Saturday, March 16, 2013

Joe Joe Joe to Rome, gently down the drain

I'm not Catholic, so I don't really know what I'm talking about.  Don't freak if I get something wrong.  And if you're Catholic, please don't be offended.  I'm just goofin' on Joe.

Vice President Biden and his entourage arrive at the Vatican.  They are ushered in to meet the new Pope. 

[Biden] "Hey there!" [offers handshake which the Pope hesitantly reciprocates] "I'm Catholic, but I've never met a Pope before.  Umm...  Oh yeah, I'm supposed to kiss your ring, right?"

[Pope Francis] "That is customary.  But it isn't anything I insist on."

[Biden] "Well, I'm all about doing things right.  May I?"

[Pope Francis, uncomfortably] "Well, I guess."  [offers hand, Biden kisses ring]

[Biden] "Sorry.  That's peppermint Trident.  Hey, at least it's sugar-free, right?" [retrieves gum from Pope's ring and pops it back in his mouth]

[Pope Francis: eyeroll]

[Biden] "So, uh, your Holy Popiness, we have come to congratulate you on your high level of Popitude.  We are thankful for your leadership and look forward to OWWWWW!" [grabs his mouth and falls to his knees in pain]

[Pope Francis, alarmed] "My son, what has happened?"

[Biden, spitting out gum] "I think I broke a tooth." [Examines gum] "Yeah, right here!  It's one of the diamonds from your ring.  The gum must have pulled it out of its setting and I broke a tooth on it.  I'm gonna sue the crap out of you!"

[Biden's aide] "Sir, you can't sue the Pope.  He has Sovereign Immunity."

[Biden] "But that only applies to heads-of-state."

[Aide] "Yes.  The Vatican is its own little country and the Pope is head of state."

[Biden] "This is a country?  What a bunch of malarkey.  I mean, it's is super nice and very well decorated, but geez, it's only a few city blocks.  Al Gore's house is bigger than this place.  And what about Separation of Church and State?"

[Aide] "Doesn't apply here."

[Biden] "Aww, crap. We're off to a really rough start here.  Please forgive me.  Let's start over."

[Pope Francis] "Of course."

[Biden] "Ya know, I love Jell-O Pudding Pops.  Ever consider marketing Pudding Popes?  Like a little pope-shaped plastic mold a kid or a Vice President could pour his pudding into, then stick in the freezer?"

[Pope Francis] "Commercializing the office of Pope is a terrible idea."

[Biden] "Lighten up, Francis!  Heh.  Sorry.  Heh.  I've been waiting for years to meet a guy named Francis so I could use that line."

[Pope Francis, anxious to change the subject] "My son, why do you have that Manson-esque scribbling on your forehead?"

[Biden] "Ash Wednesday.  It is hard to draw on my own face in the mirror because the mirror makes my right hand look like my left hand and I'm right-handed so I tried to use my left so it would look right in the mirror and ummm, well, sorry the cross turned out so screwy."

[Pope Francis] "But Ash Wednesday was a month ago."

[Biden] "Yeah, see, after that cat/furnace episode, Jill won't let me play with matches any more.  No matches, no fire, no ashes, nothing even vaguely related to anything flammable. So I used a black Sharpie pen.  Wow, that stuff is really permanent!"

[Pope Francis, trying to hide is growing annoyance] "Surely there is a substantive reason for your visit.  I mean, the conversation has been pleasant enough, but"

[Biden, interrupting] "Oh, yeah!  See, the Republicans won't pass enough tax hikes and we need some money.  Maybe you could, you know, sell off some of this fantastic artwork you have here and help a guy out?"

[Pope Francis, somewhat indignantly] "No.  These treasures are not mine to give, loan, or sell."

[Biden, getting testy] "Not even gonna consider it, huh?  Really?  So that's how you want to play it, player? We 'intervene' in little countries like this pretty much daily.  We have swarms of drones circling everywhere.  Do you really think your little crew of guys with jester suits and spears can hold off a Marine Expeditionary Unit?  You think you can dodge the missiles comin' off a Reaper?  You think you're all that?  I'm not talking about a garden-variety slap upside your funny hat or a shotgun blast through the doorway.  I'm talkin' about the wrath of pResident Peace Prize and his wife, Our Lady of Unfortunate Proportions!  You really think you can withstand all that?!?"

[Pope Francis, making cross gesture] "Egredere de hic vobis stultus bastardus."

[Biden, triumphantly] "Yeah, that's what I thought.  I knew you'd see things my way"

17 comments:

  1. The only Catholic I know of who might be offended is Joe.
    I'm not sure he would understand.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Our Lady of Unfortunate Proportions!

    Heh. I've yet to see a better description of Shelly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely what Buck said. That was a gen-u-ine laugh-outlouder

      Delete
  3. Some have wondered why the new Pope didn't take the name, "Ignatius".

    I suspect that he didn't want to be known as "Iggy Pope".

    ReplyDelete
  4. The only problem with your satire is you are making Joe look too intelligent. You're giving him too much credit. What little brain power he has left is too busy relearning basic bodily functions like relieving one's bowels and changing his diapers.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Damn Inno, this is your best work. I'm glad I'm between cups of coffee.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree with the others... our lady of unfortunate proportions - ha!

    ReplyDelete
  7. The only person more full of ideas than Joe Biden is Innominatus!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Linked here: http://bobagard.blogspot.com/2013/03/sequester-joe-biden.html

    ReplyDelete
  9. Replies
    1. "innominatus"

      "innominatus who?"

      "innominatus the guy whose funnybone is broken and whose interest in blogging has flown away to some very distant place. Hopefully it'll come back someday."

      Delete
  10. Boo hoo. Time to get back to writing.
    .

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's time.

    Let me know if you want to write again, please.

    OG

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is funny stuff. But you knew that already. I think you should publish an eBook of these Barry 'n' Joe adventures. Glad I came back! Now all I have to do is reciprocate, right? Dang.

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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