Saturday, February 7, 2009

Amerika barry good? Not sure.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 [you know the drill by now]

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Part 6

President Obama paced about the Oval Office, fingers on chin, with a pensive look about him. Surrounded by his most loyal advisors and confidants, none dared break the silence. Events of the week had borne heavily on their leader, and his anxieties were leaking over onto his staff. Gone was the jubilance of January. The Groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter, an apt metaphor for the drear about the room.

[Obama, quietly] "I look bad because of Daschle. I look bad because of Killefer and Sims. [Sniff] My Stimulus To End All Stimuli isn't well-received. They're having to fly in Kennedy just to try to get enough votes to pass cloture. Just a week ago everybody loved me! Now I can't even get the squishy RINOs to waste money! How could it all go so wrong so soon?"

[Ram E.] "Sire, um, it's always darkest befo.."

[Obama] "Oh, great! Even my Chief of Staff thinks it is a racial issue!"

[Ram E.] "Not at all, sire! Those vile republicans know they are no match for your greatness! They cower before your approval ratings! They reel at your masterful oratory! This is their last, vain attempt at derailing you, but already we've turned Senators Collins and Specter, and Snowe and Martinez are wavering! Soon all will again seek photo-ops with you!"

[Obama, shrugging] "I used to think so... Now... I just don't know..."

[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! How's it all goin' ? Have you heard about KFC's new hot wings that don't need any sauce to be hot? Is that crazy or what? They say the hot is like cooked into the batter or something. Weird. And I can't figure out why they call them Buffalo Wings. Makes people think they're from Buffalo, ya know, where the Bills play and it snows a lot. How could they make hot wings in such a cold place? Am I the only one who realizes this? I know my IQ is higher than just about anybody's but c'mon! I think the whole thing is just a marketing scam. Mr. President, does your stimulus package include anything for investigating marketing scams? Duh. [Facepalm gesture] Stupid question. Your stimulus package has funding for just about everything! And that '5 dollar foot-long' crud from Subway! Doesn't Subway understand sales tax? Do ya really think they'd have a national ad campaign only to sell sammiches in places like OrreGAHN that don't have a sales tax? C'mon! They're either rippin' people off with the ol' bait-n-switch 'Sir, your 5 dollar sandwich comes to $5.78' junk, or they're cheating on their taxes! Speaking of which, maybe you should nominate them to be in your Cabinet! [SnortLOL from Biden laughing at his own joke] Why's everybody so glum? Am I talking too much?"

[Obama] "Yes, Joe, you're talking too much. Someone as smart as you shouldn't even need to ask that question. But the real reason for our dour mood is the multiple hardships this administration has faced in not even three weeks of governance. I've gone my whole life with things being handed to me on a silver platter. I've never had to pace around the room worrying about whether people love me - until now. This presidency thing just might be above my pay grade."

[Biden] "Whenever I have a bout of doubt, oh, hey, 'bout of doubt.' Heh. I could be a rap star! But seriously, there's nothing like a road trip with the guys to enliven the spirit. Ya know, reminiscing about the good ol' days, whistlin' out the car window at the girls, that kind of stuff. I always feel way better after I get out of the car at the end of a nice long road trip.

[Obama] "I'm sure the other passengers in the car also felt much better after you got out at the end of a long road trip. But it is a good idea, Joe. I think I'll take your advice for once."

[Biden] "ROAD TRIP!!! WooHoo! Where are we going?"

[Axelrod, sipping a martini, under his breath] "Please, no. Please, no. Please, no."

[Obama] "Sorry, Joe. It is just too dangerous for us to travel together. If there were, God forbid, some kind of tragedy like a car wreck that killed us both, according to the Constituti..."

[Biden, interrupting] "President Pelosi"

[Axelrod, coughing violently, briefly choking] "Guys! I'm trying to have a drink, here, and you have to mention her? I just coughed a little bit of olive out my nose! That hurt!"

[Obama] "Yes, Joe. That's why we'll never, ever, ever be able to travel together. In fact, we should even try to avoid being in the same room, in case of a meteor strike or something."

[Axelrod, between sips of martini] "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

[Biden, standing tall, like the soldier at attention that he never was because of lame medical deferments during Vietnam] "Mr. President, enjoy your trip. I shall rule in your stead with evenhandedness and wisdom."

[Obama] "Yeah, Joe, whatevs. Just don't break anything valuable"

[Ram E.] "Sire, I've summoned the heavily armored presidential SUV for the trip."

[Obama] "Thanks, Ram, but not this time. Tell them to warm up Air Force One!"
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[Obama walking the tarmac towards Air Force One, surrounded by Axelrod, greggycraig, Ram and CIA director-designate Leon Panetta and a security detail. Reporters crowd around, snapping photos like paparazzi at a celebrity drug rehab center]

[reporter] "Mr. President, where are you headed? Might you be going to the Middle East to bring Peace To All Men?"

[Obama] "Sorry, our itinerary is classified."

[reporter] "Sir, I see that none of your wives are travelling with you."

[Obama, angrily] "Listen, I only have ONE wife. K? I might be a cryptomuslim, but I DO NOT have a harem. Michelle would run me over with a zamboni if she ever thought I had another wife or two."

[reporter] "Sorry, sir. I meant that you're travelling with much of your inner circle, but neither your wife nor any of your assistants' wives appear to be making the trip."

[Panetta makes silent eye-contact with a member of the security detail. The agent turns and heads directly towards the reporter and beats him mercilessly]

[Obama and entourage nearing the stairway up to Air Force One]

[Obama] "Ha, ha! SHOTGUN!"

[Security detail springs into action. Four agents tackle Obama and crew, smothering them with their own bodies to protect the president from shotgun fire. Remaining agents pull concealed UZIs out of their jackets and hose down the row of reporters with sustained full-auto fire.]

[Obama] "Uhh. Um. I meant I was calling 'shotguhhhh' [catches himself before uttering 'shotgun' again] OK? I'm NOT saying there's a weapon aimed at me! I'm just saying I call front seat in the plane!" [Obama, pulls out cell phone] "Gibbs, things just got a little weird down here at the airstrip. There are going to be some awkward questions." [pause] "Yeah, even worse than the other day with Jake Tapper from ABC News. But I know you can handle it and put the right spin on it. You're the best press secretary in the history of forever." [hanging up phone] "Let's go!"
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I can possibly be convinced to continue...

P.S. If that "Jake Tapper from ABC" doesn't sound familiar, watch the vid at the link. It'll make ya smile.

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