Friday, September 9, 2011

Barry big problems need solving: the ongoing saga

Governor Palin rides her modified snowmachine across the plains of the Upper Midwest, toward that familiar landmark.  She finds Governor Perry some distance away, looking disoriented.

[Governor Perry] "Hello, Sarah.  What's going on?  Why am I here?"

[Palin] "The Elders have summoned you subliminally.  It is good that you have responded.  Now, help me find the trap door."

[Perry] "Trap door?"

[Palin] "Yes.  There is a secret meeting place far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore."

[Perry] "Is this another one of your media events?  A reality show?"

[Palin] "No.  Yay!  I found the door.  Now follow me."

The trapdoor is lifted, revealing a narrow stairway that descends into complete darkness.  The two begin their downward climb.

[Perry, flipping open his cell phone] "You've been here before?"

[Palin] "You betcha."

[Perry] "Then why didn't you think to bring a couple flashlights?  It's darker than Cheney's soul at midnight down here."

[Palin, playfully] "Scared?"

[Perry] "No.  Cthulhu has nightmares about me.  But how far down do these stairs go?  The only question I have is when we'll get to the bottom.  It's like waiting for you to decide whether to announce your candidacy or not."

[Palin] "Har har.  We're almost there...  OK... Yeppers.  Here's the puzzle door."

[Perry, reading the ancient runes] "Speak 'friend' and enter.  Hmmm.  OK, 'FRIEND!' "

Nothing happens.  Perry unholsters his .88 Magnum and takes aim at the door.  "I'm feeling a little crabby about Mitt bein' a lyin' punk 'bout my position on Social Security.  Plus, I really don't have time for nonsense while my home state is on fire.  So, door, ya got 3 seconds to open b'fore I waste ya."

[Palin] "Wait!  I tried the same thing.  It doesn't work.  'Friend and enter!' "

The door creaks open to reveal the secret conservative citadel far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore.  The deceased Bill Casey, Dick Cheney, Fred Thompson and Chuck Norris are seated around an ancient stone table.  Three seats remain empty.

[Palin] "Watch your head, the passage is kinda low."

[Perry] "My hair will protect me.  It ain't bulletproof, but it will turn a Comanche war axe."

[Palin] "Wow."

[Perry] "Yeah, when I was younger I dared this Comanche to hit me with his axe.  The blade was never quite the same after that."

[Cheney] "About friggin' time!  Now all we need is Jindal to show up."

[Jindal] "I'm right here."

[Cheney] "Right where?"

[Jindal] "From your position, I am on a heading of 254o and approximately 2.73 meters away."

[Cheney, impersonating Ripley from Aliens] "That can't be right!  That's right here inside the room!"

[Jindal, removing magic ring] "One day during the gulf oil spill, I was out on the beach playing with a tarball when I found this ring.  I put it on, and it made me invisible.  I haven't taken it off since."

[Casey] "Ah, that explains a lot."

[Perry, to Casey] "I thought you were dead."

[Casey, aside to audience] "Do we reallllly have to explain that during every episode?"

[Casey] "Governor Perry, you are here for a very important purpose.  You might be the one that the prophecy speaks of.  The one who will restore balance to the right/left continuum.  But first you must pass some tests."

[Perry] "Y'all have seen my grades.  You might say 'I don't test well' or something."

[Casey] "Not that kind of test.  We need to find out if you are conservative enough to inherit the mantle of The Reagan and counterbalance the millions of mess-in-their-drawers moonbat proglodytes out there who want to destroy America."

[Perry] "Now we're talkin'."

[Casey] "Mr. Cheney, your question."

[Cheney] "Governor, while it is still just the beginning phases of the campaign season, you are already butting heads with Mitt Romney.  Assuming you win the nomination, how will you patch things up?  How will you keep from alienating Mr. Romney's supporters?"

[Perry] "I know a real good taxidermist.  He can put a couple longhorns on the side of Mitt's head, which I'll then mount on the hood of m' truck.  Then I'll tell people "Mitt is out front, leadin' the way and I'm right behind him."

[Cheney laughs]

[Fred Thompson] "Tell us about you 2nd Amendment position, including hunters' rights."

[Perry] "I'll take any one of ya bird huntin' right now if you care to step outside."

[Cheney, belly laugh]

[Perry] "And I don't need no 12ga.  I can feed a family of 10 all the bird they can eat, and all I need is a stick of juicy fruit and a flyswatter."

[Thompson] "OK, I can kinda/sorta see how a flyswatter may apply, but I don't get the chewing gum thing."

[Perry] "Gum?  Naw.  'Stick of juicy fruit' means 'fat homo tied to a pole' where I come from.  'Cept maybe in Austin.  The usual Texas rules don't seem to apply 'round there.  The fat homo will shriek and flail his arms and pretty much act like a real believable scarecrow, sending the birds my way.  Which I then catch in my bare hands."

[Thompson] "And the flyswatter?"

[Perry] "Umm... for shoo-in' away flies.  Hello?  Are y'all totally ign'ant?"

[Cheney, still laughing.  Getting the uncontrollable tee-hees] "Ah ha ha ha ha.  Aw crap, chest pains! Ha ha" [begins punching self in chest] "C'mon, ticker!  Don't ha fail ha me ha now!  OK, a little" [losing consciousness] ""

Chuck Norris springs into action.  Briefly.  Then collapses in a pain-ridden heap on the cold, stony floor.  A trio of Sports & Exercise Science majors arrive with a 5 gallon bucket of Icy Hot and an airless paint sprayer.  They quickly apply a generous coat of the liniment to the writhing Norris.

[Chuck, doing one of those reverse handspring things, landing on his feet] "Much better!  Thank you!" [performs spinning double-axle upside-down backfist with a cherry on top, right on Cheney's sternum]

[Cheney awakens]

[Jindal] "Are you OK????"

[Cheney] "The heart ain't working right, but my blood is still moving at about 300mph so I should be alright for a while."

[Jindal] "Governor Perry, as President, how would you encourage job creation?"

[Perry] "Ain't ya a little young to be counted among the Elders?"

[Jindal] "Well, it's kind of a long story..."

[Perry] "Anyway, I'd tell Big Oil 'here is your danged drilling permit.  You have 20 minutes to start pulling crude outta that hole, or I'll kick ya so hard your proctologist will be able to identify what species of snake my snakeskin boots are made of, based only on the boot-burn I leave on you bottom.' "

[Casey, Palin, Jindal, Cheney and Thompson all nod in agreement] [together] "I think we have a winner!"


  1. I've said it before. I'll say it again: WHO IS YOUR SOURCE? Or are you one of the elders?

  2. Sir, you are a genius. Thanks for the big laughs!

  3. Ah.

    Now it's been explained to my satisfaction.

  4. Wait... Why is Bobby one of the Elders? When will Perry get his power sword and green tiger?

  5. Personally, I don't buy it. For real credibility, somebody needs to be dressed in a tiger suit.

  6. I somehow missed the trapdoor when I went to Rushmore and now I'm PISSED.

  7. Romney on front of the truck...good thing I wasn't drinking anything when I read that. Hilarious.
    I'm adding you to my blog roll. Gotta keep up with the saga.

  8. But, where was The Donald?

    Good one.

    I am only disappointed that you didn't mention the coyote that ol' Rick shooted while out on a jog.

    The rest is straight out of the dream blog're an awesomely twisted individual, and I'm glad you're on our side!


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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