Trial of the Century

Matt gave me an idea yesterday.  So yeah, basically, I play requests...
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[Rusty the Bailiff] "All rise.  The People's Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Wapner presiding."

[Judge Wapner, entering courtroom] "Be seated.  Bring in the defendant."

Rusty brings in a cuffed and shackled Nancy Pelosi.

[Wapner] "You are charged with two counts of being a horrible human being.  For the record, we first need to confirm that you are a human being.  Counsel?"

[Defense Counselor] "Your Honor, Pelosi is so old that they didn't issue birth certificates back then.  All we have is a broken pottery shard with some ancient cuneiform runes on it.  The runes appear to announce her birth."

[Pelosi] "Hey, at least I have a birth certificate!"

[Wapner] "Good enough.  Before we begin, does the defendant have anything to say?"

[Pelosi] "Well, I really like the sound of People's Court.  It has such a collective, almost communist ring to it.  Like some quaint little Asian dictatorship.  I'm sure I'll get a very fair trial here.  And I love your gavel.  I have one, too, except mine is WAY bigger."

[Wapner] "We're not here to have a gavel measuring contest."

[Pelosi] "By the way, you know the House of Representatives controls the government purse.  I could write a bill that pays you a LOT of money."

[Wapner] "Not interested."

[Pelosi] "Aw, c'mon.  Go ahead and throw out a number.  A crazy number.  We're used to spending huge amounts - nothing you can say will shock me."

[Wapner] "How about 25 to life?"

[Pelosi] "You don't seem to understand..."

[Wapner] "Bailiff!"

Rusty performs a quickdraw and shoots Nancy in the throat with a frozen paintball.

[Pelosi] " *koff* *koff* " [wheezing] "I can barely talk, and I think I taste blood!"

[Jury] "So do we!  Bwaaahaaahaaa!"

[Wapner] "The first count is blatant disregard for the citizens' will with regard to spending and passing unpopular bills."

[Defense] "Your Honor, Madame Speaker dutifully represents the constituents in her home district.  Her decisions are very popular there."

[Pelosi] "It's true.  Have you ever been to San Francisco?  It's charming.  In one short cablecar ride, one can see homeless people shooting drugs and illegal aliens collecting welfare and hairy guys in assless chaps spanking each other with small dead animals.  In a one-day trip, one can acquire an encyclopedic knowledge of every form of deviant behavior.  Oh, how I love it!"

[Wapner] "The second count is a charge of being too ugly to be allowed in public"

[Pelosi] "Your Honor, for a woman of my advanced age, I think I look pretty darned hot!"

[Prosecutor] "Your Honor, when Madame Speaker holds a fundraising event, she uses the slack skin on her tummy as a giant collection basket.  Little kids ride in it like a hammock!"

[Wapner pukes]

[Wapner, wiping mouth] "I think we've heard enough.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you are excused to the deliberation chamber."

[Jury Foreman] "Your Honor, that won't be necessary.  GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! Guilty on all counts!"

Juror #333 is such a dork

Dang.  Checked the Benton County court's webpage last night and it said jurors number 303 to 520 would not be needed and would be put back in the selection pool for later.  I was #333.  I gave exactly ZERO effort to brainstormin' up any post ideas this weekend, as I was convinced I'd have plenty o' courtroom tales to tell.  So here I am, wearing my Loser Hat with nothing to write about.  By the way, ain't it surprising how fast shaving cream comes out of a brand new can?  Golly!

They both golf a lot, too!

Forwarded to me by aA, who quips "that should be on a billboard."  Agreed.  And I've seen some walmart people at Woodsterman that would qualify.

Wierd and Wacky Elections!!

Dear people of Alaska, please do not be alarmed at my party switching.  Yeah, I was a Republican, then I was kinda Libertarian and now I'm kind of None-of-the-Above.  Isn't that what you really want?  Don't all the parties pretty much suck? I think so, too.  So write me in! 

Sorry, Murk.  See us here?  We're all turning to the right.  We're voting for Joe Miller.

Wait a sec!  Joe Miller is too far right.  That other guy is too far left.  I'm like Goldilocks, I'm jusssst right!  So vote for me!  Please!  Don't make me get a real job!  Besides, if I lose, I'll vote with the dems during the lame duck session.  You'll get cap-n-trade and cardcheck and LOTS more government spending if I lose.  I'm like one of those muslims that gets all pissy when you talk about moving the GZM - If I don't get my way, I'll go from reasonable to fully freaked out.  So, vote for me...  If you know what's good for you.

Please, Murk.  Just shut up and go away.  Go to work for a lobbyist firm or something.  Preferably far away.

Hello people of Florida!  Like my good friend Lisa Dumkowski, I strike the perfect balance of left and right. 

Aw geez.  We thought you finally went away.  Do we really have to deal with you, too?

Well, kinda.  Marco Rubio is beating the holy crap out of me in the polls.  But I'm a good guy.  So, please.  Don't make me beg for your vote.  I will beg if necessary.  But I'd really rather it didn't come to that.

Hey, don't forget about me!  I'm Mike Castle!  I'm from Delaware!  I know that Oregon has 11 counties that are bigger than my whole state, but that doesn't mean I'm insignificant.  I'm waiting for the polling numbers to come in to see if my potential write-in campaign has enough gas to burn that witch O'Donnell.  If it looks like I can do real damage, then count me in! 

You all are just a bunch o' crackahs.  I'm sick of all you white (and orange, sorry Charlie) folk beechin' about your votes not going the way you want them.  Don't look at me to do anything about it.  If you were black, maybe we'd have a little something to talk about.  But you aren't, so shut up.  K?

Jury Duty? (This is stuff you should know!)

I've received my first-ever summons to appear as a juror!  I have no idea yet whether it is for a criminal or civil matter, or whether it is a minor case or a Big Deal^TM.  I don't plan on trying to weasel out.  I think this is something to be taken seriously.  But in case the case seems totally bogus and annoying, I'll let you in on my two ways of possibly being removed from the jury pool.

1.  FIJA.  This stands for the Fully Informed Jury Association.  It is a group that wants people to know about Jury Nullification. I forget which SC Justice (may have even been way back to John Jay) said (paraphrased) "The jury sits in judgment of the case at hand AND THE LAW that is alleged to have been violated."  As an example, imagine your jurisdiction has passed a law making it illegal to chew bubblegum in public.  Say a person was caught in the act of doing so: multiple eyewitnesses, surveillance footage, maybe the cops even rolled up while that person was in the middle of blowing a bubble.  This person is clearly in violation of the law and would seem to merit a verdict of guilty, but the jury can say "STUPID LAW!  NOT GUILTY!" 

The judicial systems frowns on jurors putting this power to use.  They like to manage and cajole the jury into the decisions the system wants.  Just admitting that one is aware of FIJA/Jury Nullification will probably get you excused from the jury pool.  If they ask, I plan to play dumb about it.  Jury Nullification is a crucial check on government power.  Not that I'd have any qualms about throwing down a "GUILTY!!" on somebody who deserves it.  It's just that I completely believe that a jury that really knows what's going on will do the best job of meting out true justice.

2.  If I want out and they're not bothered by me standing on the chair yelling "JURY NULLIFICATION!  Neener-Neener!" Then I will have to fall back on plan B...

sweaty pitstains cropped for your viewing enjoyment

I've had this shirt for about 20 years and it is a little small nowadays.  But I'd wear it as an undershirt and then say "Dang, is it ever hot in here!" and then strip-tease my way down to this old black T-shirt.  Then ask the DA "Hey, once we find this @#$& guilty, can I be the one to flick the switch?  Can I, can I???"  That ought to get me excused rather promptly.  And before one of you nitpickers gives me grief about Oregon using lethal injection rather than the chair, feel free to zip it.  When trying to get excused from jury duty, being a little screwy and out-of-touch is an asset.

I was summoned once to testify in a criminal case.  Back in '87, freshman year of college, some friends and I here hanging out in my dorm room.  From our 4th floor window, we could see a guy below us slashing bike tires.  He was methodically moving along the bike rack slashing each tire!  We called Campus Security and they arrested him.  The guy ended up getting a jury trial and his defense attorney was a real butthair.  He was asking me all these stupid non-sequitor questions and it was pissing me off.  I'd answer "Yes, but.." or "no, but..." and give some additional information to give the jury the fullest picture of what I'd seen.  But that's not what Attorney J. Vernon Pantybunch, esq wanted.   He eventually asked the judge if he could treat me as a hostile witness, which was granted.  He stared at me hard and said "OK, a simple yes or no question..." I don't even remember what the question was, but I answered "yeaaaaaaaah."  At which point he rolled his eyes and said "let the record show that the witness responded in the affirmative..."  That went on for a while before he gave up and called a different witness.  The perp ended up getting off.  The jury said he had "no motive."  Well, come to find out, he was facing expulsion for whacking an RA with a pool cue, but that wasn't allow to be entered as evidence...

I actually hope I am selected.  I've been on one side of the jury box and I kinda think it'd be cool to be on the other.  And if you turn on Fox News and they're talking about some juror in Oregon running around half-clothed and spouting FIJA slogans, well, you'll know it was a boring case...

There is no post here

I don't have a post for you.  Just felt like a good time to recycle this old RINO pic from last October...  Feel free to swipe it and make it your own and add a cool caption and scare some limp-wrister Establishment types.

I'm always one step slow

Dang it!  They've already pulled this shirt off the shelves before I even had a chance to buy one!

Originally noticed at Orbusmax

The question to everyone's answer

Question:  Why are my scars getting itchy lately?  Especially the one on my right shoulderblade and the one in my eyebrow where I had to get stitches after a mountain bike wipeout?  Am I going to die?

My Answer: Of course I am going to die.  I am not immortal.  At least not anymore.  I was for a while but then that whole Twilight thing happened.  It was all so ghey I felt compelled to renounce my vampirism and just go ahead and get old, as if I were just another normal person.  Didn't know that getting old would be so itchy, though.

Your Answer: ???
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Question:  Are the new Blogger Stats totally worthless?  The new Stats feature says this doggie post from back in June is getting about 6x as many views as anything else on my site.  Sitemeter shows no such activity.

My Answer:  Normally I'd come right out and say that Blogger Stats sucks.  But...  Has anyone ever given you that not-so-veiled threat "I know where you live"??  Well, Google really does know where I live.  And they know what I like to eat.  And what sites I visit.  And what scent of pitstick I prefer.  And, and, and...  So, um, nevermind...  Each and every one of Google's wonderful array of free services are Exquisitely McAwesome and worthy of highest praise.

Your Answer: ???
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Question:  I can't think of another question

My Answer:  I still can't get over how lame that new democrat logo is.  The crappyness of it consuming the entirety of my thoughtlife.  So much so that I can't even think of a third question.

Your Answer: ???

UPDATE:  Paul the Mean ol' Meany has some insights on the new demologo, too.   When viewing, use your imagination.  But don't use it TOO much.

This is horrid

Maybe you heard yesterday that Tim Kaine, head of the DNC had a "BIG ANNOUNCEMENT THAT'S SURE TO ENERGIZE DEMOCRATS!!" that he'd let us all in on the next day.  Oooh, the suspense!!  Well, yesterday's tomorrow is today, so here's the Big Announcement...  Yeah...  A new logo...  A crappy one, at that.  Silly me, I thought ol' Timbo had a real September surprise to pull out of his posterior - something that may have electoral consequences.  Bzzzzt!  Wrong answer, Sparky!

Seriously.  Yikes.  As a signs & engraving guy, I work with logos every single day.  There is a lot of psychology that goes into an effective logo.  Most people don't realize it, so I'll walk ya through my thoughts...

This logo is pure, concentrated fail.  To start with, I don't like the pastel blue.  It is gimpy.  But worse than that, it neither matches nor contrasts much with the other shade of blue.  To a realtor it's always "location, location, location" but to a sign guy it's always "contrast, contrast, contrast."  Then we have the circle.  Bad, bad, bad.  If you want to talk about "change" then don't BUILD A FREAKIN' FENCE around your identity.  This is the opposite of "outside the box."  Closed borders around an image sometimes work - like for a security company or an investment advisor.  A closed border implies rigidity and constraints and risk aversion.  Not change. 

The blue "democrats" copy is, well, meh.  It isn't horrid but again, the shade of blue is too pale.  This is the kind of color one would use for packaging something like baby wipes or denture adhesive.  Non-threatening.  It is not the color that says "change."  I don't immediately recognize the typestyle.  The splayed M and the low crossbar on the A give me a tiny bit of an Art Deco vibe even though it isn't really Art Deco.  Hmmm.  I'm not really into slabserif typefaces, but for some reason I don't mind this one too much.  Except that it conveys a sense of "old" to me. 

Then at the bottom is the little red blurb in the Gotham typeface used during barry's campaign.  Gotham was used on stuff like gas station signs during the Route 66 era.  Again, to me it says more "nostalgia" than "change."  Gotham wasn't widely used lately until barry's campaign started using it and now it is EVERYWHERE.  To me it says "follower" a lot more than "leader" when I see Gotham being used.  Ugh.

I have to hope that this logo was made by a conservative artist who was intentionally trying to destroy the democrat brand.  Nothing else makes sense...

Barry desperate mid-term strategy

Cabinet meeting at the White House.  Various Secretaries, Directors, Czars and other felonious types are seated around a U-shaped table.  pResident Obama strides regally into their presence and takes his seat.

[Rahm E.] "This meeting of the Cabinet of the Exalted Won is hereby in session" [sounds the bugle call of "Charge!" on his kazoo and takes a seat]

Obama makes super-secret Globalist Statist Club hand salute, Cabinet members salute back and take their seats.

[Obama]"Now that the formalities are out of the way" [expression changes from regal to angry] what the bloody hell is going on around here?  Me 'n Joe got the economy rolling along with Recovery Summer and then we take a few vacations.  Next thing ya know, I'm in some $2000/night hotel room trying to find Spongebob on the cable TV, and I stumble on some newsie types talking about how the rethuglicans are gonna stomp us in November.  I thought it was a fluke, so I looked around.  Every channel!  Every (*#%(&& channel was talking about how the rethugs are looking to win an electoral landslide!  I am The One!  How can this be?  What. Have. You. Done!?!"

[Rahm, nervously] "Sire, it isn't us!  I beg thee, hear me out - it is not our fault!  It is the stupid electorate!  They don't recognize the benevolence of our benevolent authoritarian rulership over them.  They have turned against us.  All of us.  Even......you, sire!"

[Obama, banging fist on table] "Surely this is a lie!  Someone, anyone, please tell me the truth!"

[Rahm] "Sorry, Sire!  I speak only truth!  Even the peddlers of historic Commemorative Obama dishware are reporting sales are down.  Well, except for that one dude on eBay that is marketing them as 'Commemorative Obama-themed Sporting Clays Targets' - that guy is still moving a lot of product.  Even Pookie, my dog, is refusing to eat his ObamaChunks.  So I rammed them down his throat like they were a healthcare bill.  Pookie promptly shat on my futon shortly thereafter!  It is horrible, sire!"

[Obama] "OK.  I believe you.  Now, what are we going to do about it.  What is our strategy?"

[Axelrod] "Bams, we're attacking John Boehner."

[Obama] "Who???"

[Axelrod] "You know, Congressman Boehner."

[Obama] "Congressman?  There are hundreds of those dummies.  I can't keep track of them all."

[Axelrod] "Boehner is the idiot with uncommonly dark skin who smokes a lot."

[Obama, clearing throat noisily] "AHEM!"

[Axelrod] "Bams, he wants to be Speaker of the House again.  So we're running ads of Pelosi with the gavel, asking 'do you really want this Boehner guy to take Nancy's gavel? If not, vote Democrat!'  The focus groups like it.  I think we're gonna be OK."

[Obama] "Pelosi?  That hag couldn't lead flies to a turd.  Even with a huge majority she barely got BarryCare passed.  Is that all you got?"

[Axelrod, sheepishly] "Um... yeah."

[Obama, curled in fetal position] "You all have failed me!  Game over, man!  If I weren't such a wimp I'd personally slap each and every one of you! Wahhhahaaah!"

Press Conference.

I had ideas for funny things to post later today, but after just a few seconds of listening. to. that. idiot. I've suffered irreversible brain damage and forgotten everything I'd had in mind. Sorry 'bout that.

Stupid People: An Economic Stimulus

Many of us, I expect, are familiar with the Broken Window Fallacy.  Today, I present you with a corollary called the "Dented Sign Axiom." 

First, some background...  Towards the end of summer every year, a certain university I attended and am a fan of (but shall remain nameless to protect the identities of idiots) comes to us for end zone signs.  Over the last dozen or so years, this university has gone from football laughingstock to perennial bowl-goer.  When I was a student there and the football team stunk, advertisers would refuse to have their image seen anywhere in, on, or around the football stadium.  Now that we're a decent team, advertisers want their image all over the stadium.  People come to us with crazy ideas like "see that little blank spot way up on the wall?  Can you fit another sign in there?"  Some of the most desirable locations are in the end zones, where the TV cameras often linger after a score.

Most years, there a four or five, maybe six companies that either buy end zone space or want to change the look of their existing end zone signs.  This year, everybody's tightening their belt.  We sold exactly ZERO end zone signs this year.  That's about $10k we're not going to see.  Ouch...  But wait!  There are stupid people galloping onto the scene to make my rescue!  Woohoo!

The university Lacrosse team was practicing down on the football field the other day.  One of those bright young fellows noticed that those fancy end zone signs, made of DiBond, have interesting properties when struck with a lacrosse ball.  The ball bounces back!  Golly!  So all of a sudden the lacrosse team is down there zinging those hard rubber lacrosse balls against the end zone signs and catching the rebounds with their little stickbaskets.  What they didn't notice (or didn't care about) was that each strike from the lacrosse ball was leaving a VERY OBVIOUS crater-like dent in the sign.  In short order, all the end zone signs were dimpled like the surface of a golf ball.  The advertisers were, oh, shall we say a little bit FREAKIN' P.O.'d!  Some of the dents hammer out like a ding in a fender, but some are beyond repair.  Which means suddenly we have a WHOLE BUNCH of sign work to complete before the first home game in a couple weeks.  Woooo!

The Broken Window Fallacy shows that there is no economic benefit to going around breaking windows.  But the Dented Sign Axiom proves that dented signs are very beneficial to people in the sign & engraving biz.  Plus, it's a state school so I'm sure there's a taxpayer getting screwed here somewhere.  Yay for redistribuitionism!

Lay down! Stay! Good dog!

As most are now aware, President Obama gave a speech in Wisconsin where he moaned about people talking about him like a dog.  The root of the problem is that Obama and others in gov't have a serious inversion regarding the master/servant relationship.  "...by the People, FOR the People..."  Maybe that sounds vaguely familiar to these elites - something once chattered by a teacher - but it is certainly not the prevailing mindset among those in government.

See, when everything is whittled down to the basics, each individual is responsible for EVERYTHING that goes on in that person's life.  Governments are instituted among men to preserve our rights.  Governments are also given authority, delegated by the people, to do certain things.

A real-life example of this is public schools.  The people are responsible for education their kids.  Period.  Some  people may choose to meet that obligation through homeschooling.  But the people can also accomplish this by telling their b*tch servant, the government, "It makes more economic sense to put more of us in the workforce rather than individually educating our kids.  Therefore, we have collected finances through voluntary taxation.  Use these resources to educate our kids."  The government is the servant who does the bidding of the people.

Each individual is responsible for his own security.  But we delegate much of that authority to various law enforcement agencies.  We ASSIGN many tasks to our servant.  I could generate a long list of them.  But the point is, government is the servant of the people.  The people are the Master. 

That a government official bristles at being compared to a dog completes my point.  Government is SUPPOSED to be the servant who does the bidding of the Master.  Government is SUPPOSED to be talked down to; given COMMANDS from the people.  When that relationship gets skewed and the servant usurps the place of the Master, conflict becomes inevitable.

I love my dogs.  To an almost irrational level.  I'd probably take a bullet for my dogs.  But I remain the Master.  If Chance or Sunshine is sitting on the couch where I want to sit, they darned well better move when I tell them.  It is good that they bark when somebody approached the front door.  But they darned well better shut up when I tell them to.  I will bring correction if they fail. 

Mr. Obama, I'd really like to be able to love you like I love my dogs.  I'd love it if you listened to me the way they do.  I'd love it if you responded to correction.  I'd love it if you recognized that while you may be "Head Dog", you remain a servant - chosen by the people.  We could have a great relationship, like I have with my dogs.  I really, genuinely, would like that.  But I will not give up my position as Master.

Happy Red Commie Union Thug Day!

Yo yo, my proletariat homies!  Whazzup? 

Enjoy your workers' holiday, and during your outdoor revelries, be careful to observe careful BBQ procedures.  We don't want any burned burgers or singed wieners on this greatest of days!

Slow News Friday News Roundup

A visibly stressed Obama was ushered today to Marine 1 for a short flight for yet another vacation, this time at Camp David.  An anonymous White House staffer confided "He's under more strain than Michelle's girdle.  Dunno which of those two will unravel first, but either way it ain't gonna be pretty."

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Hurricane Earl was scheduled to visit the mid-Atlantic near Camp David but like many other democrats, Earl has instead chosen to avoid being seen anywhere near Obama this close to the November elections. "I'm heading up towards Martha's Vineyard, Nantucket," said Earl, "you know, up there where that other blowhard just finished a vacation.  It should be safe up there for a while."

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The Pockystahn Minister of Industry wants barry to come out and declare himself Caliph, Leader of All Muslims.  When reached for comment, an impatient barry snapped "Can't I just finish my waffle falafel?"

Ready for some football?

Please forgive the momentary departure from blogging about Obama being a boogerhead.  Lord willin' and the seas don't rise, there'll be plenty of time for that...

But I'm gettin' itchy for a kickoff.  There's just something special about football.  Whatever that special "something" is, it is even evident in pop culture.  Now I'm not much of a moviegoer (twice in the last 15 years or so) and not much of a TV watcher, but I've managed to see a lot of good football movies.  What about other sports?  I like baseball (especially when my Giants are still relevant in September) but I can't think of one good dramatic baseball movie.  Baseball seems to better lend itself to Major League and Bull Durham fun movies rather than drama.  Basketball?  There's Hoosiers.  Can't think of any others.  Well, there was that awful Robby Benson thing back in the '70s, too.  Hockey?  Please don't even start with the Mighty Ducks.  Soccer?  The Stallone/Pele flick Victory was pretty decent.  When the crowd starts chanting Dies Irae it gives me a little chill.  But really, would it have been half as cool if they were playing the Paraguayan National Team?  Nah, it's cool 'cuz they're beating Nazis. 

That brings us to football...

I can't think of one single serious football movie that sucked.  Some of the comedies (Adam Sandler, I'm looking at you) haven't done anything for me.  But the serious football flicks all seem to be really good.  I don't want to spread it on too thick, but there's a certain nobility about football.  That nobility lends itself to good cinema.  Think about it for a sec...

• Invincible
• Remember the Titans
• Gridiron Gang
• Blindside
• Facing the Giants
• We Are Marshall

Note that most of these are true stories.  Football doesn't need a lot of embellishment to be compelling.  I could add quite a few more to the list.  Heck, even Rudy was alright, and that was about Notre Dame. (spit) There were even some really sad ones from the '70s, whose titles escape me right now.  One of them was something like "The Brian [somebody] Song".  I think you get what I'm saying.   Football lends itself to drama in ways other sports don't. 

Consider this a general-purpose football/football movie thread.  Have at it.  And, oh yeah, one more thing:

GO BEAVS!!

Reader Personality Profile

Question 1:
When putting on your shoes, do you:

1. Put on one shoe, then the other, and then tie the laces?
2. Put on one shoe, tie its laces, then repeat for the other foot?
3. Not Applicable.  I'm gay so I only wear loafers.
4. Other.  Specify _____________

Question 2:
If you answered "1" above, do you tie the laces on shoe....

**BREAKING**   **THIS LAME POST INTERRUPTED BY AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM OUR HIGHLY ESTEEMED pRESIDENT**

"My fellow Americans, I am pleased to report that the ecoterrorist holding hostages at the Discovery Channel does not appear to have any ties to Islam.  Whew! Finally!  Let me be clear, not all terrorists are muslims.  We are all equally capable of freaking out and attacking random people for various reasons, and adherents to the Religion of Peace are no more prone to it than any other group in our society.  So just shut up about my administration's handling of the Gitmo trials, the Ground Zero Mosque, the Ft. Hood shooter, etc, etc.  Any one of us could snap under all the pressure we're feeling after 8 years of failed Bush policies.  So quit being so hard on muslims and get back to trying to find a job, and I'll see you at the golf course.  Tootles!"