Obama and wife arrive at Buckingham Palace.
[Obama] "Your Majesty The Queen, it is such a delight to meet you. In keeping with the special relationship between our two countries, I present you this gift. An iPod. Let the Queen's Annals record that said iPod has on it stored my many lofty speeches, and $11 worth of show tunes I downloaded from iTunes and amazon.com."
[Queen Elizabeth II, slightly indignant (but it's hard to tell since she's British)] "Charming."
[Obama] "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like you to meet my lovely wife, Michelle"
[QE daintily extends hand]
[Michelle O] "HI!" [Grasps queen's hand firmly and gives a vigorous shake] "I've been such a fan of yours for years. I can hardly believe this is happening. I need a hug!" [Yanks QE to her side and gives her a big squeeze]
[loud SNAPPING noise, QE gasps]
[butler] "Oh, my! I do believe you've broken the queen's back! Summon the Royal Guard! Raise the drawbridge!"
[QE] "That won't be necessary." [QE, bends over and touches toes then straightens up] "I haven't been able to stand this straight in nearly 70 years. Thank you so."
[MichelleO] "No probs."
[QE, to Obama] "It was highly considerate of you to research my musical tastes. But there may be a problem. When my grandson got me my first iPod 4 years ago he had to teach me the finer points of Digital Rights Management and Copyright Law. I presume you are aware that paying for those songs only gets you a non-transferrable license to listen to those songs? By giving me yet another iPod, pre-loaded with music, in front of witnesses, even, you have involved me in a crime!"
[Obama] "I wouldn't worry about it. I don't think we'll extradite over this. And even if Attorney General Holder insists, I'll just pardon you anyway."
[QE] "Young President, you are a fine man. Even after all the evils my country has perpetrated on your Kenyan ancestors, you show yourself a forgiving soul. And your wife is a fine chiropractor. I would very much like to knight you right here and now, but..."
[Obama] "Your Highness, the President bows before no royal. I'm sorry that I can't accept this prestigious offer."
[QE] "Oh, that bloody yankee egalitarianism! But you interrupted me too soon. I was going to say - I'd like to knight you, but my advanced age and the frailty that comes with it has made it difficult to rightly handle the sword. I fear I might accidentally lop off one of your uncommonly large ears."
[Obama w/ unkind look on his face]
[QE] "Ha! You poor yanks have no appreciation for proper British humour. That was funny! Funny, I say!"
[Obama] "Good day, dear queen. Sadly, we must be leaving" [Grabs MichellO by the elbow and stomps out of the palace]
--------
[Following day, G20 summit]
[Obama] "We must present a unified front. We must put aside self-interests. We are a global community with a global economy. The only way out of this financial crisis is through global action. We shall pool our resources and spend many trillions of dollars and euros lifting the poor and starving out of their impoverished state." [teleprompter malfunction] "Uh. Umm. The impoverished state is, uh, not one of the 57 states, uh, but more, uh, like, a province in each of, uh, our states. And uh, by 'states' I mean 'countries.' Not 'state' uh, like 'Mississippi' even, uh, though there is a lot of impoverishmentness in Mississippi, 'cuz uh, Bush took, uh, so long to, uh, fix the levees or something."
[Angela Merkel] "Ach! Ve vill have none of your rampant spending! You are a stammering fool!"
[Summit Chairman, banging gavel] "Let's break for lunch"
---------------
[King Abdullah, to Obama] "الركوع قبلي "
[Obama, in perfect Arabic] "تعلمون لا أستطيع "
[Abdullah] "الركوع أو قبلي أنا لن يبيع لك وقود لطائرة الرئاسة الخاصة بك. "
[Obama] "Wowwww! Check out that fancy belt buckle King Abdullah has! Whoo-wee! Mind if I get a closer look?"
[Abdullah, quietly] "Feel free, you apostate pig!"
[Omaba bows obediently]
--------------
[Brussels, NATO summit]
[Obama] "We need the continued support of NATO to defeat al-Qaeda and the Tollybahn in the mountainous border regions."
[Sarkozy] "We offer 10 soldiers. Non-combat soldiers. Cooks. Yes, cooks."
[Obama] "The great country of France, fatherland to men such as Napoleon and de Gaulle has only 10 soldiers to offer?"
[Sarkozy] "No, Monsieur. We have many more soldiers, but you are ze height of weenieness, monsieur. We have only 10 soldiers that can tolerate you. Even ze brits say you are pantywaist.
-------------
[Air Force 1, en route back to DC]
[Obama, to himself] "Dang. Publically smacked-down by a geriatric queen, Mangela Urkel, and even Sarko. I need a pizza and a party to cheer me up."
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Heaping awards on the great IMAO
IMAO was recently given a much-deserved award from the Rabid Conservative. In the spirit of shameless co-promotion, Harvey at IMAO has gone Award Digging from other bloggers, with the prize for best award being a coveted link in the IMAO blogroll. Sounds good to me, so here's my prestigious award, proudly bestowed:
UPDATE:
Humiliation! The prize went to You Should Be Tasered. GOSHDARNIT! I poured much sweat and effort into this - at least 10 minutes jacking that image off the intertubes and splicing the Harvey head onto it. But my sacrifice has gone for naught. If you ask me, Harvey looks just like Zod. Or maybe Zod on Prozac. But in any case, I even gave Harvey top billing in my award, knowing that Frank would have something funny to say about that. Is anybody paying attention? I just served up an ultra-slow-pitch softball for IMAO to knock out of the park. I'm handing them the funny on a gilded paper plate. IMAO could make a whole series out of Harvey getting too big for his britches and getting slapped down by Frank. Imagine the traffic it would draw and all the ads that would then be clicked. Frank and Harvey would both be rich! Two or three people might even click my sidebar link, and I could like, double or triple my readership! This is a perfect market-based solution. Win-win. Everybody prospers. A rising tide lifts all bloggers - or something like that. As Steve Martin once said "But Noooooooo."
Excuse me while I pout in the corner.
MORE UPDATAGE:
False alarm! I'm a winner after all! I misunderstood and thought there was only one winner. Guess it's more like a kindergarten soccer league where every kid gets a trophy at the end of the season. IMAO can go back to being my favorite blog. It isn't the funniest (but it is close) and it isn't the most informative (but still pretty close) but it is the best funny informative blog. And I like the commenters who hang out there. And they give me neat ribbons to stick in the sidebar that slow down your browser. This is the perfect day.
UPDATE:
Humiliation! The prize went to You Should Be Tasered. GOSHDARNIT! I poured much sweat and effort into this - at least 10 minutes jacking that image off the intertubes and splicing the Harvey head onto it. But my sacrifice has gone for naught. If you ask me, Harvey looks just like Zod. Or maybe Zod on Prozac. But in any case, I even gave Harvey top billing in my award, knowing that Frank would have something funny to say about that. Is anybody paying attention? I just served up an ultra-slow-pitch softball for IMAO to knock out of the park. I'm handing them the funny on a gilded paper plate. IMAO could make a whole series out of Harvey getting too big for his britches and getting slapped down by Frank. Imagine the traffic it would draw and all the ads that would then be clicked. Frank and Harvey would both be rich! Two or three people might even click my sidebar link, and I could like, double or triple my readership! This is a perfect market-based solution. Win-win. Everybody prospers. A rising tide lifts all bloggers - or something like that. As Steve Martin once said "But Noooooooo."
Excuse me while I pout in the corner.
MORE UPDATAGE:
False alarm! I'm a winner after all! I misunderstood and thought there was only one winner. Guess it's more like a kindergarten soccer league where every kid gets a trophy at the end of the season. IMAO can go back to being my favorite blog. It isn't the funniest (but it is close) and it isn't the most informative (but still pretty close) but it is the best funny informative blog. And I like the commenters who hang out there. And they give me neat ribbons to stick in the sidebar that slow down your browser. This is the perfect day.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Obama a taste of our future?
From middle school to my first year of college, President Reagan was in office and was pretty much a hero to me and my whole circle of friends. We were conservatives all the way. We even called ourselves the "Commie Chasers." We'd see through our teachers' attempts at indoctrination and call them out. My favorite example was my Advanced Global Studies teacher bringing out a huge bar graph that showed federal expenditures on public schools and defense. Of course the defense bar was DRASTICALLY higher than the education bar, as schools are mostly funded at state and local levels. She went on about how tragic it was that we were spending so much on missiles and bombers and so little on schools. (Maybe she wanted a raise? No, that would've been too capitalist for her.) So my friend Gary did a little research and made a graph of education spending at all levels of government compared to defense spending. When state and local budgeting was added to the graph, of course education now dwarfed defense. Teacher had to eat crow. During my college years, it was largely the same story. Even at a state university, liberal students were scarce and kept a pretty low profile. The school was full of Reaganites.
For many years since, I'd held to the notion that My Generation would make things right. I'd been confident that right about now, people about my age were quietly making their way through statehouses and mayor's offices, on their way to higher positions. People of my generation who were motivated my liberty and nationalism would be in places of influence, and we'd start to roll back the liberal nonsense foisted on us by the baby boomers.
I'm less confident now. I didn't see Obama's punch-drunk moment on 60 Minutes, but I've read some transcripts and I was really deflated by what I read. Don't get me wrong, I have no quarrel with the interviewer confronting Obama's indifference/casualness/whatever. He needs to be called out. But what bothers me is the realization that Obama is an early example of what we'll be seeing a lot more of. He is part of the Indulged Generation. It seems I was on the trailing edge of "normalcy" and those right behind me were the first to be the indulged in large numbers. You know, the ones who were never disciplined by their parents, or were raised by one frazzled parent who couldn't keep up. The ones who were praised in school for being mediocre. The ones who get trophies for every event they participated in, whether they won or came in last. The ones who could skip school, get high and go skateboarding all day without consequence. The ones who can't hold a job because no matter where they go "the boss is an idiot and I don't have to put up with that." The ones whose self-esteem must not be endangered for any reason. These are the ones who think they deserve everything for nothing. Obama is their prototype. He was raised in a permissive environment, praised and elevated by all, while accomplishing zilch. Grossly overconfident because he's been such a notable "success" at every previous endeavor, when difficulty arises he is unable to seriously consider the possibility that he may actually be wrong.
My generation, which I've had such hopes for, seems to have found a distaste for political service. We look at DC and want nothing to do with it. Sadly, that void is being filled by the coddled, the lazy, the adulation-seeker. Obama is a preview of the kinds of people that our society has produced in great numbers. Statesmen need not apply.
For many years since, I'd held to the notion that My Generation would make things right. I'd been confident that right about now, people about my age were quietly making their way through statehouses and mayor's offices, on their way to higher positions. People of my generation who were motivated my liberty and nationalism would be in places of influence, and we'd start to roll back the liberal nonsense foisted on us by the baby boomers.
I'm less confident now. I didn't see Obama's punch-drunk moment on 60 Minutes, but I've read some transcripts and I was really deflated by what I read. Don't get me wrong, I have no quarrel with the interviewer confronting Obama's indifference/casualness/whatever. He needs to be called out. But what bothers me is the realization that Obama is an early example of what we'll be seeing a lot more of. He is part of the Indulged Generation. It seems I was on the trailing edge of "normalcy" and those right behind me were the first to be the indulged in large numbers. You know, the ones who were never disciplined by their parents, or were raised by one frazzled parent who couldn't keep up. The ones who were praised in school for being mediocre. The ones who get trophies for every event they participated in, whether they won or came in last. The ones who could skip school, get high and go skateboarding all day without consequence. The ones who can't hold a job because no matter where they go "the boss is an idiot and I don't have to put up with that." The ones whose self-esteem must not be endangered for any reason. These are the ones who think they deserve everything for nothing. Obama is their prototype. He was raised in a permissive environment, praised and elevated by all, while accomplishing zilch. Grossly overconfident because he's been such a notable "success" at every previous endeavor, when difficulty arises he is unable to seriously consider the possibility that he may actually be wrong.
My generation, which I've had such hopes for, seems to have found a distaste for political service. We look at DC and want nothing to do with it. Sadly, that void is being filled by the coddled, the lazy, the adulation-seeker. Obama is a preview of the kinds of people that our society has produced in great numbers. Statesmen need not apply.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Fun with Timmy Geithner
Everybody's been wondering what our Treasury Secretary has been up to lately. Since he seems to be taking his time getting his department staffed and presenting his plan for saving the banking and credit industries, our crack team of investigators did a little crack investigating. This is what we've learned so far...
Since coming to the realization that nobody likes him and that he will soon be out of a job, Timmy has endorsed a series of books. The residual incomes will come in quite handy when he's unemployed. Our legal researchers are still trying to determine whether the book's royalties are transferable if Timmy should 'accidentally' get the Vince Foster treatment.
Our crack photographers also caught up with Timmy backstage. He is performing in an Off-Broadway production called The Scarlett Ink. He has the lead role of Jester Prynne, a hilarious financial adulterer who burns through trillions of dollars to no apparent effect. In this pic, we see him in the midst of one of the many pregnant pauses that symbolize the release of his long-awaited plans to stabilize our financial sector.
Theater critics are giving it one
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Pheasant hunting?
I don't see too many pheasant where I am now, but they were fairly common back where I grew up. When they spot trouble coming, they lay very low and still and just try to wait it out. In tall grass, it can be VERY effective. They'll wait there as you approach until you're just about right on top of them, and then they totally freak out - loudly flapping their wings gaining altitude and speed. It is amazing how they can go from hiding to BANZAI! in a split second. And it startles the heck out of me every time it happens. The darn bird just explodes out of the ground three feet in front of me like a faulty firework going off in my face. My brief holy craparoni reaction while I swing the shotgun around gives the bird enough of a head start that the shot can be pretty challenging, and quite a few get away.
I haven't been on a bird hunt in many years, but all the political goings-on of the last few days have reminded me of those good ol' days. The stupidity coming out of DC is like a hundred pheasants all erupting at once, and in the utter chaos I'm unable to pick out a single bird to aim at. There are lots of topics for a sarcastic conservative to opine about, like AIG bonuses, Frank&Dodd, Obama wanting to make vets pay for their own medical treatment then changing his mind, diplomatic bungles with Brazil, Mexico and China. TelePrompter malfunctions. Russia declaring their intent to re-arm. Geithner just being more of his weaselly self. And even libs like Maureen Dowd and Jon Stewart criticizing The One. There are liberals and bureaucrats flailing madly everywhere I look. Who has the time to snark even half these topics?
I haven't been on a bird hunt in many years, but all the political goings-on of the last few days have reminded me of those good ol' days. The stupidity coming out of DC is like a hundred pheasants all erupting at once, and in the utter chaos I'm unable to pick out a single bird to aim at. There are lots of topics for a sarcastic conservative to opine about, like AIG bonuses, Frank&Dodd, Obama wanting to make vets pay for their own medical treatment then changing his mind, diplomatic bungles with Brazil, Mexico and China. TelePrompter malfunctions. Russia declaring their intent to re-arm. Geithner just being more of his weaselly self. And even libs like Maureen Dowd and Jon Stewart criticizing The One. There are liberals and bureaucrats flailing madly everywhere I look. Who has the time to snark even half these topics?
Monday, March 9, 2009
So, so, sleeeepy......
Our esteemed President reveals that America's crises have left him worn-out and kinda loopy. Of course it has nothing to do with extensive partying and flying all over in his spiffy ride. It isn't jetlag or hangovers, it's just his Loving Paternal Instinct that keeps him awake at night, wondering how he can make everybody happy. His stress is my relief. No, it's not what you think - I don't wish him any harm. It's just that I was worried for a while that he was torpedoing our country on purpose. Now I feel much more confident that that is not the case. He's doing a wonderful job of torpedoing our country, so if that were indeed his goal there'd be no reason for him to lose sleep over it. If he really is losing sleep due to genuine concern, then he at least realizes how poorly everything is going. That makes him a little more human and a little less detestable... A little.
Dow nearing "bottom," Obama encouraged
Pundits, economists and even a few normal people have been wondering when the market will hit bottom and stop going down. Warren Buffet said today that we were very close. This is good news. Just a week or so ago he said the economy was "in shambles." Nobody really knows what a shambles is. The market is seeking clarity, and vague words like "shambles" just contribute to the increasing uncertainty. Thankfully, today Buffet said the "economy has gone over a cliff." Nothing vague about that, hallelujah! Better still - we all know that when one has gone over a cliff, one is mere moments away from finally reaching the bottom! Yay for Obama!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
A barry idolatrous selection
[American Idol theme music, audience cheering. President Obama struts onto stage. Crowd erupts in raucous applause and cheering]
[Obama] "Good evening, folks! I've been having a ton of trouble filling the vacant positions in my cabinet. My administration has nationalized the set and crew of this famous show to help me out."
[More cheers]
[Obama] "We don't want to mess up the chemistry that has made this show such a success, so we're going to continue with the three judge panel that you're used to. I'll be that Jackson guy. Hillary will be Paula, and since I flat #$%^& hate Brits I've put Treasury Secretary Geithner in Simon's seat. Tonight we are auditioning applicants for the many deputy positions yet to be filled under Sec'y Geithner. The economy is in such wretched shape that nobody with a decent reputation wants to come anywhere near that bumbling Geithner" [Tim smiles and waves to camera] "But there are a lot of unemployed people out there who haven't yet felt the benefit of my stimulus package. We want to put one of them to work fixing our economy! Tonight! So let's get this show started!"
[Obama and panel take their seats, cheering gradually subsides]
[Hillary reaches into her cavernous purse and pulls out a bottle of schnapps and a fistful of pills]
[Obama] "Er, um, Hill, um, whatcha doing?"
[Hillary] "Just getting into character. [Swallows pills and follows them with a big chaser straight out of the bottle] "I took some drama classes in college," [burp] "and I was taught that the best performers become totally immersed in their characters." [Pours remaining contents of bottle over herself]
[Dick Morris, from front row of audience] "Yeah, and your life has been nothing but drama ever since, you old nag! Not that I'm complaining, though. Without the antics of you and your faithful First Hubby, I'd never have gotten all those TV gigs - I'd still be doing on-site appliance repairs and driving a Pinto. Oh, and hey, nice job mangling all those names at the EU gathering the other day. Did they teach you that in college, too?"
[Hillary lunges towards Dick, is held back by Obama and Geithner]
[Obama] "Hill, remember, you're our nation's Top Diplomat. You can't be doing things like this on nationalized national TV! Most of the world is watching us right now. Save your venom for the downtrodden, defenseless contestants!"
[Obama] "First up, we have Henrietta"
[Henrietta, singing horribly] "First of alll-lll-lll, I'd buy us all a hou-ou-ouse, then..."
[Obama] "STOP! You're applying for a deputy cabinet post, not a record deal."
[Henrietta] "Sorry. First of all, I'd buy me a house. A big, fancy house. Then I'd buy houses for everybody. All the housing problems would go away, just like that. All the bad mortgages that people lied about so they could get more house than they could afford, and all them underwater house-flippers, it'd all be paid for and off the books forever, so the fatcat bankers that gave you the fat donations for your fat campaign could still afford to fly to Global Warming summits in their private jets. Then all the money that people would've been spending on all those evil, confusing, predatory loans - they could start spending it on really important stuff like hybrid rototillers and personal windmills and solar HDTVs - stuff that would really boost the green economy."
[Obama] "Pure Genius. We'll use the stimulus money to build all these houses, I'll get to put my new logo on all of them, too! Henrietta, I think you should make it to the next round."
[Henrietta, beaming] "Sweet Ayeesha on a Postage Stamp!" [Little jumps of joy]
[Hillary, growing intoxicated] "Henry, that wath wunderfull. If I could take all the luv and care that ish in yer hart, and bottle it up, I'd pour it all over myshelf. And I'd alsho pour it like shweet, shugary shyrup on the Kitten Pureé I had for brunsch."
[Geithner, apprehensively scooting his chair away from Hillary] "The US Treasury will act aggressively to ward off this economic crisis, and use every available means to promote soundness in our financial system."
[Obama] "Um, Tim? We need some specifics and some clearer signals from you. Is that a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down?"
[Geithner] "Her ideas are better than anything I've come up with so far. So, yeah, thumbs-up."
[Obama] "Next up is Howard the Hippie"
[Howard the Hippie] "Dudes, thanks for this opportunity. One time when I was like, dropping acid, I got this, like idea on how to make my VW hippievan get like 200 mpg. It's all based on hemp and magnets, man. So I built my idea, using just hemp and some magnets, and like put it in my hippievan. It didn't do much until I, like, remembered that it needs a 9V battery, too. I remembered that the next time I was doing acid. When I hooked up that little battery, like, dude, my van now gets like 200 mpg. I was saying to all my friends that I think I just solved the energy crisis or something, but they kept telling me not to sell out. Normally I don't give half a crap about what happens to our fascist warmongering country, but my idea could make for cleaner transportation -and- the legalization of hemp. So I told them they better just, like, shut up or something.
[Obama] "Those are interesting ideas, and they would help our economy. But I think you'd be better suited to the Department of Transportation or even the Department of Agriculture. Why weren't you at our open casting for those positions?"
[Howard] "Sorry, man. I just got this totally overwhelming urge to like, do some needlepoint that day."
[Hillary] "Undershtood. We've all been there."
[Geithner] "I will work closely with the Federal Reserve and our counterparts in the EU to minimize global credit shortages and hasten a return to sustainable growth while keeping inflation in check."
[Howard, speaking to Obama while pointing at Geithner] "Dude, I don't think I want to work for that guy. I think I'd like, rather sell my invention on the internet and grow hemp. And maybe go mining for magnets. Peace, 4:20 I gotta go!"
[Obama] "Last guest tonight is Martin the Meth Addict."
[Martin, startled by the applause, tensing up] "The other day I couldn't sleep, for the fourth night in a row, so I was looking at the little tiny numbers on the financial page of the newspaper. I think the problem is Market Capitalization. Look at it: NYSE, AMEX, NASDAQ, DJIA. It's all capitals. There's still way too much capital in the market."
[Obama, chiming in] "Sorry to interrupt, but I really have to agree with you so far. We need to get more capital out of the market and into government."
[Martin, pupils now huge. Furtive, paranoid glances around the room] "Yeah. And the pride/earnings ratios are way off. They used to be like 40:1 and now they're way lower. So are the price/earrings radios. I used to get $10 for two stolen earrings or a stolen radio at the pawnshop, and now that guy won't even give me $5. But I think the worst part is the profit/errorings rations."
[Obama] "Yes! I tried to say so the other day! But Limbaugh and the rest of the Reich Wing commentators just made fun of me. I glad to see that my message was getting through!"
[Hillary, head atilt, snoring aloud]
[Obama] "Makeup! Come over here and clean the slobber off Hillary's chin!"
[Geithner] "This man really speaks the language of Wall Street. To most Americans, this terminology is worse than Classical Greek, meaning this fellow just may be the man for the job. TARP funds will be used to purchase illiquid assets from mortgage vendors and thaw out the frozen credit sector."
[Theme music] [Obama] "Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to go to change.gov and vote online for our next Deputy Secretary of the Treasury!"
[Obama] "Good evening, folks! I've been having a ton of trouble filling the vacant positions in my cabinet. My administration has nationalized the set and crew of this famous show to help me out."
[More cheers]
[Obama] "We don't want to mess up the chemistry that has made this show such a success, so we're going to continue with the three judge panel that you're used to. I'll be that Jackson guy. Hillary will be Paula, and since I flat #$%^& hate Brits I've put Treasury Secretary Geithner in Simon's seat. Tonight we are auditioning applicants for the many deputy positions yet to be filled under Sec'y Geithner. The economy is in such wretched shape that nobody with a decent reputation wants to come anywhere near that bumbling Geithner" [Tim smiles and waves to camera] "But there are a lot of unemployed people out there who haven't yet felt the benefit of my stimulus package. We want to put one of them to work fixing our economy! Tonight! So let's get this show started!"
[Obama and panel take their seats, cheering gradually subsides]
[Hillary reaches into her cavernous purse and pulls out a bottle of schnapps and a fistful of pills]
[Obama] "Er, um, Hill, um, whatcha doing?"
[Hillary] "Just getting into character. [Swallows pills and follows them with a big chaser straight out of the bottle] "I took some drama classes in college," [burp] "and I was taught that the best performers become totally immersed in their characters." [Pours remaining contents of bottle over herself]
[Dick Morris, from front row of audience] "Yeah, and your life has been nothing but drama ever since, you old nag! Not that I'm complaining, though. Without the antics of you and your faithful First Hubby, I'd never have gotten all those TV gigs - I'd still be doing on-site appliance repairs and driving a Pinto. Oh, and hey, nice job mangling all those names at the EU gathering the other day. Did they teach you that in college, too?"
[Hillary lunges towards Dick, is held back by Obama and Geithner]
[Obama] "Hill, remember, you're our nation's Top Diplomat. You can't be doing things like this on nationalized national TV! Most of the world is watching us right now. Save your venom for the downtrodden, defenseless contestants!"
[Obama] "First up, we have Henrietta"
[Henrietta, singing horribly] "First of alll-lll-lll, I'd buy us all a hou-ou-ouse, then..."
[Obama] "STOP! You're applying for a deputy cabinet post, not a record deal."
[Henrietta] "Sorry. First of all, I'd buy me a house. A big, fancy house. Then I'd buy houses for everybody. All the housing problems would go away, just like that. All the bad mortgages that people lied about so they could get more house than they could afford, and all them underwater house-flippers, it'd all be paid for and off the books forever, so the fatcat bankers that gave you the fat donations for your fat campaign could still afford to fly to Global Warming summits in their private jets. Then all the money that people would've been spending on all those evil, confusing, predatory loans - they could start spending it on really important stuff like hybrid rototillers and personal windmills and solar HDTVs - stuff that would really boost the green economy."
[Obama] "Pure Genius. We'll use the stimulus money to build all these houses, I'll get to put my new logo on all of them, too! Henrietta, I think you should make it to the next round."
[Henrietta, beaming] "Sweet Ayeesha on a Postage Stamp!" [Little jumps of joy]
[Hillary, growing intoxicated] "Henry, that wath wunderfull. If I could take all the luv and care that ish in yer hart, and bottle it up, I'd pour it all over myshelf. And I'd alsho pour it like shweet, shugary shyrup on the Kitten Pureé I had for brunsch."
[Geithner, apprehensively scooting his chair away from Hillary] "The US Treasury will act aggressively to ward off this economic crisis, and use every available means to promote soundness in our financial system."
[Obama] "Um, Tim? We need some specifics and some clearer signals from you. Is that a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down?"
[Geithner] "Her ideas are better than anything I've come up with so far. So, yeah, thumbs-up."
[Obama] "Next up is Howard the Hippie"
[Howard the Hippie] "Dudes, thanks for this opportunity. One time when I was like, dropping acid, I got this, like idea on how to make my VW hippievan get like 200 mpg. It's all based on hemp and magnets, man. So I built my idea, using just hemp and some magnets, and like put it in my hippievan. It didn't do much until I, like, remembered that it needs a 9V battery, too. I remembered that the next time I was doing acid. When I hooked up that little battery, like, dude, my van now gets like 200 mpg. I was saying to all my friends that I think I just solved the energy crisis or something, but they kept telling me not to sell out. Normally I don't give half a crap about what happens to our fascist warmongering country, but my idea could make for cleaner transportation -and- the legalization of hemp. So I told them they better just, like, shut up or something.
[Obama] "Those are interesting ideas, and they would help our economy. But I think you'd be better suited to the Department of Transportation or even the Department of Agriculture. Why weren't you at our open casting for those positions?"
[Howard] "Sorry, man. I just got this totally overwhelming urge to like, do some needlepoint that day."
[Hillary] "Undershtood. We've all been there."
[Geithner] "I will work closely with the Federal Reserve and our counterparts in the EU to minimize global credit shortages and hasten a return to sustainable growth while keeping inflation in check."
[Howard, speaking to Obama while pointing at Geithner] "Dude, I don't think I want to work for that guy. I think I'd like, rather sell my invention on the internet and grow hemp. And maybe go mining for magnets. Peace, 4:20 I gotta go!"
[Obama] "Last guest tonight is Martin the Meth Addict."
[Martin, startled by the applause, tensing up] "The other day I couldn't sleep, for the fourth night in a row, so I was looking at the little tiny numbers on the financial page of the newspaper. I think the problem is Market Capitalization. Look at it: NYSE, AMEX, NASDAQ, DJIA. It's all capitals. There's still way too much capital in the market."
[Obama, chiming in] "Sorry to interrupt, but I really have to agree with you so far. We need to get more capital out of the market and into government."
[Martin, pupils now huge. Furtive, paranoid glances around the room] "Yeah. And the pride/earnings ratios are way off. They used to be like 40:1 and now they're way lower. So are the price/earrings radios. I used to get $10 for two stolen earrings or a stolen radio at the pawnshop, and now that guy won't even give me $5. But I think the worst part is the profit/errorings rations."
[Obama] "Yes! I tried to say so the other day! But Limbaugh and the rest of the Reich Wing commentators just made fun of me. I glad to see that my message was getting through!"
[Hillary, head atilt, snoring aloud]
[Obama] "Makeup! Come over here and clean the slobber off Hillary's chin!"
[Geithner] "This man really speaks the language of Wall Street. To most Americans, this terminology is worse than Classical Greek, meaning this fellow just may be the man for the job. TARP funds will be used to purchase illiquid assets from mortgage vendors and thaw out the frozen credit sector."
[Theme music] [Obama] "Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to go to change.gov and vote online for our next Deputy Secretary of the Treasury!"
Friday, March 6, 2009
Barry rough week
"Beware the Ides of March!"
President Obama sat up abruptly in bed, the haunting words of his ghostly dream still ringing in his uncommonly large ears. [Waking Michelle] "Mish, wake up! I've had a nightmare!"
[MichelleO, wagging finger] "No uh-uh, honey! Wakin' me up at 3:00am is just the beginning of your nightmare!"
[Obama] "Please don't hit me this time! I'm so scared!"
[MichelleO, exhibiting a rare bit of humanity] "OK, I won't whup' on you... this time. Tell me about your dream. Unless there are other women in your dream. Then I am gonna whup' on you."
[Obama] "It was just a strange disembodied voice that said 'Beware the Ides of March'."
[MichelleO] "The only Ides I know is the St. Ides Malt Liquor I used to drink before I got rich working in that hospital. Quit worrying about it and get some sleep. There are thousands of things to worry about that are more important than some silly little dream."
[Obama] "OK. Thanks for supporting me."
------------------
[Haggard looking Obama stumbles into morning staff meeting, rubs his eyes and clumsily reaches for his coffee cup]
[Rahm E.] "Sire, forgive me, but you look horrid!"
[Obama] "Yeah, I had a bad night. Bad dreams and stuff. And Michelle wasn't very helpful."
[Rahm E.] "Oh my. Tell me about your dream, sire. My days as a ballet dancer taught me how to interpret the thoughts of others and express them as dance."
[Obama] "All it was was a creepy ghosty thing saying 'Beware the Ides of March'."
[Rahm E. en pointe, fluttering about, leaping and prancing] "Et tu?" "Gah!" [Clutches ribs, collapses, feigning death]
[Obama] "What the heck was that?"
[Rahm E.] "Sorry, sire. Shakespeare was always difficult to dance to. I'll try harder next time."
[Obama] "No. Please don't. Do not ever flit about like that again. Just tell me what the dream is about."
[Rahm E.] "No worries, sire. We don't even know anyone named Brutus."
[Obama, banging head on desk] "We went from nightmares to you doing some really gay gymnastics thing to I dunno what... Just tell me what the dream means."
[Rahm E.] "The 'Ides' is an old Anglo word for 'middling-part-of.' The ghost was cautioning you to be careful around the middle of this month. You know, like don't put any big bets on who's going to be in the NCAA Tournament, don't let Biden use the riding lawnmower, that kind of stuff."
[Obama] "Finally! Thanks. I didn't know what to make of that dream, but I'm glad you've cleared it up. With that settled, let's get down to business."
[Rahm E.] "Sire, just a reminder that Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the United Kingdom will be here in about 5 minutes."
[Obama] "CRAP! I totally forgot! Here's $50 - dash down to the White House souvenir shop and get a gift for the PM! This is gonna be worse than the time I forgot about my anniversary and Michelle beat me with a 5-iron."
[SecTreas Geithner, sobbing uncontrollably] "The Australians think I'm a flaming idiot and that I don't know how to solve the financial crisis."
[Obama] "Cheer up Tim. It's not just you. None of us know how to fix the financial crisis. But I give a good speech, so it's cool."
[SecState Clinton] "Putin pretty much laughed in our face at our missle defense/help with Iran idea. Then when I presented my gift to Foreign Minister Lavrov he nearly peed himself laughing. [Starting to choke up and cry] "I got him a big plastic button that said 'reset' in Russian. You know, like a reset button for Russian/American relations. It was so cute! It was such an endearing gift! But the translation was wrong, and it said 'overpriced' instead of 'reset.' I don't know very much Russian, but I think they were saying that I was a harlot and that if my asking price was five bucks that too, would be overpriced. [Total sobbing breakdown with layer after layer of makeup flowing off her face onto the polished hardwood desk]
[Obama, trying desperately to find a positive to latch onto] "Hey, our trillion-dollar stimulus package helped keep 25 police officers on duty in Ohio! That's only like $40 billion per job! [Holds out hands for fist bump, none accept the invite but instead continue crying]
"Umm. Alright. I recognize that things have to get worse [cabinet cries even louder] before they get better. But things will get better! Things always get better. [Voice trails off, Obama himself gets a little misty-eyed]
[Dr. Sanjay Gupta leans in through the doorway] "President Obama, thank you for considering me for the prestigious post of Surgeon General." [Exaggerated Gandhi accent] "But I would sooner clean the dairy case of my nephew's convenience store than work for your misfit administration. Goodbye, now!"
[Obama, hanging head] "It's only March the 6th. What else could go wrong between now and the 15th?"
President Obama sat up abruptly in bed, the haunting words of his ghostly dream still ringing in his uncommonly large ears. [Waking Michelle] "Mish, wake up! I've had a nightmare!"
[MichelleO, wagging finger] "No uh-uh, honey! Wakin' me up at 3:00am is just the beginning of your nightmare!"
[Obama] "Please don't hit me this time! I'm so scared!"
[MichelleO, exhibiting a rare bit of humanity] "OK, I won't whup' on you... this time. Tell me about your dream. Unless there are other women in your dream. Then I am gonna whup' on you."
[Obama] "It was just a strange disembodied voice that said 'Beware the Ides of March'."
[MichelleO] "The only Ides I know is the St. Ides Malt Liquor I used to drink before I got rich working in that hospital. Quit worrying about it and get some sleep. There are thousands of things to worry about that are more important than some silly little dream."
[Obama] "OK. Thanks for supporting me."
------------------
[Haggard looking Obama stumbles into morning staff meeting, rubs his eyes and clumsily reaches for his coffee cup]
[Rahm E.] "Sire, forgive me, but you look horrid!"
[Obama] "Yeah, I had a bad night. Bad dreams and stuff. And Michelle wasn't very helpful."
[Rahm E.] "Oh my. Tell me about your dream, sire. My days as a ballet dancer taught me how to interpret the thoughts of others and express them as dance."
[Obama] "All it was was a creepy ghosty thing saying 'Beware the Ides of March'."
[Rahm E. en pointe, fluttering about, leaping and prancing] "Et tu?" "Gah!" [Clutches ribs, collapses, feigning death]
[Obama] "What the heck was that?"
[Rahm E.] "Sorry, sire. Shakespeare was always difficult to dance to. I'll try harder next time."
[Obama] "No. Please don't. Do not ever flit about like that again. Just tell me what the dream is about."
[Rahm E.] "No worries, sire. We don't even know anyone named Brutus."
[Obama, banging head on desk] "We went from nightmares to you doing some really gay gymnastics thing to I dunno what... Just tell me what the dream means."
[Rahm E.] "The 'Ides' is an old Anglo word for 'middling-part-of.' The ghost was cautioning you to be careful around the middle of this month. You know, like don't put any big bets on who's going to be in the NCAA Tournament, don't let Biden use the riding lawnmower, that kind of stuff."
[Obama] "Finally! Thanks. I didn't know what to make of that dream, but I'm glad you've cleared it up. With that settled, let's get down to business."
[Rahm E.] "Sire, just a reminder that Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the United Kingdom will be here in about 5 minutes."
[Obama] "CRAP! I totally forgot! Here's $50 - dash down to the White House souvenir shop and get a gift for the PM! This is gonna be worse than the time I forgot about my anniversary and Michelle beat me with a 5-iron."
[SecTreas Geithner, sobbing uncontrollably] "The Australians think I'm a flaming idiot and that I don't know how to solve the financial crisis."
[Obama] "Cheer up Tim. It's not just you. None of us know how to fix the financial crisis. But I give a good speech, so it's cool."
[SecState Clinton] "Putin pretty much laughed in our face at our missle defense/help with Iran idea. Then when I presented my gift to Foreign Minister Lavrov he nearly peed himself laughing. [Starting to choke up and cry] "I got him a big plastic button that said 'reset' in Russian. You know, like a reset button for Russian/American relations. It was so cute! It was such an endearing gift! But the translation was wrong, and it said 'overpriced' instead of 'reset.' I don't know very much Russian, but I think they were saying that I was a harlot and that if my asking price was five bucks that too, would be overpriced. [Total sobbing breakdown with layer after layer of makeup flowing off her face onto the polished hardwood desk]
[Obama, trying desperately to find a positive to latch onto] "Hey, our trillion-dollar stimulus package helped keep 25 police officers on duty in Ohio! That's only like $40 billion per job! [Holds out hands for fist bump, none accept the invite but instead continue crying]
"Umm. Alright. I recognize that things have to get worse [cabinet cries even louder] before they get better. But things will get better! Things always get better. [Voice trails off, Obama himself gets a little misty-eyed]
[Dr. Sanjay Gupta leans in through the doorway] "President Obama, thank you for considering me for the prestigious post of Surgeon General." [Exaggerated Gandhi accent] "But I would sooner clean the dairy case of my nephew's convenience store than work for your misfit administration. Goodbye, now!"
[Obama, hanging head] "It's only March the 6th. What else could go wrong between now and the 15th?"
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A barry new sheriff in town
Warning: this post isn't very funny. I was just bored.
[Foggy Bottom, State Dept. HQ. Sec Clinton alone in office wearing diabolic grin, clutching Obama voodoo doll, cackling voice] "I WILLLLL be President someday, Barack. You've embarrassed me one too many times, Barack, and payback is a bi... no... payback is a... Hillary! Bwaahaahaa! Take that, Barack! [Clinton places doll in electric stapler] [K-thunk, staple pierces doll's abdomen]
[Obama, across town, rubs belly] "Ooof. I'm getting a tummyache. Are you sure the arugula was organic?"
[Rahm E.] "Indeed, sire! Not only that, the chicken was certified Halal -and- Free Range."
[Obama] "Weird. The only time I normally get these pains is when I accidentally eat something that was fertilized. I mean fertilized by something that came out of a bag - not something that came out of a cow."
[Clinton at Foggy Bottom, starting to sound like Gollum] "Yessss, sssooon the presidenssssy will be mine!" [Puts doll's head in stapler][K-thunk! K-thunk! K-thunk!]
[Obama, across town, rubs head] "Hey, Rahm. I just had this idea that I should give Biden a bigger role in my administration. We already named him Stimulus Czar, but you know, we can't just keep passing stimuli bills into perpetuity. I mean, we can do it for a long, long time, but sooner or later we'll have to give Joe something else to do."
[Rahm E.] "I see, sire." [Rahm trying to hide his disgust at the idea] "Marve..." [cough] "M, Muh, M-Marvelous idea, sire. Did you have something in mind?"
[Obama] "Why, yes. I think we should make Joe our Spending Sheriff. Because nobody messes with Joe. Give him a badge and people will really start to respect him. I'll announce it at our next cabinet meeting. Please have an official-looking badge engraved for him. Be sure it includes my 'O' logo, too."
[Rahm E.] "Yes, m'lord."
[Clinton, still in her office] "Yessssss...."
-----------
[Cabinet meeting a few days later]
[SecState Clinton] "Mr. President, the Brits are miffed about your handling of your meeting with
Prime Minister Brown."
[Obama, bad cockney accent] "Oh, so the limeys got their wankibits caught in their knickers? Bah! Brown is a tosspot." [normal voice] "Seriously, though: I'm having penpal diplomacy with Michael Medvedeadhead and Vladdy Putin, and it is going well. Who needs the the Brits?" "Next!"
[AG Eric Holder] "Waterboarding. Bad. Bad waterboarding."
[Obama] "Umm... Okay..." "Next!"
[SecTreas Geithner] "Sire, the Dow was only down about 40 today!"
[Obama] "Who cares? The stock market yoyos up and down like a tracking poll. Rahm?"
[Rahm E.] "Your approval ratings are holding steady, sire."
[Obama] "See what I mean? You should be investing in ME!"[Eyes glaze over, hands held high] "Yes! Invest in ME! I am The One!" [Snaps out of it] "Sorry. Anything else?"
[Collective silence]
[Obama] "Well then, I have an announcement. Get Joe in here."
[Axelrod] "My colitis is acting up. Pardon me." [Axelrod departs hurriedly]
[Biden] "Hey guys!" [nods toward Hillary] "and gal!" [Clinton smiles back at Joe, her fangs partially visible]
[Obama, taking badge from Rahm] "Joe, I do hereby name you Spending Sheriff! If anybody in government fails to spend up to their mandated minimums, you have authority to jail them or do anything else you see fit to do, as long as it increases spending." [Pins badge on Biden's suitjacket]
[Biden, trembling with joy] "Oh, wow! I mean WOW! You like me! You really, really like me! I can't wait to go install some lights and a siren on my car! [Obnoxious siren noises] "Woooo-woooo. Woooo-woooo." [hand gestures of spinning overhead lights] "Driver! Pull over! I need to see your license, registration and proof of obscene government spending! Oh yeah, and a Sheriff needs a gun! Thankfully I already have my trusty Beretta! Now I can wear it on my hip! I can put bullets in it, right?"
[AG Holder] "NO! Guns. Bad. Bad guns!"
[Biden] "Oh yeah? [Biden puffing up, readying for a fight] "You better not get between me and my sweet little Beretta. I have a Beretta and a badge - I'm your worst nightmare!"
[Holder and Biden in dramatic staredown, faces inches apart]
[Obama] "Break it up, break it up"
[Foggy Bottom, State Dept. HQ. Sec Clinton alone in office wearing diabolic grin, clutching Obama voodoo doll, cackling voice] "I WILLLLL be President someday, Barack. You've embarrassed me one too many times, Barack, and payback is a bi... no... payback is a... Hillary! Bwaahaahaa! Take that, Barack! [Clinton places doll in electric stapler] [K-thunk, staple pierces doll's abdomen]
[Obama, across town, rubs belly] "Ooof. I'm getting a tummyache. Are you sure the arugula was organic?"
[Rahm E.] "Indeed, sire! Not only that, the chicken was certified Halal -and- Free Range."
[Obama] "Weird. The only time I normally get these pains is when I accidentally eat something that was fertilized. I mean fertilized by something that came out of a bag - not something that came out of a cow."
[Clinton at Foggy Bottom, starting to sound like Gollum] "Yessss, sssooon the presidenssssy will be mine!" [Puts doll's head in stapler][K-thunk! K-thunk! K-thunk!]
[Obama, across town, rubs head] "Hey, Rahm. I just had this idea that I should give Biden a bigger role in my administration. We already named him Stimulus Czar, but you know, we can't just keep passing stimuli bills into perpetuity. I mean, we can do it for a long, long time, but sooner or later we'll have to give Joe something else to do."
[Rahm E.] "I see, sire." [Rahm trying to hide his disgust at the idea] "Marve..." [cough] "M, Muh, M-Marvelous idea, sire. Did you have something in mind?"
[Obama] "Why, yes. I think we should make Joe our Spending Sheriff. Because nobody messes with Joe. Give him a badge and people will really start to respect him. I'll announce it at our next cabinet meeting. Please have an official-looking badge engraved for him. Be sure it includes my 'O' logo, too."
[Rahm E.] "Yes, m'lord."
[Clinton, still in her office] "Yessssss...."
-----------
[Cabinet meeting a few days later]
[SecState Clinton] "Mr. President, the Brits are miffed about your handling of your meeting with
Prime Minister Brown."
[Obama, bad cockney accent] "Oh, so the limeys got their wankibits caught in their knickers? Bah! Brown is a tosspot." [normal voice] "Seriously, though: I'm having penpal diplomacy with Michael Medvedeadhead and Vladdy Putin, and it is going well. Who needs the the Brits?" "Next!"
[AG Eric Holder] "Waterboarding. Bad. Bad waterboarding."
[Obama] "Umm... Okay..." "Next!"
[SecTreas Geithner] "Sire, the Dow was only down about 40 today!"
[Obama] "Who cares? The stock market yoyos up and down like a tracking poll. Rahm?"
[Rahm E.] "Your approval ratings are holding steady, sire."
[Obama] "See what I mean? You should be investing in ME!"[Eyes glaze over, hands held high] "Yes! Invest in ME! I am The One!" [Snaps out of it] "Sorry. Anything else?"
[Collective silence]
[Obama] "Well then, I have an announcement. Get Joe in here."
[Axelrod] "My colitis is acting up. Pardon me." [Axelrod departs hurriedly]
[Biden] "Hey guys!" [nods toward Hillary] "and gal!" [Clinton smiles back at Joe, her fangs partially visible]
[Obama, taking badge from Rahm] "Joe, I do hereby name you Spending Sheriff! If anybody in government fails to spend up to their mandated minimums, you have authority to jail them or do anything else you see fit to do, as long as it increases spending." [Pins badge on Biden's suitjacket]
[Biden, trembling with joy] "Oh, wow! I mean WOW! You like me! You really, really like me! I can't wait to go install some lights and a siren on my car! [Obnoxious siren noises] "Woooo-woooo. Woooo-woooo." [hand gestures of spinning overhead lights] "Driver! Pull over! I need to see your license, registration and proof of obscene government spending! Oh yeah, and a Sheriff needs a gun! Thankfully I already have my trusty Beretta! Now I can wear it on my hip! I can put bullets in it, right?"
[AG Holder] "NO! Guns. Bad. Bad guns!"
[Biden] "Oh yeah? [Biden puffing up, readying for a fight] "You better not get between me and my sweet little Beretta. I have a Beretta and a badge - I'm your worst nightmare!"
[Holder and Biden in dramatic staredown, faces inches apart]
[Obama] "Break it up, break it up"
Monday, March 2, 2009
One barry good month in office
[9:00am. Obama and cabinet in meeting. Various above-any-oversight "czars" and advisors also in attendance]
[Obama] "Okay, it's Monday. How's Monday treating you?"
[Rahm E.] "Sire, our, oops, I mean 'your' nominee for US Trade Representative seems to be behind on his taxes. Not as much as Geithner, but still a substantial amount."
[Obama] "Grrr! Why is it so darned hard for you to find me nominees without a bunch of baggage like scandals and tax problems? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?"
[Rahm E.] "Sire, I'm so sorry. You've directed us to seek out those who share your ideology. Such people tend to be scantly-reformed radicals from the '60s who don't like giving anything to The Man, so they fudge their taxes. I try to explain to them that now they ARE 'The Man' so it's all good, and they should get current on their obligations. Sometimes the message sinks in, other times it doesn't."
[Obama] "What does the Trade Representative do, anyway?"
[Rahm E.] "Sire, he mostly cowtows to oppressive regimes and the World Bank so that we can continue to have ready access to all the cheap crap produced overseas by our quasi-marxist brethren. He routinely negotiates multibillion dollar deals, so a few thousand in unpaid taxes seems just a pittance in comparison. And the press really doesn't care. He'll be confirmed without hassle. I ought not to have even troubled you with such a trivial problem."
[Obama] "OK. As long as I don't get hassled about it, I don't care. Good enough. Next!"
[Axelrod] "Bams, we should go with Sebelius for HHS. She's been a decent governor."
[Obama] "Has she paid her taxes!?!?!"
[Axelrod] "Dunno. Haven't thought to check. I'll get back to ya on that one."
[Obama, rolling eyes] "Great. OK, Next!"
[SecState Hillary Clinton] "The Iranians have taken an American hostage. Well, maybe 'hostage' is not quite the right word - what they've done is more like put her in prison without much of a reason. Is that more of a 'political prisoner' or is that a 'hostage?' I guess it comes down to what the definition of 'is' is."
[Obama] "You used the pronoun 'her' which surprises me."
[Clinton] "Yes, she's a former Miss North Dakota"
[Obama] "So you're kind of implying that she's kind of hot?"
[Clinton] "Well, I definitely think so. But regardless, we still need to get her released as soon as possible. Iranian Hostage Situations tend to not turn out so well for Democrats."
[Obama] "What do you mean by that? Did you husband screw up some hostage thing in Iran?"
[Clinton] "Uhmm, no. At least not that I know of. But he did a lot of things that I didn't know about at the time. I sometimes wish he'd been on that plane with Ron Brown."
[Obama] "What? Oh, nevermind. You confuse the me. Good thing I picked Biden for veep. He may be prone to shooting his mouth off, but at least he's usually on topic. Next!"
[Clinton, smiling politely. Hands under desk, discreetly smacks her Obama voodoo doll upside the head]
[SecTreas Geithner] "Sire, the stock market fell about 300 points today."
[Obama] "So? Seems like it does that all the time. Why do you mention it?" [tinny, barely audible Ludacris music is heard faintly] "Excuse me while I take this call. It's probably Oprah." [checks caller ID] "Oh, hey, it's Warren Buffet!" [answers phone] "Yo, Buff! Whassup?"
[Warren Buffet] "Mr. President! The Dow fell 300 today!"
[Obama] "Yeah, me 'n Timbo were just talkin' about that. Let me put you on speaker."
[Buffet, audible to all] "Now the Dow is below 7000!"
[Obama] "Umm. Is that bad?"
[Buffet] "YES! This isn't golf! Low numbers are bad! I supported you and look what you've done! The economy is in shambles!"
[Obama turning off speakerphone and holding phone to his ear] "But when I golf, I usually get like a 130 or a 140. Seems like 7000 is still pretty decent..."
[Buffet, interrupting] "Fool! Do you know anything about finance?"
[Obama] "I thought we were talking about golf. I'm so confused."
[Buffet] "You better get this mess straightened up! I've lost billions since you took over!"
[Obama, in cutesy babytalk voice] "Awww, sounds wike wittle warren want a baywout. It's otay, we can do dat." [Winces at Buffet's raised voice in earpiece, holds phone away from ear briefly before hanging up] "Heehee! Old people cuss funny!" "Next!"
[greggycraig] "Sire, your choice for Urban Czar, Adolfo Carrion, seems to have some Pay-for-Play scandals. Rather like your friend Blegojevich, but on a tad smaller scale."
[Rahm, tensing in expectation of another rebuke] "Sire, not to worry..."
[Obama, interrupting] "We named a guy named 'Adolfo' to be a Czar? I'm not sure Putin is going to like that. I've been discussing our folding like a cheap kid's play tent on that Eastern Europe Missile Defense thing that Boooooosh was so hyped about. I've promised that we'll give it up without a fight if he promises to help Iran not blow us up with nukes or something. He double-pinky-promises to help, but it's still very delicate negotiations - be sure of that. Czars and Adolfs might make him a little uneasy, you know. The Russians have long memories."
[Rahm] "Sire, the fellow's last name is Carrion, as in 'garbage eater'. I think Putin would very much approve of associating Czars and Adolfs with buzzards dining on bloated roadkill. And as a Czar, there he faces no Senate approval so his alleged misdeeds have no bearing on the selection."
[Obama] "Rahm, once again I am so glad I hired you. You can appease Putin AND bring me some homestyle pay-for-play all in one smooth motion. Nicely done! Next!"
[Biden barging in, wearing ridiculous outfit resembling a pink mutated Gumby] "Guys! I have great news! They've developed this awesome flexible armor. I'm wearing it now. Cool, huh? It's flexible, oh, kinda like warm taffy 'til you hit it sharply and then the molecules like do this molecular thing and become rigid and absorb the blow. Even bullets. Then it becomes flexible again. Now you don't have to worry about us both simultaneously dying in some weird tragedy that would leave us with a President Pelosi."
[Axelrod looks at Biden and stifles laughter. Axelrod hears Biden's words. Axelrod, drooling, tries to carve hole in his forehead using presidential fountain pen] "Can't. Take. The. Pain. In. Cerebrum. Wish. For. Death. Before. Joe's. Inanity. Assails. Me. Further." [Collapses]
[Biden, glancing at Axelrod] "Whoa. Anyway, as I was sayin' I can hang out with you guys now because I'm pretty much bulletproof. Heck, a bomb could go off in here and take the whole West Wing down, and I'd be fine. So you don't have to exclude me from all this cool governing stuff anymore. I know it was a sensible precaution before, but totally needless now. This stuff looks like bubble gum. Hey, when I'm in this superman suit, you should call me Bazooka Joe 'cuz I really do look like a piece of bubble gum and my name is Joe and some gum company makes gum called Bazooka Joe. I should get a bazooka. They have funny little comics on the wrapper that I always laugh at. At least when I have my glasses on and can read the little words they're saying. I like gum. One time when I was a kid - no wait, it was only about a year ago - I got gum in my hair. It was really messy. I tried the peanut butter trick. Didn't work. Tried the cooking oil trick. Didn't work. Tried like for hours to comb it out and was getting nowhere. Then I remembered that my hair is fake so I just pulled my hair out and it didn't even hurt. There was enough left that I could rearrange it and nobody could tell that I had fake hair plugs. That was pretty cool. Not very many people can do that. I mean, pull their hair out without it even hurting. And that was before I was bulletproof. I'm even more invincible now with this suit. Go ahead, like kick me or something."
[Axelrod stirs] "Grraahhh!" [Axelrod charges forward and punches Joe square in the face. Biden falls, blood coming out his nose]
[Biden] "No, Axe! Ow! You were supposed to hit me in the armored areas. Not my face! That's the one part of me that isn't bulletproof! How did you manage to hit the one single place that could hurt me!?"
[Obama] "Joe, this suit is amazing, but Axe just showed that you still have vulnerabilities. Now, hurry out of here before any terrorists realize that we're all in one room. Let us know when you've added a section of armor that totally makes an airtight bulletproof seal over your face. Then we'll know for sure you're safe and we'll all be able to meet together.
[Biden] "Right away, sir!" [Biden exits hastily]
[Obama] "Anything else?"
[Group] "No, that's it"
[Obama] "Right on! It's only 9:17 in the morning and we're done governing for the day! I'll be able to take a flight in my spiffy ride and still have time to give away billions of taxpayer dollars! Woohoo!"
[greggycraig] "Sire, your choice for Urban Czar, Adolfo Carrion, seems to have some Pay-for-Play scandals. Rather like your friend Blegojevich, but on a tad smaller scale."
[Rahm, tensing in expectation of another rebuke] "Sire, not to worry..."
[Obama, interrupting] "We named a guy named 'Adolfo' to be a Czar? I'm not sure Putin is going to like that. I've been discussing our folding like a cheap kid's play tent on that Eastern Europe Missile Defense thing that Boooooosh was so hyped about. I've promised that we'll give it up without a fight if he promises to help Iran not blow us up with nukes or something. He double-pinky-promises to help, but it's still very delicate negotiations - be sure of that. Czars and Adolfs might make him a little uneasy, you know. The Russians have long memories."
[Rahm] "Sire, the fellow's last name is Carrion, as in 'garbage eater'. I think Putin would very much approve of associating Czars and Adolfs with buzzards dining on bloated roadkill. And as a Czar, there he faces no Senate approval so his alleged misdeeds have no bearing on the selection."
[Obama] "Rahm, once again I am so glad I hired you. You can appease Putin AND bring me some homestyle pay-for-play all in one smooth motion. Nicely done! Next!"
[Biden barging in, wearing ridiculous outfit resembling a pink mutated Gumby] "Guys! I have great news! They've developed this awesome flexible armor. I'm wearing it now. Cool, huh? It's flexible, oh, kinda like warm taffy 'til you hit it sharply and then the molecules like do this molecular thing and become rigid and absorb the blow. Even bullets. Then it becomes flexible again. Now you don't have to worry about us both simultaneously dying in some weird tragedy that would leave us with a President Pelosi."
[Axelrod looks at Biden and stifles laughter. Axelrod hears Biden's words. Axelrod, drooling, tries to carve hole in his forehead using presidential fountain pen] "Can't. Take. The. Pain. In. Cerebrum. Wish. For. Death. Before. Joe's. Inanity. Assails. Me. Further." [Collapses]
[Biden, glancing at Axelrod] "Whoa. Anyway, as I was sayin' I can hang out with you guys now because I'm pretty much bulletproof. Heck, a bomb could go off in here and take the whole West Wing down, and I'd be fine. So you don't have to exclude me from all this cool governing stuff anymore. I know it was a sensible precaution before, but totally needless now. This stuff looks like bubble gum. Hey, when I'm in this superman suit, you should call me Bazooka Joe 'cuz I really do look like a piece of bubble gum and my name is Joe and some gum company makes gum called Bazooka Joe. I should get a bazooka. They have funny little comics on the wrapper that I always laugh at. At least when I have my glasses on and can read the little words they're saying. I like gum. One time when I was a kid - no wait, it was only about a year ago - I got gum in my hair. It was really messy. I tried the peanut butter trick. Didn't work. Tried the cooking oil trick. Didn't work. Tried like for hours to comb it out and was getting nowhere. Then I remembered that my hair is fake so I just pulled my hair out and it didn't even hurt. There was enough left that I could rearrange it and nobody could tell that I had fake hair plugs. That was pretty cool. Not very many people can do that. I mean, pull their hair out without it even hurting. And that was before I was bulletproof. I'm even more invincible now with this suit. Go ahead, like kick me or something."
[Axelrod stirs] "Grraahhh!" [Axelrod charges forward and punches Joe square in the face. Biden falls, blood coming out his nose]
[Biden] "No, Axe! Ow! You were supposed to hit me in the armored areas. Not my face! That's the one part of me that isn't bulletproof! How did you manage to hit the one single place that could hurt me!?"
[Obama] "Joe, this suit is amazing, but Axe just showed that you still have vulnerabilities. Now, hurry out of here before any terrorists realize that we're all in one room. Let us know when you've added a section of armor that totally makes an airtight bulletproof seal over your face. Then we'll know for sure you're safe and we'll all be able to meet together.
[Biden] "Right away, sir!" [Biden exits hastily]
[Obama] "Anything else?"
[Group] "No, that's it"
[Obama] "Right on! It's only 9:17 in the morning and we're done governing for the day! I'll be able to take a flight in my spiffy ride and still have time to give away billions of taxpayer dollars! Woohoo!"
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Gripe, Gripe, Gripe
It looks like Google has killed my header graphic. Yay. I'll upload it again when I have some time. But it bugs me. Wanna know what else bugs me? Single-ply toilet paper. Enlightened Europeans seem to agree. I much prefer two-ply. Unfortunately, our eurofriends across the sea are taking things way too far, as is their wont. While they don't much like single-ply, they Really Hate 2-ply. But even 2-ply has its faults. Ever have the two plies (is that really the plural of ply? Looks weird to me!) "delaminate" and come off the roll as two parallel but out-of-phase plies, where the little perforation thingies don't line up? THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! It has been happening to me a lot more often since Obama took over. Correlation, causation or coincidence?
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sarcastic Blogger can't compete, may seek bailout funds.
OK, a couple days ago Obama names Biden "Stimulus Czar." When asked why he chose Biden, Obama said "Nobody messes with Joe" Seriously. That was the logic. Nothing about economic or financial skills. Nothing about rooting out corrupution or waste.
Then Mr. Czar shows up on TV, and is asked what specific things the Stimulus will do for small business. Our Czar says* "If your customers can't get to you because of transportation, we'll help 'em. If, ya know, the bridge over the creek needs repaired, we'll fix it so you customers can reach you. If your costs of doing business are getting out of hand, we'll install a Smart Meter for your electricity usage." When asked if there was a website with more details, he said yes, but that he didn't know the website number!
As an upstart humorist blogger, how the bloody blinkety-blank am I supposed to compete with that level of Stupid? I mean it! I try, Every Single Day, to come up with some fanciful and ridiculous ideas to build a funny post around, and every single day the Obama/Biden reality ends up being way more wacky than anything my mind can muster. I am outclassed.
*I heard this quote on the radio and posted it from memory. I'll add a link when I finally find one.
Then Mr. Czar shows up on TV, and is asked what specific things the Stimulus will do for small business. Our Czar says* "If your customers can't get to you because of transportation, we'll help 'em. If, ya know, the bridge over the creek needs repaired, we'll fix it so you customers can reach you. If your costs of doing business are getting out of hand, we'll install a Smart Meter for your electricity usage." When asked if there was a website with more details, he said yes, but that he didn't know the website number!
As an upstart humorist blogger, how the bloody blinkety-blank am I supposed to compete with that level of Stupid? I mean it! I try, Every Single Day, to come up with some fanciful and ridiculous ideas to build a funny post around, and every single day the Obama/Biden reality ends up being way more wacky than anything my mind can muster. I am outclassed.
*I heard this quote on the radio and posted it from memory. I'll add a link when I finally find one.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sorry 'bout lack of updates
I was having a lot of fun during the first few weeks of Obama's administration: Flubs, trip-ups and gaffes-o-plenty. There were abundant daily news items that I could easily write something sarcastic about. Lately, though, it's been a lot harder. Not because Obama has suddenly found his stride and there are no problems to point out. Quite the contrary. I've started lots of posts that ended up as half-finished drafts that I've never posted because they're just not funny. I mean, I've included all the usual snark and silliness, but what Obama is doing to our nation just isn't laughable anymore, and trying to make ha-ha out of it seems totally tasteless.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Judd Gregg not barry cool
[Obama] "Ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, and Jake Tapper for a little while longer 'til you 'disappear' I'd like you to meet the next White House Counsel, Judd Gregg."
[greggycraig, tapping Obama's shoulder and whispering] "Sire, I think you've misspoken. Again. "
[Obama] "During the campaign season, I promised bipartisanship. I promised an end to politics-as-usual-tit-for-tat-party-line policies. This angered many of my far-left supporters, who would rather do a naked swan dive into a shallow pool of thumbtacks than support a republican. But that's OK. I'm not a New Party socialist ideologue. My fling-poo-at-military-recruiters-far-leftist friends recognize that I am president of everybody and will continue to support me.
"With this promise in mind, I have retained Gates at defense, I have not materially changed our Iraq policy, and even the rendition program continues unabated. I even promised that there would be republicans in my cabinet. So I hereby present to you greggycraig, your next Secretary of Commerce. [Looks over to Judd Gregg, extends congratulatory handshake]
[Ram E.] "I would also like to extend my hand to Mr. Gregg, but I can't reach that high. However, he and I have already discussed our mutual appreciation and respect, and his willingness to cede Census responsibilities from his department directly to me." [Raised eyebrow on Gregg] "Since I am in an appointed position with no congressional oversight, and am known to be a vicious partisan hack, it took a lot of convincing before Mr. Gregg agreed that this Census manuever was a good idea. This is the kind of moral tenacity that our country needs during these troubling times, and just multiplies my respect for this man. " [Ram glances to Gov. of New Hampshire and exchanges a not-so-subtle wink with him] "Additionally, Mr. Gregg is so principled, he insisted that his democrat Governor only appoint another republican to replace him. That is epitome of bipartisanship right there - democrat and republican working together for the best of the country." [Stifled laughter]
[Obama] "Mr. Gregg contributes valuable republican insights into how best to stimulate our economy by piddling away nearly a trillion dollars. He will also provide valuable cover for weak-kneed moderate republicans - and oh, trust me, there are quite a few - allowing them to vote bipartisanly in a bipartisan manner for bipartisan pork and waste and bipartisan personal enrichment. Patriots like Specter and Snowe will feel much more comfortable doing their patriotic duty of voting for my garbage knowing that there'll be a republican in a token position with token involvement in the whole thing."
[Keith Olberman, into recording device] "Note to self: not all republicans are the Worst Person in the World."
[Ram E.] "Once I finish correcting the, um, 'statistical errors' in the Census data, 100% of House seats will be in blue states. This will be a remarkable accomplishment, that wouldn't be possible without Mr. Gregg so admirably putting partisan issues on the back burner."
[Obama] "As the new Secretary of Commerce, juddycraig's first responsibilites will be getting a better job for Julio and some housing for Henrietta. But at the moment none of that matters as I need to jet off to the Caterpillar Heavy Equipment factory.
-------------------------------
[Obama] "...and that is what my stimulus package will do. It will be great. It will be awesome. It will get thousands of you laid-off former co-workers back to work."
[Assembled workers] "Yay! Obama is great!"
[Jim Owens, CEO of Caterpillar, yanking mike away from Obama] "Are you serious? Do you really think spending millions of taxpayer dollars on Honeybee Insurance and Polar Bear Exhibits and Monorails and Dog Parks in Chula Vista is going to do a darn thing for my employees? I might as well light a big pile of cash on fire, that would at least keep them warm for a few minutes during this harsh winter."
-----------------------------
[Judd Gregg, on his website] "Obama told me I'd be doing republicany kinds of things like negotiating trade deals with foreign governments. Then I find out what he's really all about. At this point I can't tell if he's a liar, a moron, or simply in way over his head. If Rahm were a larger individual, I'd call him a 'weasel', but I'll have to settle for calling him a, uh, erm, 'extremely small member of the Mustelidae family.' I won't work for this administration. I am going back to the Senate to oppose every harebrained idea this administration conjures up."
------------------------------
[Obama, in Air Force One back to DC] "Crap."
[greggycraig, tapping Obama's shoulder and whispering] "Sire, I think you've misspoken. Again. "
[Obama] "During the campaign season, I promised bipartisanship. I promised an end to politics-as-usual-tit-for-tat-party-line policies. This angered many of my far-left supporters, who would rather do a naked swan dive into a shallow pool of thumbtacks than support a republican. But that's OK. I'm not a New Party socialist ideologue. My fling-poo-at-military-recruiters-far-leftist friends recognize that I am president of everybody and will continue to support me.
"With this promise in mind, I have retained Gates at defense, I have not materially changed our Iraq policy, and even the rendition program continues unabated. I even promised that there would be republicans in my cabinet. So I hereby present to you greggycraig, your next Secretary of Commerce. [Looks over to Judd Gregg, extends congratulatory handshake]
[Ram E.] "I would also like to extend my hand to Mr. Gregg, but I can't reach that high. However, he and I have already discussed our mutual appreciation and respect, and his willingness to cede Census responsibilities from his department directly to me." [Raised eyebrow on Gregg] "Since I am in an appointed position with no congressional oversight, and am known to be a vicious partisan hack, it took a lot of convincing before Mr. Gregg agreed that this Census manuever was a good idea. This is the kind of moral tenacity that our country needs during these troubling times, and just multiplies my respect for this man. " [Ram glances to Gov. of New Hampshire and exchanges a not-so-subtle wink with him] "Additionally, Mr. Gregg is so principled, he insisted that his democrat Governor only appoint another republican to replace him. That is epitome of bipartisanship right there - democrat and republican working together for the best of the country." [Stifled laughter]
[Obama] "Mr. Gregg contributes valuable republican insights into how best to stimulate our economy by piddling away nearly a trillion dollars. He will also provide valuable cover for weak-kneed moderate republicans - and oh, trust me, there are quite a few - allowing them to vote bipartisanly in a bipartisan manner for bipartisan pork and waste and bipartisan personal enrichment. Patriots like Specter and Snowe will feel much more comfortable doing their patriotic duty of voting for my garbage knowing that there'll be a republican in a token position with token involvement in the whole thing."
[Keith Olberman, into recording device] "Note to self: not all republicans are the Worst Person in the World."
[Ram E.] "Once I finish correcting the, um, 'statistical errors' in the Census data, 100% of House seats will be in blue states. This will be a remarkable accomplishment, that wouldn't be possible without Mr. Gregg so admirably putting partisan issues on the back burner."
[Obama] "As the new Secretary of Commerce, juddycraig's first responsibilites will be getting a better job for Julio and some housing for Henrietta. But at the moment none of that matters as I need to jet off to the Caterpillar Heavy Equipment factory.
-------------------------------
[Obama] "...and that is what my stimulus package will do. It will be great. It will be awesome. It will get thousands of you laid-off former co-workers back to work."
[Assembled workers] "Yay! Obama is great!"
[Jim Owens, CEO of Caterpillar, yanking mike away from Obama] "Are you serious? Do you really think spending millions of taxpayer dollars on Honeybee Insurance and Polar Bear Exhibits and Monorails and Dog Parks in Chula Vista is going to do a darn thing for my employees? I might as well light a big pile of cash on fire, that would at least keep them warm for a few minutes during this harsh winter."
-----------------------------
[Judd Gregg, on his website] "Obama told me I'd be doing republicany kinds of things like negotiating trade deals with foreign governments. Then I find out what he's really all about. At this point I can't tell if he's a liar, a moron, or simply in way over his head. If Rahm were a larger individual, I'd call him a 'weasel', but I'll have to settle for calling him a, uh, erm, 'extremely small member of the Mustelidae family.' I won't work for this administration. I am going back to the Senate to oppose every harebrained idea this administration conjures up."
------------------------------
[Obama, in Air Force One back to DC] "Crap."
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