Trial of the Century

Matt gave me an idea yesterday.  So yeah, basically, I play requests...
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[Rusty the Bailiff] "All rise.  The People's Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Wapner presiding."

[Judge Wapner, entering courtroom] "Be seated.  Bring in the defendant."

Rusty brings in a cuffed and shackled Nancy Pelosi.

[Wapner] "You are charged with two counts of being a horrible human being.  For the record, we first need to confirm that you are a human being.  Counsel?"

[Defense Counselor] "Your Honor, Pelosi is so old that they didn't issue birth certificates back then.  All we have is a broken pottery shard with some ancient cuneiform runes on it.  The runes appear to announce her birth."

[Pelosi] "Hey, at least I have a birth certificate!"

[Wapner] "Good enough.  Before we begin, does the defendant have anything to say?"

[Pelosi] "Well, I really like the sound of People's Court.  It has such a collective, almost communist ring to it.  Like some quaint little Asian dictatorship.  I'm sure I'll get a very fair trial here.  And I love your gavel.  I have one, too, except mine is WAY bigger."

[Wapner] "We're not here to have a gavel measuring contest."

[Pelosi] "By the way, you know the House of Representatives controls the government purse.  I could write a bill that pays you a LOT of money."

[Wapner] "Not interested."

[Pelosi] "Aw, c'mon.  Go ahead and throw out a number.  A crazy number.  We're used to spending huge amounts - nothing you can say will shock me."

[Wapner] "How about 25 to life?"

[Pelosi] "You don't seem to understand..."

[Wapner] "Bailiff!"

Rusty performs a quickdraw and shoots Nancy in the throat with a frozen paintball.

[Pelosi] " *koff* *koff* " [wheezing] "I can barely talk, and I think I taste blood!"

[Jury] "So do we!  Bwaaahaaahaaa!"

[Wapner] "The first count is blatant disregard for the citizens' will with regard to spending and passing unpopular bills."

[Defense] "Your Honor, Madame Speaker dutifully represents the constituents in her home district.  Her decisions are very popular there."

[Pelosi] "It's true.  Have you ever been to San Francisco?  It's charming.  In one short cablecar ride, one can see homeless people shooting drugs and illegal aliens collecting welfare and hairy guys in assless chaps spanking each other with small dead animals.  In a one-day trip, one can acquire an encyclopedic knowledge of every form of deviant behavior.  Oh, how I love it!"

[Wapner] "The second count is a charge of being too ugly to be allowed in public"

[Pelosi] "Your Honor, for a woman of my advanced age, I think I look pretty darned hot!"

[Prosecutor] "Your Honor, when Madame Speaker holds a fundraising event, she uses the slack skin on her tummy as a giant collection basket.  Little kids ride in it like a hammock!"

[Wapner pukes]

[Wapner, wiping mouth] "I think we've heard enough.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you are excused to the deliberation chamber."

[Jury Foreman] "Your Honor, that won't be necessary.  GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! Guilty on all counts!"