Thursday, March 1, 2012
Barry spendy gasoline
Obama, slumped on couch, stepping through the channels on the giant White House flat panel TV. Biden enters.
[Biden] "Hey, boss! How are you?"
[Obama] So bored. Governing sucks. I wish the R's would finish deciding who is going to be their sacrificial punk so I could get back out on the campaign trail more. And what's all this birth-control stuff on C-SPAN?"
[Biden] "Oh, some student from Georgetown complaining that contraception is so expensive, she can barely afford to be a slut and a law student at the same time, and she wants barrycare to pay for her pills."
[Obama] "I'm sure that when we finally finish reading that bill, we'll find that there's something in there to help her."
[Biden] "I can't remember if it was Winston Churchill or W.C. Fields, but I like what he said about Georgetown: 'If you gathered up all the slutty Georgetown law school chicks and laid them end-to-end, nobody would be the least bit surprised'."
[Obama] "I have no idea what that means. So it was probably that Churchill bunghole. That guy never made any sense to me. But the American economy pretty much runs on lawyers and sluts, so this might be kind of a big deal. Thankfully I don't care about the American economy. I actually feel more like golfing at the moment."
[Obama, into intercom] "Hey, get Rahm to warm up the motorcade and take me to that swanky country club out on the edge of town."
[intercom voice] "Sorry, m'lord. Rahm doesn't work here any more."
[Obama] "Oh, yeah. Get Daley to warm up my car."
[intercom] "Sorry, sire. Daley quit, too."
[Obama] "Dang it! Who does work here now?"
[intercom] "Sadly, m'lord, I am not really sure."
[Biden] "Boss, I'll handle this one."
[Obama] "Thanks, Joe. When I put one in the water hazard today, I'll mulligan it in your honor."
Biden dashes off to start the vehicles and round up the Secret Service detail. Shortly thereafter, he returns.
[Obama] "That was fast, Joe. Thanks."
[Biden] "Sir, I'm afraid all the motorcade vehicles are out of gas."
[Obama, incredulous] "Whaaat?"
[Biden] "The guy down in the motor pool explained that the drastic uptick in fuel prices, combined with your and the the first lady racking up serious Frequent Flyer miles, means that they've already burned through the year's fuel budget. They can't buy any more gas unless Congress passes a special appropriation."
[Obama] "Dang!" [Dials a phone number] "Generalismo Chavez! Como estas?"
[Hugo Chavez] "mumble"
[Obama] "Sorry to hear that. Say, how's about you hook me up with a tanker load of that fine, fine Venezuelan petrol?"
[Obama] "But just a few months ago, you said your tumors tingled with excitement every time you thought about me!"
[Obama] "Fine! Be that way!" [Slams phone down]
[Obama, dialing another number] "Yo, Vladdy! Hey, I'm looking to make a deal on a tanker load of your oil so I can go golfing."
[Putin] "Tovarich, I have seen your golf swing. I do not think a tanker of oil will help your game. Dasvidaniya." [click]
[Obama, increasingly mad, dials another number] "Yo, yo! Stevie Ray! This is Barack and Roll All Night, comin' at ya live from DC! So, about that Keystone pipeline..."
[Prime Minister Harper] "Excuse me?"
[Obama] "I'm sorry. I get a little caught up in the moment sometimes. I want to discuss the Keystone pipeline."
[Harper] "No way, hoser!"
[Obama] "Seriously. I, like, need your help"
[Harper] "Take off, eh!" [click]
[Obama, dialing another number] "Hey Ben! So, hate to keep rattling the cup and stuff, but I need some gas money. Can you print me out another batch of hundreds?"
[Bernanke] "Sir, in our haste to deliver the last batch, we forgot to keep any of it for our own operating expenses. Now our HP CurrencyJet is out of magenta ink and we don't have the money to buy more."
[Obama] "And I've already whizzed through all that money, so I can't even lend it back to you. Dang. Can't you put it on the card?"
[Bernanke] "No. The kid at OfficeMax said the card was rejected and our credit was bad. Cash-n-carry only, from now on."
[Obama, thinking about whom else he might call, when the phone rings. Checks caller-ID] "Oh look, it's Bibi! Since when do they have any oil?" [answers phone] "Hey Benji, whassup? You have any oil you can give/loan/sell me?"
[Netanyahu] "Mr. pResident, we have recoverable oil off our coastline, but we are a couple years away from full-scale production. However, that is not the reason for my call."
[Obama] "OK, what is the reason?"
[Netanyahu] "Mr. pResident, you have treated me, my people, and my country shabbily. Therefore, we will time our strike on Iran so that the spike in oil prices will cause you maximum electoral damage. Just thought you'd like to know. Toodles." [click]
[Obama] "Dang! Dang! Dang! I.want.to.golf! So... I can't believe I'm about to do what I'm about to do..."
[Obama, making a phone call] "Hey, boner! Ahem. [respectfully] I mean, hello Speaker Boehner. Sir, I ask humbly that you and Harry get to together and break me off a little bit of gas money for the rest of the fiscal year."
[Speaker Boehner] "Mr. pResident, while your plight brings me nearly to tears, I can't help but think back to that time when you put itching powder in my skin-bronzing cream. Therefore, sir, you may go piss into a stiff headwind and then ride the train." [click]