Monday, March 29, 2010

Splash of the Titans, Part Deux

Zeussein peers over the handrail,  looking down towards Flyover Country far below.  From so high above in his lofty citadel, it is difficult to see what goes on.

[Zeussein] "My eyes are all kind of squinty from, well, you know.  I can see that the mortals are up to something down there, but I can't really tell what it is."

[Napolitanus] "Sire, not to worry.  We have eyes everywhere.  My snitches will provide us with all the info we'll need.  I'll report back soon with my findings."

[Zeussein] "Excellent."


The assembly of mortals is growing in number.   They are enthused but without direction.  Bartholomew the Bright, CassioPalin, Glennbeckius and others emerge as natural leaders of the group and begin to focus the group's energy.  The plan is to restore the full power of the ancient scroll, to check the excesses of the Olympians.  But the don't yet know the best way to accomplish this daunting task.

[Bartholomew the Bright] "I think we should cross the Styx.  Charge right into enemy territory and kick some butt."

[David Brooksius] "No.  That would be doom.  MSNBCerberus, that fearsome three-headed attack dog from hell - whose very spittle is deadly toxic - would surely devour  you.  Plus, the whole thing sounds kind of racist and extreme.  In a really vague way.  Don't ask me to explain.  It just is.  Trust me on this, don't do it.  Be a moderate and be patient.  You'll get used to the rule of the Olympians and everything will be fine."

[CassioPalin] "I'm with Bart on this one.  Let's do it."

The assembly travels for quite some distance. As they approach the riverbank, a hooded figure beckons them to board his raft.

[John McCharon] "My friends, I am McCharon, boatman of the Styx.  I ferry immigrants on this boat so they don't have to get their backs wet.  I am also comfortable crossing the aisle river to work with those on the other side.  "

[Bart] "We're not going there to push for some bipartisan legislation.  We're going there to beat their asses into a fine powder."

[McCharon] "I'll take you across, but I don't approve of this divisive rhetoric."

[Bart] "Shut up and start rowing."

At the other side, MSNBCerberus fiercely stands guard.

[MSNBCerberus] "Yip!  Yip!  Grr!  Yip!"

[Bart] "You are the big scary attack dog?  Heh."  [Unceremoniously punts the devildog, which limps away yelping]

Before they can recover from the faceoff with the three-headed dog, a giant scorpion lunges to attack. It  surprises Glennbeckius and knocks him completely off-balance. 

[Giant scorpion, with stinger poised menacingly] "You will feel my stinger!  But first, would your prefer a sensuous massa-ge or some playful tickling?"

[Glennbeckius, lopping off the stinger with his sword] "Your Warhollian 15 minutes are up.  I cast thee into anonymity."

The wounded scorpion skitters off to parts unknown, and the mortals from Flyover Land continue their quest.

[Napolitanus] "Lord Zeussein, the mortals are getting restless.  Some seek to restore the full power of the ancient scroll.    They have already crossed the Styx and are marching on Olympus, DC."

[Zeussein] "Egads!  They must be stopped!  Reeee-lease the Krackhead!"


  1. Thanks for making my day a whole lot better with this post!!!

  2. OMG this is getting really good. Ranks up there with the Fellowship of the Ring spoofish thing you did. Awesome job!

  3. WOW, you can really weave a tail. When you're on a roll, you're the best !

  4. Guys, I appreciate it. But you're making my head swell and my pencilneck ain't strong enough to support it!

  5. Hopefully MSNBCerberus will die of very very very low ratings.

  6. The Flyoverians must be warned -- The Matthewsish Tingle Machine is still engaged!

    Good stuff.

  7. brilliant! i'm just now getting to read these. oh and just so you're head doesn't swell're still a big dummyhead.

    funny i just ordered homer's odyssey today then come here for an appetizer.

  8. This brightened an otherwise crappy day. Thanks!

  9. ready to click on the next post with bated breath...or, bad breath..


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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