Friday, May 29, 2009

Ponder this!

Sorry. Slammed at work lately, not much time to post. In the meantime, consider this comment recently left in the old Cheney Cloning post.

I know I should be worried by this. But I'm at a loss as to what form of worry would be most appropriate.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I feel dirty

I'm in the middle of engraving three awards for the Benton County Democrats. I don't like the Benton County Democrats. I don't like their hippie-dippy fused glass awards. Maybe I should scratch them all up and then say "sorry, that's how they looked when I got them." I don't like the typestyles they selected. The brass/glass/wood thing just doesn't have the right vibe. You'd think these dorky liberal Art History majors and Feng Shui practitioners would have a little better sense of aesthetics. The whole thing is unpleasant in the extreme, and I worry that I'll break out in hives before the project is completed. It bothers me that some stupid democrats are going to be at some stupid democrat banquet to receive these stupid democrat awards that I've had to engrave. I fear that they may actually cherish these awards and display them proudly. These awards may trigger conversations between democrats like

"Nice award! What'd you do to earn that?"

"Well, I spit on a veteran, fought to have 'Christmas Break' be renamed 'Winter Holiday Break' and I live on welfare."

"Great job! I want one of those awards, too! I think I'll burn a flag or two, then register a bunch of dead people to vote."

In other words, my precious skills and talents are actually being used to make democrats happy. I feel dirty.

Cataclysmic California Quake narrowly averted

No, silly - it's not because their budget is so whacked they can't afford it. It's because Prop 8 was upheld today. There will be no gay marriage in California! The whole "gay marriage" thing is a contradiction in terms. We make a mistake by even using their terminology. "Gay marriage" is like a "feline dog" or "sensible liberal" - there ain't no such thing.

Sing it with me! (To the tune of the theme from Married With Children)

Gay and Marriage, Gay and Marriage
Go together like Kites and Cabbage!
Let me tell you, brother -
Whichever sex you are, wed the OTHER!

So, if you bought oceanfront property in western Arizona thinking that California was about to be judged and cast into the sea, you'll have to wait a bit longer.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Barry secret bunker

US Naval Observatory - the Vice President's Residence. VP Biden is restless and having trouble sleeping. Very faint, almost inaudible voices are heard murmuring in the background.

[Biden, to himself] "Oh, not again! [to nobody in particular] "I know you're in here. I'm gonna getcha this time! I bet it's you, Cheney! You think I didn't notice that you only gave us one set of keys when we moved in? You think I'm too stupid to figure out that you kept a set, and you're breaking into my house in the middle of the night? Well, this time, you're in big trouble!" [Fetches little-used lacrosse stick that he used in college. OK, would have used in college, if his coach had ever decided to actually put him in a game.]

[Biden swinging stick menacingly, trying to sound self-confident] "Ready or not, Here I Come!"

[Traverses the house, going room to room] "AHA!" [Leaps through doorway, swings at his own shadow, startling the family cat]

[family cat] "MREEEWOWWW!" [cat flees]

[Biden] "Dang!"

The search nearly completed, VP Biden approaches the library at the end of the hall. The voices seem oh-so-slightly louder.

[Biden, nervous but trying to sound tough] "I'm getting warmer!" [Reaches around corner to flick light switch, steeling himself for the dramatic confrontation...]

The lights come on, and Biden finds the room unoccupied and nearly barren. One shelf has a few of Cheney's personal books left on it, which were overlooked during the move-out.

[Biden, examining books, to himself] "Wealth of Nations? Never heard of it. Atlas Shrugged? Well, shrugs are pretty good for the shoulder muscles after all." [Spots autographed hardbound copy of Clancy's Clear & Present Danger] "I gotta get rid of all Cheney's junk and get some decent books in my library! My friends would puke if they saw this stuff!"

As the VP picks up the Clancy novel, the bookshelf silently glides 3 feet to the right, revealing a dark passage.

[Biden] "Whoa!" [puts book back on shelf, bookcase silently glides back to its original location, concealing the tunnel]

[Biden] "Duuuuude!" [retrieves book again to open the tunnel and proceeds into the darkness, lacrosse stick held ready to strike. The voices become more distinguishable as he makes his way]

Some distance in, VP Biden nears a dimly lit room full of sophisticated electronics. He tiptoes in and lunges to attack the nearest person.

[Biden, yelling as he swings] "Cheney goin' down!"

The shocked female Navy officer, an ensign fresh out of college ROTC, deftly parries the blow and disarms the VP. She brings him to the ground with a vicious judo throw and holds the lacrosse stick over Biden's throat.

[Ensign, realizing who she has captured, releases him and stands at attention] "VP on the deck!"

The other officers turn and snap to attention.

[Biden, coming to his feet] "As you are. Or 'as you were' or whatever it is I'm supposed to say."

[Admiral] "Sorry, sir! You seem to have startled some of our crew! We weren't expecting unannounced visitors. But it is a pleasure to see you, nonetheless."

[Biden, taking in the scene, eyeballing all the communications gear] "So THIS is the secret undisclosed location!"

[Admiral] "Yes, I thought you'd been briefed about this a long time ago. In the event of a clear and present danger to either you or the president, this fortified bunker is your immediate refuge. From here we can command all military and security personnel."

[Biden] "So cool!"

[Admiral] "So grab a cup of coffee and take a look around. Let me know if you have any questions. [Laughing] Of course I don't really need to remind you not to touch anything. But I have to remind you anyway, so please consider yourself reminded."

[Biden, laughing back] "No prob. I recognize all this gear 'cuz I hang out at Radio Shack. A lot. They even send me catalogs in the mail."

[Admiral, patting the VP on the back] "Roger. Enjoy your visit." [Goes back to his duties]

[Biden, marveling at all the switches, succumbs to temptation. He lifts the plexiglass cover over a big red switch and flips it]

A digital display beneath the switch reads:


[Biden, giddy, looks for the right key. Finding it, he gives it a twist.]


[Biden, anxiously, to himself] "Hurry up! 10 seconds has never felt so long! Well, except that time I tried to hold my breath underwater for 10 seconds in the YMCA pool and I almost drowned."

USS Pennsylvania, deep in the waters of the Sea of Japan

[communications] "Conn! Order verified for Operation Delta-Seven!"

[Captain] "Are you sure? Confirm!"

[communications] "Confirmed! Encoded message from Naval Observatory Bunker Alpha!"

[Captain] "Crap! Something horrible must've happened to the mainland!" [hesitates for about one second] "Helm! All ahead, flank speed. Full rise on the dive planes! Bring us up to launch depth, NOW!" [Grabbing PA mike] "Attention! All hands to duty stations. Operation Delta-Seven initiated. This is not a drill! We are at war, and we're going to burn Li'l Kim's playhouse down!"

[Frantic activity throughout the sub as crewmen man their stations and power up critical systems. It looks utterly chaotic to the untrained eye, but is actually smooth and well-rehearsed.]

[sonar] "Conn, sonar! Surface contacts 1 and 2 changing bearing and accelerating. They've heard us!"

[Captain] "Aye, sonar. That's OK. In about 5 minutes when we light up Pyongyang, everybody will know we're here."

[Captain] "Helm, Conn! What's our depth?"

[helm] "Conn, about 200 meters below launch depth"

[Captain] "This is taking too long." [hits intercom button] "Engine room, Conn. Go to 120% on the reactor. Firewall it, lieutenant!!"

[Engine room] "120%? But, sir..."

[Captain] "Don't but me, lieutenant, unless you want to go home in the brig!"

[Captain] "Ops, Conn! Set warheads on 1 and 2 to maximum yield! Flood launch tubes, prepare to launch, on my mark!"

[ops] "Aye!"

[sonar] "Conn, sonar! Surface contact 2 is dropping sonobuoys. They are going active! They know exactly where we are!"

[Captain] "Ignore them 'til we've launched."
Meanwhile, back at Naval Observatory.

[Admiral, looking over VP's shoulder] "So, Mr. Vice President, how do you like your bunke..." [notices display]


[Admiral] "What the heck?!?!......Holy [bleep]!"

[Admiral, grabbing phone and keying a code] "Pennsylvania! Pennsylvania! Belay that order! Stand Down! Repeat, Belay that Order! Stand Down!"
USS Pennsylvania

[communications] "Conn, receiving new orders. Stand down! Stand down!"

[Captain, into PA] "All hands, stand down! Repeat, stand down!"

[Captain, angrily] "Idiots!" "Helm, Conn! Dive! Ahead 3/4. Set a course for the Panama Canal. We're going to DC! I'm gonna find the primitive screwhead that did this to us and yank his spleen out with my bare hands!"

Friday, May 22, 2009

Human Cloning

For most of my life I have thought that cloning humans is a truly evil thing. Right up there with abortion, child molestation and '80s long-haired glam-rockers. Mainly I hate it 'cuz it involves messing with life in ways that Fallen Man Ought Not Do. But also because its main proponents are self-absorbed baby-boomers who like to think this technology will keep them young and healthy right up until the moment their last brain cell dies of disuse.


Former VP Cheney gave this speech the other day. He's been calling out the Obama and Pelosi for quite a while now regarding torture and national security, and they've actually had to modify their positions because of the heat they've gotten from Cheney...

Then Liz Cheney comes out and totally whacks CNN's Anderson Goober like a low-hanging piñata...

Bringing me back around to the topic at hand...

We have a shortage of Cheneys. This superior sub-species of humanity doesn't naturally reproduce quickly enough to keep up with demand. We need a lot more Cheneys. Now. So I'm willing to look the other way while the geneticists cook us up a big batch of Cheneys.

Get to work, you lazy smock-n-goggles-wearing labgeeks!

I wish I knew how to embed audio in blogger. Imperial March from Star Wars would be fitting.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Barry stringent CAFE requirements

Obama and Axelrod in White House media room watching the news.

[Axelrod] " Bams, I am soooo loving this coverage of Pelosi! The republicans are going after her with everything they have. Rightfully so. She's looking pathetic out there, changing her story all the time. Even in the same interview. It reminds me of when Hill choked on the driver's license question back in the debates. That's when you really started to pick up electoral momentum."

[Obama] "Yeah, Ax. I feel like I could get away with just about anything right now. The righties are so worked up about Nan that they wouldn't even notice if I nationalized another industry."

[Axelrod] "True. But still, there's nothing funnier than watching chicks squirm and flip-flop when asked tough questions. That's why there'll never be a chick president."

[Michelle O, in the other room, violently clangs two frying pans together] "I heard that, David!"

[Axelrod, cringing. Apologetic tone, stuttering in fear] "I meant 'n-n-nothing is funnier than watching white chicks squirm when questioned. Yeah, that's it. And that there'll never b-b-be a white chick running the White House.' Seriously. I, I, I'm talking about P-P-Palin. She'd never be able to handle even half the harsh scrutiny the media puts you and your gorgeous arms through!"

[Michelle O] "More like it. Now you're talking sense."

[Obama, quietly] "Nice recovery, Ax. I thought you were a dead man!" [Normal voice] "Heh. Now Boehner's on. He just told Nancy to produce evidence that the CIA lied, or to shut up! This is awesome!"

[Axelrod] "How's she going to spin it now? She's already flip-flopping like some spun-out tweeker getting tazed in the groin!"

[Obama] "K, Ax. While Nan is drawing all the fire, we need to move. Never waste a crisis! Ideas?"

[Axelrod] "You're right. You could burn down an orphanage full of blind kids, and nobody'd notice 'cuz they're all freaked out by having to see Pelosi on TV so much lately. Let's take advantage. There's a voting bloc we haven't done much for yet, and we need to keep them on our side. You should use this period of distraction to arbitrarily jack up the CAFE standards to outrageous levels. That'll make the greens happy for a while."

[Obama] "Darn right! It's just about impossible to get a decent cup of coffee in this stupid town. And everything has WAY too much trans-fat. I'm going to set sky-high CAFE standards on every café in the land!" [Stands up, does brief butter-churn cool-guy dance] "Uh huh, uh huh!"

[Axelrod, rolling eyes] "Great idea, 'Bams! Tax the crud out of any diner that has crummy coffee. But I also think you should jack up the Corporate Average Fleet Efficiency standards."

[Obama, pausing with arms in mid-churn] "Ummmm. Okay. This is where you tell me what the heck you're talking about."

[Axelrod] "Short version: You tell the automakers that all their cars have to get 50% better mileage while putting out 15% less pollution. Even trucks and SUVs. The envirodorks will love you. The oil companies will be mad. Win-win."

[Obama, wringing hands greedily] "Yessssss!" [Paces back-and-forth with evil grin] [Hesitates] "But Americans hate those nerdy little cars. Who will buy them?"

[Axelrod] "Who cares? Imagine: Next time you want to go to the lake there are no rednecks racing around on jetskis! None of the tiny gutless SUVs we're gonna sell will be able to tow a jetski, so there'll be no crowds at the lake!"

[Obama] "Ooooohhh... I like it. But if nobody buys these dumb little cars, what will happen to the automakers?"

[Axelrod] "That's the glory of big labor! The union guys get paid whether they make big cars, little cars, or no cars at all! The UAW will really love you now, since you'll be dramatically reducing their workload! And if everybody's running around getting 50mpg in these little putt-putts, how's that 'Drill, baby, Drill!' gonna sound next time Palin opens her yap? I'm tellin' ya, she'll be toast! Obama 2012!"

[Obama, gazing towards the horizon] "Rahm! Summon the Press Corps! I have a big announcement to make! And tell Panetta to keep Pelosi on the hot seat for a while longer!"

Monday, May 18, 2009

Struggles of a part-time blogger

It seems I've injured my funny bone. I've been unable to come up with much lately. Over the weekend I started a barry good story about Biden revealing classified information. But it really really stunk so I never posted it. Then I had some thoughts brewing in my head about the White House Press Corps banquet, but Jim Treacher beat me to it. After that I kind of hit a brick wall. I need some ideas.

The Wanda Sykes thing might have some possibilities. So might Obama's speech to Notre Dame. Of course Pelosi's lies and delusions are still making the news, so that's worth considering. But I'm looking for suggestions here. Doesn't have to be any of these things I've mentioned - get creative. I just need a little kernel of an idea to start building on, 'cuz I'm not getting very far on my own lately. Head to the comments and help a guy out.

Well, this post has been up for nearly 24 hours. So far a whole lotta' nuttin' from my readers. So, I see how it is - no help whatsoever. It's all on me. Fine. I'm a Rugged Individualist. I can handle it. I'll get by, 'cuz that's what I do. Maybe I'll even come up with something good to post for you all. But I'll remember this next time you want to borrow five bucks or a healthy, functioning kidney. Believe me on that one!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I'm Special!!!

Today Lars Larson read another one of my emails on the air today. He declared it "email of the day" and gave me a free month of Premium Membership.

Yeah, that's right. I'm now practically a celebrity. And you're reading the blog of somebody who's practically a celebrity. That makes you a celebrity twice-removed. See? Just hanging out here makes you cooler.

The context of my email was a caller named Melinda who was complaining about the difficulties of being poor and having to live in a car. Lars had a pretty long conversation with her that included lines like this: "Do you have a job?" "No." "When was the last time you applied for a job" "About 9 months ago" "What are you doing now?" "Going back to school on a federal grant." "What are you studying?" "Basic stuff." "What kind of job do you want when you finish?" "Not sure."

You could tell that she was seriously lacking in motivation. Lars quipped on-air "Federal grant... Aren't you glad your taxes are going to such good use?"

So I wrote in:

Subject: Melinda the no-job car dweller

Hey Lars,

You have it soooo backwards!!!! Our tax money going to Melinda's education has a stimulative effect on the economy. The college administrators, instructors and union staffers will use all of that money on important things like solar panels and Che banners for their next protest. Paying people not to work and to take classes they don't need has a huge multiplier effect, and may be the only thing keeping us from utter ruin!


John in Corvallis
KLOO 1340am

Now I gotta go figure out how to activate the Premium Membership...

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Barry big decision to make

[Senator Reid, on TV] "We'll be taking out summer recess soon. The odor of perspiring visitors touring the Capitol is already beginning to bother me. Usually this doesn't become a problem until the first week of June. How much evidence of global warming do we need before we act? How much BO do I have to smell before a bill gets passed?"

[Obama, hearing his initials from the TV speaker, looks up from his Che Guevara coloring book]

[Reid, continuing] "And when we get back from recess, we'll be working very hard on the budget. It might seem like it would be easy to spend all those trillions on whatever we want, but we need to have some long, hard discussions about how our spending will improve our electoral chances. That takes a lot of time. If Obama expects us to schedule hearings for his Supreme Court nomination, he better hurry up. There's no way we're coming to DC in the summer, and we mustn't be interrupted during the fall spending spree. It's pretty much now or wait 'til next year."

[Obama, into intercom] "Rahm, ya there?"

[Rahm E.] "Yes, sire"

[Obama] "We need to talk about our SCOTUS nominee. Assemble the troops. I want you, Axe, White House Counsel greggycraig, and Judiciary Committee Senators Leahy and Specter" [Goes back to coloring Che's beard]


Later that day...

[Obama] "We need to move forward with naming a replacement for Souter. Senator Reid is kind of telling me to hurry up. Where are we at right now?"

[Rahm E.] "Oh, Sire! You'll be so pleased!"

[greggycraig] "Absolutely! M'lord, this will go down in history as the best judge ever! Well, at lease until you become Chief Justice someday!"

[Specter] "I am insulted that I haven't been involved in this selection process. I've been the ranking member on the Judiciary Committee for years."

[Obama] "Arlene, shut your flappin' lips. Nobody likes you. Your new colleagues voted unanimously to strip your seniority. The Republicans will NEVER take you back. You are a traitor. You are despised. You are less popular than chronic halitosis. We democrats do like traitors, but not enough to listen to them at times like this. So, zip! [zipper motion across mouth]

[Specter stands up, preparing to leave]

[Rahm E. gives him a firm push back into his seat] "Sit down, waldo! You're not going anywhere."

[greggycraig] "Sire, we've uncovered a magnificent nominee."

[Rahm E.] "Oh yes! Perfect!"

[greggycraig] "We suggest you nominate Mary Thornbugle."

[Obama] "Never heard of her."

[greggycraig] "Ms. Thornbugle is a M2F transgender lesbian, with Laotian, black and Aztec ancestry. (s)he is physically unattractive, frequently rude, and suffers from Bush Derangement Syndrome."

[Obama] "Positions on crucial issues?"

[Rahm E.] "(s)he believes fervently in global warming, the overpopulation crisis, and late-term abortion. (s)he calls his/herself a secular humanist but enjoys partaking in naked pagan fertility rituals every equinox. (s)he thinks fossil fuels are evil. (s)he believes Christianity should be abolished. (s)he hates guns and gunowners. (s)he thinks the Constitution is almost as obsolete as the Old Testament, and therefore worthy of being ignored. (s)he believes capitalism is
disgusting and national borders are abhorrent."

[Obama] "WOW! What's the downside? There's gotta be a 'gotcha' in there somewhere. Taxes?"

[greggycraig] "Nope. Ms. Thornbugle hasn't had taxable income since 1982. (s)he makes his/her living bartering her self-published collections of communist poetry for food, shelter and recreational drugs."

[Obama] "Legal troubles?"

[Rahm E.] "Nothing bad. (s)he got busted once for throwing rocks at cops during an environmentalist riot. (s)he was really upset that the bifurcated snotwarbler was being taken off the endangered species list."

[Obama] "Courtroom record?"

[greggycraig] "One time her neighbor's cat took a dump in her flowerbox, so (s)he sued her neighbor for $100 million on Judge Judy. (s)he won the case but Judge Judy lowered the amount to $20."

[Obama, wringing hands greedily] "Amazing! A winning record of 100%, even against a hyperconservative judge. You guys have found me a candidate that fully embodies every progressive precept of the modern democrat party!"

[Leahy] "I can't wait to vote for him. I mean her! It! Whatever!!!"

[Specter] "I know I'm a democrat, but I'm a centrist democrat. I'm not yet sure what to think of this nominee."

[Rahm E. slaps Specter hard across the face. The others giggle.] "Shut up, Waldo! You're not paid to think. You're paid to vote the way we tell you!"

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Having ears, but not hearing...

Alright, it seems every blogger feels a need to chime in on the GOP's "Listening Tour." Short version of my chime-in: Truckload of crap. Semi hauling triples with flashing OVERSIZE LOAD signs kind of truckload of crap.

Longer version: The GOP is equating electoral defeat with philosophical defeat. Hence, they feel the need to remake the party. Ordinary Republicans also feel like remaking the party, but for totally different reasons. The base is SCREAMING "No More RINOs! Give us real conservative candidates!" And the party bigwigs look at each other and say "did you just hear something?" The empty suit next to him replies "Nah. Not a thing. Maybe we should go on a Listening Tour so we can hear what others think we should be, 'cuz we're not hearing a thing here in our posh offices."

OK. It's bad enough to dis the base by ignoring our cries. It's FAR WORSE to not even know what you stand for. To Steele and other GOP "leaders": If you need to go out on the road and ask people what to stand for, YOU ARE NOT A LEADER! This is exactly why people are disassociating from the GOP. Sticking your finger in the breeze is NOT leadership. Courageous stands and reliance on principles are signs of leadership. People FLOCK to a genuine leader. The Big Tent you want so bad will burst at the seams if you'll just man up and stick to the platform. But no, you want to know whether we should be more 'hip-hop.' You want to know how to be more 'cool.' This is wretchedly horridly immeasurably idiotic. The base is already telling you what to do to win. The base is already telling you what will generate big turn-out and big donations. The independents are already telling you why they left the party. But you don't care. You just want the vote of that unemployed tatted-up skateboard punk with so many body piercings he looks like he did a swan dive into a big box of fishing tackle. And along the way your message has become "I want to say what you want to hear, but I don't know what that is. Please tell me, so I can tell you what you want to hear. I'll be whatever you want me to be. I'm basically a vote-whore."

I hate you.

Do you want to know who I'll vote for? No? I'll tell you anyway. I'll vote for the one that says "Screw popularity! I absolutely refuse to focus-group my opinions before I announce them. Ya wanna know where I stand? Then just ask me and I'll tell you what I believe and why I believe it - right now, right to your face! I believe what I believe, PERIOD!" Even if I barely agreed with half of that person's agenda, I'd fight to the death for him. To the death.

Are you listening now, GOP?

Am I making any sense now, GOP?

¿Comprende, GOP?

So maybe you will hear some great ideas on this tour. Do you think we care? If you can't stick to the most basic principles of the party, what confidence are we supposed to have that you'll stick to any of this new stuff either? We know that to you all is negotiable, and whatever new platform you do come up with, you'll piss all over it next week if you think it'll make you a little more popular.
Wow, I can't believe how mad I'm getting as I type this. Need to chill for a second... This post started off about nostalgia and invoking Reagan. I wanted to lay a little groundwork for my argument, but the groundwork seems to have taken over the whole post!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Barry big problems need solving, Part 2

[Casey] "We still need to address the the problems of the Mexican Pig Death, the open borders, the attacks on capitalism, and the attacks on our moral fabric...."

[ChuckN, holding finger in the air] "Shhhh." [Looks around] [Springs from seat, planting one foot on the table] [Does cartwheel spinning double roundhouse backfist chop in pike position (degree of difficulty 4.3) ] "Hi-yaa!" [Lands smoothly on feet in perfect butt-kicking posture]

[SarahP] "What the.."

[ChuckN] "Well, that's ONE Mexican Pig Death Virus that won't be bothering anybody ever again."

[FredT] "Are you trying to tell us that you just karate-chopped a virus in midair?"

[ChuckN] "Yes. Would you like to see it again?"

[Cheney] "Umm, maybe later."

[ChuckN] "I don't like your tone. Be reminded that I routinely beat crap out of terrorists half my age."

[Cheney] "Now I know I'm no spring chicken, either. So maybe I'm not the one to talk, but people even half your age are considering AARP membership. I dunno if I'd crow too loudly about all that."

[Casey] "Remember! The Soros is trying to turn us against each other!"

[ChuckN] "Sorry."

[FredT] "American immune systems seem to be stronger than others. If we could just stop the inflow of infected illegals, and get people to take a 3-day weekend, I think this whole Mexican Pig Death would burn itself out in short order."

[ChuckN] "I'll handle the border. I played a Texas Ranger. I know what to do."

[Cheney] "Oh geez."

[ChuckN pulls bottle of Geritol from coat pocket and downs several tablets]

[SarahP offers Chuck a sip of melted glacier from her bearskin canteen]

[ChuckN] "No thanks, ma'am. I don't need a chaser." [ChuckN's muscles grow dramatically right before their eyes. His beard becomes fuller, and the few gray hairs on his head return to their original color]

[ChuckN, to Cheney] "Geritol is to Chuck Norris as spinach is to Popeye."

[Cheney looks away timidly and whistles quietly]

[Casey] "Fred and Chuck seem to have the Mexican Pig Death / Illegal Border Crossing problem dealt with. I suggest that I use my skills at disguise to confuse The Soros."

[Jindal] "Yeah!" [aside to audience "I finally get another line in this script! woohoo!"] "If we can sever the relation between The Soros and The Obama, our outlook will be much improved. We know that The Obama gets text messages from Scarlett Johannsen. Maybe I should hack her Verizon acc..."[Types furiously on laptop] "Done! What do we want Scarlet to say?"

[FredT] "Scarlett who?"

[SarahP] "Just another hollywood liberal with sluttish tendencies."

[ChuckN] "Back in the day, when me 'n Fred were making commie-bustin' movies, we didn't need any sluttish liberals in our flicks. The women in our movies, while pretty, were mainly there because they were smart and had important roles with quality dialogue."

[FredT] "You tell 'em, Chuck!"

[Jindal] "How about I mess with The Soros' hedge fund?" [insanely fast typing] "Heh. I just put in a buy order for The Soros. He's getting a billion shares of Chrysler tomorrow! He'll be broke by this time tomorrow! Ha! How's that crisis treating you now, you sunnybeach!"

[collective laughter]

[SarahP] "Gee, Bobby! I knew you were smart, but I had no idea!"

[Jindal, blushing] "I've memorized pi to 1000 digits." [pulls out abacus, slides little abacus doo-dads around at breakneck speed] "and the 1001'th digit is '7' "

[Casey] "This is going remarkably well. Soon the progressive bloggers will have to find actual work, because The Soros will have nothing to pay them. Then they'll find that The Obama's tax policies aren't so wonderful after all. Which brings us around to the economy."

[Jindal typing like mad. Fingers flying around the keyboard like spent brass being ejected from a minigun] "OK, I've whipped up a little model."

[Microsoft Excel] "recalculating..."

[Jindal] "Hurry up! OK, it's done. Finally. My model has some assumptions, including oil at $60/bbl for the next year, then trending up to $90/bbl over the next two. Further assumptions include the expiration of Bush's tax cuts, and the dollar remaining..."

[Cheney] "OK! Enough details! Are you gonna tell us the result before I die?"

[Jindal] "My calculations show you will live another 7.2 years. What's the hurry?"

[Cheney raises hand to backslap Jindal]

[Jindal] "OK. Short version? We're all screwed. If you don't know Mandarin or Hindi, you should learn soon, because The Obama will bankrupt us in 1.37 years. On the plus side, I am fluent in both of those languages, so I will probably get preferential treatment in the labor camps."

[FredT] "NEVER!"

[SarahP] "Right! I have an idea... Since every weasel north of the equator is bent on digging through my trash, I should put a forged "

[Jindal typing at high subsonic speeds] "Here you go. The attached .pdf should appear in your inbox momentarily."

[SarahP] "Ahem! ...a forged Obama birth certificate in my trash. It'll say that I am actually The Obama's mom. That'll give the troofers something to woof about! And I have a knack for stealing any news cycle I want with just a few words. I'll equivocate for a while, allowing the rumors to get traction. Then I'll tell the world it is true! Every liberal head will finally cave in from the vacuum inside their mushy skulls!"

[Casey] "Genius! Pure Genius! We shall reclaim our country!"

Barry big problems need solving, Part 1

Sun beginning to rise, though it is still mostly dark. A little red pickup bounces along a deserted old road near Mt. Rushmore. Lingering snow along the sides of the road reflect the slowly growing daylight.

[Fred Thompson, exiting truck] "I feel like I am in the right place, but I just don't know why"

In the distance, a snowmobilemachine approaches, following the patches of remaining snow. It pulls up and parks alongside the pickup. A female figure climbs off. A rifle is slung over one shoulder, and a bandolier holding brightly polished ammo is slung over the other shoulder - the two leather straps forming a threatening, yet feminine X shape over her torso.

[Sarah Palin] "Senator Thompson, is that you?"

[FredT] "Why, yes. It is good to see you here, Gov'nor. Though I don't know for the life of me what brought me out here."

[SarahP] "Me either. I just had this strange compulsion to ride down here from Alaska."

A hissing sound is heard, they both startle at the sound and look for its source - a trapdoor opening near them. Wisps of fog waft out of it. Faint light from far below illuminates a stairway leading down. Far down. Far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore.

[FredT] "I guess we know why we're here! Let's head on down!"

SarahP partially opens the bolt of her rifle, confirming a round is chambered, then closes the bolt. Her thumb is on the safety as she approaches the stairway that goes far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore.

[FredT] "Is that really necessary?"

[SarahP] "It could be a another trap set by liberal dorkblogger Andrew Sullivan. He's been out to get me."

[FredT] "My folksy old-time wisdom is telling me everything is fine." [Heads down the stairs]

[SarahP, under her breath] "That's fine. You rely on your folksy wisdom, I'll rely on cold steel with a custom free-floating barrel and a 2.5-8X variable scope."

They climbed down the stairs for what seemed like a very long time. Because it was. One does not get far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore in mere seconds.

Eventually they reach another door, which is closed. No doorknob or hinges are evident. Ancient runes carved in the door read "speak friend, and enter."

[SarahP] "Oh, my kids love those books, and the movies! I know this one!" [Loudly] "FRIEND!"

Nothing happens.

[FredT] "Uhh. Hmm. Amigo?" "Comrade?" "10-4 Good Buddy?"

Nothing happens.

[SarahP, taking aim at door] "I didn't climb down all... those... stairs... just to play 20 questions. You stupid door, I'm gonna blow you away in 3...2...

[FredT] "Crap, this is going to be loud!" [plugs ears and closes eyes tightly]

[SarahP] "...1"


The door slides open.

[SarahP] "Wow, that was really cornball. Whoever wrote this stupid script should be shot."

Beyond the door, several figures are seated around a polished marble table. The two enter.

[Dick Cheney, cranky] "It's about time you two showed up! I got here over an hour ago!"

[Chuck Norris] "This is getting weirder every second."

[Bobby Jindal] "My laptop's WiMax card has surprisingly good reception, even here in the bowels of the earth."

[Cheney] "Take your seats. We're about to start."

An elderly figure enters, wearing an elaborate ceremonial robe and carrying a strange gold artifact, covered in jewels. It is former CIA Director William (Bill) Casey, long thought deceased.

[ChuckN] "But I thought you were dead!"

[Cheney] "We already covered that in a previous episode. Please try to keep up, Chuck."

[ChuckN] "I'll have you know, that of all the people who have made an upchuck joke in my presence, you are the first that I've allowed to live. And that's ONLY because my mother always taught me respect my elders."

[Cheney, in Sgt. Hulka voice] "Lighten up... Charles."

[ChuckN stands up and glares at Cheney]

[Casey] "Gentlemen. The Soros is doing his mind tricks on us again, trying to create division within our ranks. We must not succumb to the evil of The Soros."

[ChuckN] "Sorry."

[SarahP, forcefully] "Well, it's all fine and dandy to be far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore with a roomful of conservative luminaries, but would somebody please explain what this is all about? And while you're at it, tell us how you're still alive."

[Casey, looking towards Palin] "Oooh, the Force is strong in this one!" [addressing the entire group] "This is a secret place created by the Founding Fathers. This arcane object" [holds up artifact] "was also created by them. In times of great national peril, it subliminally summons the great conservatives of the age to this secret place. Here we will devise and implement our strategy for reclaiming our country! Cheney was here with me, along with William F. Buckley, Jesse Helms, and others, the last time we faced such danger. It was during the Carter administration, and our countrymen were held overseas by the hostile Iranians."

[Cheney] "Yes. The beltway republicans thought The Reagan was just a b-movie cowboy who was way too conservative to win an election. We met here, and we saw to it that he was elected. The Iranians released the hostages, taxes were lowered, and the people rejoiced."

[Casey] "Our mission today is twofold: 1. For the long-term battle, we must determine who shall lead us out of malaise and despair. We have been leaderless, rudderless, and divided for too long. We shall soon determine our new leader."

[FredT] "Well, I'm full of folksy wisdom, and I kind of talk like a b-movie cowboy. I should be the one."

[ChuckN] "I kick butt and played a Texas Ranger on a b-TV series. It should be me."

[Casey] "No. Our new leader will be youthful. A young gun, so to speak. Our new leader is in this room. But the choice is not yet clear."

[SarahP, making eye contact with Jindal, nods confidently and winks]

[Jindal, mind racing. To himself] "She makes an odd gesture, but what does it mean? Is she giving me a vote of confidence, or is that the look of a predator about to devour an adversary? I wish I had more social skills, and understood girls better!"

[Casey] "It will become clear in future days who we shall rally behind. Whether that will be Palin or Jindal, is yet unknown. For now, we have other, more immediate threats to deal with."

[ChuckN] "Fine. But you still haven't told us about your, oh, how should I say, 'continued non-deceasement.' We all though you died a long time ago."

[Casey] "Very well. In 1987, as CIA director, I sensed that the Soviet Union was nearing collapse. They were still strong, but the signs of failure were beginning to appear. It was crucial that The Reagan received his due credit for ending them once and for all. So I used my CIA skills to fake my own death. Then I put some FD&C Red #5 food coloring on a ping-pong paddle, and smacked myself in the forehead with it. Again, using my CIA skills, I stealthily infiltrated the fortified borders of the Soviet Union and started saying "Glasnost! Glasnost and perestroika!" over and over again. Soon the communists were toppled the wall came down, and there was much jubilation. I'd been living a quiet retirement under an assumed identity ever since, but the rise of The Soros and his protegé The Obama have stirred me anew..." [emotionally, pounding fist on table] "I Will Yet Serve My Country , because I... Still... Function!"

[misty eyes, loud applause from all]

[Casey] "Now then, about the dangers our country faces today..."

Meanwhile, back in DC:

[Obama, to Rahm E.] "People are all freaked out about the H1N1 virus thing. I always thought that H1N1 was a kind of entry visa we give to skilled workers who want to do the jobs here that we haven't outsourced yet."

[Rahm E.] "Sire, you are nearly correct. The H1B is the work visa. H1N1 is a deadly flu virus. But, m'lord, I can see how all those h's and 1's could be confusing. I'll immediately contact the State Department and have them give new designations to all immigrant work visas. That should end the confusion."

[Obama] "Wouldn't it be easier to just let anybody come in here whenever they want, instead of all this H1B1 paperwork nonsense? Wait a sec... YES! That's it! I'll just let anybody from any country come and go whenever they want! That'll save money on all the paperwork that will no longer be needed! I can go on TV and brag about how I've cut the budget! Ha ha, take that, republicans! You're not the only ones who can cut the budget!"

[Rahm E.] "Excellent idea, sire."

[Obama] "Also, it's true I was stoned a lot during chemistry class, but I really thought the "1" was kind of implied. For example, the formula for my favorite chemical, ethyl alcohol, is C2H5OH rather than C2H5O1H1. So why does this virus name have all those 1's in it?"

[Rahm E. struggling to stifle his utter frustration] "You're right, m'lord. I'll contact the textbook publishers and have them amend all the chemisty books. "

[Obama] "Right on. Make sure they make all those corrections right away, 'cuz I hate looking stupid."

[Biden enters , wearing wetsuit and scuba gear. On his back is an industrial sprayer filled with Lysol.]

[Obama] "Speaking of looking stupid, what's up with that outfit, Joe?"

[Biden, voice muffled by scuba air regulator in his mouth] "My cah wouldn't staht thish mahning. So I had to wide the thubway with all dose infected people. I don't wanna take no chances." [Sprays mist of Lysol into the air around him]

[Obama] "Rahm, it is time to get control over this panic. Tell the Secret Service I'm going for a walk amongst the ordinary people. Right out there on the sidewalk with the plebes, cretins and assorted lowlifes. Without a mask. That'll give the plebes, cretins and lowlifes on the sidewalk confidence that this HBO1N1 thing is nothing to worry about."

Obama and Secret Service detail head down the strees. A mother and young child approach on the sidewalk.

[child] "Mommy! Look! It's the President!"

[Obama] "Hi there!" [bends over to shake kid's hand]

[child] "I saw you on TV the other day!"

[Obama, smiling] "Really? What did you think?"

[child] "My mommy says it is a sin to use swear words, so I better not tell you."

[Biden, still in scuba gear, blasts kid in face with spray of Lysol]

[child, shrieking in pain from burning eyes] "Mommy! Daddy was right! Those are bad men!"

[Obama] "Darn conservatives, always screwing up my photo-ops!" [Obama, on cellphone to Axelrod] "Hey Axe, find out if that kid that Biden just nailed has any unpaid tax liens, then send out a mass text-message to all the fools on our phone list and tell them to meet me on the 1800 block of Pennsylvania Avenue. I need to have them show up while MSNBC's cameras are running and congratulate me on my calm and effective handling of this flu thing. Ordinary people on the street aren't being very helpful. I need those losers to get out of bed and help me out."

Back at the bunker, far, far beneath Mt. Rushmore:

[Casey] "We still need to address the the problems of the Mexican Pig Death, the open borders, the attacks on capitalism, and the attacks on our moral fabric...."


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