Friday, September 30, 2011

The funniest thing you ever saw

The funniest thing you ever saw?  No, not this post.  Erm, not even close.  I mean, what is the funniest thing you ever witnessed with your own two eyes?  No TV episodes or whatever.  Like, only things that happened right there in front of you.  I ask, because I've had nothing but a steaming serving of hectic on my plate ever since school started back up.  And hectic isn't even a noun.  I'm frazzled and snappy and generally in no mood to blog lately.  So, I'm hoping that some of ya can share some truly funny things that'll make me stop wanting to blow up the entire universe. 

I'll start. I'll hit ya with the two funniest things I've ever seen.  They're tied for #1.

First of all, there is a nice city park about a block from where I work.  Back in the olden days when I had some time, I'd go there and chill during my lunch hour.  One time in the park there was a little girl, probably about 5, who had a goat.  On a leash.  Yes, a goat on a leash.  The goat was small, so it was either young or some kind of pygmy breed.  Anyway, she was trying to walk the goat.  Goat was having none of it.  Little girl was yanking on the leash and yelling "C'mon!  Walk!  C'mon!  You're making me mad!" and stuff like that.   But the goat just leaned back and resisted her every tug.  This went on for some minutes and was quite hilarious in itself.  But then the goat ran out of patience.  It put its head down and rammed the little girl right in the chest and knocked her totally kaflooey.  Into a mud puddle.  Ha!  I would be world famous if I had put that on YouTube but there was no YouTube at the time so now I'm even more angry.  My best shot at fame and fortune ruined by non-existence of YouTube.  Grrr. 

The other event was more recent.  I was sitting in the car while my wife went inside the 7-11.  Out comes a tall, lanky college kid with a case of cheap 40 ouncers.  He stepped onto his skateboard with one foot.  He lifted the case of bad barley up above his shoulder, with his hand below.  Like how a waiter brings a big tray of food.  He steadied himself.  He adjusted the case of beer.  He steadied himself some more.  He pushed off with his other foot to begin skating.  He made it about 18" before his wheels hit the seam in the concrete sidewalk and FACEPLANT!  Eff-bombs aplenty!  Suds on the sidewalk!  He inspected the case and found about half were broken.  Then he really started rattling off eff-bombs.  Sounded like an auctioneer on amphetamines.  Complete with the dejected fist-waving air-punches of raw anger.  I could not stifle my laughter.  He gave me the stinkeye but I didn't care.  It was awesome.  YouTube existed at that time.  I could have been famous and had millions of views.  But I didn't have a camera with me and I probably wouldn't have thought to record the event anyway.  Fame continues to elude me.

By now you've probably noticed that all the things I enjoy most are based on another person's misery.  I'm not sure what that says about me.  Nothing good, no doubt.  But I don't care.  They were funny events.  Ha!

Your turn.


**UPDATE:

This is working pretty well.  Good stuff in the comments.  Already, I feel a little less like blowing up the universe.  Six's comment reminds me of another story.  But I didn't see it first hand.  Fortunately (unfortunately?) it happened to a former co-worker...

Back in '96 we had our "hundred year flood."  It was pretty crazy.  We all decided to end the workday early and head home before we got stranded, 'cuz the authorities were talking about closing some bridges.  One guy lived out in the country south of town, which is all just really level farm and pasture land.  Basically, it looked like one giant lake and it wasn't real clear where the roadway was.  He was carefully heading south, but the water was getting deeper and he started to worry that even in his lifted Toyota 4x4 truck he might stall out.  So he tried to flip a U-turn.  As I mentioned, it was REAL HARD to know where the road was.  He got a little off and the truck went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out.  So there he was, sitting in his dead truck, not knowing what to do, when a Benton County Sheriff Deputy rolls up.  He explained what happened and the deputy laid into him rudely "How stupid does a guy have to be to drive right off the road?  I can't believe this.  People as dumb as you shouldn't even have a license!"  Etc, etc.  "Now I can't continue my patrol because I've got a brainless dumbass blocking the road in his stalled-out truck."  So the deputy tried to flip a u-turn and head back toward town.  Deputy got a little off and his Crown Vic went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out.  A few days later when things were dried out enough to come back to work, co-worker reported that "the cost of calling a tow truck was worth it just for the laughs I got when that sheriff stalled in the water!!"

21 comments:

  1. I lmao So I must be like you.

    Thanks for sharing your funny stories.

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  2. I have so many. Here's one from my days as a blue suiter.
    So it's Saturday night in Monterey. Every year the Moto GP races at Laguna Seca attract thousands of bikers. Most of them attend a big motorcycle show on Cannery Row. Thousands of folks and many hundreds of motorcycles. We're there, hanging out and making sure no one gets too rowdy. There's 5 of us, all on our police motorcycles. Now, here's something to important. The old Kawasaki police motorcycles were a bit cold blooded. Took a second or two to get them settled down if they'd been sitting for more than an hour. Our job was to see and be seen so we're there all night.
    One of the guys (NOT me) decided it was time for a dinner break. He jumps on, fires it up and decides to show off just a little. Those bikes had footboards, not pegs. You could lean them way over, even at slow speeds, and drag the footboards on the asphalt. Sparks and sound, it was bitchin' man. Of course he forgot all about that whole warm up thing. He pulled out, did a bitchin' board drag turn and promptly dumped the bike. Another quirk of that particular bike; when you dropped it, it puked gas from the carbs. Also it takes a second or two to get it re-fired. He sat there, struggling to get it going again and trying valiantly to ignore thousands of people hollering, laughing and hooting. Especially from his 4 friends :). Got it fired up, took a second to let it even out and took off again. Problem. He totally missed the puddle of gas on the road and promptly dumped the bike again. Can you say "And The Crowd Goes Wild"? This time he managed to throw it about 50 feet down the street accompanied by a shower of sparks and miscellaneous flying motorcycle parts. Now dejected and thoroughly cowed, he made his way slowly back to the bike, accompanied by cat calls and offers to teach him how to ride a motorcycle from the friendly folks. He managed to pick it up, get it started again and slowly motor away. He didn't return the rest of the night. One of the funniest things I've ever seen though, if you ask nicely, I'll tell some on myself.
    There must be video of this incident out there somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Last October we were in the Queen Anne Hill section of Seattle, driving along minding our own business. I spotted some movement up ahead on the left sidewalk behind a beverage delivery truck. Suddenly a young man came around the front of the truck and tore across the street on the other side of the intersection. It appeared he'd helped himself to a case of beer from the truck.
    All he accomplished by running was to draw attention to himself. As he finished crossing the intersection two police officers stopped him.

    There probably have been some other incidents, but for the life of me I can't think of one at the moment.

    v-word = shill ...really?

    ReplyDelete
  4. A woman was at the Self-Check at Wal-Mart last week. I could not help but notice that she had done an amazing job of taking care of the body God had given her. In fact, she displayed her amazing breasts so all could see. One thing that was kind of unusual, though, was that she had a cell phone (smart phone?) strapped on the side of one of her breasts. Just as I noticed that, it rang. I started to say, "I'll get it!" but I only got out the "I'll" then stopped myself. I was so proud of my self control, but both she and I laughed.

    ReplyDelete
  5. stopsign - happy to share

    Six - Excellent! You remind me of another story which I think I'll add to the original post.

    Skip - Ha! Least he got a block's worth of exercise before his ride to the pokey.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Bob - Nice! That's some quick thinking *and* restraint. Usually I have the former but lack the latter.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Got a couple,,,,

    When my recently 'retired' Bailey Dawg was in her prime she was quite the athlete in flying high to catch a ball in mid-air usually bounced off our garage roof.

    Well one summer day I, my Wife, our then 5-year old daughter Katie and Bailey Dawg were enjoying the day. I tossed a ball off the roof for Bailey and like clockwork she watched, ran and flew. At the same moment Katie came running from the other direction,,,and COLLISION! Bailey came down right on top of Katie!

    Before all the motion stopped (it seemed to last forever) my wife and I were up and running but stopped,,Katie and Bailey were just sitting there looking at each other in puzzlement. I counted to three and it started,,,WAAAAAAAGH from Katie and Bailey took off like a bat outta hell.

    Ten minutes later Katie ran over to Bailey kissing and hugging her and Bailey returned the kisses.

    Mind you both were just fine, not even a scratch but to this day my wife and I LOL at that scene of course knowing Katie was not injured.

    -----------

    Now my other involves my Dad. He was one that did not put up with bullshit,,, from anyone. Anyone who knew him, knew this. Not boasting but some background on my Dad; Irish heritage, Amateur Hockey player and Boxer and left the U.S Army as Master Sergeant.

    Well one night a party was going on down the street and two guys were making some noise in our front yard. Turns out one decided to "relieve himself" on our driveway,,,bad move.

    My Dad promptly confronted this individual and told him to clean it up,,lol. This did not go over well with the urinator and he decided to take a swing,,bad move #2. My Dad gave him an upper-cut that seemingly, in the pale moonlight, had this dude hovering flat out in mid-air for a minute before crashing to the cement!

    Now the urinators buddy took off running before his friend came too (that took a splash of water) and before he could find his legs he was once again reminded by my Dad of what he was told to do and he refused. This did not sit well with my Dad at all as it was an unacceptable response (call it bad move #3).

    He did indeed clean it up, with his face!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'll keep it short...

    The way Chipotle designs their restaurants, sometimes its hard to tell a door from a window. You can order a 1500 calorie burrito, and burn a good portion of that off laughing at the people accidently trying to push a window open.

    I laughed at them, in their little confused world...and then I did it at another location...in front of my family...who then burned some calories.

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  9. Nothing is funny at the moment, given as how I'm only half-way into my first cup. But I might be back later with sumthin'.

    PS: Good story, Six!

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  10. How come you can't recall the really good ones on demand? Here's something that amuses me -- we often indulge in pizza delivery on the weekend, and our Bouie really likes pizza crust. He's very helpful that way. Our front gate stays locked because it won't stay closed unless it's locked. I know, PITA, right? Anyway, pizza delivery guy has to call us to come unlock the gate when he gets there. Bouie has learned to associate ringing phone at 7:00 or 8:00 with tasty pizza crust, so now, every time the phone rings in that time frame, he barks like mad while dashing to the front door. It usually cracks me up. But sometimes, like when I'd actually like to hear the person on the other end, it really annoys me. Oops. I guess that doesn't help you not want to blow up the world. Sorry.

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  11. And, then there's that old dude I saw the other day walking his foo-foo poodle on a rhinestone-bedazzled leash while wearing a spandex unitard, flowing red satin cape, and Robin Hood-type felt hat.

    But, then, that happened in New Orleans, so maybe it wasn't so unusual.

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  12. Christopher - I love/hate how little ones take the time to calculate whether something is worth crying over. And my neighborhood could use more people like your dad.

    Race - Hey, I think that makes you qualified for president.
    Bannon 2012!

    Buck - Geez, get some caffeine in ya!

    Moogie - I thought the freaks in Oregon were bad, but you have us topped. By a lot.

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  13. Most of the funny things I've seen were actually done by me. Like the time I had a chocolate pudding pack break in pants while playing football. You should have seen the look on my coach's face.

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  14. First time I ever tried to administer a vaccination to a rhino, I made the mistake of going for the shoulder. Skin's really dense and tough, there.

    So much so that instead of penetrating, the needle bent, and I ended up vaccinating my pants.

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  15. Ok, Christopher reminded me of another one.
    It was a very busy night on The Row. We'd had fights, stumbling drunks and one near riot. After one clean up I turned to see a very inebriated man urinating on my partners motorcycle. All over the seat and tank the golden rain flowed. I started to laugh and point. My partner wasn't quite as amused. He started toward the man who, pants still around his knees, broke into a stumbling, shambling drunken half run right toward me. Hey, when you're that drunk anyone might miss a largish motorcycle officer standing in the middle of the pedestrian walkway. I coralled the peepertrator and held him for my partner. He cuffed the guy and walked him back to his motorcycle. When they got there he peeled the guy's shirt down off his shoulders and around his cuffed hands and proceeded to walk him backward around the bike while he wiped the offending liquid off with his shirt. When done he put the man's shirt back on, patted him on the head and had him hauled him off for public intoxication.
    I've been asked several times what the definition of public drunkenness is. This is it.

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  16. These are some great funny stories here.
    Inno, too bad you tube wasn't invented for your first one, that would have been great.

    I know I've seen some super funny ones over the years out partying and such, but I can't recall right now on demand. These days the things that really get me to LOL, literally, is when I play "fetch the mousie" or some other cute little toy, I throw to my kitty.

    She runs so fast after it, and catches it, and does actual summersaults. It's so awesome, she should be an acrobat. One of these days I have to have the cam recording, but of course it's awfully hard to film those great moments.

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  17. Trestin - That is both hilarious and whaaaat?? at the same time

    MAX - Hope it was just the pants and not the leg inside the pants. 'Cuz then we might start calling you a RiNO.

    Six - sponging it up with the peerps own shirt is 10 kinds of awesome

    Bunni - Yep, get out the kittycam. The best I've seen are the ones with a couple feathers at the end of a string on a stick - so it looks like a mini fishing pole with a bird on the end. My old roommate's cat would go bonkers over that one.

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  18. @ Six, LOL!

    My Dad would have loved to see that and even taken over "the operation" for your partner so that he might stay out of trouble,,,and of course for exercise,,,lol!

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  19. Inno,

    By the by, GREAT IDEA! I needed some laughter and smiles and you provided a forum for all of us to share just that!

    Peace and much laughter to ALL!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dumb ass sheriff.

    I don't have any funny stories. I should. Living in Manhattan lots of leftards which means lots of potential comedy.

    But being vampires the leftards only come out at night.

    Oh, and go Yankees. (Even though I expect them to lose in 4 to the Tigers.)

    ReplyDelete
  21. o yay upbeat post Inno..need that..will bet back to ya on the funnies!!

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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