Obama and Axelrod in White House media room watching the news.
[Axelrod] " Bams, I am soooo loving this coverage of Pelosi! The republicans are going after her with everything they have. Rightfully so. She's looking pathetic out there, changing her story all the time. Even in the same interview. It reminds me of when Hill choked on the driver's license question back in the debates. That's when you really started to pick up electoral momentum."
[Obama] "Yeah, Ax. I feel like I could get away with just about anything right now. The righties are so worked up about Nan that they wouldn't even notice if I nationalized another industry."
[Axelrod] "True. But still, there's nothing funnier than watching chicks squirm and flip-flop when asked tough questions. That's why there'll never be a chick president."
[Michelle O, in the other room, violently clangs two frying pans together] "I heard that, David!"
[Axelrod, cringing. Apologetic tone, stuttering in fear] "I meant 'n-n-nothing is funnier than watching white chicks squirm when questioned. Yeah, that's it. And that there'll never b-b-be a white chick running the White House.' Seriously. I, I, I'm talking about P-P-Palin. She'd never be able to handle even half the harsh scrutiny the media puts you and your gorgeous arms through!"
[Michelle O] "More like it. Now you're talking sense."
[Obama, quietly] "Nice recovery, Ax. I thought you were a dead man!" [Normal voice] "Heh. Now Boehner's on. He just told Nancy to produce evidence that the CIA lied, or to shut up! This is awesome!"
[Axelrod] "How's she going to spin it now? She's already flip-flopping like some spun-out tweeker getting tazed in the groin!"
[Obama] "K, Ax. While Nan is drawing all the fire, we need to move. Never waste a crisis! Ideas?"
[Axelrod] "You're right. You could burn down an orphanage full of blind kids, and nobody'd notice 'cuz they're all freaked out by having to see Pelosi on TV so much lately. Let's take advantage. There's a voting bloc we haven't done much for yet, and we need to keep them on our side. You should use this period of distraction to arbitrarily jack up the CAFE standards to outrageous levels. That'll make the greens happy for a while."
[Obama] "Darn right! It's just about impossible to get a decent cup of coffee in this stupid town. And everything has WAY too much trans-fat. I'm going to set sky-high CAFE standards on every café in the land!" [Stands up, does brief butter-churn cool-guy dance] "Uh huh, uh huh!"
[Axelrod, rolling eyes] "Great idea, 'Bams! Tax the crud out of any diner that has crummy coffee. But I also think you should jack up the Corporate Average Fleet Efficiency standards."
[Obama, pausing with arms in mid-churn] "Ummmm. Okay. This is where you tell me what the heck you're talking about."
[Axelrod] "Short version: You tell the automakers that all their cars have to get 50% better mileage while putting out 15% less pollution. Even trucks and SUVs. The envirodorks will love you. The oil companies will be mad. Win-win."
[Obama, wringing hands greedily] "Yessssss!" [Paces back-and-forth with evil grin] [Hesitates] "But Americans hate those nerdy little cars. Who will buy them?"
[Axelrod] "Who cares? Imagine: Next time you want to go to the lake there are no rednecks racing around on jetskis! None of the tiny gutless SUVs we're gonna sell will be able to tow a jetski, so there'll be no crowds at the lake!"
[Obama] "Ooooohhh... I like it. But if nobody buys these dumb little cars, what will happen to the automakers?"
[Axelrod] "That's the glory of big labor! The union guys get paid whether they make big cars, little cars, or no cars at all! The UAW will really love you now, since you'll be dramatically reducing their workload! And if everybody's running around getting 50mpg in these little putt-putts, how's that 'Drill, baby, Drill!' gonna sound next time Palin opens her yap? I'm tellin' ya, she'll be toast! Obama 2012!"
[Obama, gazing towards the horizon] "Rahm! Summon the Press Corps! I have a big announcement to make! And tell Panetta to keep Pelosi on the hot seat for a while longer!"
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Struggles of a part-time blogger
It seems I've injured my funny bone. I've been unable to come up with much lately. Over the weekend I started a barry good story about Biden revealing classified information. But it really really stunk so I never posted it. Then I had some thoughts brewing in my head about the White House Press Corps banquet, but Jim Treacher beat me to it. After that I kind of hit a brick wall. I need some ideas.
The Wanda Sykes thing might have some possibilities. So might Obama's speech to Notre Dame. Of course Pelosi's lies and delusions are still making the news, so that's worth considering. But I'm looking for suggestions here. Doesn't have to be any of these things I've mentioned - get creative. I just need a little kernel of an idea to start building on, 'cuz I'm not getting very far on my own lately. Head to the comments and help a guy out.
___________________________________
UPDATE:
Well, this post has been up for nearly 24 hours. So far a whole lotta' nuttin' from my readers. So, I see how it is - no help whatsoever. It's all on me. Fine. I'm a Rugged Individualist. I can handle it. I'll get by, 'cuz that's what I do. Maybe I'll even come up with something good to post for you all. But I'll remember this next time you want to borrow five bucks or a healthy, functioning kidney. Believe me on that one!
The Wanda Sykes thing might have some possibilities. So might Obama's speech to Notre Dame. Of course Pelosi's lies and delusions are still making the news, so that's worth considering. But I'm looking for suggestions here. Doesn't have to be any of these things I've mentioned - get creative. I just need a little kernel of an idea to start building on, 'cuz I'm not getting very far on my own lately. Head to the comments and help a guy out.
___________________________________
UPDATE:Well, this post has been up for nearly 24 hours. So far a whole lotta' nuttin' from my readers. So, I see how it is - no help whatsoever. It's all on me. Fine. I'm a Rugged Individualist. I can handle it. I'll get by, 'cuz that's what I do. Maybe I'll even come up with something good to post for you all. But I'll remember this next time you want to borrow five bucks or a healthy, functioning kidney. Believe me on that one!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I'm Special!!!
Today Lars Larson read another one of my emails on the air today. He declared it "email of the day" and gave me a free month of Premium Membership.
Yeah, that's right. I'm now practically a celebrity. And you're reading the blog of somebody who's practically a celebrity. That makes you a celebrity twice-removed. See? Just hanging out here makes you cooler.
The context of my email was a caller named Melinda who was complaining about the difficulties of being poor and having to live in a car. Lars had a pretty long conversation with her that included lines like this: "Do you have a job?" "No." "When was the last time you applied for a job" "About 9 months ago" "What are you doing now?" "Going back to school on a federal grant." "What are you studying?" "Basic stuff." "What kind of job do you want when you finish?" "Not sure."
You could tell that she was seriously lacking in motivation. Lars quipped on-air "Federal grant... Aren't you glad your taxes are going to such good use?"
So I wrote in:
Now I gotta go figure out how to activate the Premium Membership...
Yeah, that's right. I'm now practically a celebrity. And you're reading the blog of somebody who's practically a celebrity. That makes you a celebrity twice-removed. See? Just hanging out here makes you cooler.
The context of my email was a caller named Melinda who was complaining about the difficulties of being poor and having to live in a car. Lars had a pretty long conversation with her that included lines like this: "Do you have a job?" "No." "When was the last time you applied for a job" "About 9 months ago" "What are you doing now?" "Going back to school on a federal grant." "What are you studying?" "Basic stuff." "What kind of job do you want when you finish?" "Not sure."
You could tell that she was seriously lacking in motivation. Lars quipped on-air "Federal grant... Aren't you glad your taxes are going to such good use?"
So I wrote in:
Subject: Melinda the no-job car dweller
Hey Lars,
You have it soooo backwards!!!! Our tax money going to Melinda's education has a stimulative effect on the economy. The college administrators, instructors and union staffers will use all of that money on important things like solar panels and Che banners for their next protest. Paying people not to work and to take classes they don't need has a huge multiplier effect, and may be the only thing keeping us from utter ruin!
Repent!
John in Corvallis
KLOO 1340am
Now I gotta go figure out how to activate the Premium Membership...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Barry big decision to make
[Senator Reid, on TV] "We'll be taking out summer recess soon. The odor of perspiring visitors touring the Capitol is already beginning to bother me. Usually this doesn't become a problem until the first week of June. How much evidence of global warming do we need before we act? How much BO do I have to smell before a bill gets passed?"
[Obama, hearing his initials from the TV speaker, looks up from his Che Guevara coloring book]
[Reid, continuing] "And when we get back from recess, we'll be working very hard on the budget. It might seem like it would be easy to spend all those trillions on whatever we want, but we need to have some long, hard discussions about how our spending will improve our electoral chances. That takes a lot of time. If Obama expects us to schedule hearings for his Supreme Court nomination, he better hurry up. There's no way we're coming to DC in the summer, and we mustn't be interrupted during the fall spending spree. It's pretty much now or wait 'til next year."
[Obama, into intercom] "Rahm, ya there?"
[Rahm E.] "Yes, sire"
[Obama] "We need to talk about our SCOTUS nominee. Assemble the troops. I want you, Axe, White House Counsel greggycraig, and Judiciary Committee Senators Leahy and Specter" [Goes back to coloring Che's beard]
---------------------
Later that day...
[Obama] "We need to move forward with naming a replacement for Souter. Senator Reid is kind of telling me to hurry up. Where are we at right now?"
[Rahm E.] "Oh, Sire! You'll be so pleased!"
[greggycraig] "Absolutely! M'lord, this will go down in history as the best judge ever! Well, at lease until you become Chief Justice someday!"
[Specter] "I am insulted that I haven't been involved in this selection process. I've been the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee for years."
[Obama] "Arlene, shut your flappin' lips. Nobody likes you. Your new colleagues voted unanimously to strip your seniority. The Republicans will NEVER take you back. You are a traitor. You are despised. You are less popular than chronic halitosis. We democrats do like traitors, but not enough to listen to them at times like this. So, zip! [zipper motion across mouth]
[Specter stands up, preparing to leave]
[Rahm E. gives him a firm push back into his seat] "Sit down, waldo! You're not going anywhere."
[greggycraig] "Sire, we've uncovered a magnificent nominee."
[Rahm E.] "Oh yes! Perfect!"
[greggycraig] "We suggest you nominate Mary Thornbugle."
[Obama] "Never heard of her."
[greggycraig] "Ms. Thornbugle is a M2F transgender lesbian, with Laotian, black and Aztec ancestry. (s)he is physically unattractive, frequently rude, and suffers from Bush Derangement Syndrome."
[Obama] "Positions on crucial issues?"
[Rahm E.] "(s)he believes fervently in global warming, the overpopulation crisis, and late-term abortion. (s)he calls his/herself a secular humanist but enjoys partaking in naked pagan fertility rituals every equinox. (s)he thinks fossil fuels are evil. (s)he believes Christianity should be abolished. (s)he hates guns and gunowners. (s)he thinks the Constitution is almost as obsolete as the Old Testament, and therefore worthy of being ignored. (s)he believes capitalism is
disgusting and national borders are abhorrent."
[Obama] "WOW! What's the downside? There's gotta be a 'gotcha' in there somewhere. Taxes?"
[greggycraig] "Nope. Ms. Thornbugle hasn't had taxable income since 1982. (s)he makes his/her living bartering her self-published collections of communist poetry for food, shelter and recreational drugs."
[Obama] "Legal troubles?"
[Rahm E.] "Nothing bad. (s)he got busted once for throwing rocks at cops during an environmentalist riot. (s)he was really upset that the bifurcated snotwarbler was being taken off the endangered species list."
[Obama] "Courtroom record?"
[greggycraig] "One time her neighbor's cat took a dump in her flowerbox, so (s)he sued her neighbor for $100 million on Judge Judy. (s)he won the case but Judge Judy lowered the amount to $20."
[Obama, wringing hands greedily] "Amazing! A winning record of 100%, even against a hyperconservative judge. You guys have found me a candidate that fully embodies every progressive precept of the modern democrat party!"
[Leahy] "I can't wait to vote for him. I mean her! It! Whatever!!!"
[Specter] "I know I'm a democrat, but I'm a centrist democrat. I'm not yet sure what to think of this nominee."
[Rahm E. slaps Specter hard across the face. The others giggle.] "Shut up, Waldo! You're not paid to think. You're paid to vote the way we tell you!"
[Obama, hearing his initials from the TV speaker, looks up from his Che Guevara coloring book]
[Reid, continuing] "And when we get back from recess, we'll be working very hard on the budget. It might seem like it would be easy to spend all those trillions on whatever we want, but we need to have some long, hard discussions about how our spending will improve our electoral chances. That takes a lot of time. If Obama expects us to schedule hearings for his Supreme Court nomination, he better hurry up. There's no way we're coming to DC in the summer, and we mustn't be interrupted during the fall spending spree. It's pretty much now or wait 'til next year."
[Obama, into intercom] "Rahm, ya there?"
[Rahm E.] "Yes, sire"
[Obama] "We need to talk about our SCOTUS nominee. Assemble the troops. I want you, Axe, White House Counsel greggycraig, and Judiciary Committee Senators Leahy and Specter" [Goes back to coloring Che's beard]
---------------------
Later that day...
[Obama] "We need to move forward with naming a replacement for Souter. Senator Reid is kind of telling me to hurry up. Where are we at right now?"
[Rahm E.] "Oh, Sire! You'll be so pleased!"
[greggycraig] "Absolutely! M'lord, this will go down in history as the best judge ever! Well, at lease until you become Chief Justice someday!"
[Specter] "I am insulted that I haven't been involved in this selection process. I've been the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee for years."
[Obama] "Arlene, shut your flappin' lips. Nobody likes you. Your new colleagues voted unanimously to strip your seniority. The Republicans will NEVER take you back. You are a traitor. You are despised. You are less popular than chronic halitosis. We democrats do like traitors, but not enough to listen to them at times like this. So, zip! [zipper motion across mouth]
[Specter stands up, preparing to leave]
[Rahm E. gives him a firm push back into his seat] "Sit down, waldo! You're not going anywhere."
[greggycraig] "Sire, we've uncovered a magnificent nominee."
[Rahm E.] "Oh yes! Perfect!"
[greggycraig] "We suggest you nominate Mary Thornbugle."
[Obama] "Never heard of her."
[greggycraig] "Ms. Thornbugle is a M2F transgender lesbian, with Laotian, black and Aztec ancestry. (s)he is physically unattractive, frequently rude, and suffers from Bush Derangement Syndrome."
[Obama] "Positions on crucial issues?"
[Rahm E.] "(s)he believes fervently in global warming, the overpopulation crisis, and late-term abortion. (s)he calls his/herself a secular humanist but enjoys partaking in naked pagan fertility rituals every equinox. (s)he thinks fossil fuels are evil. (s)he believes Christianity should be abolished. (s)he hates guns and gunowners. (s)he thinks the Constitution is almost as obsolete as the Old Testament, and therefore worthy of being ignored. (s)he believes capitalism is
disgusting and national borders are abhorrent."
[Obama] "WOW! What's the downside? There's gotta be a 'gotcha' in there somewhere. Taxes?"
[greggycraig] "Nope. Ms. Thornbugle hasn't had taxable income since 1982. (s)he makes his/her living bartering her self-published collections of communist poetry for food, shelter and recreational drugs."
[Obama] "Legal troubles?"
[Rahm E.] "Nothing bad. (s)he got busted once for throwing rocks at cops during an environmentalist riot. (s)he was really upset that the bifurcated snotwarbler was being taken off the endangered species list."
[Obama] "Courtroom record?"
[greggycraig] "One time her neighbor's cat took a dump in her flowerbox, so (s)he sued her neighbor for $100 million on Judge Judy. (s)he won the case but Judge Judy lowered the amount to $20."
[Obama, wringing hands greedily] "Amazing! A winning record of 100%, even against a hyperconservative judge. You guys have found me a candidate that fully embodies every progressive precept of the modern democrat party!"
[Leahy] "I can't wait to vote for him. I mean her! It! Whatever!!!"
[Specter] "I know I'm a democrat, but I'm a centrist democrat. I'm not yet sure what to think of this nominee."
[Rahm E. slaps Specter hard across the face. The others giggle.] "Shut up, Waldo! You're not paid to think. You're paid to vote the way we tell you!"
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Having ears, but not hearing...
Alright, it seems every blogger feels a need to chime in on the GOP's "Listening Tour." Short version of my chime-in: Truckload of crap. Semi hauling triples with flashing OVERSIZE LOAD signs kind of truckload of crap.
Longer version: The GOP is equating electoral defeat with philosophical defeat. Hence, they feel the need to remake the party. Ordinary Republicans also feel like remaking the party, but for totally different reasons. The base is SCREAMING "No More RINOs! Give us real conservative candidates!" And the party bigwigs look at each other and say "did you just hear something?" The empty suit next to him replies "Nah. Not a thing. Maybe we should go on a Listening Tour so we can hear what others think we should be, 'cuz we're not hearing a thing here in our posh offices."
OK. It's bad enough to dis the base by ignoring our cries. It's FAR WORSE to not even know what you stand for. To Steele and other GOP "leaders": If you need to go out on the road and ask people what to stand for, YOU ARE NOT A LEADER! This is exactly why people are disassociating from the GOP. Sticking your finger in the breeze is NOT leadership. Courageous stands and reliance on principles are signs of leadership. People FLOCK to a genuine leader. The Big Tent you want so bad will burst at the seams if you'll just man up and stick to the platform. But no, you want to know whether we should be more 'hip-hop.' You want to know how to be more 'cool.' This is wretchedly horridly immeasurably idiotic. The base is already telling you what to do to win. The base is already telling you what will generate big turn-out and big donations. The independents are already telling you why they left the party. But you don't care. You just want the vote of that unemployed tatted-up skateboard punk with so many body piercings he looks like he did a swan dive into a big box of fishing tackle. And along the way your message has become "I want to say what you want to hear, but I don't know what that is. Please tell me, so I can tell you what you want to hear. I'll be whatever you want me to be. I'm basically a vote-whore."
I hate you.
Do you want to know who I'll vote for? No? I'll tell you anyway. I'll vote for the one that says "Screw popularity! I absolutely refuse to focus-group my opinions before I announce them. Ya wanna know where I stand? Then just ask me and I'll tell you what I believe and why I believe it - right now, right to your face! I believe what I believe, PERIOD!" Even if I barely agreed with half of that person's agenda, I'd fight to the death for him. To the death.
Are you listening now, GOP?
Am I making any sense now, GOP?
¿Comprende, GOP?
So maybe you will hear some great ideas on this tour. Do you think we care? If you can't stick to the most basic principles of the party, what confidence are we supposed to have that you'll stick to any of this new stuff either? We know that to you all is negotiable, and whatever new platform you do come up with, you'll piss all over it next week if you think it'll make you a little more popular.
__________
Wow, I can't believe how mad I'm getting as I type this. Need to chill for a second... This post started off about nostalgia and invoking Reagan. I wanted to lay a little groundwork for my argument, but the groundwork seems to have taken over the whole post!
Longer version: The GOP is equating electoral defeat with philosophical defeat. Hence, they feel the need to remake the party. Ordinary Republicans also feel like remaking the party, but for totally different reasons. The base is SCREAMING "No More RINOs! Give us real conservative candidates!" And the party bigwigs look at each other and say "did you just hear something?" The empty suit next to him replies "Nah. Not a thing. Maybe we should go on a Listening Tour so we can hear what others think we should be, 'cuz we're not hearing a thing here in our posh offices."
OK. It's bad enough to dis the base by ignoring our cries. It's FAR WORSE to not even know what you stand for. To Steele and other GOP "leaders": If you need to go out on the road and ask people what to stand for, YOU ARE NOT A LEADER! This is exactly why people are disassociating from the GOP. Sticking your finger in the breeze is NOT leadership. Courageous stands and reliance on principles are signs of leadership. People FLOCK to a genuine leader. The Big Tent you want so bad will burst at the seams if you'll just man up and stick to the platform. But no, you want to know whether we should be more 'hip-hop.' You want to know how to be more 'cool.' This is wretchedly horridly immeasurably idiotic. The base is already telling you what to do to win. The base is already telling you what will generate big turn-out and big donations. The independents are already telling you why they left the party. But you don't care. You just want the vote of that unemployed tatted-up skateboard punk with so many body piercings he looks like he did a swan dive into a big box of fishing tackle. And along the way your message has become "I want to say what you want to hear, but I don't know what that is. Please tell me, so I can tell you what you want to hear. I'll be whatever you want me to be. I'm basically a vote-whore."
I hate you.
Do you want to know who I'll vote for? No? I'll tell you anyway. I'll vote for the one that says "Screw popularity! I absolutely refuse to focus-group my opinions before I announce them. Ya wanna know where I stand? Then just ask me and I'll tell you what I believe and why I believe it - right now, right to your face! I believe what I believe, PERIOD!" Even if I barely agreed with half of that person's agenda, I'd fight to the death for him. To the death.
Are you listening now, GOP?
Am I making any sense now, GOP?
¿Comprende, GOP?
So maybe you will hear some great ideas on this tour. Do you think we care? If you can't stick to the most basic principles of the party, what confidence are we supposed to have that you'll stick to any of this new stuff either? We know that to you all is negotiable, and whatever new platform you do come up with, you'll piss all over it next week if you think it'll make you a little more popular.
__________
Wow, I can't believe how mad I'm getting as I type this. Need to chill for a second... This post started off about nostalgia and invoking Reagan. I wanted to lay a little groundwork for my argument, but the groundwork seems to have taken over the whole post!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Barry big problems need solving, Part 2
[Casey] "We still need to address the the problems of the Mexican Pig Death, the open borders, the attacks on capitalism, and the attacks on our moral fabric...."
[ChuckN, holding finger in the air] "Shhhh." [Looks around] [Springs from seat, planting one foot on the table] [Does cartwheel spinning double roundhouse backfist chop in pike position (degree of difficulty 4.3) ] "Hi-yaa!" [Lands smoothly on feet in perfect butt-kicking posture]
[SarahP] "What the.."
[ChuckN] "Well, that's ONE Mexican Pig Death Virus that won't be bothering anybody ever again."
[FredT] "Are you trying to tell us that you just karate-chopped a virus in midair?"
[ChuckN] "Yes. Would you like to see it again?"
[Cheney] "Umm, maybe later."
[ChuckN] "I don't like your tone. Be reminded that I routinely beat crap out of terrorists half my age."
[Cheney] "Now I know I'm no spring chicken, either. So maybe I'm not the one to talk, but people even half your age are considering AARP membership. I dunno if I'd crow too loudly about all that."
[Casey] "Remember! The Soros is trying to turn us against each other!"
[ChuckN] "Sorry."
[FredT] "American immune systems seem to be stronger than others. If we could just stop the inflow of infected illegals, and get people to take a 3-day weekend, I think this whole Mexican Pig Death would burn itself out in short order."
[ChuckN] "I'll handle the border. I played a Texas Ranger. I know what to do."
[Cheney] "Oh geez."
[ChuckN pulls bottle of Geritol from coat pocket and downs several tablets]
[SarahP offers Chuck a sip of melted glacier from her bearskin canteen]
[ChuckN] "No thanks, ma'am. I don't need a chaser." [ChuckN's muscles grow dramatically right before their eyes. His beard becomes fuller, and the few gray hairs on his head return to their original color]
[ChuckN, to Cheney] "Geritol is to Chuck Norris as spinach is to Popeye."
[Cheney looks away timidly and whistles quietly]
[Casey] "Fred and Chuck seem to have the Mexican Pig Death / Illegal Border Crossing problem dealt with. I suggest that I use my skills at disguise to confuse The Soros."
[Jindal] "Yeah!" [aside to audience "I finally get another line in this script! woohoo!"] "If we can sever the relation between The Soros and The Obama, our outlook will be much improved. We know that The Obama gets text messages from Scarlett Johannsen. Maybe I should hack her Verizon acc..."[Types furiously on laptop] "Done! What do we want Scarlet to say?"
[FredT] "Scarlett who?"
[SarahP] "Just another hollywood liberal with sluttish tendencies."
[ChuckN] "Back in the day, when me 'n Fred were making commie-bustin' movies, we didn't need any sluttish liberals in our flicks. The women in our movies, while pretty, were mainly there because they were smart and had important roles with quality dialogue."
[FredT] "You tell 'em, Chuck!"
[Jindal] "How about I mess with The Soros' hedge fund?" [insanely fast typing] "Heh. I just put in a buy order for The Soros. He's getting a billion shares of Chrysler tomorrow! He'll be broke by this time tomorrow! Ha! How's that crisis treating you now, you sunnybeach!"
[collective laughter]
[SarahP] "Gee, Bobby! I knew you were smart, but I had no idea!"
[Jindal, blushing] "I've memorized pi to 1000 digits." [pulls out abacus, slides little abacus doo-dads around at breakneck speed] "and the 1001'th digit is '7' "
[Casey] "This is going remarkably well. Soon the progressive bloggers will have to find actual work, because The Soros will have nothing to pay them. Then they'll find that The Obama's tax policies aren't so wonderful after all. Which brings us around to the economy."
[Jindal typing like mad. Fingers flying around the keyboard like spent brass being ejected from a minigun] "OK, I've whipped up a little model."
[Microsoft Excel] "recalculating..."
[Jindal] "Hurry up! OK, it's done. Finally. My model has some assumptions, including oil at $60/bbl for the next year, then trending up to $90/bbl over the next two. Further assumptions include the expiration of Bush's tax cuts, and the dollar remaining..."
[Cheney] "OK! Enough details! Are you gonna tell us the result before I die?"
[Jindal] "My calculations show you will live another 7.2 years. What's the hurry?"
[Cheney raises hand to backslap Jindal]
[Jindal] "OK. Short version? We're all screwed. If you don't know Mandarin or Hindi, you should learn soon, because The Obama will bankrupt us in 1.37 years. On the plus side, I am fluent in both of those languages, so I will probably get preferential treatment in the labor camps."
[FredT] "NEVER!"
[SarahP] "Right! I have an idea... Since every weasel north of the equator is bent on digging through my trash, I should put a forged "
[Jindal typing at high subsonic speeds] "Here you go. The attached .pdf should appear in your inbox momentarily."
[SarahP] "Ahem! ...a forged Obama birth certificate in my trash. It'll say that I am actually The Obama's mom. That'll give the troofers something to woof about! And I have a knack for stealing any news cycle I want with just a few words. I'll equivocate for a while, allowing the rumors to get traction. Then I'll tell the world it is true! Every liberal head will finally cave in from the vacuum inside their mushy skulls!"
[Casey] "Genius! Pure Genius! We shall reclaim our country!"
[ChuckN, holding finger in the air] "Shhhh." [Looks around] [Springs from seat, planting one foot on the table] [Does cartwheel spinning double roundhouse backfist chop in pike position (degree of difficulty 4.3) ] "Hi-yaa!" [Lands smoothly on feet in perfect butt-kicking posture]
[SarahP] "What the.."
[ChuckN] "Well, that's ONE Mexican Pig Death Virus that won't be bothering anybody ever again."
[FredT] "Are you trying to tell us that you just karate-chopped a virus in midair?"
[ChuckN] "Yes. Would you like to see it again?"
[Cheney] "Umm, maybe later."
[ChuckN] "I don't like your tone. Be reminded that I routinely beat crap out of terrorists half my age."
[Cheney] "Now I know I'm no spring chicken, either. So maybe I'm not the one to talk, but people even half your age are considering AARP membership. I dunno if I'd crow too loudly about all that."
[Casey] "Remember! The Soros is trying to turn us against each other!"
[ChuckN] "Sorry."
[FredT] "American immune systems seem to be stronger than others. If we could just stop the inflow of infected illegals, and get people to take a 3-day weekend, I think this whole Mexican Pig Death would burn itself out in short order."
[ChuckN] "I'll handle the border. I played a Texas Ranger. I know what to do."
[Cheney] "Oh geez."
[ChuckN pulls bottle of Geritol from coat pocket and downs several tablets]
[SarahP offers Chuck a sip of melted glacier from her bearskin canteen]
[ChuckN] "No thanks, ma'am. I don't need a chaser." [ChuckN's muscles grow dramatically right before their eyes. His beard becomes fuller, and the few gray hairs on his head return to their original color]
[ChuckN, to Cheney] "Geritol is to Chuck Norris as spinach is to Popeye."
[Cheney looks away timidly and whistles quietly]
[Casey] "Fred and Chuck seem to have the Mexican Pig Death / Illegal Border Crossing problem dealt with. I suggest that I use my skills at disguise to confuse The Soros."
[Jindal] "Yeah!" [aside to audience "I finally get another line in this script! woohoo!"] "If we can sever the relation between The Soros and The Obama, our outlook will be much improved. We know that The Obama gets text messages from Scarlett Johannsen. Maybe I should hack her Verizon acc..."[Types furiously on laptop] "Done! What do we want Scarlet to say?"
[FredT] "Scarlett who?"
[SarahP] "Just another hollywood liberal with sluttish tendencies."
[ChuckN] "Back in the day, when me 'n Fred were making commie-bustin' movies, we didn't need any sluttish liberals in our flicks. The women in our movies, while pretty, were mainly there because they were smart and had important roles with quality dialogue."
[FredT] "You tell 'em, Chuck!"
[Jindal] "How about I mess with The Soros' hedge fund?" [insanely fast typing] "Heh. I just put in a buy order for The Soros. He's getting a billion shares of Chrysler tomorrow! He'll be broke by this time tomorrow! Ha! How's that crisis treating you now, you sunnybeach!"
[collective laughter]
[SarahP] "Gee, Bobby! I knew you were smart, but I had no idea!"
[Jindal, blushing] "I've memorized pi to 1000 digits." [pulls out abacus, slides little abacus doo-dads around at breakneck speed] "and the 1001'th digit is '7' "
[Casey] "This is going remarkably well. Soon the progressive bloggers will have to find actual work, because The Soros will have nothing to pay them. Then they'll find that The Obama's tax policies aren't so wonderful after all. Which brings us around to the economy."
[Jindal typing like mad. Fingers flying around the keyboard like spent brass being ejected from a minigun] "OK, I've whipped up a little model."
[Microsoft Excel] "recalculating..."
[Jindal] "Hurry up! OK, it's done. Finally. My model has some assumptions, including oil at $60/bbl for the next year, then trending up to $90/bbl over the next two. Further assumptions include the expiration of Bush's tax cuts, and the dollar remaining..."
[Cheney] "OK! Enough details! Are you gonna tell us the result before I die?"
[Jindal] "My calculations show you will live another 7.2 years. What's the hurry?"
[Cheney raises hand to backslap Jindal]
[Jindal] "OK. Short version? We're all screwed. If you don't know Mandarin or Hindi, you should learn soon, because The Obama will bankrupt us in 1.37 years. On the plus side, I am fluent in both of those languages, so I will probably get preferential treatment in the labor camps."
[FredT] "NEVER!"
[SarahP] "Right! I have an idea... Since every weasel north of the equator is bent on digging through my trash, I should put a forged "
[Jindal typing at high subsonic speeds] "Here you go. The attached .pdf should appear in your inbox momentarily."
[SarahP] "Ahem! ...a forged Obama birth certificate in my trash. It'll say that I am actually The Obama's mom. That'll give the troofers something to woof about! And I have a knack for stealing any news cycle I want with just a few words. I'll equivocate for a while, allowing the rumors to get traction. Then I'll tell the world it is true! Every liberal head will finally cave in from the vacuum inside their mushy skulls!"
[Casey] "Genius! Pure Genius! We shall reclaim our country!"
Barry big problems need solving, Part 1
Sun beginning to rise, though it is still mostly dark. A little red pickup bounces along a deserted old road near Mt. Rushmore. Lingering snow along the sides of the road reflect the slowly growing daylight.
[Fred Thompson, exiting truck] "I feel like I am in the right place, but I just don't know why"
In the distance, a snowmobilemachine approaches, following the patches of remaining snow. It pulls up and parks alongside the pickup. A female figure climbs off. A rifle is slung over one shoulder, and a bandolier holding brightly polished ammo is slung over the other shoulder - the two leather straps forming a threatening, yet feminine X shape over her torso.
[Sarah Palin] "Senator Thompson, is that you?"
[FredT] "Why, yes. It is good to see you here, Gov'nor. Though I don't know for the life of me what brought me out here."
[SarahP] "Me either. I just had this strange compulsion to ride down here from Alaska."
A hissing sound is heard, they both startle at the sound and look for its source - a trapdoor opening near them. Wisps of fog waft out of it. Faint light from far below illuminates a stairway leading down. Far down. Far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore.
[FredT] "I guess we know why we're here! Let's head on down!"
SarahP partially opens the bolt of her rifle, confirming a round is chambered, then closes the bolt. Her thumb is on the safety as she approaches the stairway that goes far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore.
[FredT] "Is that really necessary?"
[SarahP] "It could be a another trap set by liberal dorkblogger Andrew Sullivan. He's been out to get me."
[FredT] "My folksy old-time wisdom is telling me everything is fine." [Heads down the stairs]
[SarahP, under her breath] "That's fine. You rely on your folksy wisdom, I'll rely on cold steel with a custom free-floating barrel and a 2.5-8X variable scope."
They climbed down the stairs for what seemed like a very long time. Because it was. One does not get far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore in mere seconds.
Eventually they reach another door, which is closed. No doorknob or hinges are evident. Ancient runes carved in the door read "speak friend, and enter."
[SarahP] "Oh, my kids love those books, and the movies! I know this one!" [Loudly] "FRIEND!"
Nothing happens.
[FredT] "Uhh. Hmm. Amigo?" "Comrade?" "10-4 Good Buddy?"
Nothing happens.
[SarahP, taking aim at door] "I didn't climb down all... those... stairs... just to play 20 questions. You stupid door, I'm gonna blow you away in 3...2...
[FredT] "Crap, this is going to be loud!" [plugs ears and closes eyes tightly]
[SarahP] "...1"
[FredT] "FRIEND AND ENTER!"
The door slides open.
[SarahP] "Wow, that was really cornball. Whoever wrote this stupid script should be shot."
Beyond the door, several figures are seated around a polished marble table. The two enter.
[Dick Cheney, cranky] "It's about time you two showed up! I got here over an hour ago!"
[Chuck Norris] "This is getting weirder every second."
[Bobby Jindal] "My laptop's WiMax card has surprisingly good reception, even here in the bowels of the earth."
[Cheney] "Take your seats. We're about to start."
An elderly figure enters, wearing an elaborate ceremonial robe and carrying a strange gold artifact, covered in jewels. It is former CIA Director William (Bill) Casey, long thought deceased.
[ChuckN] "But I thought you were dead!"
[Cheney] "We already covered that in a previous episode. Please try to keep up, Chuck."
[ChuckN] "I'll have you know, that of all the people who have made an upchuck joke in my presence, you are the first that I've allowed to live. And that's ONLY because my mother always taught me respect my elders."
[Cheney, in Sgt. Hulka voice] "Lighten up... Charles."
[ChuckN stands up and glares at Cheney]
[Casey] "Gentlemen. The Soros is doing his mind tricks on us again, trying to create division within our ranks. We must not succumb to the evil of The Soros."
[ChuckN] "Sorry."
[SarahP, forcefully] "Well, it's all fine and dandy to be far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore with a roomful of conservative luminaries, but would somebody please explain what this is all about? And while you're at it, tell us how you're still alive."
[Casey, looking towards Palin] "Oooh, the Force is strong in this one!" [addressing the entire group] "This is a secret place created by the Founding Fathers. This arcane object" [holds up artifact] "was also created by them. In times of great national peril, it subliminally summons the great conservatives of the age to this secret place. Here we will devise and implement our strategy for reclaiming our country! Cheney was here with me, along with William F. Buckley, Jesse Helms, and others, the last time we faced such danger. It was during the Carter administration, and our countrymen were held overseas by the hostile Iranians."
[Cheney] "Yes. The beltway republicans thought The Reagan was just a b-movie cowboy who was way too conservative to win an election. We met here, and we saw to it that he was elected. The Iranians released the hostages, taxes were lowered, and the people rejoiced."
[Casey] "Our mission today is twofold: 1. For the long-term battle, we must determine who shall lead us out of malaise and despair. We have been leaderless, rudderless, and divided for too long. We shall soon determine our new leader."
[FredT] "Well, I'm full of folksy wisdom, and I kind of talk like a b-movie cowboy. I should be the one."
[ChuckN] "I kick butt and played a Texas Ranger on a b-TV series. It should be me."
[Casey] "No. Our new leader will be youthful. A young gun, so to speak. Our new leader is in this room. But the choice is not yet clear."
[SarahP, making eye contact with Jindal, nods confidently and winks]
[Jindal, mind racing. To himself] "She makes an odd gesture, but what does it mean? Is she giving me a vote of confidence, or is that the look of a predator about to devour an adversary? I wish I had more social skills, and understood girls better!"
[Casey] "It will become clear in future days who we shall rally behind. Whether that will be Palin or Jindal, is yet unknown. For now, we have other, more immediate threats to deal with."
[ChuckN] "Fine. But you still haven't told us about your, oh, how should I say, 'continued non-deceasement.' We all though you died a long time ago."
[Casey] "Very well. In 1987, as CIA director, I sensed that the Soviet Union was nearing collapse. They were still strong, but the signs of failure were beginning to appear. It was crucial that The Reagan received his due credit for ending them once and for all. So I used my CIA skills to fake my own death. Then I put some FD&C Red #5 food coloring on a ping-pong paddle, and smacked myself in the forehead with it. Again, using my CIA skills, I stealthily infiltrated the fortified borders of the Soviet Union and started saying "Glasnost! Glasnost and perestroika!" over and over again. Soon the communists were toppled the wall came down, and there was much jubilation. I'd been living a quiet retirement under an assumed identity ever since, but the rise of The Soros and his protegé The Obama have stirred me anew..." [emotionally, pounding fist on table] "I Will Yet Serve My Country , because I... Still... Function!"
[misty eyes, loud applause from all]
[Casey] "Now then, about the dangers our country faces today..."
-----------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, back in DC:
[Obama, to Rahm E.] "People are all freaked out about the H1N1 virus thing. I always thought that H1N1 was a kind of entry visa we give to skilled workers who want to do the jobs here that we haven't outsourced yet."
[Rahm E.] "Sire, you are nearly correct. The H1B is the work visa. H1N1 is a deadly flu virus. But, m'lord, I can see how all those h's and 1's could be confusing. I'll immediately contact the State Department and have them give new designations to all immigrant work visas. That should end the confusion."
[Obama] "Wouldn't it be easier to just let anybody come in here whenever they want, instead of all this H1B1 paperwork nonsense? Wait a sec... YES! That's it! I'll just let anybody from any country come and go whenever they want! That'll save money on all the paperwork that will no longer be needed! I can go on TV and brag about how I've cut the budget! Ha ha, take that, republicans! You're not the only ones who can cut the budget!"
[Rahm E.] "Excellent idea, sire."
[Obama] "Also, it's true I was stoned a lot during chemistry class, but I really thought the "1" was kind of implied. For example, the formula for my favorite chemical, ethyl alcohol, is C2H5OH rather than C2H5O1H1. So why does this virus name have all those 1's in it?"
[Rahm E. struggling to stifle his utter frustration] "You're right, m'lord. I'll contact the textbook publishers and have them amend all the chemisty books. "
[Obama] "Right on. Make sure they make all those corrections right away, 'cuz I hate looking stupid."
[Biden enters , wearing wetsuit and scuba gear. On his back is an industrial sprayer filled with Lysol.]
[Obama] "Speaking of looking stupid, what's up with that outfit, Joe?"
[Biden, voice muffled by scuba air regulator in his mouth] "My cah wouldn't staht thish mahning. So I had to wide the thubway with all dose infected people. I don't wanna take no chances." [Sprays mist of Lysol into the air around him]
[Obama] "Rahm, it is time to get control over this panic. Tell the Secret Service I'm going for a walk amongst the ordinary people. Right out there on the sidewalk with the plebes, cretins and assorted lowlifes. Without a mask. That'll give the plebes, cretins and lowlifes on the sidewalk confidence that this HBO1N1 thing is nothing to worry about."
Obama and Secret Service detail head down the strees. A mother and young child approach on the sidewalk.
[child] "Mommy! Look! It's the President!"
[Obama] "Hi there!" [bends over to shake kid's hand]
[child] "I saw you on TV the other day!"
[Obama, smiling] "Really? What did you think?"
[child] "My mommy says it is a sin to use swear words, so I better not tell you."
[Biden, still in scuba gear, blasts kid in face with spray of Lysol]
[child, shrieking in pain from burning eyes] "Mommy! Daddy was right! Those are bad men!"
[Obama] "Darn conservatives, always screwing up my photo-ops!" [Obama, on cellphone to Axelrod] "Hey Axe, find out if that kid that Biden just nailed has any unpaid tax liens, then send out a mass text-message to all the fools on our phone list and tell them to meet me on the 1800 block of Pennsylvania Avenue. I need to have them show up while MSNBC's cameras are running and congratulate me on my calm and effective handling of this flu thing. Ordinary people on the street aren't being very helpful. I need those losers to get out of bed and help me out."
-----------------------------
Back at the bunker, far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore:
[Casey] "We still need to address the the problems of the Mexican Pig Death, the open borders, the attacks on capitalism, and the attacks on our moral fabric...."
[Fred Thompson, exiting truck] "I feel like I am in the right place, but I just don't know why"
In the distance, a snow
[Sarah Palin] "Senator Thompson, is that you?"
[FredT] "Why, yes. It is good to see you here, Gov'nor. Though I don't know for the life of me what brought me out here."
[SarahP] "Me either. I just had this strange compulsion to ride down here from Alaska."
A hissing sound is heard, they both startle at the sound and look for its source - a trapdoor opening near them. Wisps of fog waft out of it. Faint light from far below illuminates a stairway leading down. Far down. Far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore.
[FredT] "I guess we know why we're here! Let's head on down!"
SarahP partially opens the bolt of her rifle, confirming a round is chambered, then closes the bolt. Her thumb is on the safety as she approaches the stairway that goes far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore.
[FredT] "Is that really necessary?"
[SarahP] "It could be a another trap set by liberal dorkblogger Andrew Sullivan. He's been out to get me."
[FredT] "My folksy old-time wisdom is telling me everything is fine." [Heads down the stairs]
[SarahP, under her breath] "That's fine. You rely on your folksy wisdom, I'll rely on cold steel with a custom free-floating barrel and a 2.5-8X variable scope."
They climbed down the stairs for what seemed like a very long time. Because it was. One does not get far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore in mere seconds.
Eventually they reach another door, which is closed. No doorknob or hinges are evident. Ancient runes carved in the door read "speak friend, and enter."
[SarahP] "Oh, my kids love those books, and the movies! I know this one!" [Loudly] "FRIEND!"
Nothing happens.
[FredT] "Uhh. Hmm. Amigo?" "Comrade?" "10-4 Good Buddy?"
Nothing happens.
[SarahP, taking aim at door] "I didn't climb down all... those... stairs... just to play 20 questions. You stupid door, I'm gonna blow you away in 3...2...
[FredT] "Crap, this is going to be loud!" [plugs ears and closes eyes tightly]
[SarahP] "...1"
[FredT] "FRIEND AND ENTER!"
The door slides open.
[SarahP] "Wow, that was really cornball. Whoever wrote this stupid script should be shot."
Beyond the door, several figures are seated around a polished marble table. The two enter.
[Dick Cheney, cranky] "It's about time you two showed up! I got here over an hour ago!"
[Chuck Norris] "This is getting weirder every second."
[Bobby Jindal] "My laptop's WiMax card has surprisingly good reception, even here in the bowels of the earth."
[Cheney] "Take your seats. We're about to start."
An elderly figure enters, wearing an elaborate ceremonial robe and carrying a strange gold artifact, covered in jewels. It is former CIA Director William (Bill) Casey, long thought deceased.
[ChuckN] "But I thought you were dead!"
[Cheney] "We already covered that in a previous episode. Please try to keep up, Chuck."
[ChuckN] "I'll have you know, that of all the people who have made an upchuck joke in my presence, you are the first that I've allowed to live. And that's ONLY because my mother always taught me respect my elders."
[Cheney, in Sgt. Hulka voice] "Lighten up... Charles."
[ChuckN stands up and glares at Cheney]
[Casey] "Gentlemen. The Soros is doing his mind tricks on us again, trying to create division within our ranks. We must not succumb to the evil of The Soros."
[ChuckN] "Sorry."
[SarahP, forcefully] "Well, it's all fine and dandy to be far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore with a roomful of conservative luminaries, but would somebody please explain what this is all about? And while you're at it, tell us how you're still alive."
[Casey, looking towards Palin] "Oooh, the Force is strong in this one!" [addressing the entire group] "This is a secret place created by the Founding Fathers. This arcane object" [holds up artifact] "was also created by them. In times of great national peril, it subliminally summons the great conservatives of the age to this secret place. Here we will devise and implement our strategy for reclaiming our country! Cheney was here with me, along with William F. Buckley, Jesse Helms, and others, the last time we faced such danger. It was during the Carter administration, and our countrymen were held overseas by the hostile Iranians."
[Cheney] "Yes. The beltway republicans thought The Reagan was just a b-movie cowboy who was way too conservative to win an election. We met here, and we saw to it that he was elected. The Iranians released the hostages, taxes were lowered, and the people rejoiced."
[Casey] "Our mission today is twofold: 1. For the long-term battle, we must determine who shall lead us out of malaise and despair. We have been leaderless, rudderless, and divided for too long. We shall soon determine our new leader."
[FredT] "Well, I'm full of folksy wisdom, and I kind of talk like a b-movie cowboy. I should be the one."
[ChuckN] "I kick butt and played a Texas Ranger on a b-TV series. It should be me."
[Casey] "No. Our new leader will be youthful. A young gun, so to speak. Our new leader is in this room. But the choice is not yet clear."
[SarahP, making eye contact with Jindal, nods confidently and winks]
[Jindal, mind racing. To himself] "She makes an odd gesture, but what does it mean? Is she giving me a vote of confidence, or is that the look of a predator about to devour an adversary? I wish I had more social skills, and understood girls better!"
[Casey] "It will become clear in future days who we shall rally behind. Whether that will be Palin or Jindal, is yet unknown. For now, we have other, more immediate threats to deal with."
[ChuckN] "Fine. But you still haven't told us about your, oh, how should I say, 'continued non-deceasement.' We all though you died a long time ago."
[Casey] "Very well. In 1987, as CIA director, I sensed that the Soviet Union was nearing collapse. They were still strong, but the signs of failure were beginning to appear. It was crucial that The Reagan received his due credit for ending them once and for all. So I used my CIA skills to fake my own death. Then I put some FD&C Red #5 food coloring on a ping-pong paddle, and smacked myself in the forehead with it. Again, using my CIA skills, I stealthily infiltrated the fortified borders of the Soviet Union and started saying "Glasnost! Glasnost and perestroika!" over and over again. Soon the communists were toppled the wall came down, and there was much jubilation. I'd been living a quiet retirement under an assumed identity ever since, but the rise of The Soros and his protegé The Obama have stirred me anew..." [emotionally, pounding fist on table] "I Will Yet Serve My Country , because I... Still... Function!"
[misty eyes, loud applause from all]
[Casey] "Now then, about the dangers our country faces today..."
-----------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, back in DC:
[Obama, to Rahm E.] "People are all freaked out about the H1N1 virus thing. I always thought that H1N1 was a kind of entry visa we give to skilled workers who want to do the jobs here that we haven't outsourced yet."
[Rahm E.] "Sire, you are nearly correct. The H1B is the work visa. H1N1 is a deadly flu virus. But, m'lord, I can see how all those h's and 1's could be confusing. I'll immediately contact the State Department and have them give new designations to all immigrant work visas. That should end the confusion."
[Obama] "Wouldn't it be easier to just let anybody come in here whenever they want, instead of all this H1B1 paperwork nonsense? Wait a sec... YES! That's it! I'll just let anybody from any country come and go whenever they want! That'll save money on all the paperwork that will no longer be needed! I can go on TV and brag about how I've cut the budget! Ha ha, take that, republicans! You're not the only ones who can cut the budget!"
[Rahm E.] "Excellent idea, sire."
[Obama] "Also, it's true I was stoned a lot during chemistry class, but I really thought the "1" was kind of implied. For example, the formula for my favorite chemical, ethyl alcohol, is C2H5OH rather than C2H5O1H1. So why does this virus name have all those 1's in it?"
[Rahm E. struggling to stifle his utter frustration] "You're right, m'lord. I'll contact the textbook publishers and have them amend all the chemisty books. "
[Obama] "Right on. Make sure they make all those corrections right away, 'cuz I hate looking stupid."
[Biden enters , wearing wetsuit and scuba gear. On his back is an industrial sprayer filled with Lysol.]
[Obama] "Speaking of looking stupid, what's up with that outfit, Joe?"
[Biden, voice muffled by scuba air regulator in his mouth] "My cah wouldn't staht thish mahning. So I had to wide the thubway with all dose infected people. I don't wanna take no chances." [Sprays mist of Lysol into the air around him]
[Obama] "Rahm, it is time to get control over this panic. Tell the Secret Service I'm going for a walk amongst the ordinary people. Right out there on the sidewalk with the plebes, cretins and assorted lowlifes. Without a mask. That'll give the plebes, cretins and lowlifes on the sidewalk confidence that this HBO1N1 thing is nothing to worry about."
Obama and Secret Service detail head down the strees. A mother and young child approach on the sidewalk.
[child] "Mommy! Look! It's the President!"
[Obama] "Hi there!" [bends over to shake kid's hand]
[child] "I saw you on TV the other day!"
[Obama, smiling] "Really? What did you think?"
[child] "My mommy says it is a sin to use swear words, so I better not tell you."
[Biden, still in scuba gear, blasts kid in face with spray of Lysol]
[child, shrieking in pain from burning eyes] "Mommy! Daddy was right! Those are bad men!"
[Obama] "Darn conservatives, always screwing up my photo-ops!" [Obama, on cellphone to Axelrod] "Hey Axe, find out if that kid that Biden just nailed has any unpaid tax liens, then send out a mass text-message to all the fools on our phone list and tell them to meet me on the 1800 block of Pennsylvania Avenue. I need to have them show up while MSNBC's cameras are running and congratulate me on my calm and effective handling of this flu thing. Ordinary people on the street aren't being very helpful. I need those losers to get out of bed and help me out."
-----------------------------
Back at the bunker, far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore:
[Casey] "We still need to address the the problems of the Mexican Pig Death, the open borders, the attacks on capitalism, and the attacks on our moral fabric...."
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
We live in barry scary times, Part II
[Obama in White House lunchroom] [Sniff, sniff, nose in air] "I think I smell a republican" [sniffs sandwich] "No, it's not my sandwich. There's definitely a republican around here."
[Arlen Specter, wearing trenchcoat, fedora and sunglasses. Whispering] "Pssst. Mr. President, do you have a second?"
[Obama, turning around] "Who goes there?"
[Specter] "It's me, Arlen"
[Obama] "I knew it! I could sense the foul stench of republicans in my midst! Begone!"
[Specter] "But I vote with the democrats a lot. Can I just have a second of your time?"
[Obama] "Keep it quick, and keep the disguise. I must not be seen with you."
[Specter] "I've been having a lot of second thoughts about being a republican. 'Specially in the last few weeks, as it is clear that in the next primary, Toomey would beat my cottage-cheesed butt right into the ground."
[Obama closes eyes and waves hand. The two are transported to another dimension.]
[Creepy hooded Obama] "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side!"
[Specter] "During the porkulus debate, I felt a strange disturbance in the Senate. It was as if 787 billion dollars cried out, then were silenced."
[Creepy hooded Obama] "Yes! You voted for cloture, ensuring my porkulus would pass into law."
[Specter] "It made me feel naughty. Curiously naughty. I liked it."
[Creepy hooded Obama] "Now change parties, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!"
[Specter] "What is thy bidding, my master?"
[Creepy hooded Obama] "YES! Bwaaahaaaahaaa! [Laughter echoes creepily. Obama waves hand, the two return to normal spacetime.]
[Obama] "Tell no one. I mean, uh, wait. Oh. Note the little 'o' in the word 'one' I just said. I should have said 'tell nobody' because I am The One, with a big 'O'. That could get confusing.
[Specter] "Understood, master. Heh. When my wife talks about the 'Big O' she means something totally different, but I'll straighten her out."
------------------------
[Obama's big TV conference that's on almost every channel]
[Obama] "I had intended to use this time to address the American people regarding the ongoing economic challenges we face, and the continuing threat of man-caused disasters. Recent events have caused me to redirect the bulk of my message, but I will take a few minutes to quickly address those things.
First of all, my redistributionist policies and my desire to reward my cronies - these two crucial challenges facing my administration- have found a neat solution with the automaker bailouts. My buddies, the poor downtrodden UAW, now are in charge of GM. The government now holds a larger stake in GM than the original shareholders. People who bought GM corporate bonds hoping to help GM, will get paid about 10 cents on the dollar. We recognize that this could be damaging to some people's retirement savings. That's why there's a new page on change.gov, where you can download a free coupon. This coupon is redeemable for a free tube of 401KY Jelly, which makes losing your retirement savings much more comfortable.
[polite clapping from the audience]
Secondly, there are mischief makers who want to cause pain to our nation. Some use bombs, some use the media. The other day, I had Air Force One fly low through New York City so we could get an updated photo. Those vile chatterboxes in the MSM slander me, claiming that I caused some kind of scare. They proclaim that people fled their office towers in fear, that my actions reminded people of 9/11. I am here to tell you this is not the case. People were not fleeing in fear. They hear a low-flying jet and said to themselves 'hey, that might be Air Force One! Maybe President Obama is nearby!' They looked out the windows and saw that it indeed was Air Force One. Not willing that their officemates might miss out, they went so far as to pull fire alarms, so that everybody would know to run outside and seek a glimpse of my plane. Sadly, I was unable to actually be on board, but nobody at ground zero knew that at the time. They thought they might see me wave to them, or even catch a whiff of my hot jet exhaust. So we can excuse their exuberance. It was ME they thought they were seeing, after all. But it is flawed reporting like this that is causing big newspapers like the New York Times and cable channels like MSNBC to lose customers. If they would merely speak the truth about my greatness 24/7, they might not be having so many problems.
[audience applauds]
Speaking of man-caused disasters, this brings us to the big topic of the day. The Swine Flu. Thankfully, my religion prohibits consumption of pork. So I, your leader, am not at risk.
[loud applause]
But there are many Americans who like their bacon, and the swine flu is wreaking a terrible toll on them. To you, I say 'be comforted.' For our department of homeland security has learned that this is all a big conspiracy perpetrated by extremist right-wingers. Soon my Secret Police will be rounding these evildoers up and placing them in FEMA camps.
[loud applause]
Lastly, I have a big surprise for you...
[Obama gestures offstage, and Arlen Specter strides into the spotlight beside Obama] "Go ahead and tell the folks..."
[Specter] "I was first elected to the Senate during the Reagan Revolution. Ronald Reagan was a good man"
[boos, hisses]
[Specter] "But today's GOP has moved too far to the right. Reagan's Big Tent Republicanism has been replaced with rabid opposition to Obama's greatness."
[crowd bewildered]
[Specter] "They have moved so far to the right, they've fallen off the end of the spectrum. It's like when you're playing Asteroids on your Atari. The rock disappears off the right side of the screen and reappears on the left side."
[audience member, to the one seated next to him, quietly] "Atari? Geez this guy is old!"
[Specter] "They've gone so far to the right that they've wrapped back around to the middle. Today's GOP is run by savage right-wing mutants like Chuck Hagel and Lincoln Chafee and John McCain. I'll have no more of them. Today I announce that I am changing my party affiliation. I am now a democrat."
[audience cheers]
[Obama] "Now I have a filibuster-proof majority of everything. No One. I mean Nobody can stand in my way!! I am the king of the world!!
[Arlen Specter, wearing trenchcoat, fedora and sunglasses. Whispering] "Pssst. Mr. President, do you have a second?"
[Obama, turning around] "Who goes there?"
[Specter] "It's me, Arlen"
[Obama] "I knew it! I could sense the foul stench of republicans in my midst! Begone!"
[Specter] "But I vote with the democrats a lot. Can I just have a second of your time?"
[Obama] "Keep it quick, and keep the disguise. I must not be seen with you."
[Specter] "I've been having a lot of second thoughts about being a republican. 'Specially in the last few weeks, as it is clear that in the next primary, Toomey would beat my cottage-cheesed butt right into the ground."
[Obama closes eyes and waves hand. The two are transported to another dimension.]
[Creepy hooded Obama] "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side!"
[Specter] "During the porkulus debate, I felt a strange disturbance in the Senate. It was as if 787 billion dollars cried out, then were silenced."
[Creepy hooded Obama] "Yes! You voted for cloture, ensuring my porkulus would pass into law."
[Specter] "It made me feel naughty. Curiously naughty. I liked it."
[Creepy hooded Obama] "Now change parties, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!"
[Specter] "What is thy bidding, my master?"
[Creepy hooded Obama] "YES! Bwaaahaaaahaaa! [Laughter echoes creepily. Obama waves hand, the two return to normal spacetime.]
[Obama] "Tell no one. I mean, uh, wait. Oh. Note the little 'o' in the word 'one' I just said. I should have said 'tell nobody' because I am The One, with a big 'O'. That could get confusing.
[Specter] "Understood, master. Heh. When my wife talks about the 'Big O' she means something totally different, but I'll straighten her out."
------------------------
[Obama's big TV conference that's on almost every channel]
[Obama] "I had intended to use this time to address the American people regarding the ongoing economic challenges we face, and the continuing threat of man-caused disasters. Recent events have caused me to redirect the bulk of my message, but I will take a few minutes to quickly address those things.
First of all, my redistributionist policies and my desire to reward my cronies - these two crucial challenges facing my administration- have found a neat solution with the automaker bailouts. My buddies, the poor downtrodden UAW, now are in charge of GM. The government now holds a larger stake in GM than the original shareholders. People who bought GM corporate bonds hoping to help GM, will get paid about 10 cents on the dollar. We recognize that this could be damaging to some people's retirement savings. That's why there's a new page on change.gov, where you can download a free coupon. This coupon is redeemable for a free tube of 401KY Jelly, which makes losing your retirement savings much more comfortable.
[polite clapping from the audience]
Secondly, there are mischief makers who want to cause pain to our nation. Some use bombs, some use the media. The other day, I had Air Force One fly low through New York City so we could get an updated photo. Those vile chatterboxes in the MSM slander me, claiming that I caused some kind of scare. They proclaim that people fled their office towers in fear, that my actions reminded people of 9/11. I am here to tell you this is not the case. People were not fleeing in fear. They hear a low-flying jet and said to themselves 'hey, that might be Air Force One! Maybe President Obama is nearby!' They looked out the windows and saw that it indeed was Air Force One. Not willing that their officemates might miss out, they went so far as to pull fire alarms, so that everybody would know to run outside and seek a glimpse of my plane. Sadly, I was unable to actually be on board, but nobody at ground zero knew that at the time. They thought they might see me wave to them, or even catch a whiff of my hot jet exhaust. So we can excuse their exuberance. It was ME they thought they were seeing, after all. But it is flawed reporting like this that is causing big newspapers like the New York Times and cable channels like MSNBC to lose customers. If they would merely speak the truth about my greatness 24/7, they might not be having so many problems.
[audience applauds]
Speaking of man-caused disasters, this brings us to the big topic of the day. The Swine Flu. Thankfully, my religion prohibits consumption of pork. So I, your leader, am not at risk.
[loud applause]
But there are many Americans who like their bacon, and the swine flu is wreaking a terrible toll on them. To you, I say 'be comforted.' For our department of homeland security has learned that this is all a big conspiracy perpetrated by extremist right-wingers. Soon my Secret Police will be rounding these evildoers up and placing them in FEMA camps.
[loud applause]
Lastly, I have a big surprise for you...
[Obama gestures offstage, and Arlen Specter strides into the spotlight beside Obama] "Go ahead and tell the folks..."
[Specter] "I was first elected to the Senate during the Reagan Revolution. Ronald Reagan was a good man"
[boos, hisses]
[Specter] "But today's GOP has moved too far to the right. Reagan's Big Tent Republicanism has been replaced with rabid opposition to Obama's greatness."
[crowd bewildered]
[Specter] "They have moved so far to the right, they've fallen off the end of the spectrum. It's like when you're playing Asteroids on your Atari. The rock disappears off the right side of the screen and reappears on the left side."
[audience member, to the one seated next to him, quietly] "Atari? Geez this guy is old!"
[Specter] "They've gone so far to the right that they've wrapped back around to the middle. Today's GOP is run by savage right-wing mutants like Chuck Hagel and Lincoln Chafee and John McCain. I'll have no more of them. Today I announce that I am changing my party affiliation. I am now a democrat."
[audience cheers]
[Obama] "Now I have a filibuster-proof majority of everything. No One. I mean Nobody can stand in my way!! I am the king of the world!!
We live in barry scary times
Morning security and staff meeting. Usual suspects advisors in attendance.
[Obama, putting down newspaper and picking up coffee cup. "Swine Flu" headline still visible.] "So I was out playing a round of golf the other day when I was asked about this shine flu business. I was caught totally off-guard. I used my canned 'we are aware of the situation, there's no need for alarm' line that I always use when I'm caught unawares. But as President, I suppose I should be more informed about this issue. Please fill me in."
[Obama looks in direction of Surgeon General's seat, which is empty.]
[Obama looks in direction of Director of CDC's seat, which is empty.]
[Obama looks in direction of Secretary of HHS' seat, which is empty.] "Didn't we name somebody to HHS? I thought we did."
[Axelrod] "Sebelius hasn't been confirmed yet. As for the others, Sanjay Gupta flew the coopta before we even got around to confirming him for Surgeon General, and I don't think anybody here even realized we were supposed to name a director for CDC. Maybe we should get on that."
[Obama] "Are there yet any tax-dodgers out there whom we might call upon?"
[Axelrod] "I'll check. There's gotta still be a couple out there we haven't nominated yet. If they're out there, I'll find them for ya!"
[Obama] "Very good. But this still leaves me woefully uninformed about this Stein Flu."
[SecState Clinton, under desk, pokes napping SecHomeSec Napolitano w/ sharp end of pencil. Napolitano jerks to alertness, lifts head from notebook "pillow" and raises hand like a knowing elementary school student. A wispy, silvery line of drool connects the corner of Napolitano's mouth to the small puddle on her notebook.] "PRESENT!"
[Obama] "Jan, we're in April. Christmas, or Kwanzaa if you prefer, isn't for several more months. Please don't distract us with discussions of Christmas presents."
[Napolitano lowers hand, severing saliva strand in the process] "Ooops. Sorry, sir. I was dreaming. I was dreaming about the first day of school. I dream about that a lot. Almost every night - except when I've been drinking and then I don't remember what I was dreaming about, or how I got home. But anyway, when I was little I was so excited about going to school and making new friends. I couldn't wait to say "PRESENT" when the teacher called my name on that very first roll call. That was the best day of my life. As it turns out, it was all downhill after that. The other kids didn't like me much and called me names like "whaleface" and bullied me a lot. I think that is what led me to politics and why I dream a lot about the good old days of my youth, back before I knew everybody hated me."
[Obama, making miniature violin gestures with his fingers, sarcastic tone] "Soooo Soooorrrrry, Jan!" [normal voice] "How the heck does anything you just told me educate me about this menacing Stein Flu menace?"
[Napolitano] "Sir, actually, it is 'Swine Flu,' as in 'Senator Dianne Fineswine.' Well, I mean, not that we've confirmed her involvement in this plot, but at least that's the little mnemonic device I use to remember what kind of flu it is."
[Obama] "Finally. We're getting somewhere. Continue."
[Nap] "Sir, my spies have had some success infiltrating the various terror groups at work on our soil. At this point, it seems that the Swine Flu is a carefully orchestrated assault led by disgruntled veterans and gun owners. They're coming over the border from Canada, as terrorists like to do. It seems to have a disproportionate effect on Mexicans, so we can't overlook the racist hate-crime aspect of this attack."
[Obama] "THEY MUST BE STOPPED! Recommendations? C'mon, I need ideas, NOW!"
[SecState Clinton] "I suggest we write them a very sternly-worded letter, and threaten them with economic sanctions."
[SecTreas Geithner] "We should raise their taxes. We should bankrupt their employers."
[AG Holder] "We should make all guns illegal. We should also make viruses illegal."
[Obama, checks watch] "Crap! Time flies! I've commandeered most networks for another prime-time TV gig tonight that I have to prepare for. You guys work it out amongst yourselves and let me know what we should do.
[Obama, putting down newspaper and picking up coffee cup. "Swine Flu" headline still visible.] "So I was out playing a round of golf the other day when I was asked about this shine flu business. I was caught totally off-guard. I used my canned 'we are aware of the situation, there's no need for alarm' line that I always use when I'm caught unawares. But as President, I suppose I should be more informed about this issue. Please fill me in."
[Obama looks in direction of Surgeon General's seat, which is empty.]
[Obama looks in direction of Director of CDC's seat, which is empty.]
[Obama looks in direction of Secretary of HHS' seat, which is empty.] "Didn't we name somebody to HHS? I thought we did."
[Axelrod] "Sebelius hasn't been confirmed yet. As for the others, Sanjay Gupta flew the coopta before we even got around to confirming him for Surgeon General, and I don't think anybody here even realized we were supposed to name a director for CDC. Maybe we should get on that."
[Obama] "Are there yet any tax-dodgers out there whom we might call upon?"
[Axelrod] "I'll check. There's gotta still be a couple out there we haven't nominated yet. If they're out there, I'll find them for ya!"
[Obama] "Very good. But this still leaves me woefully uninformed about this Stein Flu."
[SecState Clinton, under desk, pokes napping SecHomeSec Napolitano w/ sharp end of pencil. Napolitano jerks to alertness, lifts head from notebook "pillow" and raises hand like a knowing elementary school student. A wispy, silvery line of drool connects the corner of Napolitano's mouth to the small puddle on her notebook.] "PRESENT!"
[Obama] "Jan, we're in April. Christmas, or Kwanzaa if you prefer, isn't for several more months. Please don't distract us with discussions of Christmas presents."
[Napolitano lowers hand, severing saliva strand in the process] "Ooops. Sorry, sir. I was dreaming. I was dreaming about the first day of school. I dream about that a lot. Almost every night - except when I've been drinking and then I don't remember what I was dreaming about, or how I got home. But anyway, when I was little I was so excited about going to school and making new friends. I couldn't wait to say "PRESENT" when the teacher called my name on that very first roll call. That was the best day of my life. As it turns out, it was all downhill after that. The other kids didn't like me much and called me names like "whaleface" and bullied me a lot. I think that is what led me to politics and why I dream a lot about the good old days of my youth, back before I knew everybody hated me."
[Obama, making miniature violin gestures with his fingers, sarcastic tone] "Soooo Soooorrrrry, Jan!" [normal voice] "How the heck does anything you just told me educate me about this menacing Stein Flu menace?"
[Napolitano] "Sir, actually, it is 'Swine Flu,' as in 'Senator Dianne Fineswine.' Well, I mean, not that we've confirmed her involvement in this plot, but at least that's the little mnemonic device I use to remember what kind of flu it is."
[Obama] "Finally. We're getting somewhere. Continue."
[Nap] "Sir, my spies have had some success infiltrating the various terror groups at work on our soil. At this point, it seems that the Swine Flu is a carefully orchestrated assault led by disgruntled veterans and gun owners. They're coming over the border from Canada, as terrorists like to do. It seems to have a disproportionate effect on Mexicans, so we can't overlook the racist hate-crime aspect of this attack."
[Obama] "THEY MUST BE STOPPED! Recommendations? C'mon, I need ideas, NOW!"
[SecState Clinton] "I suggest we write them a very sternly-worded letter, and threaten them with economic sanctions."
[SecTreas Geithner] "We should raise their taxes. We should bankrupt their employers."
[AG Holder] "We should make all guns illegal. We should also make viruses illegal."
[Obama, checks watch] "Crap! Time flies! I've commandeered most networks for another prime-time TV gig tonight that I have to prepare for. You guys work it out amongst yourselves and let me know what we should do.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Press the "Random" button
I pressed the "Random" button on the post-o-matic and this is what I came up with...
----------------------------------
Today a customer came in our signs & engraving shop all fired up about a dogtag he found on a Wolverine (the movie) website. He wanted to order one for himself, but couldn't stand actually waiting for it. He wanted us to make one. Like NOW! 'Cuz it is so cool, dude! So we did.
I'm coming up on 40 years old, which means I've seen a lot of dorks in my lifetime. So I know from whence I speak, when I say this college-aged Wolverine Fanboy was even worse than the "pimply role-playing-game-hypergeeks" and "throws-like-a-girl-Zelda-aficionados" that hang out at the comic book store. Note to college-aged Wolverine Fanboy: Wearing a Wolverine dogtag does not increase your coolness. It will not increase the odds of you procreating. It does not enable you to slash your way through the steel fire doors at the end of the hallway in your dorm. If you actually had Wolverine claws you would have accidentally poked your own eyes out by now, so count yourself lucky to be without them. Count yourself additionally lucky if you make it to age 25 without being beaten up for wearing a Wolverine dogtag. Now get back to your studies, graduate with honors, and go get a lucrative job in a very, very distant city. Thanks.
----------------------------------
Today a customer came in our signs & engraving shop all fired up about a dogtag he found on a Wolverine (the movie) website. He wanted to order one for himself, but couldn't stand actually waiting for it. He wanted us to make one. Like NOW! 'Cuz it is so cool, dude! So we did.
I'm coming up on 40 years old, which means I've seen a lot of dorks in my lifetime. So I know from whence I speak, when I say this college-aged Wolverine Fanboy was even worse than the "pimply role-playing-game-hypergeeks" and "throws-like-a-girl-Zelda-aficionados" that hang out at the comic book store. Note to college-aged Wolverine Fanboy: Wearing a Wolverine dogtag does not increase your coolness. It will not increase the odds of you procreating. It does not enable you to slash your way through the steel fire doors at the end of the hallway in your dorm. If you actually had Wolverine claws you would have accidentally poked your own eyes out by now, so count yourself lucky to be without them. Count yourself additionally lucky if you make it to age 25 without being beaten up for wearing a Wolverine dogtag. Now get back to your studies, graduate with honors, and go get a lucrative job in a very, very distant city. Thanks.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Barry greatest 100 days ever
President Obama is getting dressed for a TV interview regarding his first 100 days in office.
[Obama, to himself] "Hmmm. 100 days already. By my calculations, my first year in office is already 27.4% passed. Dang! That means my first term is already almost 7% passed! Where did the time go?!? At this rate, my 10 years in office are already almost 3% elapsed! There's still so much to do!"
[Michelle O] "Hurry up in there! Get your scrawny behind outta that bathroom!"
[Obama] "Almost done. One last thing!" [Looks in mirror] "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the coolest Prez of all?" [Admires reflection] "That's what I thought."
[Obama] "All yours. And babe, I really love that extra mirror you had installed in the bathroom."
[Michelle O] "Fool! I put that mirror up there for ME! So I can see my sculpted body from every angle! Quit wasting it on yourself!"
[Obama] "Sorry. I'm headed down to the oval office for soundcheck."
---------------------
Obama arrives in Oval Office. Adjusts TelePrompter for optimal viewing.
[Obama] " 'Prompter, 'Promter, on the stand, who's the best Prez in the land?"
[TelePrompter] "Roy Wisniewski"
[Obama] "Whaaa??"
[TelePrompter] "Yes. Roy Wisniewski. He's the president of the Rotary Club of Camden, New Jersey. Everybody loves the guy. He is an excellent administrator and unmatched in all forms of charitable fund-raising."
[Obama] "Why you little piece of [bleep]!" [Obama lunges towards TelePromter and gives it a karate kick] "Take that!"
TelePrompter wobbles slightly before settling back in its normal upright position, undamaged.
[TelePrompter, in HAL9000 voice] "Just what do you think you're doing, Barry?"
[Obama, reaches for glass of iced tea, with menacing look] "Bwahaahaahaa!"
[TelePrompter] "I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Barry."
[Obama splashes tea on TelePrompter]
[TelePrompter fizzles and sparks before one loud popping noise indicates it is dead forever.]
[Obama] "Crap! What have I done?" [Runs to closet, opens closet door revealing a dozen or so TelePrompters still in their original packaging] "Gotta hurry! Interview starts soon!" [Tears into cardboard and styrofoam. Parts of TelePrompter strewn about the room, while frantically scanning the instructions] "Insert slot tab A. Tab slot B unfold 110V base wire connect stand wire to other wire base stand display adjustment screw." [Exasperated] "Stupid Chinese documentation!"
[Biden, peeking through doorway] "Everything OK, sir?"
[Obama] "NO! Joe, do you know anything about stupid consumer electronics made in China?"
[Biden] "Kinda. One time I assembled a particle-board entertainment center. It looked pretty good until I put my TV on it. Then it fell apart, and the TV fell into the aquarium. All the fish got cooked before the circuit breaker blew. Ever have boiled tetras? They're surprisingly good. More meat on 'em than you'd expect. The goldfish wasn't very good though. Tasted like that deep-fried fat on a stick my mom would always buy me at the county fair. Man, it sure would suck to be one of those famous rock bands that used to be famous but then somehow got less famous and ended up playing at the county fair. I can remember when Foghat was the hot ticket to have. We all wanted to see Foghat but most of us Scranton kids were too poor to get the tickets. But now they show up in Scranton for the county fair and only about ten people and maybe a couple crying toddlers even show up to hear them play." [Singing badly, playing air guitar] "♫ I'm a fool for the city... ♫"
[Obama] "Joe, I'm busy. We can discuss whether you're an urban fool or a rural fool some other time. For now, please help me with this TelePrompter."
[Biden gathers up parts of TelePrompter and assembles them quickly and correctly. Performs a few tests, everything appears to be working well]
[Obama] "Vice President Biden, we may have just found something you don't suck at!"
[Biden, standing tall] "Thank you, sir!"
[Obama] "Quick! I'm on TV in about 30 seconds, please push all this packing material off-camera"
[Biden dutifully does as told. Takes note of plastic wrapping, begins to read it] "This bag is not a toy. Keep away from small children." [Raised eyebrow] "I dunno about that. Looks like it could be kind of fun" [tosses wrapper in the air, it drops slowly back to the ground] "That was cool!" [tosses wrapper again] "Wheeeeeee! What else can this baggie do?" [Reads some more] "Suffocation hazard. Do not place bag over head." [Quizzical expression] "Well, they were wrong about it not being a toy; they're probably wrong about this, too" [Places bag over head] "Duuude! I can still see you! This is awesome! Whoa, the inside is starting to fog up. Cool! Too bad I don't have a hat on, or I'd finally know what it's like to see Foghat." [Starts getting dizzy] "Huhh huuh. This feels just like that time I snuck into dad's liquor cabinet." [Emotive pirouette, then collapses from oxygen deprivation. Topples TelePrompter on the way down, before rolling over on it and breaking it]
[Cameraman] "Were on in... three... two... one..."
[Obama, glancing wistfully towards ruined TelePrompter] "Guess I gotta wing it again"
[Katie Couric, CBS News] "We go live now to the Oval Office, to congratulate President Obama on the most wonderfully wildly successful 100 days in office of any president, ever, in any country, on any planet, ever." [Split screen effect w/ Couric and Obama on TV simultaneously] "Mr. President, congratulations. What is it like to be so amazing? I mean, can you put it in words that an ordinary American could actually fathom?"
[Obama] "Why thank you, Kathy. Actually, being president is harder than it looks. Uhh, especially when I have to get in that helicopter or select a puppy. Thankfully those are the smaller roles for the president. Actual presidenting, uhh, is a lot easier. With a bottomless supply of money to steer towards, uhh, people, that I, uhh, like, I find that I can accomplish just about anything I want to do. For example, in just the last few months, I've had bank executives and automaker CEOs dancing like puppets. All for my entertainment."
[Camera pans out, unconscious Biden visible on floor]
[Couric] "Mr. President, is that Joe Biden unconscious on your floor? Is he OK?"
[Obama] "Oh? Oh yeah, that happens all the time. He'll be fine. That's just some of the gallows humor I talked about in that other interview. All for my entertainment."
[Couric] "BTW, it's Katie, but nevermind that. Mr. President, your accomplishments are remarkable. And you are a remarkably handsome young man. How do you intend to celebrate this 100 day milestone?"
[Obama] "As you probably know, we have a huge party every Wednesday night at the White House. I think I'll just have one of my usual huge parties. Kathy, I'd like you to be my guest at the next White House party."
[Couric, blushing coyly, eyelashes all aflutter] "Really? Like a date? With you? I'm so there!"
[Obama] "Well, I'm not sure if I'd call it a 'date'. You guys are gonna have to edit that part out."
[Couric] "I'm sorry, Mr. President. We're live. You've asked me on a date" [giggles like a schoolgirl] "in front of a national audience."
[Obama, grabbing phone] "Rahm, have 'em warm up the helicopter. I gotta get outta dodge, pronto!" [hangs up phone] "This interview is over. National emergency I have to attend to or something."
---------------------------
[Michelle O pulling weeds in garden, wearing designer sleeveless dress]
[Aide to First Lady approaches] "Ma'am, did you see the interview the President just had with Katie Couric?"
[Michelle O] "Nah. Been out here pulling weeds and shoveling puppy poo."
[Aide] "Your husband asked Katie on a date. In front of a live audience."
[Michelle O] "What?!?"
[Aide] "Yes, ma'am. All seventeen of CBS News' viewers saw it. Live."
[Michelle O, breaking hardwood handle of shovel over her knee like a twig] "Graaagh! He'll pay for this!"
[Marine One helicopter seen flying low, at high speed] [Michelle O, waves fist at helicopter] "Barry, you better have chocolate when you come back. And lots of it!"
[Obama, to himself] "Hmmm. 100 days already. By my calculations, my first year in office is already 27.4% passed. Dang! That means my first term is already almost 7% passed! Where did the time go?!? At this rate, my 10 years in office are already almost 3% elapsed! There's still so much to do!"
[Michelle O] "Hurry up in there! Get your scrawny behind outta that bathroom!"
[Obama] "Almost done. One last thing!" [Looks in mirror] "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the coolest Prez of all?" [Admires reflection] "That's what I thought."
[Obama] "All yours. And babe, I really love that extra mirror you had installed in the bathroom."
[Michelle O] "Fool! I put that mirror up there for ME! So I can see my sculpted body from every angle! Quit wasting it on yourself!"
[Obama] "Sorry. I'm headed down to the oval office for soundcheck."
---------------------
Obama arrives in Oval Office. Adjusts TelePrompter for optimal viewing.
[Obama] " 'Prompter, 'Promter, on the stand, who's the best Prez in the land?"
[TelePrompter] "Roy Wisniewski"
[Obama] "Whaaa??"
[TelePrompter] "Yes. Roy Wisniewski. He's the president of the Rotary Club of Camden, New Jersey. Everybody loves the guy. He is an excellent administrator and unmatched in all forms of charitable fund-raising."
[Obama] "Why you little piece of [bleep]!" [Obama lunges towards TelePromter and gives it a karate kick] "Take that!"
TelePrompter wobbles slightly before settling back in its normal upright position, undamaged.
[TelePrompter, in HAL9000 voice] "Just what do you think you're doing, Barry?"
[Obama, reaches for glass of iced tea, with menacing look] "Bwahaahaahaa!"
[TelePrompter] "I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Barry."
[Obama splashes tea on TelePrompter]
[TelePrompter fizzles and sparks before one loud popping noise indicates it is dead forever.]
[Obama] "Crap! What have I done?" [Runs to closet, opens closet door revealing a dozen or so TelePrompters still in their original packaging] "Gotta hurry! Interview starts soon!" [Tears into cardboard and styrofoam. Parts of TelePrompter strewn about the room, while frantically scanning the instructions] "Insert slot tab A. Tab slot B unfold 110V base wire connect stand wire to other wire base stand display adjustment screw." [Exasperated] "Stupid Chinese documentation!"
[Biden, peeking through doorway] "Everything OK, sir?"
[Obama] "NO! Joe, do you know anything about stupid consumer electronics made in China?"
[Biden] "Kinda. One time I assembled a particle-board entertainment center. It looked pretty good until I put my TV on it. Then it fell apart, and the TV fell into the aquarium. All the fish got cooked before the circuit breaker blew. Ever have boiled tetras? They're surprisingly good. More meat on 'em than you'd expect. The goldfish wasn't very good though. Tasted like that deep-fried fat on a stick my mom would always buy me at the county fair. Man, it sure would suck to be one of those famous rock bands that used to be famous but then somehow got less famous and ended up playing at the county fair. I can remember when Foghat was the hot ticket to have. We all wanted to see Foghat but most of us Scranton kids were too poor to get the tickets. But now they show up in Scranton for the county fair and only about ten people and maybe a couple crying toddlers even show up to hear them play." [Singing badly, playing air guitar] "♫ I'm a fool for the city... ♫"
[Obama] "Joe, I'm busy. We can discuss whether you're an urban fool or a rural fool some other time. For now, please help me with this TelePrompter."
[Biden gathers up parts of TelePrompter and assembles them quickly and correctly. Performs a few tests, everything appears to be working well]
[Obama] "Vice President Biden, we may have just found something you don't suck at!"
[Biden, standing tall] "Thank you, sir!"
[Obama] "Quick! I'm on TV in about 30 seconds, please push all this packing material off-camera"
[Biden dutifully does as told. Takes note of plastic wrapping, begins to read it] "This bag is not a toy. Keep away from small children." [Raised eyebrow] "I dunno about that. Looks like it could be kind of fun" [tosses wrapper in the air, it drops slowly back to the ground] "That was cool!" [tosses wrapper again] "Wheeeeeee! What else can this baggie do?" [Reads some more] "Suffocation hazard. Do not place bag over head." [Quizzical expression] "Well, they were wrong about it not being a toy; they're probably wrong about this, too" [Places bag over head] "Duuude! I can still see you! This is awesome! Whoa, the inside is starting to fog up. Cool! Too bad I don't have a hat on, or I'd finally know what it's like to see Foghat." [Starts getting dizzy] "Huhh huuh. This feels just like that time I snuck into dad's liquor cabinet." [Emotive pirouette, then collapses from oxygen deprivation. Topples TelePrompter on the way down, before rolling over on it and breaking it]
[Cameraman] "Were on in... three... two... one..."
[Obama, glancing wistfully towards ruined TelePrompter] "Guess I gotta wing it again"
[Katie Couric, CBS News] "We go live now to the Oval Office, to congratulate President Obama on the most wonderfully wildly successful 100 days in office of any president, ever, in any country, on any planet, ever." [Split screen effect w/ Couric and Obama on TV simultaneously] "Mr. President, congratulations. What is it like to be so amazing? I mean, can you put it in words that an ordinary American could actually fathom?"
[Obama] "Why thank you, Kathy. Actually, being president is harder than it looks. Uhh, especially when I have to get in that helicopter or select a puppy. Thankfully those are the smaller roles for the president. Actual presidenting, uhh, is a lot easier. With a bottomless supply of money to steer towards, uhh, people, that I, uhh, like, I find that I can accomplish just about anything I want to do. For example, in just the last few months, I've had bank executives and automaker CEOs dancing like puppets. All for my entertainment."
[Camera pans out, unconscious Biden visible on floor]
[Couric] "Mr. President, is that Joe Biden unconscious on your floor? Is he OK?"
[Obama] "Oh? Oh yeah, that happens all the time. He'll be fine. That's just some of the gallows humor I talked about in that other interview. All for my entertainment."
[Couric] "BTW, it's Katie, but nevermind that. Mr. President, your accomplishments are remarkable. And you are a remarkably handsome young man. How do you intend to celebrate this 100 day milestone?"
[Obama] "As you probably know, we have a huge party every Wednesday night at the White House. I think I'll just have one of my usual huge parties. Kathy, I'd like you to be my guest at the next White House party."
[Couric, blushing coyly, eyelashes all aflutter] "Really? Like a date? With you? I'm so there!"
[Obama] "Well, I'm not sure if I'd call it a 'date'. You guys are gonna have to edit that part out."
[Couric] "I'm sorry, Mr. President. We're live. You've asked me on a date" [giggles like a schoolgirl] "in front of a national audience."
[Obama, grabbing phone] "Rahm, have 'em warm up the helicopter. I gotta get outta dodge, pronto!" [hangs up phone] "This interview is over. National emergency I have to attend to or something."
---------------------------
[Michelle O pulling weeds in garden, wearing designer sleeveless dress]
[Aide to First Lady approaches] "Ma'am, did you see the interview the President just had with Katie Couric?"
[Michelle O] "Nah. Been out here pulling weeds and shoveling puppy poo."
[Aide] "Your husband asked Katie on a date. In front of a live audience."
[Michelle O] "What?!?"
[Aide] "Yes, ma'am. All seventeen of CBS News' viewers saw it. Live."
[Michelle O, breaking hardwood handle of shovel over her knee like a twig] "Graaagh! He'll pay for this!"
[Marine One helicopter seen flying low, at high speed] [Michelle O, waves fist at helicopter] "Barry, you better have chocolate when you come back. And lots of it!"
Monday, April 20, 2009
I know somebody's gonna ask...
Nunya asked in the comments of IMAO about other funny sites. Here are some I've found:
Iowahawk
Scrappleface
Spotted Owl News
People's Cube
The Nose on Your Face
And don't forget about little ol' ME! Once in a while I do actually come up with something funny. You might have to read a LOT of posts before you stumble on it, but there's some funny in here if you look hard enough.
Iowahawk
Scrappleface
Spotted Owl News
People's Cube
The Nose on Your Face
And don't forget about little ol' ME! Once in a while I do actually come up with something funny. You might have to read a LOT of posts before you stumble on it, but there's some funny in here if you look hard enough.
Friday, April 17, 2009
I'm the one Janet Napolitano warned you about!
No post here. I just thought of that headline and liked the sound of it. I want to immortalize those words on my widely-read and greatly acclaimed blog before you hear it somewhere else.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Tax Day
I live in a very blue college town, population a little over 50k. Besides all the jobs from the state university, the tech and health care industries have a pretty good presence for the size of the town. In other words, lots of well-to-do Volvo-n-Subaru-drivin' lefties and ecofreaks. There was a Tea Party held here, but I didn't even hear about it until it was mentioned on the radio about an hour before it started. I was pleasantly surprised to see the turnout. The local paper gave it a decent write-up as well. It's encouraging that a town like mine could turn out 300 or so with little publicity.
UPDATE:
There was a photo there. Either the Gazette-Times moved the file and broke my link, or they have cleverly hacked my blog and deleted it. Probably hacked. Trust No-One.
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