That's barry special!

Obama and his entourage were gathered in the White House media room. A very large HD TV displayed Sean Hannity discussing VP Biden's claim of a 30% chance of failure in Obama's stimulus package. A somber Obama clicked the remote over to CNN. CNN analysts were likewise discussing Biden's comment. More clicks of the remote, more discussion of Biden.

[Axelrod] " 'Bams, quit worrying so much. We know the package is worse than that, so Joe is actually giving you more credit than you deserve. Cut him some slack."

[Ram E.] "Sire, Biden suggests you have a 70% chance of success! A batting average of .700 would shatter all records! Indeed, m'lord, it seems you ought to be taking pride in this moment yet you are deflated. I just don't understand."

[Obama] "No, you don't understand. I felt like I had to pick Biden to offset the republican claims that our ticket lacked experience. I wanted to pick Evan Bayh, but nooooooooo, you had to talk me into Biden." [Dirty look towards Axelrod]

[Axelrod] "Bayh's a stiff! He's got less personality than McCain, and I never thought that was possible."

[Obama] "He may be a stiff, but remember, 'dead men tell no tales.' He would've just been silent and stayed out of the way, unlike your Biden. Enough of this, I'm ready for some good news for a change." [Obama clicks over to al-Jazeera]

[Arabic dialog on the TV - understood by Obama, but gibberish to the rest. Biden's face appears on screen] "The Iraqis need to step up. This failure to reach reconciliation, the ongoing violence, the sectarian strife needs to come to an end, or this administration will be forced to barge into a sovereign country and put our foot down. We won't put up with this."

[Iraqi PM Maliki speaking, subtitled in English] "Biden is an ass. His observations are woefully out-of-date. He speaks of a situation that was resolved years ago. Seriously, the big cities of my country are safer than the big cities in America. I question Biden's mental health, and Allah willing, I will strike Biden's mouth with a closed fist. I also question, you, President Obama" [Maliki leans in close to camera] "Why do you tolerate this fool in your administration?"

[Obama, disgusted] "OK, you know things are going poorly when even my al-Jazeera coverage is negative." [Flipping through rolodex, stopping at Biden's number, dialing it.] "Joe, I have a very important mission for you to accomplish. Please get down here right away." [Hangs up] "OK, guys, he'll be here in about 5 minutes. That means we have about 5 minutes to come up with a crucial administration policy for Joe to head up. Think 'Hillary and healthcare reform' from about 15 years ago. Start thinking.'

[greggycraig] "We could put him in charge of energy independence"

[Obama] "Hmmm... Maybe... Actually... NO! [Fierce look on Obama] "He openly differed with me regarding coal usage!"

[Ram E.] "We could make him Climate Czar. Since nobody takes Al Gore seriously anymore, maybe we should pass that torch to Joe."

[Obama] "If we pass a torch to Joe we'll all end up in the burn ward."

[Axelrod] "We could put him in charge of the Special Olympics"

[Obama] "Tell me more - but hurry, he'll be here in about a minute!"

[Axelrod] "It's in Idaho this year. That's about all I know. Not like I've ever been to Idaho. Not like I'll ever go to Idaho. Not like I want to have anything to do with special needs kids. Geez, I'm getting nauseated just thinking about being surrounded by a bunch of right-wing Idaho hicks and their inbred kids."

[Obama] "Now that's an idea I can work with. Let's send Joe to Idaho on an EX-TEN-DED stay to tackle this issue!" [Obama's cronies laughing and nodding]

[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! It must be a real important, this whateveritis you want me to go do, since it is so rare that we're all in the same room together."

[Obama] "NORAD assures me that there are no meteors inbound on our location at the moment, so we should be OK for now. But to be safe, we should keep this short."

[Axelrod, putting down drink, tensing up]

[Biden] "Yeah, no kiddin'! The way that fossil Pelosi, I mean, if she ever became President..."

[Axelrod] "Gah!" [Clutches head before collapsing]

[Biden] "As I was saying, about how Pelosi is running the House. Speaking of House, isn't that a weird name for a TV show about a doctor? And NORAD, don't get me started, but I heard they actually let Canadians in there, too. Are we like, allies or something, with Canada? Somebody told me that Canadian radar watches for nuclear missiles coming over the pole from Russia, and they watch the little radar blippy things down here in Colorado. What's the matter with those Canucks? They can build a radar that can see all the way to Russia, but they can't build their own radar displays. And how can Sarah Palin see Russia from her house, and the Canadians can also see Russia from like thousands of miles away, but Alaska and Canada are neighbors? I don't think Palin was being completely truthful. I know Russia is kinda big, but I oh, I get it now. That's how NORAD is able to track Santa every Christmas - without Canadian radar watching the North Pole we'd never know when Santa takes off. I guess those Canadians are good for something after all. Do the igloos up there have chimneys for Santa, or is it more of an icehole? Hey, I kicked Santa in the icehole!" [Biden laughing at his joke]

[Obama] "Joe, you've already caused Axelrod to have another stroke. Let's get down to business. This year the Special Olympics Winter Games are being held in Boise, Idaho. As you may recall, but probably don't, Sarah Palin made some blatant panders to the special needs community during our campaign. It was very cruel of her to do so, because those people, being special needs types, lacked the discernment to see through her deplorable campaign rhetoric."

[Biden] "Oh, I know, it's distasteful. So you want me to go to Idaho and set the record straight."

[Obama] "Yes. Palin thinks she has locked up that voting bloc. It is your task to win them back to our side. The next presidential election isn't for about 45 months, but we can't rest on our laurels. Head to Idaho, and take as long as you need to convince those voters that Palin is evil."

[Biden] "Sir! Yes, Sir!" [Biden exits]

[Ram E. gathers the drink from Axelrod's still-clenched drink-holding hand and splashes some of the liquid on Axelrod's face]

[Obama] "Axe, wake up! Biden's on his way to Idaho. It's safe now."

[Axelrod, groggy] "Dat. wuzzn't. an. act... Just. being. in. a. confined. space. with. that. man. and. breathing. from. the. same. air. makes. my. brain. itch. and. then. I. pass. out."
-------------------------
[Announcer] "Thank you, Boise, for hosting this wonderful event" [Crowd cheers] "I'm pleased to announce that Vice President Joe Biden is here to lend his support!" [Audience members look at each other, unsure whether to be excited or not. Smattering of intermittent applause]

[Biden] "Let the games begin!" [Kids cheer and dash off in various directions, towards their events]

Evening falls, events wind down, kids and families reassemble for the awards ceremony. Most kids are happy, a few are disappointed that they didn't perform as well as hoped. The announcer reads names and scores, while Biden presents trophies and ribbons.

[Biden, goodnaturedly] "Nice job, kid. It's lucky for you that tackle football isn't one of the winter games. I'd have come down there and stomped you into the mud!" [Biden rubs kid on top of head in a friendly manner]

[Kid] "Think so?" [Kid winds up and kicks Biden in shin, bulky corrective shoe maximizing the painful effect] [Biden winces in pain, leans over, grabs shin. Kid bonks Biden on back of head with trophy and exits]

[Announcer] "Thank you families, thank you kids for a great event. That's it for the awards. We're just about done. VP Biden has just a few words for us before we go."

[Biden, eyes still a bit watery from the pain he endured a few minutes prior] "Folks, I'd just like to remind you how important you all are to the Biden I mean Obama/Biden administration. That lying liar who tells a lot of lies, yes, [snooty nasal voice with scornful look on face] Sare-ruh Pay-lin, like to appear with her special needs kid in public. Yeah, I said 'IN PUBLIC' with her special needs kid. She carries that kid around like some kind of badge of honor, and tells everyone how much she cares about special needs kids. Well, like I said, she's a lying liar." [Boos from the crowd] "Hey! I have security clearance! I've seen classified documents that show that she really wants special needs kids sent to warehouses, where she fattens them up before rendering them into lamp oil. They need the lamp oil up there 'cuz of the long, dark winters." [More boos, shaking of fists] "Oh, you don't think so? There's a lot of classified info I've seen, like about our plans to bomb Iran on St. Patrick's Day, that I can't talk about 'cuz it's classified. But if you'd seen what I've seen, you'd never vote for a republican again!"

[Loud cheers from crowd] [Biden surprised by the crowd's change of mood] "Yeah, I'm gonna bomb Iran and save your kids from the Wolfkiller of the Great White North!"

[Crowd louder still. Biden doesn't see that Sarah Palin is sneaking up behind him, but crowd is all over it.]

[Sarah Palin, grabbing microphone away from Biden] "Say it ain't so, Joe!"

[Biden, shrieking] "Nooooo! Please don't shoot me with a moose rifle!"

[Palin] "Of course not, Joe. I have other things in mind." [Cracks knuckles]

[Biden, dropping to his knees] "Why have you come here? Is it only to embarrass me further?"

[Palin] "Naw, Joe. I was born in Idaho and went to college in Idaho. Idaho is kind of like my version of Scranton. So when I heard all these great kids were going to be here, of course I had to be here for it."

[Biden, still kneeling, clasps hands as if in prayer] "Mercy, please!"

[Palin feigns knee to Biden's solar plexus, stops just short of hitting him] [Biden flinches, coughs up small amount of saliva onto lapel of his expensive suit.]
-------------
Later that evening...

[Obama on phone to Biden] "How did it go?"

[Biden] "Well, I got beat up my a middle schooler and Sarah Palin showed up and totally derailed my attempts at smear tactics."

[Obama] "Setbacks are to be expected, Joe. Stay in Idaho and keep trying. I'll be in touch..."

Amerika barry good? Not sure.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 [you know the drill by now]

------------------------

Part 6

President Obama paced about the Oval Office, fingers on chin, with a pensive look about him. Surrounded by his most loyal advisors and confidants, none dared break the silence. Events of the week had borne heavily on their leader, and his anxieties were leaking over onto his staff. Gone was the jubilance of January. The Groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter, an apt metaphor for the drear about the room.

[Obama, quietly] "I look bad because of Daschle. I look bad because of Killefer and Sims. [Sniff] My Stimulus To End All Stimuli isn't well-received. They're having to fly in Kennedy just to try to get enough votes to pass cloture. Just a week ago everybody loved me! Now I can't even get the squishy RINOs to waste money! How could it all go so wrong so soon?"

[Ram E.] "Sire, um, it's always darkest befo.."

[Obama] "Oh, great! Even my Chief of Staff thinks it is a racial issue!"

[Ram E.] "Not at all, sire! Those vile republicans know they are no match for your greatness! They cower before your approval ratings! They reel at your masterful oratory! This is their last, vain attempt at derailing you, but already we've turned Senators Collins and Specter, and Snowe and Martinez are wavering! Soon all will again seek photo-ops with you!"

[Obama, shrugging] "I used to think so... Now... I just don't know..."

[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! How's it all goin' ? Have you heard about KFC's new hot wings that don't need any sauce to be hot? Is that crazy or what? They say the hot is like cooked into the batter or something. Weird. And I can't figure out why they call them Buffalo Wings. Makes people think they're from Buffalo, ya know, where the Bills play and it snows a lot. How could they make hot wings in such a cold place? Am I the only one who realizes this? I know my IQ is higher than just about anybody's but c'mon! I think the whole thing is just a marketing scam. Mr. President, does your stimulus package include anything for investigating marketing scams? Duh. [Facepalm gesture] Stupid question. Your stimulus package has funding for just about everything! And that '5 dollar foot-long' crud from Subway! Doesn't Subway understand sales tax? Do ya really think they'd have a national ad campaign only to sell sammiches in places like OrreGAHN that don't have a sales tax? C'mon! They're either rippin' people off with the ol' bait-n-switch 'Sir, your 5 dollar sandwich comes to $5.78' junk, or they're cheating on their taxes! Speaking of which, maybe you should nominate them to be in your Cabinet! [SnortLOL from Biden laughing at his own joke] Why's everybody so glum? Am I talking too much?"

[Obama] "Yes, Joe, you're talking too much. Someone as smart as you shouldn't even need to ask that question. But the real reason for our dour mood is the multiple hardships this administration has faced in not even three weeks of governance. I've gone my whole life with things being handed to me on a silver platter. I've never had to pace around the room worrying about whether people love me - until now. This presidency thing just might be above my pay grade."

[Biden] "Whenever I have a bout of doubt, oh, hey, 'bout of doubt.' Heh. I could be a rap star! But seriously, there's nothing like a road trip with the guys to enliven the spirit. Ya know, reminiscing about the good ol' days, whistlin' out the car window at the girls, that kind of stuff. I always feel way better after I get out of the car at the end of a nice long road trip.

[Obama] "I'm sure the other passengers in the car also felt much better after you got out at the end of a long road trip. But it is a good idea, Joe. I think I'll take your advice for once."

[Biden] "ROAD TRIP!!! WooHoo! Where are we going?"

[Axelrod, sipping a martini, under his breath] "Please, no. Please, no. Please, no."

[Obama] "Sorry, Joe. It is just too dangerous for us to travel together. If there were, God forbid, some kind of tragedy like a car wreck that killed us both, according to the Constituti..."

[Biden, interrupting] "President Pelosi"

[Axelrod, coughing violently, briefly choking] "Guys! I'm trying to have a drink, here, and you have to mention her? I just coughed a little bit of olive out my nose! That hurt!"

[Obama] "Yes, Joe. That's why we'll never, ever, ever be able to travel together. In fact, we should even try to avoid being in the same room, in case of a meteor strike or something."

[Axelrod, between sips of martini] "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

[Biden, standing tall, like the soldier at attention that he never was because of lame medical deferments during Vietnam] "Mr. President, enjoy your trip. I shall rule in your stead with evenhandedness and wisdom."

[Obama] "Yeah, Joe, whatevs. Just don't break anything valuable"

[Ram E.] "Sire, I've summoned the heavily armored presidential SUV for the trip."

[Obama] "Thanks, Ram, but not this time. Tell them to warm up Air Force One!"
---------------------
[Obama walking the tarmac towards Air Force One, surrounded by Axelrod, greggycraig, Ram and CIA director-designate Leon Panetta and a security detail. Reporters crowd around, snapping photos like paparazzi at a celebrity drug rehab center]

[reporter] "Mr. President, where are you headed? Might you be going to the Middle East to bring Peace To All Men?"

[Obama] "Sorry, our itinerary is classified."

[reporter] "Sir, I see that none of your wives are travelling with you."

[Obama, angrily] "Listen, I only have ONE wife. K? I might be a cryptomuslim, but I DO NOT have a harem. Michelle would run me over with a zamboni if she ever thought I had another wife or two."

[reporter] "Sorry, sir. I meant that you're travelling with much of your inner circle, but neither your wife nor any of your assistants' wives appear to be making the trip."

[Panetta makes silent eye-contact with a member of the security detail. The agent turns and heads directly towards the reporter and beats him mercilessly]

[Obama and entourage nearing the stairway up to Air Force One]

[Obama] "Ha, ha! SHOTGUN!"

[Security detail springs into action. Four agents tackle Obama and crew, smothering them with their own bodies to protect the president from shotgun fire. Remaining agents pull concealed UZIs out of their jackets and hose down the row of reporters with sustained full-auto fire.]

[Obama] "Uhh. Um. I meant I was calling 'shotguhhhh' [catches himself before uttering 'shotgun' again] OK? I'm NOT saying there's a weapon aimed at me! I'm just saying I call front seat in the plane!" [Obama, pulls out cell phone] "Gibbs, things just got a little weird down here at the airstrip. There are going to be some awkward questions." [pause] "Yeah, even worse than the other day with Jake Tapper from ABC News. But I know you can handle it and put the right spin on it. You're the best press secretary in the history of forever." [hanging up phone] "Let's go!"
--------------
I can possibly be convinced to continue...

P.S. If that "Jake Tapper from ABC" doesn't sound familiar, watch the vid at the link. It'll make ya smile.

Obama Obad hair day week!

Wow. It's only Wednesday, and the madness in DC is almost overwhelming. Like JFK's death or the Challenger explosion, someday my grandkids are going to ask "where were you the week Obama ruined the country forever?" I need to stop and review because things've gone buck-nutty.

Domestic probs:

• Daschle tax problems - out of the running for Sec HHS
• Killefer tax problems - out of the running for Chief Performance Officer
• Sims scandals - this one just came up today - details pending
  Nevermind - he is black - everything's OK and I'm a racist for even mentioning it but he appears to be a major crook and partially responsible for "Gov Gregoire" instead of "Gov Rossi" in Washington state.
• "Stimulus" losing appeal and may go down in flames. More and more people are hearing about all the junk in it and saying "no thanks."

International probs:

• Iran launches satellite into orbit - a rocket that can put a satellite into space is also handy for lobbing nukes at people. Thankfully "outer space" is a much larger target than, say, "Jerusalem." But betting on your enemy's missiles having poor guidance isn't much of a strategy.
• North Korea announces new missile - This one could hit the western US. Yay!
• Russia says "up yours!" to Obama - Russia convinces Kyrgyzstan to kick us out, preventing us from using a base there - one of our main supply lines for the war in Afghanistan. If we can't effectively fight the Taliban and they reassert themselves and go on to hassle Russia (Mohammedans have a long memory of real and perceived wrongs against them) I'll try not to laugh in Putin's face about it.
• India says "up yours!" to Obama regarding Kashmir - That disputed area that Pakistan and India go to war over once in a while. Read FT at the link. You know things aren't going so well when a supposed ally calls you a 'monkey'
• Canada and EU say "up yours!" to Obama's "Buy American" policy. Obama originally wanted this included in the stimulus - that steel, concrete, etc, used in infrastructure projects would be domestically produced, so the House included it in the version they passed the other day. Then our supposed allies start freaking out and warning that it will lead to a trade war if we don't consider buying our stuff from elsewhere. Dunno where I stand on this one - I don't like protectionism, but I do like irritating the socialists in the EU. Prez Obeyme now finds himself with the unions that make things like steel pulling him one direction, and whiny international socialists pulling him the other. Better him than me.

Seriously, all this has happened in just the last few days, and the week isn't even over yet.

_____________________

UPDATE: 'Nuther Day, 'Nuther Dodger!

Tax cheat du jour is Hilda Solis. Obama doesn't disappoint - there's something screwy in his administration daily. Will the last honest democrat please stand up, please stand up?

Obama exempt from own rules

To much fanfare, president Obeyme issued several Executive Orders in his first few days of office. One of them called for strict rules regarding lobbyists - that they couldn't serve in his administration, nor could former administration officials become lobbyists until Obama's administration is ended. Next thing you know, he's issuing exemptions to his own rules. Many exemptions.

1 is an anomaly
2 is a coincidence
3 is a pattern
17 is, um, what, exactly?

He's only been in office for 13 days.

Amerika still mostly barry good

Previous: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 (If you read them out of order, they'll make no sense at all. If you read them in order, well, um, there's no guarantee that way, either)

-----------------------------------------
Part 5

[Senior Advisor David Axelrod catching up with distraught Obama] "Hey, I was trying to tell you that not all the news is bad. First off, we've just about convinced Judd Gregg to be Secretary of Commerce. He's from..."

[Obama, head-tilted like a confused puppy, interrupting] "But greggycraig is already in my administration as White House Counsel."

[Axelrod] " 'Bams, that weed is making you dopey! I'm talking about Senator Gregg"

[Obama, more confused] "Buuuhhh, isn't he a republican? Aren't we supposed to be exterminating republicans?"

[Axelrod] "A republican from New Hampshire, 'Bams. He's almost as liberal as you, man. Then the dem governor of NH can appoint a replacement, and we'll have that filibuster-proof majority in the Senate! Besides, like, what good is the Commerce Secretary, anyway? You were gonna give to that zitpicker Richardson guy. One token republican in a useless department isn't so bad."

[Obama, starstruck with himself] "Yeah... yeah! I can take Gregg up on the stage with me and dangle him in front of the media. Then I'll give a memorable speech that nobody remembers, full of soaring rhetoric about post-partisanship. My approval ratings alllllllwaaaaays climb after I give a long, meaningless speech. Axe, you are a genius!"

------------------------------
Later that afternoon...

[Obama shooting hoops by himself in the Presidential Gym, talking to imaginary opponent] "Think ya can guard me? Watch THIS! [decent crossover dribble, drive to unguarded basket, layup] "Hah!" [Chest thump] "You can't stop me!"

[Ram E. enters] "Sire, the news conference is in half an hour."

[Obama] "Ram, do you think I 'got game'?"

[Ram] "Absolutely, m'lord. You've more game in you than Sarah Palin has in her freezer."

[Obama] "Uhh-huh! That's what I'm sayin'! Well, I guess happyfuntime is over and I have to go act presidential for a while."

-------------------------------

[White House, Obama holding press conference]
[Elderly reporter] "Mr. President, is it true that you are expanding the Rendition practice of 'outsourcing torture' as a way of getting information from enemy combatants?"

[Obama] "What the heck? Are you from Fox News or something asking me a question like that! This is going to be a short* conference if those are the kinds of questions you want to ask. I'd really rather talk about my bold prediction that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. "

[Elderly reporter] "Sir, it is being reported that this is the case. Most of us are having a hard time believing it. Since you were such a wuss regarding Gitmo, we really expect you'll do the same thing with the rendition practice."

[Obama, rolling up shirt sleeves] "Oh, so now I'm a wuss?" [growing more angry] "Step up here and say that again! I dare you! I might be small, and weigh less than my wife's left leg, but all 97 lbs of me is pure fight!"

[Elderly reprterr] "That's easy to say when you're surrounded by Secret Service, ya wuss!"

[Obama, raging. Tries to lift podium, fails. Tries to lift teleprompter, fails. Tries to lift folding metal chair, mostly fails. Frantic glances around room, searching for something he can lift]

"Grrraagggh!" [Removes shoe, thows it weakly in general direction of reporter]

[Elderly reporter] "Ha! Nice shovel pass, Alice! You throw about as good as you bowl! If you could throw a show like you throw a fit, maybe I'd have reason to worry!"

[Obama, regaining composure] "Seize him!"

[Elderly reporter, dashing towards door with surprising dexterity, finds all exits blocked by large, intimidating men] "Please, please, whatever you do, don't do a rendition on me!"

[Obama, with devilish grin] "You'll get a rendition, alright. I can't wait for the results. My friends in that little Turkish village can be very persuasive. Your screams shall be playing in my iPod for years to come! Bwaahaahaahaaa!"
---------------------------

[USAF C-17 over the Atlantic en route to Baghdad]

[radio voice] "Adjust course for Ankara International Airport. By orders of the president himself."

[pilot] "Aye, aye. Ankara International."

[in cargo area of C-17, between pallets of MREs, frustrated CIA rookie struggles to break the will of old man tied to seat] "Sir, we've tried all the usual methods, but he has resisted thus far."

[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Well, old man, you seem vaguely familiar. No worries, I won't let it interfere with my work." [Slaps elderly reporter across face] "What the heck?" [Grabs elderly reporter by the face and peels off latex mask.] "Bill!?! Is that you?!"

[Former CIA director William Casey] "Yeah, Dan. It's me. I faked my death in 1987 so I could better infiltrate the Soviet Union and singlehandedly bring down the Evil Empire. Since then I've been spending my days in quiet retirement, but it is ever more evident that my country needs me again. So I insulted The One and mocked his intelligence policy, confident that it would land me right in the hands of the intelligence community I once led. So far, so good."

[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Why is a mouse when it spins?"

[Casey] "Brussel sprouts at twilight."

[Senior CIA Interrogator] "Wow, it is you. This is amazing!"

-----------------

to be continued...

---------------------------

* Old news, but maybe you never heard about it.

Amerika still barry barry good

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 (This is a carefully crafted saga. Reading the parts in correct order preserves the full awesomeness. Plus, part 4 kinda stinks - if you read it first you might not bother with the other parts which would be a big mistake!)
------------------------
Part 4

[Obama shouting to crowd of reporters] "I can't believe you people out here in DC, freaking out about a little bit of snow. See, I can walk around in this weather in my shirtsleeves, because I have that special flinty Chicago toughness! What you're seeing right now is the flinty toughness I'll use to stare down Russian President Michael Medvededeveded, his buddy Putin and of course Achmedinejad. In fact I won't be surprised to see bin Laden coming out of his frozen cave saying 'So Cold! I geeve up! I no can match flinty toughness of new infidel president.' C'mon, people! It's just snow and sleet!"

[Gawking crowd of frigid reporters marvels at The One] "Wow, even the seasons are subject to his awsomeness!"

[Obama finds door to White House, enters, shivering convulsively] "Holy Crap-a-roni! I'm freezing! Turn up the thermostat, NOW!"

[Anonymous Staffer] "Yes, m'lord. Right away."

"Special Delivery from FedEx for President Obama!"

[Obama, signing electronic FedEx clipboard thingy] "Oh, goody! My stickers already came!"

[Ram E.] "Sire, it is so good to see the delight on your face. If I'd known you so enjoyed stickers, I'd have ordered more of them for you."

[Obama, raising arm to backhand Ram, Ram ducking] "I'm sick of your mockery. That was very embarrassing for me the other day when I got locked out on the porch. It was also VERY cold and I don't like being cold. So I ordered up some stickers to put on the windows."

[Ram E.] "Oh, no, sire! That wasn't intended as mockery. We just a bunch of 'yes men' who like to see you happy!"

[Obama, fumbling with a sticker] "See how it is transparent and the bottom half is backwards? That means that no matter what side of the window I'm on, I'll be able to read at least half of it. The right-wingers will never again be able to laugh at me getting lost on the porch, scratching at the window like a lunatic."

[Ram E.] "Sire, that is magnificent! Such forethought! Such problem-solving skills and initiative!"

[Obama] "Hey, anonymous disposable intern, put one of these on every window in this entire White House. Then go outside in the cold and make sure they're straight and easily read."

[Anonymous intern, clicking heels] "Aye, master!"

[Axelrod enters] "Yoish! It's roasting in here. 'Bams, I know you're from hot places like Hawaii, Kenya and Indonesia, but wow, man!

[Obama] "Don't forget about when I was younger and I traveled to Pakistan illegally on my Indonesian passport!"

[Axelrod] "Yeah, there, too! But really, 'Bams, You could grow orchids in here!"

[Obama] "Yeah, I could grow orchids. I could grow other stuff, too." [playful gestures of smoking a bong hit] "I'm just really thankful that my minions are so willing to turn down their thermostats, offsetting my prodigious carbon bootprint. If they ever thought to look past my blantant hypocrisy, I don't know what I'd do. So how's it going with our stimulus package?"

[Axelrod] "We got Pelosi to pull some of the most divisive junk out of it, be we still couldn't get one single republican to go along. In fact, 11 dems voted no. We're hoping to do better in the Senate, where we have McCain and Grahamnesty to marshall the RINOs to our side."

[Obama, jaw and fists clenched] "How dare they oppose my stimulus! I am The One!"

[Axelrod] "Their logic is that this is horrible legislation, and when it completely fails, they can go on TV and say 'Neener-neener!! We didn't vote for it! In 2010 all ur congressional seats r belong 2 us!"

[Obama, tearing shirt] "NOOOOOOOOOO!" [Runs down the hallway, flipping over endtables and a lamp]

[Axelrod] "Bams! Wait! There is other news, and it is very good! Come back!"

------------------------------------------------------------

Wacky Scandal-Ridden Hair!

Which washed-up, scandal plagued former democrat leader has the most outragous hair?

Blago, Traficant, or Edwards? Is cracked-out hair a reliable indicator of scandal? If so, who is next?

To receive full credit on this pop quiz, please show your work in the comments.

Blago, Blago, wherefore art thou, Blago??

Well, the Fightin' Illini have spoken. Hot Rod's term as governor ist kaput. I'll miss Blago, because hearing him speak is mesmerizing - a lot like when I overhear the homeless guy in the park muttering to himself while he "waters" the trees with an empty milk jug. Is he speaking nonsense, or is it truth so profound that I can't fathom it? Sadly, we may never really know.

In any case, he's playing high-stakes poker and running out of chips. He's burned the Senate appointment chip and lost the Governor chip. About all he has left is the rat-out-all-my-former-allies-and-hope-for-leniency chip. Play it well, sir.

Obama's Interview on al-Arabiya

Yeah. First televised interview given to al-Arabiya instead of CNN, MSPMSNBC or one of the other alphabet networks who basically handed him the election with their coverage. You'd think he'd owe quite a debt of gratitude to them, and give them first dibs on an interview. But nooooo....

Maybe he owes a greater debt of gratitude to, um, uh, oh, you fill-in-the-blank. When the interview became a little confrontational, President Obeyme is reported to have said acidly "Can't I just eat my falafel?

Amerika barry barry good and then some

Part 1 (Smart people click here first and read them in order)
Part 2
----------
Part 3

Nancy Pelosi stood before the crowd, the photographers' flashes catching Madame Speaker's eyelids in various stages of blinkage - a disturbing effect, amplified in a macabre way by the unnatural appearance of her face. Her skin was both saggy and stretched immeasurably taut at the same time, a paradox not yet explainable by anything in modern science.


"Good Afternoon. Before taking any questions, I'd like to take a moment to emphasize my support of contraception in all its forms. My colleagues in the House believe similarly, so our Economic Stimulus plan includes much spending on contraception. Children have become a nuisance. There should be many fewer of them. They are expensive and are draining the coffers of state governments across our nation. Many states - mostly the backwards ones towards the center of the country - are less approving of abortion than we enlightened eugenists I mean progressives. Hence the importance of providing them with subsidized contraception. We most stop these rubes from having offspring."


Madame Speaker, how do you reconcile your Catholic faith with these positions?"


"As speaker of the most honest, ethical and transparent Congress, evah, I'll be totally frank. I could care less about that. As a kid, we used to take on an Archie Bunker accent and joke about 'Da Catlick Church'. They are far too conservative in this area for my tastes, with all that sanctity of life business. I still claim to be Catholic only when it is politically advanatgeous for me to do so - like when I'm addressing a crowd of illegal aliens and seeking their votes and support. In short, I would rather parade with the frolicsome sodomites in my home district than attend a Mass."


"Madame Speaker, wouldn't it be better to grow the economy and get people employed in better jobs, so they could afford to raise their kids without state assistance?"

"Sir, you have never been to Kansas City, have you? Mile after mile of barefoot children milling aimlessly through the trailer parks. Experience has shown that no wage is high enough for these sorts of people to do the right thing. They can always seem to afford their meth and ammo and fatter tires for the backs of their TransAms, but contraception? Noooooooo, there's never enough money in their budgets for that! Therefore, we will provide it at taxpayer expense. Minimizing the numbers of children in flyover country is really that important. In the long run, we will save money on welfare, schools, healthcare costs, and of course there will be fewer conservatives in the next generation. It is win-win all the way around."

-----------------

President Obama watched the news coverage of Pelosi's announcement. Confusion gave way to rage. Obama reached for the phone. After some delay, he spun it 180 degrees so that the ear and mouthpieces were properly oriented. "GIBBS! Have you been watching the news?"

Press secretary Robert Gibbs nearly soiled himself at the harshness of Obama's tone. "No, sire. I've been online, browsing my wikipedia entry."

"Pelosi's trying to screw up our stimulus package by inserting contraception spending into it. That is unnecessary and divisive and not to be tolerated when the nation is facing such a crisis. Get out there in front of the press and straighten this out! I'm too busy working on my memoirs to do it myself, so I'm Counting On You!"

"Oh, sire! Thank you for that confidence. I shall not let you down!"

--------------

[Crowd of reporters] "Where's President Obama? We want to hear him, not you!"

[Gibbs] "Our dear leader is working on his memoirs, but I have a message from him."

[One reporter to another] "Memoirs?! This is wonderful news!"

[Reporter responds] "Indeed! I've already pre-ordered 5 copies! I realllllllly hope he'll autograph one of them!"

[Gibbs] "Madame Speaker Nancy Pelosi was announced a controversial program of spending billions on contraception as part of the economic stimulus. The Obama administration denounces this brand of divisive, partisan politics. The American people want change and voted for change, and the middle of a financial crisis is no time for stirring the pot of discord. Unity is the only option. Therefore, the centerpiece legislation, the one act that President Obama once said would be the very first thing he'd sign, the Freedom of Choice Act, must be passed. It would remove all state and local restrictions on abortion, even that pesky parental notification baloney! With this act we'll finally solve the pro-this and pro-that divisiveness that has gripped our nation since Roe v. Wade! There will be blanket abortion rights for every state in the union! What a marvelous example of bringing people together!

[Chanting] Yoo-nit-ee! Yoo-nit-ee! [Assembled reporters cheering]

"Further, this act is just the tip of the spear in our battle against the baby menace. President Obama has rescinded that awful Repulican Executive Order banning our international aid money being used to fund abortions overseas! Yes, finally, your patriotic tax contributions can now be applied in distant lands. As that evil BOOOOSH used to say of terrorists, "It is better to fight them over there than in our own back yard." We can now take the fight to our enemies, no matter where they are! This brings us to the reason Pelosi's contraception issue must be defeated... The abortion industry suffered greatly under the rule of BOOOSH The Younger. How can we provide stimulus to this beleaguered industry if all the babies are prevented from ever being conceived? Yoo-nit-ee! Yoo-nit-ee!"

[Average no-name reporter] "Wow! Can you believe that our dear leader has already solved the pro-choice/pro-life battle in just his first week in office?"

[Another no-name reporter] "He's amazing! Next thing you know he'll have Hamas and those smelly JOOOOOS living as loving, caring neighbors!"

-----------

President Obama glanced away from the memoir chapter open in his word processor and glimpsed the coverage of Gibb's press conference. "Exxxxxcellent."

Amerika barry barry good to me, continued...

Part 1 (for those who struggle with chronological order)

---------------------
Part 2

As President Obama finished his warm-up dance, a maid arrives with the carton of Newports.
"Phew. That was some vigorous dancing. Don't think I really need any weightroom work today after all that. You guys have seen my pecs, right? So then of course you agree I don't really need to lift."

"Yes, sire. You are built like a pro wrestler, but without that artificial steroidy look."

"Thanks for noticing. Hey, Ram & greggycraig, let's go outside and have us a smoke or two."

[both]"Lovely idea, m'lord."

Out on the balcony, the three light up. The President leans casually against the handrail.

[greggycraig]"Sire, forgive me, but as White House Counsel, I must advise you that you are less than the mandated 10' distance from the door. Some of your smoke might waft inside. Our friends in the Trial Lawyer industry claim this can be deadly, and potentially actionable in court."

[Obama, looking disinterested but feigning interest] "Greggycraig, I truly appreciate your concern and all that you do for me. But I'll remind you this One.Last.Time. - I Won. That trumps the law. And even if I were constrained by laws, I'll also remind you that I'm a Constitutional Scholar, a former editor of the Harvard Law Review. If some Trial Lawyer dared to sue me, I'd represent myself." [Sinister grin] "Yessssssss, I'd love to meet the lawyer who would dare to face me!"

As the three were enjoying the brisk winter air, VP Biden strolls onto the balcony. "Hey guys. How's it goin'?"

[Ram] "We were having a pleasant break from the stresses of running the country."

[Biden] "Think I'll join you. Being VP is harder than I thought. Maybe I should have taken that SecState offer. " [Nodding towards Obama] "That way I'd be in foreign countries most of the time and my interpreters could translate for me in ways that make me seem less stupid. But the VP doesn't have much to do except appear on talk shows. Talk shows. You guys know how I love to talk. That's why I was perfect as a Senator, ya know. But it is really hard to keep myself and my wife from saying too much or even giving away state secrets. 'Cuz ya know, once I get rollin'... Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I was on TV with..."

[Ram] "Yes, Joe. Repeatedly."

[Obama] "Enough of your nonsense! The air-raid killing of various people, both innocent and not, in Pockystahn is going well. But my predecessor, that fool BOOOOOOSH, allowed many to live long enough to be captured. As you know, some are now detained at Gitmo. This is troubling, as some in the world who should be admiring me are not yet. They want to see Gitmo closed. Therefore I want to see Gitmo closed - that my adoration might proceed unhindered. But what to do with the detainees?"

[Ram] "Sire, Those foolish Republicans think we should house them in Alcatraz."

[Greggycraig] "The idea isn't entirely without merit, sire. The Rock is administered by the National Park Service. They have no..."

[Biden] "What a sec. All ya gotta do is send 'em to Scranton. I'm from Scranton, so I should know. When my dad from Scranton was raising me in Scranton, he always told me 'Son, people from Scranton don't take any crap. You keep that in mind. You're from Scranton, kid.' So if the detainees behave, like everybody does in Scranton, fine. If they act up, well the people in Scranton will deal with 'em. Like I said, I'm from Scranton, so I oughta know what the people in Scranton would do if we sent to detainees to Scran..."

[Obama, Ram, greggycraig, in unison] "SHUT UP!"

[Biden leaving in a huff]

[Greggycraig] "M'lord, As I was saying, the National Park Service has very little security capability. The ranger guys with the big hats who write tickets for littering in the woods would be unable to adequately secure those vicious, vicious detainees."

[Obama] "But some of those detainees are Muslims - followers of the Religion of Peace. How dangerous can a bunch of peaceniks be?"

[Greggycraig] "Oh definitely harmless, sire. They seek only peaceful coexistence with us. But we need to paint them as being very, very, evil. That will allow you to raise a private army, answerable only to you, to secure Alcatraz. The press and the American people of course will understand that Ranger Rick is not up to the challenge by himself, and with your Superior Presidential Foresight, you recognize the need for ruthless, well-armed thugs to guard the island."

[Obama] "I like where you're going with this."

[Greggycraig] "Oh, thank you, sire. You're too kind. This personal army would be answerable only to you to prevent the inhumane treatment and torture of detainees" [wink, wink] "that has gone on under ordinary military supervision."

[Obama] "Of course you realize that my band of thugs will need to hone their thuggishness by whuppin' on detainees. Regularly and often."

[Greggycraig] "Absolutely, sire. We can't have a band of thugs who aren't skilled at brutality. And, sire, one never knows when a well-armed personal army might come in very handy!"

[Obama] "It's exactly this kind of legal counsel that makes me proud I hired you, greggy. However, you, unlike me, are a rotten liar.

[Greggycraig, cringing] "Sire? Whatever I've done, I apologize! I prostrate myself before you and beg your mercy!"

[Obama] "Ha! Sorry, um, that didn't come out right. I meant that I am an excellent liar, while you, my friend, just aren't that good at it. Therefore I'll handle this announcement. Ram, summon my legions of swooning reporters! I have a Gitmo announcement for them!"

------------------------

To be continued. If I feel like it.

Amerika barry barry good to me

Week I

The door to the Oval Office opens abruptly, and a disquieted Obama looks away from his computer screen with a frown. "Rahm, you just interrupted my first vanity google of the day, so this better be im-por-tant!"

"Sire, the press are outside, demanding a conference!"

"So? Give them an 'I Love You, Too' from me. That should chill them out for a while"

"But, Sire, it's abou..."

[Obama looking forlorn] "I'm on the fourth page of search results, and there are a lot of people saying bad things about me. About 48%, even."

"Sire, do not be dismayed. Those posts are from right-wing bloggers. We don't care about their thoughts. Besides, they are never happy. Many even complained about that super-arch-conservative war-monger George W. Bush. Even their ultra-ultra-rightist war-hero candidate suffered many verbal barbs at their hands. Particularly the Malkin woman. She's full of hate. Never says anything nice about anybody. If the Messiah himself were to..."

[Quizzical look on Obama, tinged with anger] "I thought I was their messiah!"

"Sire, I speak of that long-haired fellow from that ancient book."

"Book?"

"Yes, Mel Gibson also made a movie about him a few years ago."

"Oh, that guy. I saw that movie once. I was too stoned to remember much from it, though. Continue, please."

"Anyway, if their Messiah himself appeared before them, they would cling bitterly to him, at least in public. But on their blogs, they would snipe, snark, and complain. It is all they do."

[boyish grin on Obama] "I see. Thank you. Oh, and that 'cling bitterly' line? I'm sooooo stealing that one!"

"As you wish, sire. But we need to address the press right away. They want to know about the deaths in Pakistan, and about our plans for continuing missile attacks from unmanned aircraft."

[Obama growing angry]"I didn't authorize any such thing! Get greggycraig in here NOW!"

"You called, sire?"

"Greggycraig, weird things are going on in Pockystahn. Did you issue another Executive Order without explaining to me what was in it? Again?"

"No, sire! That was a continuation of Bush's policy! Really, it wasn't me this time!"

"BOOOOSH?!"

[Rahm] "Yes, but such actions are very popular with the American people. Your approval ratings have soared since this news was broadcast. They believe you are a fine leader and will kill many terrorists. In fact, they don't care who you bomb, as long as it has 'stan' in the name"

[Obama seething with rage] "My mother was named Stan! I'm tellin' ya, one more 'yo mama' joke and I'm gonna cure your indigestion!"

[Rahm and greggycraig cowering in fear] "Indigestion, sire?"

"Yeah. And I'll start calling you Ram instead of Rahm. Cuz I'll ram my foot so far up your backside your acid reflux will be cured. It'll be replaced by Gucci Loafer Reflux!"

"So sorry I wasn't more clear, sire. I wasn't talking about your dear marxist mother. I was talking about countries whose names end in ess tee ay en."

[Boyish grin on Obama] "Oh. OK, then. Kill more. Many more. Kill as many as it takes."

[Greggycraig exiting] "Yes m'lord. Right away."

[Rahm getting anxious] "Sire, the press awaits. We'd best not take too long, lest they grow testy and begin asking actual questions."

"Oh #^$%, you're right! We better step on it. And not in it! Ha!"
-----------
"Mr. President, many Pakistanis were killed by our military forces yesterday. We thought there would be a change in that policy. Please explain this to your fawning minions."

[Obama composed and dignified]"Thank you for the question. First of all, when I air-raid villages and blow up wedding parties, I do it only in the most compassionate ways. I am not a barbarian like my predecessor who blew up levees in New Orleans. Secondly, I have outsourced production of all military equipment to China. When the Pockystahneez inspect the damage, the only missle fragments they find will be printed with unreadable Chinese runes, so they'll never suspect it was us. It is called 'plausible deniability.' You'll be hearing that phrase a lot from my administration, so look it up now if you don't know what it means."

"But Mr. President, wouldn't it have been wise to keep that outsouring information a secret?"

"Not really. The New Your Times would have blabbed about it before the end of the week. "

[Helen Thomas] "He's right, you know."

"Now then, I've answered ONE single question, which concludes today's press conference. I won't be answering any more. Adieu."

[Chris Matthews, under his breath] "Oh, he's so dreamy! I just love his new policies for handling terrorists in Pakistan! And he speaks French, too! What more could a man ask for?"
------------
"Ram, that was seriously stressful! I need to a good workout to burn off some stress. Then a few cigarettes immediately afterward."

"Sire, your personal gym is prepped and ready for you. I'll have the maid fetch your carton of Newports."

"Thanks" [Obama inserting earbuds and fiddling with his iPod] "But first a few dance steps to stretch out." [Obama dancing, eyes closed, oblivious to the world]

[Ram to greggycraig, mumbling softly] "Ha! He dances like a white guy!"

[Obama angrily removing earbuds] "Ram! You really think I didn't hear that?!?" [Points to large, pendulous ears] "Nothing gets past these babies!"

"No, No, Sire! I said 'When you dance, it brings a tear to my eye!' You truly are that graceful."

[Boyish grin on Obama] "Oh, sorry." [Continues dancing]
--------------------

To be continued...

Obama pokes hornet nest with stick

Active discussion in Hot Air headlines regarding this. Obama is showing himself easily rattled. Heh. The old saying regarding the press was that one shouldn't get in a whizzin' contest with somebody who buys ink by the barrel. While print media is on its way to the museum, the same wisdom applies with other media. Especially Rush Limbaugh. Three hours a day to many millions of listeners. Even those who can't stand him pay attention to him, as proven in Obama's quote at the link above.

This is the prelude to what I predict will be a dynamic shift in the media. The blogosphere as we now know it didn't exist the last time a donk was in the White House. The left enjoys citing the vast numbers of hits and users their big sites have - they have indeed prospered in these early years of blogging and independent media. With the mainstream papers dying off, and the network TV news slobbering praises all over Obama, though, the righty blogosphere is well positioned for a profound boost in popularity and influence. Every verbal fumble, every heavy-handed tactic of the new administration will be much more closely scrutinized, talked about, and laughed at than what Clinton faced. Obama has already revealed the chink in his armor - a thin skin.

What really, is a political blogger, but a critic? An often sarcastic critic. A well-read and well-connected critic. We don't command armies or make huge appropriations decisions. All we have to offer in this fight are words. Obama's biggest vulnerability is also our greatest strength. Words.

Fight Hard.

What's up with the name?

Back in 11th grade I took an Anatomy class. Yes, we dissected cats. Yes, it was nasty at first by after a few days it became no big deal, except for the formaldehyde smell that kind of just lingers on ya all day. The teacher was VERY enthusiastic about the subject of anatomy. Because of his exuberance, I still remember a lot from that class even now 20+ years later. The teacher would have us repeat what he said, and he'd like it loud and clear like a drill sergeant. "Okay, class, this is the supraspinous fossa." "Su-pra-spi-nous fos-sa." "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" "SUPRASPINOUS FOSSA!" "Yes, much better!"

Anyway, this guy was a cool teacher. He was also a former Blue Angels pilot, and pretty fired up about just about everything. He even had to take a little time out in the state hospital for a while there, to kind of, oh how shall I say, "re-learn how to keep his fired-upness from getting out of hand." But once he was teaching us about a bone called the os innominatum which literally means "unnamed bone."

Fast forward a year or so to 1987. I was a freshman in college, and I was getting my first exposure to the internet. These were the days of 9600bps dial-up connections and vt-100 terminal emulation. Figuring out the UNIX command line was interesting. Then I found out about an online game called EMPIRE. Kind of like a cross between Risk and one of the Sims. The graphics were really primitive since we were using text-only terminals, but the gameplay was quite engrossing. I needed a name for my country, and my old anatomy teacher's voice popped into my head saying "innominatum." I don't know much Latin, but innominatum sounded like an adjective to me, so I went with innominatus. I liked the idea that my name actually meant "One without a name." I was a EE/CS student, and it reminded me of recursion and of the silly things like GNU (GNU's Not Unix). I also liked that it sounded vaguely sinister, at least to me. Didn't keep me from getting stomped at EMPIRE, though. Eventually the normal people would get tired and log out, but where were always some overcaffeinated superdorks who would stay up all night just to get a little advantage. I was never dedicated enough to do stuff like that, so I got whupped on every time I played. But the handle has kind of stuck, and I've used it as a handle on various online services ever since.

I hope your curiosity is satisfied.

Ha, Ha!

There was funny stuff here once, but I deleted it.