Saturday, March 7, 2009

A barry idolatrous selection

[American Idol theme music, audience cheering. President Obama struts onto stage. Crowd erupts in raucous applause and cheering]

[Obama] "Good evening, folks! I've been having a ton of trouble filling the vacant positions in my cabinet. My administration has nationalized the set and crew of this famous show to help me out."

[More cheers]

[Obama] "We don't want to mess up the chemistry that has made this show such a success, so we're going to continue with the three judge panel that you're used to. I'll be that Jackson guy. Hillary will be Paula, and since I flat #$%^& hate Brits I've put Treasury Secretary Geithner in Simon's seat. Tonight we are auditioning applicants for the many deputy positions yet to be filled under Sec'y Geithner. The economy is in such wretched shape that nobody with a decent reputation wants to come anywhere near that bumbling Geithner" [Tim smiles and waves to camera] "But there are a lot of unemployed people out there who haven't yet felt the benefit of my stimulus package. We want to put one of them to work fixing our economy! Tonight! So let's get this show started!"

[Obama and panel take their seats, cheering gradually subsides]

[Hillary reaches into her cavernous purse and pulls out a bottle of schnapps and a fistful of pills]

[Obama] "Er, um, Hill, um, whatcha doing?"

[Hillary] "Just getting into character. [Swallows pills and follows them with a big chaser straight out of the bottle] "I took some drama classes in college," [burp] "and I was taught that the best performers become totally immersed in their characters." [Pours remaining contents of bottle over herself]

[Dick Morris, from front row of audience] "Yeah, and your life has been nothing but drama ever since, you old nag! Not that I'm complaining, though. Without the antics of you and your faithful First Hubby, I'd never have gotten all those TV gigs - I'd still be doing on-site appliance repairs and driving a Pinto. Oh, and hey, nice job mangling all those names at the EU gathering the other day. Did they teach you that in college, too?"

[Hillary lunges towards Dick, is held back by Obama and Geithner]

[Obama] "Hill, remember, you're our nation's Top Diplomat. You can't be doing things like this on nationalized national TV! Most of the world is watching us right now. Save your venom for the downtrodden, defenseless contestants!"

[Obama] "First up, we have Henrietta"

[Henrietta, singing horribly] "First of alll-lll-lll, I'd buy us all a hou-ou-ouse, then..."

[Obama] "STOP! You're applying for a deputy cabinet post, not a record deal."

[Henrietta] "Sorry. First of all, I'd buy me a house. A big, fancy house. Then I'd buy houses for everybody. All the housing problems would go away, just like that. All the bad mortgages that people lied about so they could get more house than they could afford, and all them underwater house-flippers, it'd all be paid for and off the books forever, so the fatcat bankers that gave you the fat donations for your fat campaign could still afford to fly to Global Warming summits in their private jets. Then all the money that people would've been spending on all those evil, confusing, predatory loans - they could start spending it on really important stuff like hybrid rototillers and personal windmills and solar HDTVs - stuff that would really boost the green economy."

[Obama] "Pure Genius. We'll use the stimulus money to build all these houses, I'll get to put my new logo on all of them, too! Henrietta, I think you should make it to the next round."

[Henrietta, beaming] "Sweet Ayeesha on a Postage Stamp!" [Little jumps of joy]

[Hillary, growing intoxicated] "Henry, that wath wunderfull. If I could take all the luv and care that ish in yer hart, and bottle it up, I'd pour it all over myshelf. And I'd alsho pour it like shweet, shugary shyrup on the Kitten PureƩ I had for brunsch."

[Geithner, apprehensively scooting his chair away from Hillary] "The US Treasury will act aggressively to ward off this economic crisis, and use every available means to promote soundness in our financial system."

[Obama] "Um, Tim? We need some specifics and some clearer signals from you. Is that a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down?"

[Geithner] "Her ideas are better than anything I've come up with so far. So, yeah, thumbs-up."

[Obama] "Next up is Howard the Hippie"

[Howard the Hippie] "Dudes, thanks for this opportunity. One time when I was like, dropping acid, I got this, like idea on how to make my VW hippievan get like 200 mpg. It's all based on hemp and magnets, man. So I built my idea, using just hemp and some magnets, and like put it in my hippievan. It didn't do much until I, like, remembered that it needs a 9V battery, too. I remembered that the next time I was doing acid. When I hooked up that little battery, like, dude, my van now gets like 200 mpg. I was saying to all my friends that I think I just solved the energy crisis or something, but they kept telling me not to sell out. Normally I don't give half a crap about what happens to our fascist warmongering country, but my idea could make for cleaner transportation -and- the legalization of hemp. So I told them they better just, like, shut up or something.

[Obama] "Those are interesting ideas, and they would help our economy. But I think you'd be better suited to the Department of Transportation or even the Department of Agriculture. Why weren't you at our open casting for those positions?"

[Howard] "Sorry, man. I just got this totally overwhelming urge to like, do some needlepoint that day."

[Hillary] "Undershtood. We've all been there."

[Geithner] "I will work closely with the Federal Reserve and our counterparts in the EU to minimize global credit shortages and hasten a return to sustainable growth while keeping inflation in check."

[Howard, speaking to Obama while pointing at Geithner] "Dude, I don't think I want to work for that guy. I think I'd like, rather sell my invention on the internet and grow hemp. And maybe go mining for magnets. Peace, 4:20 I gotta go!"

[Obama] "Last guest tonight is Martin the Meth Addict."

[Martin, startled by the applause, tensing up] "The other day I couldn't sleep, for the fourth night in a row, so I was looking at the little tiny numbers on the financial page of the newspaper. I think the problem is Market Capitalization. Look at it: NYSE, AMEX, NASDAQ, DJIA. It's all capitals. There's still way too much capital in the market."

[Obama, chiming in] "Sorry to interrupt, but I really have to agree with you so far. We need to get more capital out of the market and into government."

[Martin, pupils now huge. Furtive, paranoid glances around the room] "Yeah. And the pride/earnings ratios are way off. They used to be like 40:1 and now they're way lower. So are the price/earrings radios. I used to get $10 for two stolen earrings or a stolen radio at the pawnshop, and now that guy won't even give me $5. But I think the worst part is the profit/errorings rations."

[Obama] "Yes! I tried to say so the other day! But Limbaugh and the rest of the Reich Wing commentators just made fun of me. I glad to see that my message was getting through!"

[Hillary, head atilt, snoring aloud]

[Obama] "Makeup! Come over here and clean the slobber off Hillary's chin!"

[Geithner] "This man really speaks the language of Wall Street. To most Americans, this terminology is worse than Classical Greek, meaning this fellow just may be the man for the job. TARP funds will be used to purchase illiquid assets from mortgage vendors and thaw out the frozen credit sector."

[Theme music] [Obama] "Ladies and gentlemen, be sure to go to change.gov and vote online for our next Deputy Secretary of the Treasury!"

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