30 years ago, our hockey team beat the bad guys in a remarkable win. The Miracle on Ice. I was in 5th grade. I remember it well. I was already a little flag-waving jingoist rah-rah American at that age... Faceoff against the evil godless commies... Rocky IV, in real life...
Two annoying girls from my 5th grade class kept prank-calling my house. Cordless phones were something of an expensive novelty at the time - we didn't have one. But I did have parents who would never get off the couch to answer the phone (or change the TV channel - I was the human remote) so I had to get up over and over and hear their nefarious giggles/click/dialtone. So it is time to name names. Yes, after all these years I still remember them. I can even picture them, for their hideous visages are etched deep in my memories...
Gina Turnberg, the scrawny dark-haired one. Jamie Whalen, the red-headed Amazon who could have probably kicked my butt at the time. To the two of you I say: I hope both of you are enjoying this year's Olympics. I hope you are riveted to your TV. And I hope that when you get up during the commercial to put another snack in your oversized maws, you catch a toe on the area rug and spill salsa all over your new microfiber loveseat. You deserve it.
**UPDATE 3-27-2011: Greetings UK readers! Is it census season on your side of the Atlantic? This post has lately gotten a lot of hits from google.uk so I'm just guessing that is the reason. Here in the USA the census was held last year. I don't know if my suggested answers are relevant at all, but I hope you enjoy them.
Original post below
I saw at Feed Your ADHD some of the supplementary info the gov't wants to unconstitutionally chisel out of us. If I actually filled this out correctly, the world would know more about me than we actually know about our pResident. Here are the questions, along with my suggested answers
What is your name, address, and date of birth? Umm, moron? Didn't you mail this to me? Maybe you should check out what you wrote on the envelope before you sent it.
What is your race? I'm more of a sprinter than a distance guy.
Are you Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin? Hispandex.
Where were you born? In a delivery room, between my mom's legs.
What is your ancestry or ethnic origin? OSU Beaver Nation
How many cars do you have at your house? None. Sometimes there are some in the driveway, though.
Do you have a flush toilet? After a really big meal I have some doubts.
Do you have a sink with a faucet? Yeah, we have running water all the way out here in redneck country nowadays.
How much is your rent/mortgage? Mom lets me stay in the basement for free.
Do you have a second mortgage? How much is it? See above.
Are you covered by a health insurance plan? Which type? Yes. The kind you want to ruin.
Do you have serious difficulty hearing? Seeing? Concentrating, remembering, or making decisions? I have difficulty seeing how you could possibly be any more annoying.
Do you have difficulty dressing or bathing? Do I look like a @#$%^&* hippie to you?
How many times have you been married? In my entire life, or just this week?
When did you last get married? On my 0th anniversary.
Where did you work last? What’s the address? My wife had me take out the trash. See address in question #1, above.
What time do you leave home to go to work? Depends on whether I'm late or on time.
What is your income? Please consult with the vultures at IRS. They have detailed files.
What is your retirement/pension? I know a guy that put a 4" pension lift on his Jeep Wrangler. Is that close enough?
Do you have a VA disability rating? Sometimes it lasts longer than 4 hours and I need to see a doctor immediately.
What’s the most important thing you do at work? Make fun of you on my blog.
pResident Obama emerges from the East Wing master bathroom with a relaxed smile on his face. A girly magazine is rolled in his hand.
[MichelleO] "Barry, what takes you so long in the bathroom? I gotta... Hey! What's that in your hand? You've been..."
[Obama, inturrupting] "Uhh..."
[MichelleO] "I know what you've been up to, barry hussein soetero! That's sick!"
[Obama] "uhh..." [mind racing, to himself] "Dang, there's never a telepromter around when I REALLY need one" [aloud] "Oh, this?" [holds up magazine] "See how old it is? I think Boooosh left it in there. Let me be clear, I was..."
[hesitates] [to himself] "she ain't buying it. I'm dead."
[Obama, aloud] "I mean, you know how I hate it when the little cardboard tube inside the roll of TP gets knocked out-of-round? When I pull some TP off, instead of it going smoothly, it goes like ba-duh ba-duh ba-duh ba-duh."
[MichelleO] "Whaddya mean ba-duh ba-duh ba-duh ba-duh? How many squares are you using? It's not like that stuff just grows on trees!"
[Obama] "Aw, I was just exaggerating for effect. You know full well, that as a leader in the green movement, I only use one square at a time. Anyway, I tried to squeeze the roll back round with my bare hands, but I wasn't strong enough. So I was kind of stuck there. Then I looked around and all I could find within arm's reach was this magazine. So I rolled it up and used it like a crowbar to true up that roll of TP. I never even noticed what kind of magazine it was."
[MichelleO] "Uh huh."
[Obama, to himself] "I think she believes me! Yes! Thank goodness I have so much practice at lying!"
[aloud] "So that roll is nicely round now, and the TP comes off the roll much more smoothly now."
[MichelleO] "You telling me you only use one square?"
[Obama] "It is important for a powerful leader to know how to prioritize, to know when to delegate. I delegate that one square stuff to others. I leave that to the little people."
[MichelleO] "Oh barry, I love you!"
[Obama] "So while I was in there, I did some deep thinking. I want to bounce an idea off you."
[Obama] "I already have Reid talking like he can jam government healthcare through with reconciliation. So with that in mind, I invite, and by that I mean 'practically dare' the rethuglicans to meet with me for a healthcare summit. Then we jump them."
[MichelleO] "Well, Lautenberg has cancer. Specter and Sheets Byrd are both older than dinosaur poo. Tim Johnson just ain't been the same. You may have numerical advantages, but I think they'd whoop on you. Bad."
[Obama] "Ever seen Claire McCaskill when she's mad? She could take down at least a dozen by herself. I just gotta tell her that Scott Brown thinks she's fat and she'll go off like a hand grenade. But that's not really what I mean. As I was deep in thought on the throne in there, it dawned on me - I can convince the repubs that I'll get my way through reconciliation, and this is their last chance to get on board and try to shape the legislation. Of course reconciliation will never work, but they're dumb. They'll think they have to get involved and keep me from getting everything I want. There will be a bunch of compromises and the bill will suck, but that's OK. It will have bipartisan support and it'll get passed. I'll look like a bipartisan hero - a real leader, and all the tea party hate will spread to the rethugs, too. Pretty dang clever, huh?
[MichelleO, Jeremiah Wright voice] "Nah, nah, nah. Not God bless, America... Barry bless America!" [normal voice] "Babe, you're the best! That's pure genius! But from now on, how about just sticking to thinking while you're in the bathroom and staying away from the magazines!"
When I get home from work, I rarely have food with me. So my dogs think I am a lousy hunter. It is a sad thing to go through life without even the respect of one's own dogs.
The Oregon Duck football team usually runs a no-huddle offense. What do you call it when they do form a huddle? A CRIME RING!
There is a recurring internet meme of MichelleO being either a wookie, a bigfoot, or a Klingon. Obama goes to Henderson, Nevada. To campaign for Harry Reid. Connect the dots, people!
Lots of people are talking up CPAC. Whee. CPAC has been around for nearly 40 years and we still have dorks like McCain and Grahamnesty. CPAC would be a lot cooler if there were a lot less speechifying and a lot more hand-to-hand combat.
The sport of curling would be a lot cooler if there were a lot less curling and a lot more hand-to-hand combat. "This is my BROOMSTICK, you primitive screwheads!"
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Tiger Woods had his big boohoo session today. Doesn't matter. His days as The Innocent Hard Working All-American Success Story are over. If I were his agent, I'd recommend embracing his new image. Golf would be a lot cooler if Tiger were sponsored by Marlboro and Pabst Blue Ribbon and he went around the golf course slamming peoples' faces in the divots left by his Harley-Davidson.
In a fortified bunker far beneath the White House, the pResident and his allies are hunkered down in the darkness. A palpable fear permeates the air. Stifled sobs can be heard. Occasionally one of the group dares to flip open their phone to illuminate their surroundings, before unimaginable fear forces both their phones and their eyelids tightly closed.
[Pelosi, lighting her face with her phone - that in itself a scary sight] "How long do you think we can hold out?"
[Rahm Emanuel] "I don't know. Those doors are pretty thick, but those creatures are just relentless."
Footsteps can be heard in the hallway... The door creaks slightly open... The fearful democrats tense up... A strange "p-shhhhhh" noise... Rahm nearly smothers Pelosi trying to mute her crying...
[Rahm, whispering] "Nan, shut up! It'll hear us!"
The lights come on. Vice President Biden swings open the door, a just-opened can of Coke** is in his hand. Senator Reid, his withered body awash in adrenaline, leaps up and turns off the light. He quietly closes the door.
[Obama] "Da** it, Joe! You scared the crap out of us!"
[Biden] "Oh no, did we lose another one? All I did was walk down the hall to the pop machine. What did I miss?"
[Obama] "Patches Kennedy, and then Evan Bayh. They got him, too."
[Biden, in shock] "Whoa... I come down here late at night to use the secure computers to look at smut. They're way faster than the one in my office."
[Obama] "Well, this secret room is our last chance. Our allies are dropping like flies. We're holed up in here and trying to ride it out. But don't turn on the computers or do anything to attract attention. Nobody is safe. That unseen force is turning people into crazy sign-waving Tea Party Animals and causing prominent democrats to lose all hope."
[Biden] "Is it really that bad?"
[Reid] "You have no idea... My seat is lost. Many others. Even Boxer in California is in danger."
[Biden] "Wow. It is even worse than the MSM portrays it."
[Reid] "Yes. We're just about completely screwed. All we can do is hide and hope the tidal wave of this unseen force somehow misses us."
[Biden] "That isn't much of a strategy. We should stand and fight."
[Obama] "Every time we show our faces, it only gets worse. No. Fighting is not the answer."
[Biden, the enormity of their danger finally settling in on him, stuttering] "N-N-Nancy, I-I-I'm ssscared. Please don't light up your face with your B-B-Blackberry screen ag-g-gain. I can't take it!"
[Reid] "I think I speak for all of us when I agree with Joe. It makes your wrinkles look like the Grand Canyon of Doom."
[Pelosi] "FINE! It's not like you're much to write home about, either, Harry. Because you couldn't run your Senate is why we're in this trouble to begin with."
[Obama] "Stop it! This infighting is exactly what the unseen force wants from us. Remember, it is always Bush's fault. I think it is time for the Litany Against Fear."
All assembled begin to quietly chant "I shall not fear. It is all Bush's fault... I shall not fear. It is all Bush's fault..."
[Pelosi] "It's not working! I'm still scared!"
Silence befalls the group. What seems like hours go by without a word.
[Obama, trying to muster some leadership] "We're going to be OK. Listen! It is going to be OK. I'll go out there. I'll go back into campaign mode."
[Emanuel, whispered to Reid] "He's so brave. But he's so toast. All we can hope for is that he'll draw enough fire so the rest of us can survive."
**The Coke machine down the hall comes from something I saw at Basil's Blog
Confession to make: The innomipoint contest has kind of bogged down by my lack of posts lately. I'll be winding it down soon. Today's round, then one more normal round, and then a final exam. Then the winner will be announced, and the prize will be awarded. Remember, newcomers can go back to the earlier rounds and catch up if they're so inclined.
Today's round features three images from my hometown. I was snooping through my sitemeter details which revealed I have a hometown homie stopping by once in a while. Choosing a good town to live in gives that person an advantage, of course. The rest of you will either have to get really lucky or really funny to score.
My 4th grandkid arrived this weekend. Mom and child are well. Also, my church had a married couples' retreat this weekend. We didn't go (mainly 'cuz we were expecting the grandkid) so we babysat 4 toddlers so some other couples could enjoy it "in peace". Whew... Doing 13 hours on the job today feels like getting a break!
Kidlets, kidlets, everywhere - man, their diapers stink!
Toddlers, toddlers, everywhere - I dare not even blink!
iOTW has a post up about Erick at Red State banning Troofers and Birfers. There's nothing wrong with Red State. I used to go there fairly often and still check in once in a while. I'd go there more, but I guess it is just too "mainstream" for my tastes. In other words, I'm much more likely to learn about what's going on at Red State by visiting funky sites like iOTW than I am from actually visiting Red State. I don't say all this to complain about banning or not banning certain topics on a blog. They can do as they please.
But later in the post Erick starts talking about keeping Birthers out of the Tea Party movement. That's where I have a little issue. I'm a semi-birther for lack of a better description. I don't get hung up on the issue. I don't think it is a winning issue to pursue. I disapprove of Obama's records being sealed up so tight. I feel he has things to hide. But he IS in office and trying to move his agenda, and I tend to think that is the bigger fish to fry right now.
The whole point of the Tea Party movement is that it is a spontaneous expression of the peoples' dislike of how our government is functioning. It had its roots in bailouts and tax policy, then became a revolt against socialized medicine. It has absorbed other issues too like anti-corruption and anti-incumbency. It is becoming a catch-all for people who have a beef. I'm cool with that. Originally it was poo-poo'd completely by the media. Now they at least notice it and report on it, though often unfavorably. Herein lays the problem. The Left is in charge right now. They will NEVER see this as a valid movement. People like Erick would like to weed out certain elements that are too "fringy." It doesn't matter to the media, or to those in power, who is part of the movement. If everybody showed up at a Tea Party in an expensive suit and spoke with an Ivy League diction, it would matter very little. The ideologues want to implement their agenda. Period. We will not persuade them otherwise, whether we are "rabble" or "respectable". The only thing that matters is pure power - numbers, dollars, and energy. The Left will never like us, respect us, or choose to do things "our" way, so our only outlet is to amass as many people and dollars as possible and steamroll them. Trying to somehow "legitimize" the Tea Party movement and shepherd it in certain directions is an attempt to turn it into something that it isn't. It is spontaneous and amorphous. It is decentralized. That is its attraction. It ought not be cubbyholed. There should not be a litmus test of who "belongs." Allowing certain prominent individuals to shape it to their liking will alienate some factions whose energy is valuable. This could be the movement's undoing.
Run your blog how you want. Run your mouth how you want. Leave the Tea Party movement alone.
You may not have realized it, but you have been punched by the Iranian mullahs this morning. Or so they tell us. They announced that they have managed to enrich their uranium up to 20% from 3.5%. Need to get to about 90% before it qualifies for weapons-grade. So, not much has changed.
In another area where not much has changed, Obama is calling for a new round of "sanctions." This crap drives me CRAZY! First off, I have much difficulty remembering ANY modern instance of "sanctions" (note generous use of 'scare quotes') actually accomplishing anything. But put that aside for a moment. What I want to know is why we're having another round? If "sanctions" are our strategy, why have we not long ago applied every form of "sanction" we can think of? How bad does a rogue state need to behave before they feel the full wrath of ALL our "sanctions"?
Iran has funded terrorism around the world. Iran has directly contributed to the deaths of many valiant Americans in Iraq. Many Israelis and Palestinians have died by way of Iranian proxies causing trouble. Dissidents have been slaughtered. Barry H. Obowma, (and GWB, for that matter) are you really trying to tell me that while Iran was perpetrating these things, you still held unplayed "sanction" cards? What were you saving them for? Holy crap! There has literally been blood in the streets! And you have been sitting on some unapplied "sanctions"? Spit!
The parent/child analogy is imperfect, but I can't help but fall back on it... Lefty diplomacy is like the permissive parent that catches his child in the midst of misbehavior. Permissive parent begins counting. 1...2...3... The kid, barely a toddler, already knows that he doesn't really have to stop until the parent says "niiiinnnnnne..." Even the "nine" gets drawwwwn way out, so as to avoid having to say "ten!" and actually perform some discipline. The kid, still too young to talk, already knows that "no" isn't really "no." He knows he can continue his misbehavior, in FULL VIEW of the parent, for at least 9 more seconds. Disgusting. Bad enough when a permissive raises a kid this way and a brat results. How much worse to have our government immersed in this same mindset.
I just don't see how this story is going to have a happy ending.
Lights come up. Power chords blast from amplifiers: Dree-dee-dee, dah-dah, deh-deh, dun-dih-dih. Stryofoam columns from a simulated Greek temple fall to either side amidst pyrotechnic flashes. Obama bursts from between the falling columns and slides on his spandex-clad knees while playing air guitar. Here I am! Barack You Like a Hurricane!
[Senate Minority Leader McConnell, yelling to be heard over the music] "Mr. President! We agreed to this bi-partisan healthcare discussion based on your insistence that it would not become a political event!!"
[Rahm Emanuel] "Shut up, before I have to Mitch-slap you! This is a campaign event, not a political event!" [Waves Bic lighter approvingly]
[McConnell] "What's the difference?"
[Emanuel] "He's good at one and not so good at the other. Just give him a sec."
Obama strikes dramatic pose. Fireworks go off in synch to the proud jutting of his chin. Music dies down.
[House Minority Leader Boehner] "Mr. President, are you quite through with the theatrics?"
[Emanuel retrieves icepick and drives it into tabletop menacingly] "Look, John. He won. That trumps, um, anything you care to say about anything."
Boehner calmly grasps handle of icepick and gives it a tug. The tip breaks off in the table, making an audible "bink" noise.
[Boehner] "Come November, your short-lived majorities will be no more. We will crush you. It'll be like Oprah sitting on a jelly donut. You will be totally flattened. What else do you want to talk about?"
[Emanuel] "That's not true!"
[Emanuel] "Not true!"
Senator Tom Coburn whacks Rahm in the back of the head.
[Coburn] "Enough!! Actually, nevermind. Keep yapping. The more you guys talk, the better our polling numbers look. Feel free to waste as much time as you want. The more you hours you burn yammering about our obstuctionism, the fewer hours you have left to screw up the important stuff like reining in spending and stopping Iran."
[Emanuel, looking at C-SPAN camera] "See! See! He's an obstructionist!"
[Coburn] "You ain't seen nothin' yet. The Senate is going to be more obstructed than a Beagle that swallowed a dish towel. Nothing is getting through!"
[Emanuel, adjusts his collar nervously] "Well, um, Sarah Palin writes on her hands!"
[Obama] "People, we're not off to a very good start. Let's hit the reset button on our dialog."
Senator Coburn slaps Rahm in the forehead.
[Emanuel] "Ow! Whadya do that for?"
[Coburn] "I thought I saw a reset button. Sorry."
[Obama] "OK, OK. Time to get down to business. Get down to brass tacks. Hey! Maybe we should raise the tax on brass! Sorry... I get distracted by taxes and shiny things like brass. Whoa, those are some nice cufflinks ya got there!"
[Maj. Leader Reid] "What the pResident is trying to say is: 'what's your price?' What do we have to do to get you to pass this healthcare bill. Seriously. I've passed kidney stones that were less painful than this legislation. Please, just tell me what you need. What your home districts are clamoring for. We'll include it in the next 'jobs' bill, so you can vote 'yea' on this and get it over with."
[Senator DeMint] "I'm just an ordinary red-state kind of guy. I like the simple things in life, like being able to go out for pizza without being assailed by my constituents. No deal."
[Reid] "Look. We're all politicians here. Everybody here has a price."
[DeMint] "Harry, I know you'll roll over like a cheap bagwhore for the smallest political gain. Not us. We're not going to play that way any more. We start over on this bill or we go home."
[Reid] "You know we can't do that."
[DeMint] "I guess that's that then. Adieu!"
Members of the Obstructionist Party stand and leave. They are greeted outside by a throng of Tea Party activists. Linking arms with the departing congresscritters, they break out in song...
So Captain America is now hunting down those evil, rascally Tea Party wingnuts. I s'pose this should tick me off. But try as I might to muster some sarcastic indignance, I just don't have it today. Besides, any comic reader who would enjoy such ghey imagery and actually be influenced by it really doesn't belong on our side anyway. If lefty dorks who like their men with purdy mouths and spandex think people like me are the enemy, I guess that means I'm doing something right.
There goes Palin again... Writing on her hand. How crude. How middle-school. How gauche. How exactly like me! I don't see what's the big deal. I do the same thing all the time. I have a different message on my hand every day. It's like my own little fortune cookie game. I never really know what I'll find on the palm of my hand when I extend my other fingers to match my extended middle one. Here are a few recent ones:
The Iranian supreme leader, Azzahollah Khamenei, has been making noise about "punching" us on February 11th. I'm not sure I feel terribly threatened by him throwing a punch at me. C'mon, he looks like some kind of bizzaro-world Santa on meth, trying to explain to Chris Hansen "but it is normal in my country to send the dirty e-mail to young boy!" Maybe he's secretly a black belt in Dumb-Fu and can break a brick with one well-placed punch. But I doubt it. I'm bettin' his hardest punch ain't even hard enough to jiggle the jello. So then, what does he really mean?
Is he planning some actual terrorism man-caused disasters? If so, why announce it ahead of time? While the odds of barry actually doing anything about it are slimmer than barry's dainty wrists, the pResident might do something. So why tempt fate? If not, is he just going to make some "big" announcement like "Yesterday we shoot turtle into space! Cower before our mighty power!"
Could it just be saber-rattling? You know, to get his restless peeps to chill? Is it long-dormant homosexuality breaking out of its latency? Is he just mentally whacked? Is some ugly burka-wearing hag going to blow up herself and a bunch of yuppies in an IKEA parking lot? What gives?
Usually I'm the answer guy who has all the answers. But not this time. I don't get it...
I grew up in fear of being heard speaking the f-word or the s-word. Those were about the only ones we had to worry about. But the list has been growing. Recently the word "[r-word deleted]" has been added to the unspeakable words list. I am a stickler for Political Correctness and am loathe to accidentally insult anybody by insensitive use of language, so I announce that I will not use it anymore except in those times that the context is unmistakable. For example "fire retardant" remains acceptable, especially when suggesting that Governor Kulongowski should lose his job. The acceptable vs. un-PC list of words is ever-changing. As of right now, (Friday 2-5-10, 11:33am) this is the current alphabetical list for your reference, and a suggested substitute.
a-word: banned. Instead use "That part of Obama's anatomy that he pulls "jobs saved/created" stats out of"
b-word: banned. Instead use "Hillary when she's been in uncomfortable shoes for about 9 hours"
c-word: banned. Instead use "Joy Behar" as in "her Behar muscle is cramping."
d-word: Safe to use
e-word: Safe to use
f-word: banned. Instead use "freaking" or "fark" depending on context. Unless you're a local news broadcaster with a chicken fetish and the cameras are on, then fire away.
g-word: safe to use
h-word: some geese don't honk, use with caution.
i-word: banned. Obama has used up all available "I"s for this budget cycle.
j-word: safe to use
k-word: is there a k-word?
l-word: banned. Instead use "Progressive" or "RINO"
m-word: safe to use
n-word: banned. Instead use "Annoying race-baiter like Al Sharpton"
o-word: safe to use. For now. If Obama continues to screw up, though, the o-word might make a useful epithet.
p-word: safe to use.
q-word: this word's status changes often, under the queerest of circumstances. Presently safe to use. Check with this list for status changes before using in polite company.
r-word: banned. Instead use "Keith Olberman"
s-word: banned. Instead use "economic outlook" when following "deep" or "Congressional Ethics" when following "bull"
t-word: safe to use
u-word: safe to use
v-word: very banned. No viable substitute. Just completely stay away from this word.
w-word: safe to use. In fact, use of this word is encouraged. "Gee, I really miss dubya!" should be included in every paragraph of every document
x-word: safe to use
y-word: safe to use
z-word: safe to use
Please advise immediately if you become aware of any additions to this list!
Jim Treacher, conservative internet humor hero and one of the very first commenters on this highly esteemed blog, got Kerrigan'd be the Secret Service last night. They used to say "beware the black helicopters" but because of barry's unholy deficits they can't afford them and are now using black SUVs. Keep your head on a swivel, people!
Now they're saying it wasn't Secret Service but rather State Department Security. Translation: Hillary going for a drug-induced joyride with her face out the window like a Labrador. Thankfully, this means you don't have to worry about the black SUVs unless you live in DC. Black helicopters, though, are still to be avoided. The helicopters have gear on board that reads your brainwaves based on the refractive index of the chemtrails left high in the atmosphere by government controlled UFOs. Tinfoil screws up the harmonics. What any of this has to do with Jim Treacher, I dunno. I just kind of got going on a good ramble and can't stop - like a recalled Prius that hasn't been to the dealership yet.
President Obama has a noticeable spring in his step following his State of the Union address given last week. Rasmussen's Daily Tracking Poll shows the beleaguered pResident now only 6 points under water following his speech and his meeting with Congressional Republicans in Baltimore. This is a marked improvement over recent polls that showed him being detested to the tune of -19 on the Passion Index. These current numbers show that individuals now favor the pResident somewhat more highly than a toothache and just below stale cheese.
When asked for a comment, the pResident bounced off the walls and woohoo-ed like Daffy Duck. "Me so happy! Me tax you loooong time!" he said between woohoos. Holding a printout of a Rasmussen screen-cap in reporters' faces, the pResident said insistently "Look at this! That's what I'm talking about!" with only a tinge of negro dialect. He then cradled the printout to his face "Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm! Still warm from the laser printer!" Getting additional comments from him proved fruitless, as the pResident bolted down the hall and continued to shove the printout in peoples' faces. "They like me! They really, really like me!"
Spokesdork Robert Gibbs was a bit more subdued. "The pResident said a few months ago that he ignores the daily polls. That's only true when they're bad. He is incapable of digesting any form of bad news. He just tunes it out. Or blames Booosh. But as soon as things look good, he's quick to jump all over it and claim the credit. Please don't quote me on this next part: Staffers are quietly beginning to wonder if the pResident may be suffering from some kind of imbalance, or perhaps early-onset senility. Very little of what he does any more makes any sense." (Sorry, Robert. I forgot not to quote you on that. My bad. -ed). "I'm scared of what he'd do if his polls ever got back into positive territory."
White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel may have summarized it best: "He's just a [bleep]ing retard."
Say what you will about Sarah Palin: Quitter. Chillbilly. Future President. Huntress Queen of the North. Whatever. She gets more done with one Facebook post than I'll ever accomplish in a hundred lifetimes. In case you don't want to click (it is a politico link, so I understand) the gist of it is Rahm Emanuel said that the far-left progressives are "f**king retards" for criticizing the administration. Palin raised a stink about the harsh phrasing and the insult it is to people with disabilities, and demanded Rahm apologize or be fired. The mean, scary, icepick-weilding Chicago thug wilted under the pressure and offered up his apology.
But better still, that makes a pretty good excuse to re-post this oldie but goodie from back in, like, February. I had a readership of about 2 (me and the googlebot) back then, so you may not have seen this one. Hope ya like it!
That's barry special!
Obama and his entourage are gathered in the White House media room. A very large HD TV displays Sean Hannity discussing VP Biden's claim of a 30% chance of failure in Obama's stimulus package. A somber Obama clicks the remote over to CNN. CNN analysts are likewise discussing Biden's comment. More clicks of the remote, more discussion of Biden.
[Axelrod] " 'Bams, quit worrying so much. We know the package is worse than that, so Joe is actually giving you more credit than you deserve. Cut him some slack."
[Ram E.] "Sire, Biden suggests you have a 70% chance of success! A batting average of .700 would shatter all records! Indeed, m'lord, it seems you ought to be taking pride in this moment yet you are deflated. I just don't understand."
[Obama] "No, you don't understand. I felt like I had to pick Biden to offset the republican claims that our ticket lacked experience. I wanted to pick Evan Bayh, but nooooooooo, you had to talk me into Biden." [Dirty look towards Axelrod]
[Axelrod] "Bayh's a stiff! He's got less personality than McCain, and I never thought that was possible."
[Obama] "He may be a stiff, but remember, 'dead men tell no tales.' He would've just been silent and stayed out of the way, unlike your Biden. Enough of this, I'm ready for some good news for a change." [Obama clicks over to al-Jazeera]
[Arabic dialog on the TV - understood by Obama, but gibberish to the rest. Biden's face appears on screen] "The Iraqis need to step up. This failure to reach reconciliation, the ongoing violence, the sectarian strife needs to come to an end, or this administration will be forced to barge into a sovereign country and put our foot down. We won't put up with this."
[Iraqi PM Maliki speaking, subtitled in English] "Biden is an ass. His observations are woefully out-of-date. He speaks of a situation that was resolved years ago. Seriously, the big cities of my country are safer than the big cities in America. I question Biden's mental health, and Allah willing, I will strike Biden's mouth with a closed fist. I also question, you, President Obama" [Maliki leans in close to camera] "Why do you tolerate this fool in your administration?"
[Obama, disgusted] "OK, you know things are going poorly when even my al-Jazeera coverage is negative." [Flipping through rolodex, stopping at Biden's number, dialing it.] "Joe, I have a very important mission for you to accomplish. Please get down here right away." [Hangs up] "OK, guys, he'll be here in about 5 minutes. That means we have about 5 minutes to come up with a crucial administration policy for Joe to head up. Think 'Hillary and healthcare reform' from about 15 years ago. Start thinking.'
[greggycraig] "We could put him in charge of energy independence"
[Obama] "Hmmm... Maybe... Actually... NO! [Fierce look on Obama] "He openly differed with me regarding coal usage!"
[Ram E.] "We could make him Climate Czar. Since nobody takes Al Gore seriously anymore, maybe we should pass that torch to Joe."
[Obama] "If we pass a torch to Joe we'll all end up in the burn ward."
[Obama] "Tell me more - but hurry, he'll be here in about a minute!"
[Axelrod] "It's in Idaho this year. That's about all I know. Not like I've ever been to Idaho. Not like I'll ever go to Idaho. Not like I want to have anything to do with special needs kids. Geez, I'm getting nauseated just thinking about being surrounded by a bunch of right-wing Idaho hicks and their inbred kids."
[Obama] "Now that's an idea I can work with. Let's send Joe to Idaho on an EX-TEN-DED stay to tackle this issue!" [Obama's cronies laughing and nodding]
[Biden, barging in] "Hey guys! It must be a real important, this whateveritis you want me to go do, since it is so rare that we're all in the same room together."
[Obama] "NORAD assures me that there are no meteors inbound on our location at the moment, so we should be OK for now. But to be safe, we should keep this short."
[Axelrod, putting down drink, tensing up]
[Biden] "Yeah, no kiddin'! The way that fossil Pelosi, I mean, if she ever became President..."
[Axelrod] "Gah!" [Clutches head before collapsing]
[Biden] "As I was saying, about how Pelosi is running the House. Speaking of House, isn't that a weird name for a TV show about a doctor? And NORAD, don't get me started, but I heard they actually let Canadians in there, too. Are we like, allies or something, with Canada? Somebody told me that Canadian radar watches for nuclear missiles coming over the pole from Russia, and they watch the little radar blippy things down here in Colorado. What's the matter with those Canucks? They can build a radar that can see all the way to Russia, but they can't build their own radar displays. And how can Sarah Palin see Russia from her house, and the Canadians can also see Russia from like thousands of miles away, but Alaska and Canada are neighbors? I don't think Palin was being completely truthful. I know Russia is kinda big, but I oh, I get it now. That's how NORAD is able to track Santa every Christmas - without Canadian radar watching the North Pole we'd never know when Santa takes off. I guess those Canadians are good for something after all. Do the igloos up there have chimneys for Santa, or is it more of an icehole? Hey, I kicked Santa in the icehole!" [Biden laughing at his joke]
[Obama] "Joe, you've already caused Axelrod to have another stroke. Let's get down to business. This year the Special Olympics Winter Games are being held in Boise, Idaho. As you may recall, but probably don't, Sarah Palin made some blatant panders to the special needs community during our campaign. It was very cruel of her to do so, because those people, being special needs types, lacked the discernment to see through her deplorable campaign rhetoric."
[Biden] "Oh, I know, it's distasteful. So you want me to go to Idaho and set the record straight."
[Obama] "Yes. Palin thinks she has locked up that voting bloc. It is your task to win them back to our side. The next presidential election isn't for about 45 months, but we can't rest on our laurels. Head to Idaho, and take as long as you need to convince those voters that Palin is evil."
[Biden] "Sir! Yes, Sir!" [Biden exits]
[Ram E. gathers the drink from Axelrod's still-clenched drink-holding hand and splashes some of the liquid on Axelrod's face]
[Obama] "Axe, wake up! Biden's on his way to Idaho. It's safe now."
[Axelrod, groggy] "Dat. wuzzn't. an. act... Just. being. in. a. confined. space. with. that. man. and. breathing. from. the. same. air. makes. my. brain. itch. and. then. I. pass. out."
[Announcer] "Thank you, Boise, for hosting this wonderful event" [Crowd cheers] "I'm pleased to announce that Vice President Joe Biden is here to lend his support!" [Audience members look at each other, unsure whether to be excited or not. Smattering of intermittent applause]
[Biden] "Let the games begin!" [Kids cheer and dash off in various directions, towards their events]
Evening falls, events wind down, kids and families reassemble for the awards ceremony. Most kids are happy, a few are disappointed that they didn't perform as well as hoped. The announcer reads names and scores, while Biden presents trophies and ribbons.
[Biden, goodnaturedly] "Nice job, kid. It's lucky for you that tackle football isn't one of the winter games. I'd have come down there and stomped you into the mud!" [Biden rubs kid on top of head in a friendly manner]
[Kid] "Think so?" [Kid winds up and kicks Biden in shin, bulky corrective shoe maximizing the painful effect] [Biden winces in pain, leans over, grabs shin. Kid bonks Biden on back of head with trophy and exits]
[Announcer] "Thank you families, thank you kids for a great event. That's it for the awards. We're just about done. VP Biden has just a few words for us before we go."
[Biden, eyes still a bit watery from the pain he endured a few minutes prior] "Folks, I'd just like to remind you how important you all are to the Biden I mean Obama/Biden administration. That lying liar who tells a lot of lies, yes, [snooty nasal voice with scornful look on face] Sare-ruh Pay-lin, likes to appear with her special needs kid in public. Yeah, I said 'IN PUBLIC' with her special needs kid. She carries that kid around like some kind of badge of honor, and tells everyone how much she cares about special needs kids. Well, like I said, she's a lying liar." [Boos from the crowd] "Hey! I have security clearance! I've seen classified documents that show that she really wants special needs kids sent to warehouses, where she fattens them up before rendering them into lamp oil. They need the lamp oil up there 'cuz of the long, dark winters." [More boos, shaking of fists] "Oh, you don't think so? There's a lot of classified info I've seen, like about our plans to bomb Iran on St. Patrick's Day, that I can't talk about 'cuz it's classified. But if you'd seen what I've seen, you'd never vote for a republican again!"
[Loud cheers from crowd] [Biden surprised by the crowd's change of mood] "Yeah, I'm gonna bomb Iran and save your kids from the Wolfkiller of the Great White North!"
[Crowd louder still. Biden doesn't see that Sarah Palin is sneaking up behind him, but crowd is all over it.]
[Sarah Palin, grabbing microphone away from Biden] "Say it ain't so, Joe!"
[Biden, shrieking] "Nooooo! Please don't shoot me with a moose rifle!"
[Palin] "Of course not, Joe. I have other things in mind." [Cracks knuckles]
[Biden, dropping to his knees] "Why have you come here? Is it only to embarrass me further?"
[Palin] "Naw, Joe. I was born in Idaho and went to college in Idaho. Idaho is kind of like my version of Scranton. So when I heard all these great kids were going to be here, of course I had to be here for it."
[Biden, still kneeling, clasps hands as if in prayer] "Mercy, please!"
[Palin feigns knee to Biden's solar plexus, stops just short of hitting him] [Biden flinches, coughs up small amount of saliva onto lapel of his expensive suit.]
Later that evening...
[Obama on phone to Biden] "How did it go?"
[Biden] "Well, I got beat up my a middle schooler and Sarah Palin showed up and totally derailed my attempts at smear tactics."
[Obama] "Setbacks are to be expected, Joe. Stay in Idaho and keep trying. I'll be in touch..."
Yeah, the same old crap over and over and over. It's like it's 1979 again. Except we won't get our Reagan 2.0 for about three more years. We have useless fools tainting the White House with their presence. We have an economy in the toilet. Back then, interest rates were about 18%, so we couldn't afford houses. Today we're all so broke and overtaxed that we can't afford houses now, either. We still have Dinnerjacket hanging around and causing problems in Iran. Yes, Achmo was a key player in the Hostage Crisis. Here he his, still being a dicknose after all these years. Who knows what kind of evil he has in mind, but I doubt Obamacarter will do much about it. Yeah, we sent some extra ships to the region. Yay. Better than sending flowers, I guess - but not by much, if the CiC is unwilling to pull the trigger. Why we haven't cruise-missile'd the mullahs' headquarters yet is beyond me. When Reagan bombed K-Daffy's tent, ol' Mo was so scared he spent the next decade and a half trying to get the panic-induced shartstains out of his Colonel's uniform instead of causing terroristy trouble. We can (and should) do the same to the mullahs. But it is Groundhog's Day so nothing will change. No hope, no change, just the same old "dialog" and "sanctions" that have already been repeated ad nauseum.
Obamacarter is like an old vinyl record from 1979. Somebody smack the record player; it's skipping.
So there I was, having a typically mondayish Monday. Not enough sleep, looking at a 13hr day at work. Turn on the 'puter while the coffee pot made its funny noises, and start seeing blog posts about barry's outrageous budget proposal. Ugh. Alright, I'm not really surprised when a tax-n-spend libdork does what he does. Certainly not at all happy about it or willing to overlook it, either, but not surprised. It's about as shocking as seeing a fish swim
But then comes the gall. The brass. The chuztpah('hoot spa' to those of you in Rio Linda).
You come out, barry, to announce your new budget - that has record-breaking deficits - with a line like that? Holy crap! I strive very hard not to hate people. Lots and lots of people deserve it, but I avoid going there. I won't let them be worth it. But barry, ya know, just screw you, boy! man! Go sit on a MagLight and shut your purple lips already! $1.6 trillion deficit this year and $1.3 to $1.8T (depending on who ya ask) next year? And you're simultaneously giving us some "your taxes aren't Monopoly money" baloney? Are you really dumb enough to think we're that dumb? Your "I won" BS last year was annoying enough. It was sickeningly arrogant. But today's lines top it all. Sickeningly arrogant AND condescending AND flippant at the same time.
Today I make an exception to my self-imposed prohibition on hate. For all your screw-ups and heavy-handedness, barry, I hadn't hated you. I really, really, looked forward to you being run out of office as a miserable failure, but I never hated you. Until today. Barry, you disgusting, dishonest POS, you have managed to evoke in me a loathing that I have never previously felt. I hope you're proud of yourself...