SENT: April 19, 2012 (secure smtp port110 mailerdaemon)
SUBJECT: GET ME THE ARF OUTTA HERE!
OK. heerz the deel. I barely know portugeez but it is hard what with that ç letter they uze all the time and the leading r that soundz like h so "rusty" sounds like "hoosty" and my engrish is bad two. So please be understandful. Also I am hiding in closet. It is dark in heer and it is reely hard to use trackpad on this stupid MacBook Pro when one has hairy paws.
I dont dare to try uze desktop PC even tho mouse is eazier than trackpad for dog. Because iff they find me I am toast. Or maybe I will end up on toast. So I hide in closet to send the pleading mail to you. Barry said once he come out of closet he no go back in so I think safe here. For now.
I may be not smart enuff for MENSA. But I could do more better than that Gytner dork at Treasury. I can add to and to and no that it equals for. Barry say things like "this arugula is very good" and then he say "Bo, you are very good dog." Barry say "Bobo, I love the way you wagyu tail" and then say "I love wagyu beef." I can take a hint. I know I soon end up BBQ. I knead your helps.
To make me escape, I will need from you:
1. 2 k's of cocaine and some colombian hookers to distract secret service. If colombian no available, Kardashian acceptable substitute.
2. Plane ticket to someplace that no eat dogs. Rooftop car carrier will work but prefer to fly.
3. Green Card and cash to bribe that rotten illegal bastard Jaime the guatemalan who tend the white house garden. He always yell at me for pooping in roses. He will rat me out unless bribed.
4. Fake ID to create new identity. Available in tag form at most pet stores or engraving companies.
Please to hurry with this before next State Dinner if you know what I mean!!!1!