Thursday, February 12, 2009

Judd Gregg not barry cool

[Obama] "Ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, and Jake Tapper for a little while longer 'til you 'disappear' I'd like you to meet the next White House Counsel, Judd Gregg."

[greggycraig, tapping Obama's shoulder and whispering] "Sire, I think you've misspoken. Again. "

[Obama] "During the campaign season, I promised bipartisanship. I promised an end to politics-as-usual-tit-for-tat-party-line policies. This angered many of my far-left supporters, who would rather do a naked swan dive into a shallow pool of thumbtacks than support a republican. But that's OK. I'm not a New Party socialist ideologue. My fling-poo-at-military-recruiters-far-leftist friends recognize that I am president of everybody and will continue to support me.

"With this promise in mind, I have retained Gates at defense, I have not materially changed our Iraq policy, and even the rendition program continues unabated. I even promised that there would be republicans in my cabinet. So I hereby present to you greggycraig, your next Secretary of Commerce. [Looks over to Judd Gregg, extends congratulatory handshake]

[Ram E.] "I would also like to extend my hand to Mr. Gregg, but I can't reach that high. However, he and I have already discussed our mutual appreciation and respect, and his willingness to cede Census responsibilities from his department directly to me." [Raised eyebrow on Gregg] "Since I am in an appointed position with no congressional oversight, and am known to be a vicious partisan hack, it took a lot of convincing before Mr. Gregg agreed that this Census manuever was a good idea. This is the kind of moral tenacity that our country needs during these troubling times, and just multiplies my respect for this man. " [Ram glances to Gov. of New Hampshire and exchanges a not-so-subtle wink with him] "Additionally, Mr. Gregg is so principled, he insisted that his democrat Governor only appoint another republican to replace him. That is epitome of bipartisanship right there - democrat and republican working together for the best of the country." [Stifled laughter]

[Obama] "Mr. Gregg contributes valuable republican insights into how best to stimulate our economy by piddling away nearly a trillion dollars. He will also provide valuable cover for weak-kneed moderate republicans - and oh, trust me, there are quite a few - allowing them to vote bipartisanly in a bipartisan manner for bipartisan pork and waste and bipartisan personal enrichment. Patriots like Specter and Snowe will feel much more comfortable doing their patriotic duty of voting for my garbage knowing that there'll be a republican in a token position with token involvement in the whole thing."

[Keith Olberman, into recording device] "Note to self: not all republicans are the Worst Person in the World."

[Ram E.] "Once I finish correcting the, um, 'statistical errors' in the Census data, 100% of House seats will be in blue states. This will be a remarkable accomplishment, that wouldn't be possible without Mr. Gregg so admirably putting partisan issues on the back burner."

[Obama] "As the new Secretary of Commerce, juddycraig's first responsibilites will be getting a better job for Julio and some housing for Henrietta. But at the moment none of that matters as I need to jet off to the Caterpillar Heavy Equipment factory.
[Obama] "...and that is what my stimulus package will do. It will be great. It will be awesome. It will get thousands of you laid-off former co-workers back to work."

[Assembled workers] "Yay! Obama is great!"

[Jim Owens, CEO of Caterpillar, yanking mike away from Obama] "Are you serious? Do you really think spending millions of taxpayer dollars on Honeybee Insurance and Polar Bear Exhibits and Monorails and Dog Parks in Chula Vista is going to do a darn thing for my employees? I might as well light a big pile of cash on fire, that would at least keep them warm for a few minutes during this harsh winter."
[Judd Gregg, on his website] "Obama told me I'd be doing republicany kinds of things like negotiating trade deals with foreign governments. Then I find out what he's really all about. At this point I can't tell if he's a liar, a moron, or simply in way over his head. If Rahm were a larger individual, I'd call him a 'weasel', but I'll have to settle for calling him a, uh, erm, 'extremely small member of the Mustelidae family.' I won't work for this administration. I am going back to the Senate to oppose every harebrained idea this administration conjures up."
[Obama, in Air Force One back to DC] "Crap."

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