The funniest thing you ever saw? No, not this post. Erm, not even close. I mean, what is the funniest thing you ever witnessed with your own two eyes? No TV episodes or whatever. Like, only things that happened right there in front of you. I ask, because I've had nothing but a steaming serving of hectic on my plate ever since school started back up. And hectic isn't even a noun. I'm frazzled and snappy and generally in no mood to blog lately. So, I'm hoping that some of ya can share some truly funny things that'll make me stop wanting to blow up the entire universe.
I'll start. I'll hit ya with the two funniest things I've ever seen. They're tied for #1.
First of all, there is a nice city park about a block from where I work. Back in the olden days when I had some time, I'd go there and chill during my lunch hour. One time in the park there was a little girl, probably about 5, who had a goat. On a leash. Yes, a goat on a leash. The goat was small, so it was either young or some kind of pygmy breed. Anyway, she was trying to walk the goat. Goat was having none of it. Little girl was yanking on the leash and yelling "C'mon! Walk! C'mon! You're making me mad!" and stuff like that. But the goat just leaned back and resisted her every tug. This went on for some minutes and was quite hilarious in itself. But then the goat ran out of patience. It put its head down and rammed the little girl right in the chest and knocked her totally kaflooey. Into a mud puddle. Ha! I would be world famous if I had put that on YouTube but there was no YouTube at the time so now I'm even more angry. My best shot at fame and fortune ruined by non-existence of YouTube. Grrr.
The other event was more recent. I was sitting in the car while my wife went inside the 7-11. Out comes a tall, lanky college kid with a case of cheap 40 ouncers. He stepped onto his skateboard with one foot. He lifted the case of bad barley up above his shoulder, with his hand below. Like how a waiter brings a big tray of food. He steadied himself. He adjusted the case of beer. He steadied himself some more. He pushed off with his other foot to begin skating. He made it about 18" before his wheels hit the seam in the concrete sidewalk and FACEPLANT! Eff-bombs aplenty! Suds on the sidewalk! He inspected the case and found about half were broken. Then he really started rattling off eff-bombs. Sounded like an auctioneer on amphetamines. Complete with the dejected fist-waving air-punches of raw anger. I could not stifle my laughter. He gave me the stinkeye but I didn't care. It was awesome. YouTube existed at that time. I could have been famous and had millions of views. But I didn't have a camera with me and I probably wouldn't have thought to record the event anyway. Fame continues to elude me.
By now you've probably noticed that all the things I enjoy most are based on another person's misery. I'm not sure what that says about me. Nothing good, no doubt. But I don't care. They were funny events. Ha!
This is working pretty well. Good stuff in the comments. Already, I feel a little less like blowing up the universe. Six's comment reminds me of another story. But I didn't see it first hand. Fortunately (unfortunately?) it happened to a former co-worker...
Back in '96 we had our "hundred year flood." It was pretty crazy. We all decided to end the workday early and head home before we got stranded, 'cuz the authorities were talking about closing some bridges. One guy lived out in the country south of town, which is all just really level farm and pasture land. Basically, it looked like one giant lake and it wasn't real clear where the roadway was. He was carefully heading south, but the water was getting deeper and he started to worry that even in his lifted Toyota 4x4 truck he might stall out. So he tried to flip a U-turn. As I mentioned, it was REAL HARD to know where the road was. He got a little off and the truck went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out. So there he was, sitting in his dead truck, not knowing what to do, when a Benton County Sheriff Deputy rolls up. He explained what happened and the deputy laid into him rudely "How stupid does a guy have to be to drive right off the road? I can't believe this. People as dumb as you shouldn't even have a license!" Etc, etc. "Now I can't continue my patrol because I've got a brainless dumbass blocking the road in his stalled-out truck." So the deputy tried to flip a u-turn and head back toward town. Deputy got a little off and his Crown Vic went down the shoulder into deeper water and stalled out. A few days later when things were dried out enough to come back to work, co-worker reported that "the cost of calling a tow truck was worth it just for the laughs I got when that sheriff stalled in the water!!"