wording, but flat out PRINTED LIES in an effort to perpetuate these vile smears.  And a way-too-late and not at all heartfelt "can't we all just get along" speech is supposed to make it all good?  Bah!  Barry has shown himself to be against decency and honesty from the very start of this sad episode.  Do not fall for his lip service.

Libdork death throes

When I was a kid, a guy we know invited my family over for an old-fashioned turkey dinner... Complete with loppin' the head off the live turkey.  The headless bird fluttered around, then got on its feet and ran full-tilt about 30 feet, right into the back wheel of his pickup.  Blood-n-feathers everywhere.  It was shocking to a kid my age. 

You see, the bird was dead.  But...  There remained just enough spark in his nervous system for him to run around a make a total mess of things before he finally stopped twitching and started getting plucked.

What we've seen the last couple days is a nationwide, macro- version of the turkey.  The "mainstream" media is losing readers and viewers at an alarming (to them) rate.  Their credibility is shot.  They could have taken a lesson from the recent elections and modified they editorial positions, so that they weren't consistently insulting a large subset of America.  Stop the bleeding, one might say.

But no...  A tragedy occurs, and they turn the stupid up to eleven.  Sheriff Dupnik Poopdik tries to blame everybody but the one who actually pulled the trigger.  Krugman at the NYT, Halperin at TIME Magazine, and every leftoid blogger - they all suddenly want to blame Palin/Tea Party/racists/whatever.  Constant coverage.  Non-stop coverage.  Analysis of the analysis...

And the nation yawns.  Nobody cares.  Oh, the nation cares about the tragedy.  The nation cares about those who were lost and those who are still fighting to recover.  But precious few care what the talking heads have to say about it.  On this issue, they went "all-in" with what's left of their credibility and lost.  Now all that's left for them is to finish their mad dash towards the back wheel of the pickup.

Ducks/Tigers

'Bout two hours 'til kickoff.  I hate the Ducks, and of course Auburn has been utterly useless since Vincent Edward Jackson vacated the campus more than 20 years ago.  So, with regard to this game, I have no predictions, prognostications, ponderings, or presbyterians.

OregonGuy has some interesting thoughts, though. 

Comment of the Week

A couple posts back, Trestin left a winner:

Hippy girls are fun to mess with. I remember I had at the grocery store counter ask me if I wanted paper or plastic. I asked her which one would hurt the environment the most, she said plastic. I then looked in in the face, smiled, and said: "Then I'll have the plastic." She was not very happy.

 If ya ask me, that's just dripping with awesome.

Here's one for Buck

[Announcer1] "Welcome to the first annual charity hockey showdown, featuring the Blue State Braying Asses against the Red State Donkey Stompers! Coach Soros, what charity is your team supporting this year?"

[Soros] "Vell, establishingk a global socialist dictatorship ist more expensive than one might thingk.  So I vill keep the money for myself."

[An1] "And you, Coach Limbaugh?"

[Limbaugh] "Since I love all kinds of furry critters, I think we'll give it to the SPCA"

[Announcer1] "Alright, let's get down to the opening face off!"

Senator Reid and Speaker Boehner await the drop of the puck.  Boehner wins.  After a few passes they lose control of the puck.  The Brayers dump it into the zone...

[Announcer1] "A shift change already?"

[Announcer2] "Yeah, eh.  The Brayers already look exhausted, eh.  Here comes their second shift."

**CRASH** a Donkey Stomper is sent into the boards and the plexiglass shatters.

[Announcer2] "Wow, did you see that butt-check that Michelle just delivered, eh?"

[Announcer1] "Yes, devastating.  Let's hope everybody is OK."

After some clean-up, play resumes...

**BOOM!** Michelle hip-checks another Donkey Stomper.  He is knocked out cold.

[Coach Limbaugh] "This is ridiculous!  Hey kid! Come here!"

[little kid] "Yeah?"

[Limbaugh] "Here's a hundred dollar bill.  Go to concessions and buy the biggest, greasiest, saltiest burger you can get and come right back."

[kid] "Sure thing!"

Some mediocre hockey takes place for a few minutes.  Then the kid returns with a 4000 calorie Cardiac Burger.

[Limbaugh] "OK, start eating!"

The kid takes a bite.

[MichelleO, sniffing the air] "I detect a child being poisoned by a yummy yet unhealthy lunch.  Wait!  There!  Hey kid, who gave you that burger?"

Kid points at Coach Limbaugh.  MichelleO goes into a klingon-esque apoplexy and attacks Limbaugh with her stick.  She is escorted off the ice by security.

[Referee] "Game misconduct!"

The Brayers send in their penalty-killing team featuring Maxine Waters, Bill Clinton, Charlie Rangel and Barry.

[Announcer1] "The Brayers have a lot of people who are skilled at skating out on crimes, corruption, and penalties in general.  Let's see how they do here..."

With the power play in effect and the Brayer's enforcer out for the game misconduct, Senator DeMint attempts a slapshot, which is deflected away by goalkeeper Barney Frank.

[Announcer2] "Nice flab-save by the keeper, eh.  Looks like he shot for the 3 hole, but a round guy like Frank doesn't really have much of a 3 hole.  Scoring opportunities are going to be scarce, eh."

After the first period, the score remains 0-0.

Obama wins the next face-off and boyishly goofs with the puck.  "Whee!" he says, as he fires it deep into Donkey Stomper ice.

[Referee] "Icing!"

[Obama] "MMmmm... Icing...  Chocolate is the best, but Cherry-Amaretto is pretty good, too."

[Referee] "You have no idea what's going on do you?"

[Obama] "What are the red and blue stripes for?  And how do they put them under the ice?"

[Referee, faceplam gesture]

Nearing the end of the second period, Speaker Boehner gets a breakaway opportunity.  He jukes the keeper that scores with a wrist shot.

[Horn blares]

At the end of the second period, the Donkey Stompers lead, 1-0.

During the intermission, Coach Soros has a chat with Frank.

[Soros] "How could you allow that wrist shot?"

[Frank] "Among my circo of fwends back in Massachusetts, a 'wist shot' means something vewy diffwent, and we consider it an accepted expwession of sexuality."

[Soros] "OK, you're done.  Help me roll out Michael Moore for the third period."

A hideously obese figure tries to drive out to the crease in his mobility scooter, but the wheels fail to get traction.  The rest of the team pushes him to his place in front of the net.

[Soros] "Just sit there and block the net!"

[Announcer1] "Wow, there isn't much net visible.  Scoring will be even tougher, now."

[Limbaugh] "Send in our secret weapon"

Sarah Palin hops over the wall and skates toward center ice.  As she comes to an abrupt halt, bits of ice fly off her skate into Obama's face.

[Obama, indignantly] "The shaved ice I get in Hawaii is much tastier."

[Palin] "Do you know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?"

[Obama] "I think I've heard this joke before."

[Palin] "No.  A pit bull doesn't have a custom kevlar stick with the maximum legal amount of curvature.  Nor does a pit bull have custom skates with extra-sharp tungsten carbide blades with pretty pink laces.  You're in my world now, bitc..."

Before Palin can finish speaking, the puck is dropped.  She wins the face off and breaks across the blue line.  A ferocious slapshot strikes the keeper, and the puck disappears into a fold of the the keeper's ample flesh.

[Referee, points to the circle] "Uh, I guess that counts as holding the puck.  Face off over here"

This is repeated several times, but Palin can't seem to get a shot past the corpulent keeper. By the end of the third period, he is battered and bruised from absorbing shot after shot.  Donkey Stompers win, 1-0.

---------------

I know, lame ending.  Sue me.  Or better still, write a better one in the comments.  And Buck, I know you're not a Palin fan, but at least she likes hockey, eh?

Childhood memories

In the comments from the previous post, Deb brought to mind something I hadn't thought about in a long time...

When I was a child, I was abducted by a clan of Gypsies who took me to Thailand and...

Wait, wrong memory...

Oh yeah...  When I was about 12, I clearly remember the Jehovah's Witness folks coming around a lot.  One time I stood by the door while my Dad talked with them.  During the conversation, my Dad asked "Don't you Jay-Dubs believe that only 144,000 people will actually make it to Heaven?"  The witness responded in the affirmative.  So my Dad went on "So, say I am persuaded by you and convert.  Say I become, you know, like a Super-Dub and end up making Heaven and push you down to the 144,001 spot and you just miss it.  Wouldn't the irony be just unbearable?"

You could literally see the guy's brain synapses scrambling like a squirrel on the highway.  The witness finally answered "Well, if, by my outreach efforts you did attain that, it would reflect well on me and actually improve my standing."

After a pensive pause, Dad says "So what you're saying is that your whole religion is pretty much just another version of Amway?"

They didn't come by nearly as often after that one.

I had the time of my life...

...telling her to go away.  The other day I got a note in the mail with the exciting news that my household had been selected to partake in a gov't funded survey about health insurance, availability, yadda, yadda, snore...

The note said to expect somebody from RTI who was contracted by Barry and The Man to conduct this oh... so...vital... research.  "And be sure to ask for photo ID!  If they don't have it, they aren't from RTI!"  So I'm sitting here a few minutes ago, goofing on the computer when the dogs freak out.  Not that that is unusual.  I got up, and could see a silhouette in the window.  I waited a sec to see if ol' neckbone at the door would knock or just stand there.  (Turns out that this is a boring game.)  I got tired of waiting and yanked to door open to be greeted by a startled no-make-up natural-fiber-wearing granola chick.

"Hi!  You must have received the good news about this important survey.  It'll only take a few minutes.  Here's my ID" which she the showed to the dogs as if she were actually being cute.

"We won't be participating"

"But it will only take a few minutes and it is very important!"

"Like I said, we won't be participating."

"But the info we collect will be kept strictly confidential and will ensure that you are being properly represented."

"If I were being properly represented, I wouldn't have gov't survey takers standing on my porch asking me personal questions.  Bye Bye."

"But it will only take a second!"

"The next thing I say will be the magic word that turns you into dog chow.  Goodbye."

"Well, you're a nice one!" as she sneered as she left.

Heh.  Stupid liberal.  They always fall for the "you're gonna be dog chow" trick.

As heard on Lars Larson

Now that Nancy has handed over the gavel and lost her personal airplane, she's looking forward to flying on Southwest because...

Bags fly free!!

Bye Bye Bobby

Hello.  My name is Robert Gibbs.  You may have seen me on your TV dodging questions from guys like Jake Tapper and Major Garrett.  What you're not hearing is the real reason for my "departure" from the job as White House Press Secretary.  See, 2011 hasn't gone so well for me so far.  A few days ago, I went to the Fashion Fountain to take advantage of their post-(unmentionable religious holiday) sale.  But they were totally sold out of pink silk neckties.  I wasn't coping very well with that, and had a little meltdown...

So Barry says "maybe you should, you know, 'go spend more time with the family' " but I'm from Alabama.  Last time I was there, I wasn't very welcome.  They say mean things like "Your kind ain't welcome 'round here."  The only one that was even a little nice to me was hard to understand, as he was in desperate need of dental work.  I think he said something like "squeal like the pig that you are" but I'm not sure.

Then I tried out for "Biggest Loser" for reasons that don't really need explaining.  But this season Biggest Loser is doing a "couples" version and I couldn't find anybody willing to be my teammate.  You'd think that in this bad economy that we inherited from Boooosh that lots of folks would be willing to tolerate me for a few weeks, to get that shot at $250k.  But I guess that a quarter mill just isn't enough.  Can't buy me love.  Sorry.  I know I'm rambling but, you know, I need to air these things out...

So.  Anyway.  Barry has mentioned that he wants me to work on his 2012 campaign but I thoroughly expect him to get slaughtered.  I'm not sure if I can handle any more disappointment, so I think I'll pass on that offer.  So for now I'm unemployed and running out of options.  If you have a spare room, or even an RV in the driveway that you're not using this winter, please let me know.  I have nowhere else to go.

We're Dooooooomed!

Clatto Verata N... Necktie... Neckturn... Nickel... It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Clatto... Verata... N-

Barry traumatic injury

Cabinet meeting.  Usual cabinet, czars, and crooks in attendance.

[Obama] "OK.  Vacation's over.  Let's get down to business.  Where's Hillary?"

[temp guy] "Not sure, sir"

[Obama] "Who are you?"

[temp guy] "I'm the replacement for Rahm."

[Obama] "Then you will address me as 'sire' or 'lord'.  K?"

[Sebelius] "Speaker Boehner is introducing a bill to completely repeal BarryCare!"

[Obama] "What?!"

Meanwhile, at Foggy Bottom, the State Department HQ... Hillary is alone in her office...  Candles are arranged in a weird circle...

[Hillary, to Obama voodoo doll she holds] "You send me out to meet with swarthy people who eat baklava while you fly around in Air Force 1.  I hate baklava!  I was supposed to be The One flying around.  I was The One who was supposed to get the Peace Prize.  I was supposed to be The One to lead America to ruin.  You have stolen my destiny!  Now, behold!  I shall floss my teeth with what's left of your whithered soul!" [breaks doll in half and sniffs at its innards] "Yes!  I can feel my evil power multiplying!  Multiplying!  Multiplying like bunnies on viagra!  Bwaahaaahaaahaaa!"

Back at the White House...

[Obama, collapsing in pain] "My back!"

[temp guy] "Sire!"

[Obama, standing up and stretching] "Hey! I feel pretty good!  Remember that old TV show, where they had a recurring skit of two really flaming black guys that would review movies?  They'd watch something really cool like Red Dawn and then say 'hated it!'  Remember that?  There was one episode where one of the guys got hit in the head.  Can't remember if it was an anvil or a sledgehammer or whatever.  But it made him straight and tough.  I feel just like that!  Now, where were we?"

[Sebelius] "Boehner wants to repeal BarryCare.  But don't worry.  There aren't enough votes in the Senate to make it happen."

[Obama pulls out Blackberry, calls Harry Reid] "Hey, Harry.  Barry here.  When that repeal bill shows up, you need to make sure it passes.  Understood?"

[Reid, laughing uproariously] "Mr. President!  I just laughed so hard, you made me snort decaf on my silk PJs!  Normally I don't 'get' negro humor, but I must say, that was REALLY funny!"

[Obama] "I'm serious.  In a second there will be a knock on your door..."

[Reid] "Wait a sec, there's somebody at the door."

[Obama] "Those are CIA agents who are going to waterboard you with Ginger Ale until the repeal bill passes.  No kidding.  Make it happen." [hangs up phone and puts it back in his pocket]

[Obama] "Defense"

[Gates] "Sir!"

[Obama] "I'm sick of our boys getting shot up in Afghanistan.  Make a plan to pull them out.  I also hate losing wars.  So carpet bomb everything, and I mean everything, between Kashmir and the Iraqi border."

[Gates] "Sir, um, that would mean bombing Pakistan, Afghanistan AND Iran.  Are you sure about that?"

[Obama] "OK, maybe you're right.  Bomb the eastern parts of Iraq, too.  Just to be sure and stuff."

[Gates] "Yes, sir!  We'll get right on it!"

[Obama] "Looks like I might need to replace Hillary soon.  Suggestions?"

[lots of doctrinaire liberals are named]

[Obama] "Nah.  I was thinking more along the lines of that old Marine Corps guy who does that 'jackwagon' ad on TV.  I think he'd be perfect."

[confused stares exchanged between cabinet members]

Later that day, at a town hall meeting...

[emcee] "Your President, Barack Obama!"

[applause]

[Obama] "Thank you.  Let's take a question.  You, there." [points]

[Attendee] "Sir, I'm really worrying about the rising price of gasoline."

[Obama] "Worry no longer.  I have a plan.  Everywhere there is a Starbucks, we're going to tear it down.  Sorry, you Saab driving losers.  You'll have to convene your little "bemoan the loss of Snowy Plover habitat" klatch somewhere else.  'Cuz we're going to put in a nuclear power plant on every former Starbucks site.  People will have to go joyriding in their Tesla Roadsters just to keep the grid from getting overflowed by all the surplus power.  There'll be so much electricity everywhere, you'll be able to just hold your phone up in the air and it'll recharge all by itself.  Then we'll conserve the gas for use in our Ferraris, which everybody will be able to afford after I demand tribute money from all the lesser countries of the world.  Which would be all of them."

[Obama, pointing] "Next question"

[Attendee] "Sir!  I've been waiting so long for medical treatment.  I was so thrilled when BarryCare passed, and now it is going to be repealed?  I don't understand!  I'm so disappointed."

[Obama] "Why don't you just get a job that offers healthcare benefits?"

[Attendee] "What?"

[Obama] "Yeah, like, get up in the morning every day and put in a good 8 hours, collect a paycheck, yadda yadda."

[Attendee] "I ain't got a job 'cuz I ain't got no education."

[Obama] "Why is that?"

[Attendee] "I dropped out of school.  I've been livin' on welfare, but there ain't enough money left over for the treatment I need."

[Obama] "So.  The people of this fine country work hard to provide you a free education, and you turn it down, mess up your life, and expect everybody else to do everything for you?"

[Attendee] "Pretty much"

[Obama] "And you want somebody else to pay for your medical needs?  Like that guy who runs a little bakery in Connecticut?  You want him to pay for it?"

[Attendee] "Yeah!  That sounds really good to me!"

[Obama, raising his pimp hand and taking a few steps toward the attendee] "Why, I ought to just slap the stupid right out of you.  Here and now.  But I won't.  At least not until the cameras are turned off.  You, you, are exactly what's wrong with America.  I want to be sick!"

Later still, out on the golf course with Biden...  Obama hits a 377 yard drive that is straighter than a laser beam in a vacuum.

[Biden] "Great shot, sir!  Looks like a good eagle opportunity!"

[Obama] "Alright Joe.  Tee it up and show me what ya got!"

Biden viciously shanks the ball, which bounces off a tree trunk and strikes the prez right between the eyes, knocking him out cold.

[Biden] "Aw crap!  Sir! Sir!  Wake up!  Are you OK?  Sir!"

[Obama, glassy eyed] "Whaaa?"

[Biden] "Whew!  You're alive!  How many fingers am I holding up?"

[Obama] "More regulations and higher taxes?  Yeah!  Two Snaps and an Around the World!  Woo!"

Quick Joke

It is funny and even family friendly, pretty much.

Hear ye, hear ye!

On this third day in the Year of our Lord Two Thousand Half-score and One, proclaim in all the realm these Resolutions for the New Year:

Be it resolved, that I will become the funniest right-of-center blogger in the known universe.  Note that I don't plan on writing more posts or funnier posts.  'Cuz that sounds hard.  I think it would be easier to just chainsaw all the people that are funnier than me until I am #1.  I'm all about taking the easy way.  Nothing personal, Odie, but would you happen to have any 2 stroke oil I can borrow for my saw?

Be it resolved, that I really will post more.  Gonna aim for 1/day.  But it is already Jan 3 so I'm already behind by a couple posts.  Dang. 

Be it resolved, that I will link my blogfriends more often.  'Cuz there's nothing more exciting than getting linked by some nobody who's lucky to get 25 hits a day on his own blog.  I don't think there's a word yet in our language that means "the total polar opposite of an Insta-lanche" so "getting linked by innominatus" will have to do for now.  As an example of this new policy, check out this vid at the top of the post that A Man of Wonder put up a couple days ago.  While I don't live in Portland, I do live in a college town that isn't far (enough) away from Portland so I have to deal with the same kind of people.  I'll accept your pity via paypal.

Be it resolved, that I will be more thankful towards those who link to me.  Like, just last week I caught linkage from Andy and Six and possibly others.  Thankfully the pharmacist says he has a salve that will help. 

Lastly, be it resolved that I will continue my relentless mockery and denigration of liberals with an ever-increasing fervor, zeal, and intensity.  Except when I'm not feeling up to it.

So in love with me (bumped)

Some people aren't having much luck with this player.  I'm bummed, 'cuz I like goofing around with audio and would like to include more of it in my posts - but only if it works good for everybody.  So if you don't hear that old DiVinyls song when you hit the play button, please let me know what browser and whether you're windoze/mac/linux/whatever so I can try to figure it out.  Also, the player uses Flash, so you have to have that enabled. 

Thanks!

Click the "play" button