Superstitions

Growing up, my mom's side of the family was full of silly superstitions.  Spill some salt?  Gotta toss a little over your left shoulder to ward off bad luck.  Shoes CAN NOT go on the kitchen table, even if they're still brand new and in their box, lest one bring on some kind of curse.  Lots of that kind of stuff.  I never took it seriously.  I do play a little game of breaking sports jinxes, though.  The announcer might say something like "Brandon Roy has made nine straight free throws" and I make a game of lunging for the wooden end-table to knock on it before the free throw goes up.  If I fail, he's jinxed and will miss the shot.  OK, we all know that his making or missing the shot has nothing to do with whether I tap the table, but it is kind of fun.  My wife thinks it is particularly funny if we're listening to a game in the car, and the cheezy plastic interior offers no wood to knock on.  But it is all done in jest.

However...

Even numbered years have always sucked for me.  I am at a loss to explain why.   I tell myself that such things are irrational, illogical and just plain stupid.  But the fact remains - for me, even numbered years = financial problems, deaths in the family, vehicle breakdowns, leaky faucets and hangnails.  It isn't that odd numbered years are so great, it is more that odd numbered years just seem to have a lot less of that kind of junk going on.  Which brings us to 2009...

2009 is the odd numbered year that sucked like an even.  Heck, it sucked like a six-pack of evens, all concentrated in one year.  There's no debatin' it.  Does this mean 2010 will be doubleplus-sucky?  No. No!  NO!  The cycle is broken! I ain't fallin' for no banana in the tailpipe this year!   Let me be clear:  Obama and crew, Governor Kulongoski, and libtards everywhere have used up several years worth of suck.  In fact, there will be a severe shortage of suck for several years to come.  Brace yourself.  Gird your loins.  Be prepared.  For 2010 will be the year that doesn't suck!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Terrorist Art Rehab Project

By now, you've no doubt read of the interesting circumstances that surround the attempt to blow up Flight 253.  The underwear bomb.  The secretive videotaper.  The masterminds being released from Gitmo in 2007, who then went through an arts-n-crafts "rehab" facility in Saudi Arabia.

It all sounds so ridiculous.  The most imaginative acid-droppin' screenplay author would struggle to come up with such a whacked-out plot line.  I, myself,  found it utterly unfathomable.  So I gathered a team of investigators to travel with me to Saudi Arabia to find out the real truth.  (This also explains the lack of posts lately: I've been in Saudi Arabia finding out the real truth)

Sadly, the story presented by the media is dead-on accurate.  I even found the rehab facility where these creeps were "cured."  The administrator was kind enough to show us their "final exam" which proved that they were indeed ready to re-enter society.  It is a chilling 5-page document, composed in crayon....

Thankfully, the high-tech security procedures put in place by Janet Napolitano were effective.  The system worked, and the diabolical plot was foiled by a lack of red crayon.  Let us pause and give thanks that our security is in such able hands.

Barry special Christmas

[Sasha] "Daddy, what's the real meaning of Christmas?"

[Obama] "Gee, that's a very important question.  Let me be clear, we must not act unilaterally on this issue."

[Sasha] "Daddy, cut the press conference crap and tell me what Christmas is really about."

[Obama] "Alright.  Christmas is a special occasion that celebrates the fact that I've been pResident for almost one whole year.  The people are so happy about it, that they go out and buy lots of gifts for each other.  It is their way of boosting the economy and helping my sagging approval numbers."

[Sasha] "That's so cool, daddy!  But what about the tree?"

[Obama] "OK, that's kind of a long story.  But I guess we have time, since Congress is saying it may take 'til February to hash out our urgent need for healthcare reform that doesn't kick in until 2014 or so.

Anyway, the tree symbolizes your great-grandpa's heroic struggle against colonialism.  You see, Kenya used to be a great forest.  Then those mean British people came in and cut down all the trees.  Right after that, global warming came in and turned the whole place into a desert.  It was really sad the way the lions were stuck on little patches of grass as everything turned dry all around them.  Like what the polar bears are facing with the ice."

[Sasha] "Wow, daddy, that's awful."

[Obama] "Well, when there was only one tree left in the entire country, your great-grandpa decided he had to act.  He went up to that one last tree and lit it on fire."

[Sasha] "I don't understand.  Shouldn't he have tried to save that tree?"

[Obama] "Well, you'd think so.  But your great-grandpa was a radical mooselimb.  Wanton destruction is how we, um,  excuse me, they express themselves."

[Sasha] "Oh."

[Obama] "See, we can't burn the Christmas tree like great-grandpa did, 'cuz it would set off the smoke alarm.  And Biden would probably end up in the emergency room.  So instead, we just put little lights on it so it kind of looks like it is partway on fire."

[Sasha] "I guess that makes sense.  What about Santa?"

[Obama] "See those two guys over there wearing the black suits?  They are from the Secret Service and they have guns.  If Santa tries to come down our chimney, they have been instructed to shoot Santa in the face."

[Sasha] "But..."

[Obama] "No.  Santa is a fat white capitalist hater who abuses reindeer.  If he lived in Mississippi he'd be wearing a beer-stained wife-beater and trying to convince the cops that his wife got her black eye from falling off the back steps of the trailer.  But since he lives so far north there isn't much news coverage of how rotten he is."

[Sasha] "But giving gifts to good little kids doesn't seem like capitalism.  I think it is more of a generosity thing."

[Obama] "OK, we'll go through this one more time...  Every good thing comes from the government.  Santa is trying to weasel in on my territory.  Plus, he sometimes gives gifts to those teabaggers' kids.  He is NOT ON OUR SIDE!"

[Sasha] "OK, daddy, one more question.  Where does Jesus fit in?"

[Obama] "Jesus who?"

Seasonal music for your enjoyment

Slaves
Americans force to serve, the government
Heed
To Barry's every word, live in fear
Faith
We can elect, some reformers
Act!
Something must be done, or four more years

So let it be written, so let it be blogged
We rise up to oppose The One
So let it be written, so let it be blogged
They must be stopped or we are done
It's creeping debt

Now
Let my people go, dorks in DC
Go
I will be with thee, pitchforks and fire

Ink

Running red and strong through the budget
Plague
Buy votes all day long, swines in mire

So let it be written, so let it be blogged
We rise up to oppose The One
So let it be written, so let it be blogged
They must be stopped or we are done
It's creeping debt


Lies, out of hand
It creeps across the land
Taxing first-born man

Lies, out of hand
It creeps across the land
Taxing first-born man

They
Vote in midnight air, the destroyers
Mourn
But we will soon be there, PO'd mass!
We
Storm the steps and floor, kick them out
Tar
And feathers everywhere, no bills shall pass

So let it be written, so let it be blogged
We rise up to oppose The One
So let it be written, so let it be blogged
They must be stopped or we are done
It's creeping debt

Time on my hands

I'm so used to staring down deadlines and thrashing about trying to finish things, that I'm quite discombobulated by the amount of free time I have until January 4th.  I figured I'd be a bloggin' fool, putting up 4 or 5 posts a day but, but, well...  I guess I'm like a tire - if there's no pressure, I ain't movin' too fast.  But I do have some more thoughts that I really need to get off my chest:

It doesn't matter what size fries one orders from Wendy's.  There is always one - exactly one - that tastes like dirt.  I'm always relieved to get it in the first bite so I can devour the rest without trepidation.

Dante needs to add a new circle for where Harry Reid is going to end up.

My grandson isn't old enough yet to want a Tonka truck.  Probably next year.  But just looking around, the good ol' steel ones are scarce.  A plastic Tonka truck is an insult!  The steel ones last for years, and even begin to rust after a while.  A good, rusty, well-used Tonka truck is a thing of beauty.  Plus, the steel tends to have sharp corners that'll scrape a kid up.  That builds character.

Senator Ben Nelson's (D-Neb) healthcare screwjob counts as a job saved or created.

To combat the scourge of rising sea levels, I propose that the fire department load their tankers with seawater. Then drive well inland, to my county courthouse where there are STILL hippies out front protesting Iraq.  It is still inconclusive whether hippie odor is actually a contributor to global warming, but pressure-washing the stink off them while mitigating beach erosion seems like a win-win to me.


In the last month I've lost about 10 lbs without even trying.  Whatever your goal, if you're trying and not attaining, try not trying so hard.  It might help.

For the record

If you came here expecting some sarcasm or humor, presently I have none to offer.  Hopefully soon.  Perhaps the writing of this post will provide some relief of the anger that is clogging up the ducts of my funny gland.  We shall see.

---------

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

from the US Declaration of Independence                   

I pay my taxes.  Last year there were unexpected tax liabilities that I could not afford to pay by filing time.  I now work two jobs.  Most of that extra income continues to go towards catching up on those old taxes.  The rest goes towards keeping my household finances above water, for I am very committed to being one who pulls the wagon rather than one who gets a free ride on it.  I pay gas taxes and vehicle fees yet find potholes in the roads.  My taxes go towards public education, yet few students make it through the system with a decent education.  Yes, I grumble about such things.  I grumble aloud; I grumble on the blog.  I grumble to my elected representatives.  But my actions stop at grumbling, for these are evils that are sufferable.  I've even been arrested once:  My concealed handgun permit was expired and it would take a few days to get it renewed, but I carried anyway. One of my dear, sweet co-workers became aware of my situation, and thought it was something the Sheriff ought to know about.  I offered no resistance and even had a pleasant conversation with the arresting deputy as he drove me "downtown."  Many later told me they thought it was flat-out sh*tty that I was arrested for that.  Yes or no, I had done wrong, so the deputy was acting within his lawful authority when he arrested me.  Lawful authority is not my enemy.  Ever.

The Senate recently voted for cloture on the hideous healthcare bill.  Nothing has been formally enacted and signed into law.  There even remains a possibility that no bill will be passed.  The versions of the bill that are advancing, though, contain language mandating that individual Americans purchase government-approved health insurance.  Penalties for non-compliance can include prison, with the IRS empowered to enforce compliance.  The government does not possess the authority to impose this mandate, despite claims to the contrary from Pelosi and others.  Nancy Pelosi can say the moon is made of green cheese.  She can believe it in her heart and speak it with all conviction, but that does not mean she is correct.  Similarly, the constitutionality of this mandate.  The power is not there.  Nancy Pelosi can believe in her heart that this mandate is constitutional, and say so with all conviction, but it simply is not. 

My own decisions and circumstances will determine whether I have health insurance.  Government approvals and mandates will not factor in my decision, nor even influence it in the least.  I will not be participating in any government healthcare system.  Period.  If I die a slow and miserable death because I am not enrolled in a government program, so be it.  That is an evil that to me is sufferable.  If an agent of the IRS or other agency should decide that my non-compliance calls for my arrest, then the line between sufferable and insufferable evils is crossed.  A kidnapper is one who holds me against my will with no lawful authority to do so.  I would be willing to use elevated levels of force- even lethal force - to thwart a kidnapping attempt on me or my family.  One who has a badge and a standard-issue weapon and an authoritative title on his business card, yet lacks legitimate constitutional authority, is a mere kidnapper.  Having a mandate thrust upon me against my will differs much from my voluntary participation in my state's concealed handgun program.  My response to being arrested for not complying with that mandate will also differ.  Much.

Humpday Happy Happies!

The schadenfreude hangs thick in the air like THC at a Grateful Dead concert. Frank J advises moderation, but I'm planting my face in my big stash of schadenfreude and inhaling deeply.  Consequences, schmonsequences.  I know you've all seen all this somewhere else by now, but I just can't remain silent any longer!



My binge started last night.  Governor Arnie said some dumbtastic stuff about Sarah Palin and California's economy.  With Gore still licking his wounds from tangling with Palin, one might think Ahnold would've thought twice before saying such things.  Well, he did think twice, and he was wrong both times.  Greener than thou.  Heh.

You won't like me when I'm stupid

Then we hear more news from Copenhagen.  More Heh.  When Heritage AND Politico are calling the summit things like "chaos" and "disaster" I start getting encouraged.  First Barry didn't want to go, then he decided he will attend the tail end of it.  Triumphant return or something.  What does he think he'll accomplish?  I just hope he cleans the stuff he steps in off his shoes before getting back aboard AF1. 

They always say the drugs and whores

are cheap in Copenhagen

I hope I don't come home with sores

after I go hoggin' 

Wait.  It gets better.  Senator Coburn (and later, Senator DeMint) demanded a full reading of confessed socialist Bernie Sanders' Single-Payer healthcare amendment to BarryCare.  The Senate clerk toiled away at reading it for quite a while before Bernie's boypanties bunched up beyond bearing and Sanders removed the amendment from consideration.  Must not let bills be actually read, ya know.

Those were all cool and stuff, but not really enough to make a decent post I thought to myself.  But when I saw this post at HotAir I nearly lost it.  This is too good to be true!  SEIU turning on Obama?  AFL-CIO turning on The One?  Is it a full moon or sumpthin?  Everything these liblosers touch turns to turd.  At this rate, ACORN will have to disown Obama, not the other way around. 

As I write this, it's only 3:45 in the afternoon Pacific time.  There's still time today for the dems to screw up even more.  Maybe they will, maybe they won't.  But for now, let us just bask in their idiocy.

Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Confirmed: Dems are schizo

So the dems hacked enough garbage out of BarryCare to get Lieberman on board.  That got me worried that some form of intrusive, expensive and inefficient "reform" may yet make it through the labyrinth of Congress.  I pondered this for a long while.  I grieved.  I fumed.  I wept.  I had just about come to grips with the fact that my country is on the verge of a ruinous decline to third-world (or worse yet, Western European) standards, when who comes riding to the rescue?  Yes, Screamin' Howard Dean, with Krazy  Kos ridin' sidesaddle right behind him!  My heroes!

They're crabby because the present form of the Senate bill isn't intrusive, expensive, or inefficient (progressive) enough.  They think this whole crisis is about to go to waste and they're none too happy 'bout it.  They want to kill the bill.  So do I.  They want to start over.  So do I - at some future date when we have sensible conservatives in the majority.  But the whole spectacle of one batch of psycho lefties telling another batch of psycho lefties  "you're not progessive enough!!" is just so darned enjoyable.  It's like RuPaul and Boy George getting in a hissy slap-fight over who is gayer.  That's the kind of laughs I'm having at all this. 

The dems enjoy majorities in Congress and power in the executive that they have used to mangle the financial and auto industries.  They rate a solid B+ for those efforts.  But their holy grail of seizing the healthcare industry remains elusive.  There are just too many dem voices saying too many dumb dem things for there to be any agreement.  Heehee!  In the abstract (certainly not in practice!) it would be fun to give the dems all 100 Senate seats just to see how much they DON'T accomplish.  The backbiting and namecalling and posturing from all those blowhards would be inconceivably awesome!

Celebrity obamaphilia creepyness

In case you missed it, Will Smith is an enema valve.  At least in terms of his politics.  Probably a pleasant enough guy in other aspects, but his obamaphilia is unsettling.

If you follow the link (which you don't really have to do since I'm telling you everything you need to know - I'm generous that way) you'll see Mr. Smith tell us that while Barry is of course imperfect, the concept of Barry is anything but.  That the idea of Barry is just, so, OMG wonderful!  That the election of Barry is somehow an evolutionary flashpoint in the history of humanity, which poises us for some kind of Great Quantum Leap Forward.  Like when the apes encountered the obelisk.  Or something. 

Anyway, here's an innomipoint pop quiz:

As a mental exercise, let us just say that Will is correct and that Obama is actually the universe's gift to humanity.  (Try to contain your snickering, please).  Let us further say that the universe has rejection insecurities which can lead to violent fits of  indignance. In other words, voting for anybody but Barry in 2012 would provoke our insulted universe to go all Mayan on yo' azz in 2012 with floods, fires, quakes, death, general mayhem and intermittent disruption of internet access.


Would this have any impact on your vote in 2012?  Why, or why not?

Hide the decline in approval ratings

World-famous golfer, hoop shooter and Lightworker Barry Obama continues to suffer declining approval ratings.  Rasmussen's latest numbers show the overrated chief executive with only a 44% approval number, with those strongly disapproving now outnumbering those who strongly approve by 19%.  When asked by Oprah how he'd rate his first year, The One With An Unconquerable Self Image rates himself a B+.  Researchers at East Anglia University have been toiling away on a model that accounts for this disparity between Obama's interpretation of reality and the raw data compiled by Rasmussen, but an anonymous insider relates that "the fudge factors required to homogenize these results are so outrageous" as to cast doubt on the validity of their study.

Others are taking the news more cheerfully.  Brian Bosworth, whose NFL career is considered by many to be the biggest disappointment of the last hundred years, recently tweeted that he is "very relieved that somebody has finally come along and been a bigger let-down than myself. LOL."

------------------------------------

This post has undergone vigorous peer review for accuracy but its humor content is still subject to dispute.

Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Innomipoint contest, 12-11-09

Here's part 3 of the trivia sensation that is sweeping the internet!  Don't be the one lone loser left crying at the end because you missed out - there's still time to join the fun!



Original post w/ rules

Question #1:  How many boob belts does MichelleO need?

1. None.  They're nasty (0 pts)
2. One is plenty.  That's enough to give bloggers plenty to write about, yet not enough to drive us hair-pulling crazy (2 pts)
3. A six-pack in a dazzling array of hip and trendy colors (-2 points)
   
4. Needs more boob belts! (5 pts)
   

Questions #2:  The roads in my town are iced up tonight.  This is

1. Ordinary seasonal weather.  Nothing to get alarmed about.
   
2. Cool because innominatus has already been told to skip work tomorrow 'cuz it's unsafe to drive
3. Not valid evidence against global warming.  Soon, when the planet is scorching we will look longingly back at the good ol' days when our roads were icy.
4. Awesome, beacause innominatus can get sideways in his clunky little car and pretend he is still in his '69 Camaro that he had to sell a couple years ago.
   

Essay question #3, brought to you by Velcro (who gets extra credit if he participates in this round!)

• Compose a Mission Statement for the libtard movement.  Mealy-mouthed newspeak nonsense like that which appears a couple posts down is recommended. 
  

Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Birth of a meme

You, privileged read of this blog, have the potential to shape history.  We, the children of the Cowbell Age, approach a fateful turning of the page where the Cowbell ceases to be.  Do not be alarmed.  Embrace the new.  Savor the Change.  March boldly towards that glorious horizon.  Yes, I speak of a new internet meme.

 

http://feedyouradhd.com/needs-more/

It is our solemn duty to see this come to fruition.  This meme must not languish in the cradle.  It must grow to to its utmost potential.  Use it.  Say it. Spread it. Be it. Live it.

Who is with me?!? 
Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

I are motivation speaker

There's a big company.  You've heard of them.  I'm not going to name them 'cuz I don't want to embarrass a customer who is in the process of laying down a healthy stack of cash for my services.  Anonymous Big Corporation just placed an order for 50 acrylic awards that they want by the 17th.  They want their logo and mission statement lasered onto each acrylic, and their statement reads:

We are a self-directed culture that

creates and maintains safety as its

top priority and continuously challenges

our diversity culminating in long-term value.

This is about the most hurlworthy thing I've ever had to engrave.  If they'd just have included the word "leverage" in there it would at least have the notoriety of being the most useless and clichéd series of words ever strung together, but right now it just plain sucks.  Sheesh, even Robert Gibbs sounds (marginally) less stupid when he's trying to dance around a question from Jake Tapper.  Who the heck is going to be stirred by such words?  Who, after reading this, will want to charge into the corporate battlefield and claim the skulls of the enemy?  Can anybody read that without needing an imodium immediately afterwards?

Dang, just keying in the word of that statement seems to have cost me some testosterone. Whoever came up with this statement needs to be beaten with a broomstick and denied his juicebox.  After they've paid for the awards.

Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Dem girlymen find something they can lift

After a long and embarrassing display of weakness, Congressional democrats have finally found something they can lift.  Unable to lift a finger to help the economy, unable to raise a hand against terrorists, unable to lift America's image abroad, dem leaders found that their meager metrosexual musculature was just barely sufficient to lift the debt ceiling by $1.8 trillion, paving the way for even more reckless spending.

The spindly and skeletal Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said "We're getting weaker each day.  We figured we better do it now, before next year's campaign season, by which time I fear we'll be too weak to even lift our own sorry electoral chances."
Michelle Obama needs more boob belts

Resist!

I AM JACKSON OF EPA.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOUR LIFE AS IT HAS BEEN, IS OVER.  FROM THIS TIME FORWARD, YOU WILL SERVE THE STATE.  YOU WILL BE REGULATED.

WE CONTROL YOUR THERMOSTATS.  WE CONTROL YOUR SMARTMETERS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOU WILL BE REGULATED.  

San Fran under water?

You may have seen Gov Schwarzenegger's announcement that globull warming would lead to increases in sea level which would leave San Francisco under water.  OK, I'm going to need some convincing that this is somehow a bad thing.  The Giants are my fave MLB team, so I'd prefer that 'frisco be swamped while my Giants are out on a road trip.  But otherwise, is there really a downside?

Actually SF is a very scenic city.  If it weren't for all the moonbats, hippies, homeless, militant homos and assorted Pelosis, it would be quite nice.  So, what if we decide that we want SF back once all the hippies and moonbats have been washed to sea?  (Probably the first time they've washed in a long while, but I digress...)  'Cuz that's good real estate once you give it the colonic it so desperately needs.  The answer is so simple, so straightforward, so, so trivial, even.

Yes, I'm talking about our long-lost friend, Nuclear Winter.  We haven't heard much about nuclear winter lately.  When I was a teenager the slobbering leftards were wetting themselves over Global Thermonuclear War (shall.we.play.a.game?) instead of Global Warming.  They were convinced that President Reagan would go cowboy and light up the Evil Empire.  "No Nukes!  Even if we live through the weapons exchange, we'll all end up freeeeeeeeeezing to death.  Reagan wants us all to die!"  Go to the used record store and look up the lyrics from any of those femmy, nasally, wave-o band from the '80s.  They were all sniveling about getting nuked and/or freezing.  It was everywhere.  Waaaaah.  Then suddenly the whole issue pretty much went away.  Kinda like Iraq - outrageous outrage to mute silence as though some invisible switch had been flipped. Now I just savor the irony of how their first whiny global hysteria will be the solution for their second.

Ya see, once we're confident that the waves of saltwater have washed all the patchouli smell and sidewalk vomit away and it is time to take our city back, just pull the trigger!  By my calculations, if we lob a few megatons at Damascus, Tripoli and Tehran, the resulting debris field will reduce the global mean temperature to pre-industrial levels, bringing the sea level down with it.  If we decide that SF should have a little more beachline, then all we have to do is pop Pyongyang, too.  See, the possibilities are almost endless!

Mother Nature or Mommie Dearest?

Seems like mom's been using the wire hangers on global warming's pimply white rump.  Snow in Houston!  25^o last night here, and they're talking lows down around 15^o by Sunday night!  Fifteen bleeping degrees!  Yeah, I'm sure some of my southern readers are like "that's what y'all git for livin' up there by Canada!"  But my part of Oregon is only about 200' elevation, and the weather coming in from the Pacific is almost always "warm" so temps in the teens are VERY unusual.  We get into the teens maybe once every five years or so.  And never in the first week of December!

With the ClimateGate scandal becoming better known, we're seeing a lot more info coming out refuting AGW.  Lots of sites are all over it, but Ace (if you don't mind salty language) has a lot in the main column and also in the right-side headlines.  Lots of people are calling baloney.  I know there are some bitter clinger contrarians who will say "Well, a few of your little anecdotes don't negate the, um, 'fact', that the earth is warming."  To which I respond "No, but a mountainous mountain of anecdotal evidence plus willful mishandling of climate data equals shut yer flapping lips, you lying hippie!"  Only the profoundly stupid still buy this nonsense.  If you still believe in AGW, for your own safety you should limit yourself to cheap plastic cutlery at dinnertime.  You're not smart enough to safely handle a real butter knife.

It is unraveling so fast that the big climate pow-wow in Copenhagen may end up a disappointment.  Even Fat Al says he's a 'no.'  The prostitutes (the literal whores, not the metaphoric political whores) are offering their services for free!  Normally, globalist do-gooders at a convention and prostitution go together like peanut butter and jelly.  If the scandi slutbags are offering it up for free, with "The Final Countdown" playing live in the background and you still can't attract a decent number of totalitarians with nice sunglasses to your event, well, that pretty much spells the end of your little crusade.  Save yourself further embarrassment by just knocking it off, OK?

Friday Sickblogging

Now well into my 6th day of feeling like [bad word].  Really hinders my enthusiasm for coming up with entertaining content, as you can no doubt tell.  I ain't had much the last few days.  Thankfully Amusing Bunni forwarded me some more Tiger Woods jokes.  (Blogging is actually pretty easy when other people do it for ya)  Hopefully the humor muse will drop by during my lunchbreak and I can scrawl together a post.  In the meantime, laugh at the expense of Tiger:

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I don't know exactly...put me down for a 5."

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to ask her how to beat Tiger.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards..

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

Why did Tiger Woods crash into a fire hydrant and then a tree? He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin an endorsement contract for her own set of drivers; to be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

Tiger was driving an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

Hello, Mr. Woods. This is the On Star operator. We have detected that an angry person has put a golf club through your window. We've called Nike. A new club is on its way.

Who among us doesn't hear a car crash and immediately grab the closest golf club we can find??!!

Tiger's new movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Poor choice; he should have gone with the driver.

Tiger is a cheeta!

Seemed like a great idea a few days ago.

January 2010 cover of Golf Digest

Found on Instapundit.  Click to go over to radaronline and see a bigger version.

If a pic is worth a thousand words, this particular pic has got to be worth a thousand jokes.  I haven't thought of any yet.  At least none that are family-friendly.






UPDATE:  Amusing Bunni dropped some heehees in the comments of the other thread.  I think these deserve some front-page treatment.  Here goes -

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Caddilac?
Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

Why didnt Tiger climb the tree instead of running into it.

Of course, he blamed it on a problem with his Escalade. Typical.....whenever a golfer hits a tree, he blames it on his Caddie

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common? Both were clubbed by a Norwegian.

Why was Tiger in such a hurry at 2:30?
He was late getting to the next hole.

The Tiger Woods Made for TV Scandal

Reports are coming in and so far it is sounding like Tiger Woods is more a Mr. Putz than Mr. Putts.  While the recent events in his life prompt me to write this, let's instead put him aside for now and take a wider look at fame, fortune and power:  When one looks across the landscape of the people who have become very successful in their careers (as the world counts "success") we see a troubling number who are total failures at other, more fundamental levels of life.  We ask ourselves how people could allow their lives to get so messed up.  Then the wiser among us pause to take an inventory of our own lives. 
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My beat up old car, modest home, relative anonymity, discount-store blue jeans and MARRIAGE THAT WORKS is looking pretty good right now.

Understanding the Hockey Stick Effect

Here is a helpful chart that illustrates the dangers of positive-feedback systems.  As you can clearly see, it doesn't take much government funding, public accolades, or very many Nobel Prizes for the system to to suddenly deviate drastically from the norm.  It will require a dedicated global effort to reverse this problem, and we are quickly running out of time to do so.  Failure is not acceptable, for human life (at least in decent countries) would be forced to behave in ways radically different from the lifestyles we presently enjoy. In fact, many will not even survive if we fail to take action immediately.  This menace must be halted!

That just ain't right

Dunno how many of ya visit Moonbattery.  I think they're pretty good and I go there at least once per day.  But they have revolving ads along the right side of their screen that I haven't figured out how to AdBlock yet.  Sometimes the ads just don't really jibe.  What I saw there today and screencapped is a perfect example.  There is something very, very wrong with the composition of this ad!

Grrr! Say it right, moron!

AM reception is awful at work today, so I'm listening to the oldies on FM.  They just played that Steely Dan song which has a line "I crossed my old man back in Ore-uh-GONE" repeated over and over.

Blood boiling.  Must simmer down.

OK.

People, pay attention.  If you say "Ore-uh-GONE" you are a dolt.  Real Oregonians blow right past that middle syllable like a drunk ignoring a stop sign.  Occasionally we slow down enough that it kind of counts as a diphthong, but just barely.  Most of us say it in such a way that it sounds just like "organ".  As in "if you say it like ore-uh-Gone, you'll soon be an organ donor!"

There is a lot to like about Organ, especially the western half or so.  Within about an hour's drive I can be at the coast, the ski slopes, or cool places to hike and plink.  Come on by and visit.  But if you say "ore-uh-Gone" in my presence, I'll reach right into the river, pull out a steelhead with my bare hands, and smack you with it.