Barry great World Tour

Obama and wife arrive at Buckingham Palace.

[Obama] "Your Majesty The Queen, it is such a delight to meet you. In keeping with the special relationship between our two countries, I present you this gift. An iPod. Let the Queen's Annals record that said iPod has on it stored my many lofty speeches, and $11 worth of show tunes I downloaded from iTunes and amazon.com."

[Queen Elizabeth II, slightly indignant (but it's hard to tell since she's British)] "Charming."

[Obama] "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like you to meet my lovely wife, Michelle"

[QE daintily extends hand]

[Michelle O] "HI!" [Grasps queen's hand firmly and gives a vigorous shake] "I've been such a fan of yours for years. I can hardly believe this is happening. I need a hug!" [Yanks QE to her side and gives her a big squeeze]

[loud SNAPPING noise, QE gasps]

[butler] "Oh, my! I do believe you've broken the queen's back! Summon the Royal Guard! Raise the drawbridge!"

[QE] "That won't be necessary." [QE, bends over and touches toes then straightens up] "I haven't been able to stand this straight in nearly 70 years. Thank you so."

[MichelleO] "No probs."

[QE, to Obama] "It was highly considerate of you to research my musical tastes. But there may be a problem. When my grandson got me my first iPod 4 years ago he had to teach me the finer points of Digital Rights Management and Copyright Law. I presume you are aware that paying for those songs only gets you a non-transferrable license to listen to those songs? By giving me yet another iPod, pre-loaded with music, in front of witnesses, even, you have involved me in a crime!"

[Obama] "I wouldn't worry about it. I don't think we'll extradite over this. And even if Attorney General Holder insists, I'll just pardon you anyway."

[QE] "Young President, you are a fine man. Even after all the evils my country has perpetrated on your Kenyan ancestors, you show yourself a forgiving soul. And your wife is a fine chiropractor. I would very much like to knight you right here and now, but..."

[Obama] "Your Highness, the President bows before no royal. I'm sorry that I can't accept this prestigious offer."

[QE] "Oh, that bloody yankee egalitarianism! But you interrupted me too soon. I was going to say - I'd like to knight you, but my advanced age and the frailty that comes with it has made it difficult to rightly handle the sword. I fear I might accidentally lop off one of your uncommonly large ears."

[Obama w/ unkind look on his face]

[QE] "Ha! You poor yanks have no appreciation for proper British humour. That was funny! Funny, I say!"

[Obama] "Good day, dear queen. Sadly, we must be leaving" [Grabs MichellO by the elbow and stomps out of the palace]
--------
[Following day, G20 summit]
[Obama] "We must present a unified front. We must put aside self-interests. We are a global community with a global economy. The only way out of this financial crisis is through global action. We shall pool our resources and spend many trillions of dollars and euros lifting the poor and starving out of their impoverished state." [teleprompter malfunction] "Uh. Umm. The impoverished state is, uh, not one of the 57 states, uh, but more, uh, like, a province in each of, uh, our states. And uh, by 'states' I mean 'countries.' Not 'state' uh, like 'Mississippi' even, uh, though there is a lot of impoverishmentness in Mississippi, 'cuz uh, Bush took, uh, so long to, uh, fix the levees or something."
[Angela Merkel] "Ach! Ve vill have none of your rampant spending! You are a stammering fool!"
[Summit Chairman, banging gavel] "Let's break for lunch"
---------------
[King Abdullah, to Obama] "الركوع قبلي "
[Obama, in perfect Arabic] "تعلمون لا أستطيع "
[Abdullah] "الركوع أو قبلي أنا لن يبيع لك وقود لطائرة الرئاسة الخاصة بك. "
[Obama] "Wowwww! Check out that fancy belt buckle King Abdullah has! Whoo-wee! Mind if I get a closer look?"
[Abdullah, quietly] "Feel free, you apostate pig!"
[Omaba bows obediently]
--------------
[Brussels, NATO summit]
[Obama] "We need the continued support of NATO to defeat al-Qaeda and the Tollybahn in the mountainous border regions."
[Sarkozy] "We offer 10 soldiers. Non-combat soldiers. Cooks. Yes, cooks."
[Obama] "The great country of France, fatherland to men such as Napoleon and de Gaulle has only 10 soldiers to offer?"
[Sarkozy] "No, Monsieur. We have many more soldiers, but you are ze height of weenieness, monsieur. We have only 10 soldiers that can tolerate you. Even ze brits say you are pantywaist.
-------------
[Air Force 1, en route back to DC]
[Obama, to himself] "Dang. Publically smacked-down by a geriatric queen, Mangela Urkel, and even Sarko. I need a pizza and a party to cheer me up."