Saturday, February 20, 2010

Suggested answers to Census questions

**UPDATE 3-27-2011:  Greetings UK readers!  Is it census season on your side of the Atlantic?  This post has lately gotten a lot of hits from google.uk so I'm just guessing that is the reason.  Here in the USA the census was held last year.  I don't know if my suggested answers are relevant at all, but I hope you enjoy them.

Original post below
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I saw at Feed Your ADHD some of the supplementary info the gov't wants to unconstitutionally chisel out of us.  If I actually filled this out correctly, the world would know more about me than we actually know about our pResident.  Here are the questions, along with my suggested answers
  • What is your name, address, and date of birth?  Umm, moron?  Didn't you mail this to me?  Maybe you should check out what you wrote on the envelope before you sent it.
  • What is your race?  I'm more of a sprinter than a distance guy.
  • Are you Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?  Hispandex.
  • Where were you born?  In a delivery room, between my mom's legs.
  • What is your ancestry or ethnic origin?  OSU Beaver Nation
  • How many cars do you have at your house?  None.  Sometimes there are some in the driveway, though.
  • Do you have a flush toilet?  After a really big meal I have some doubts.
  • Do you have a sink with a faucet?  Yeah, we have running water all the way out here in redneck country nowadays.
  • How much is your rent/mortgage?  Mom lets me stay in the basement for free.
  • Do you have a second mortgage? How much is it?  See above.
  • Are you covered by a health insurance plan? Which type?  Yes.  The kind you want to ruin.
  • Do you have serious difficulty hearing? Seeing? Concentrating, remembering, or making decisions?  I have difficulty seeing how you could possibly be any more annoying.
  • Do you have difficulty dressing or bathing?  Do I look like a @#$%^&* hippie to you?
  • How many times have you been married?  In my entire life, or just this week?
  • When did you last get married?  On my 0th anniversary.
  • Where did you work last? What’s the address?  My wife had me take out the trash.  See address in question #1, above.
  • What time do you leave home to go to work?  Depends on whether I'm late or on time.
  • What is your income?  Please consult with the vultures at IRS.  They have detailed files.
  • What is your retirement/pension?  I know a guy that put a 4" pension lift on his Jeep Wrangler.  Is that close enough?
  • Do you have a VA disability rating?  Sometimes it lasts longer than 4 hours and I need to see a doctor immediately.
  • What’s the most important thing you do at work?  Make fun of you on my blog.

11 comments:

  1. You know, I think if have of the country responds the way I do and the other half responds the way you do, his head will swell up like Keith Olbermann's and explode.

    Would that make us guilty of murder?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can see it now......Keith Olbermann looks into the camera, spits and says "YOU....yes YOU Innominatus are the worst person in the world!"

    Then he explodes. I sure wouldn't want to be the person who has to clean that up.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Snarky - I think we could convince a jury it was a mercy killing.

    Infidel - yeah, just looking at head cheese makes me cringe.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Now that sounds like a great idea, but the little woman (who thinks the government would never do anything without a good reason) is probably going to intercept the census form on arrival.

    ReplyDelete
  5. If Keith Overbite is killed because his vacuum tubes finally took a crap, no judge would convict you.

    It's like a federal statute or something.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I LOVE your answers to this Innominatus. I think you should actually fill it out this way, then copy us and scan it....it would make drudge report for sure!

    PS: I'm happy you liked my answers on your latest quiz! It's cheered me up a whole bunch.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm totally stealing all of these answers. I think we should all answer the same way.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Odie - then I hope the little woman has a sense of humor, too.

    King Shamus - I think they'd throw a parade in my honor.

    Amusing Bunni - back in 1st place!

    Red - Cool. I like being part of a conspiracy.

    ReplyDelete
  9. "I know a guy that put a 4" pension lift on his Jeep Wrangler. Is that close enough?"

    That sentence alone makes it all worth while! In SW PA, there were many people who bragged about their pension lifts! They'd say, "damn straight! I met my wife after I did that 6" pension lift on my Blazer!"

    ReplyDelete
  10. As the great Joe C. would say, "Shazam!"

    ReplyDelete
  11. For the race question, I put an answer that would be perfect for the late Michael Jackson:

    Race: Other, user definable

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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