Thursday, July 19, 2012

Barry batty campaign strategy

Scene: Obama in meeting with his campaign staff.  Cabinet members, Czars, and anybody with a role in actual governance notably absent, though they can be seen through the windows  playing beer-croquet on the lawn. 

[Obama] "I don't see what's so bad about what I said the other day.  It's the truth."

[Axelrod, vexed] "Dammit!  That's exactly what's so bad!  Truth undermines everything we're trying to do.  Truth is toxic.  This is another Joe the Plumber moment and it could cripple us.  Remember: Never Tell the Truth.  K?"

[Obama] "But they really didn't build those things!  They didn't build the roads.  They didn't build the schools.  They didn't build the teachers.  They didn't build the fiber-optic networks that carry the cold air to their air conditioning.  They didn't do anything except win life's lottery."

[Plouffe] "We know all that.  But you can't say all that.  We, unlike most, are smart enough to know it takes a village to run a taco wagon, but we have to let the people think they're important and that they're accomplishing something."

[Obama] "But I'm just reiterating what Elizabeth Warren has been saying."

[Axelrod] "She can say stuff like that.  She's running for state-wide office in a very blue state.  She doesn't have to worry about cheesing off the independents.  You do. You just don't have enough Cherokee blood in you to make a line like that work."

[Obama] "Neither does Elizabeth Warren!"

[Messina, laughing] "Mon Dieu!  You just said something clever, without aid of a 'prompter!  Progress!"

[Axelrod] "Besides, can you imagine what Romney's campaign will do with a gaffe like that?" [reaches for remote, turns on TV]

[Romney, on TV] "According to the pResident, nobody is successful on their own.  He says that anybody who enjoys success does so on the backs of everybody else.  Alright, then what about the failures?  If every last person deserves a Happy Joy Participation Trophy when a business succeeds, is everybody also at fault when a business fails?  See the vacant storefront down the street, that used to be a nail salon?  Has America failed?  Has all of America, working together, been unable to run a nail salon?  Is that what we have sunk to under pResident Obama?  300 million Americans can't keep a nail salon up and running?  That right there tells us how awful barry's stewardship of the economy has been.  He needs to go back to Chicago and stay there."  [super-tight zoom-in on Romney's steely stare] "I'm Future President Mitt F'n Romney and I approve this message."

[Axelrod, clicking TV off] "See what I mean?"

[Obama] "Hey! It isn't my fault that some greedy bastard tried to open a nail salon.  He could have got a government job or volunteered at a non-profit or something.  But no... He gambled.  He lost.  I do NOT feel his pain."

[Messina] "Ummm, you do realize that the salon was probably owned by a femal..."

[Axelrod] "Don't bother, Jim.  He doesn't get it."

[Plouffe] "Yeah.  Let's shift gears.  Mr. President, you no doubt are aware of the popularity of the Batman movies.  Interestingly, the villain in this latest release is named 'Bane' and... [holds up leather bat-costume] "...this is your Bane-battling batcampaign batsuit!  The people will love it!"

[Obama] "Yeah, baby!  I'm gonna get to crush that evil capitalist entity!"

[Plouffe] "Actually, sir, the bad guy is 'Bane', not 'Bain'."

[Obama] "Yeah.  'Bain'."

[Axelrod] "Sir, 'Bain' and 'Bane' are homophones.  They're pronounced the same."

[Obama] "I thought the homophone was what the mayor of Gotham would use to bat-call me when he needs me to bat-save the city from capitalism."

[Messina, eyeroll] "Here's the deal.  Since you don't weigh no more than a buck-oh-five, the wings on the batsuit will create just enough lift that you can jump off the roof of the campaign bus, swoop down and land on your feet.  There'll be a guy in a costume.  He'll look like Bane from the movie, but also wearing a Romney mask.  We're counting on most Americans being so intensely dumb that they begin to mentally associate Bane the Movie Bad Guy with Bain and Romney."

[Obama, pensively] 'You know, I'm really starting to form a mental connection between Bane and Bain.  Almost like they're one-in-the-same."  [less pensively, more excitedly] "So then I get to swoop in and kick him in the face/neck/chest/breast/inseam areas?"

[Plouffe, facepalm] "Yep.  But we should rehearse.  Suit up!"

[Obama] "Whoohoo!"

VP Biden walks in, wearing a VERY ill-fitting Robin suit which appears to be made of old bowling league shirts held together with safety pins.

[Biden] "Hey guys!  I want in on this!"  [ties piece of rope to doorknob] "Look! If somebody'll hold my cape up, I can make it look like I'm scaling a vertical wall!" [squats down, pulls on rope]  "See?!" [door pops open, Joe falls over backwards] "D'oh!"

[Obama] "Not now, Joe!  This is one of the most important moments of my life!" [urgently, into telephone] "A terrorist dressed as a homeless Robin has made it past security.  He might be high on bath salts.  Arrest him immediately and lodge him at Gitmo."  [Burly men enter and drag the VP away]

[Obama] "Jim, thanks for leaving a gap in the mask I can smoke a cigarette through.  The mask goes over my upper lip, though, which may cause trouble with my choom bong.  And I'll need much bigger earholes.  Look into it, OK?  But in the meantime let's try it out."

Obama and crew go up the service stairs to the White House roof.  Obama inserts his arms into the batwings and jumps!  The wings immediately fold behind him and he lands in a disheveled heap on the grass.

[Plouffe, quietly, to Axelrod] "He has the pecs of a man that don't weigh no more than a buck-oh-five"

[Axelrod] "Yep."

[Obama] "¡Jaime! ¿Porque is there Bo stuff in the grass, right in my landing zone?"

[Jaime the Guatemalan illegal alien groundskeeper] "Sorry, Señor Presidente!"

[Messina] "It's OK, sir.  We'll use wires like they did in Peter Pan."

[Obama] "Alright.  Let's get back out there on the campaign trail and start killing Bain/Bane!"

-------------------

[Chris Matthews, MSNBC host] "Let's go live now, to the President's campaign appearance in Hope, Arkansas!"

Obama leaps from roof of CampaignBus1 and lands gracefully on his feet.  He slaps Bane/Bain in the face with a white glove and then begins to beat him up.

[Matthews, split screen] "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen this amazing President do.  It makes me want to jump up and throw a batarang.  In my pants!"

[Heckler #1] "Hey, barry!  I can see your wires!  Or are those puppet strings?"

[Heckler #2] "Yeah, are those supposed to be special effects or special ed?


[Obama, to hecklers] "Knock it off!  I killed Osama bin Laden!"

[Heckler #3] "No you didn't.  Somebody else made that happen.  Nobody has ever been successful by himself, right?"

[Obama] "buhh... umm... let me be clear..."

Romney's campaign bus honks in the distance, and the crowd waves approvingly.

**UPDATE:  Linked at the Amazing and Awesome IMAO and the ever Bobberific Bob's Blog

16 comments:

  1. Finally the first commenter. Just had to say that. Anyway. Awesome post, Inno. I'm glad I got a little insider preview of this post so I could throw in the Biden/Robin thing. But seriously Inno, I couldn't have made this up. You probably didn't make this up either, cause it's waaay too good to be a story. And I could see Joe Biden in a Homeless Robin outfit.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Keep it up and you're gonna harsh his buzz.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Classic form, Inno... you obviously have a well-placed source in the Inner Circle...

    ReplyDelete
  4. "I'm Future President Mitt F'n Romney and I approve this message."

    Well, ya had me right there. The rest of the piece was yer usual brilliant self, but I think I MIGHT steal the Romney line.

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  5. That lying SOB ... I built the fiber optic networks.

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  6. "He needs to go back to Chicago and stay there"

    Actually, I don't have a problem with Obama joining Carter on building Habitat for Humanity houses around the world

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    Replies
    1. Plus, he'd cry like a little girl after banging his thumb with a hammer. Nerf hammer, that is.

      Delete
  7. For some reason, I lost my lunch when Chris Matthews began to talk. Linked here: http://bobagard.blogspot.com/2012/07/nobody-has-ever-been-successful-by.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Chris Matthews Weight Loss System. Only on TV, not available in stores!

      Delete
  8. FYI, ott, but your dont tread on us blog is blocked from my server as a "malicious site" :-(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That blog was established by a good guy named Trestin. He's actually running for office in Utah right now. He set me up with co-blogger status there, but I don't post much. Heck, I don't post much to my own blog lately. Dunno why it would be blocked.

      Delete
  9. This ranks among your very best!

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    Replies
    1. Even though the batarang in Chris Matthews' pants image is a little disturbing, it's still among your best. Thanks for the giggles.

      Delete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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