Monday, March 5, 2012

First ever: Bad Mood Monday Poetry Slam

My bank is giving me a BIG TIME runaround.  My wife gets paid Wednesday, so I think then it'll be time to go bank shopping.  I won't name my current bank here, but their initials are W.E.L.L.S.  F.A.R.G.O.    And so maybe I'm not a high roller with a lot on deposit... Doesn't mean you can crap on me!

Don't bank at W.F.  They suck monkey pus.  Seriously.

Until Wednesday, though, I'm pretty much powerless.  All I can do is recklessly LASH OUT at anything and anybody nearby - innocent or not.  And how better to do that than by a poetry slam, right?  OK, I'll go first.

There once was an Infidel from Manhattan
Whose date leaked all the air and got flattened
After a big swig of gin,
He wiped off his chin
and said "I wonder if that bicycle innertube patch kit thing will avail me at all or will I be forever lonely?"

OK, the meter is a little off on that one.  But you get the drift.

Maybe a haiku would work better...

Sergeant Pennington
Honored Air Force Veteran
Does not like Croce

If you've had a rotten Monday and also feel the need to recklessly lash out, feel free.  Limerick, haiku, freestyle rap, Shakespearean sonnet, doesn't matter - just let 'er rip.  The object of your poesy may be real, fictitious, imaginary, or even yours truly.  I don't care.  Say whatever you want about me**.  It's not like you're going to make my day somehow worse.

If you've had an uncommonly wonderful Monday, please keep that to yourself.  I don't wanna hear it.

**As long as your language is no worse than PG rated, K?


  1. Replies
    1. I was kinda stumped on what I could use to illustrate how awful that bank is. Then it suddenly came to me: monkey pus! And that about sums it up.

  2. My Monday just got better because I don't bank with WF. It's all relative. Then again, my bank is not any better.

    1. There was a time, long ago, when I actually LIKED my bank. Then, through a series of mergers, it ended up as a BofA. Gack. Seems like they all stink now.

  3. Limmerick written in Gitmo, translated from Arabic (author unknown):

    There once was a goat herd from Riyahd
    The imams took all the goats he had
    He joined Mujahadin
    Oh the places he's been
    But it's not so much fun now, this jihad

    Limmericks rule, but haikus? Not so much

    Haiku stinks, we know
    It sucks, it bites and it blows
    But it won't die down

    1. I was worried the goat thing was going to head in a very different direction. Whew! :)

  4. I am honored. Really, rilly, and truly.

    But I'm no poet.
    And I know it.

    1. Cool. 'Round here we really do appreciate those in uniform.

  5. Lemme throw down what we wangstas call an "M n M"
    I got up outa my bed
    got a bump on my ****in' head
    I just had to yell ****
    it felt like I got hit by a truck
    Now don't mean be ********
    but now my head is a-itchin'
    Then I grabbed a ****in' cerial box
    and took a bite of the intox- icating- cerial
    I found out it was 100 days old
    and the milk wasn't cold
    I don't mean to be so bold
    So anyway I'm with ya innon it's been a Garfield proportions monday

    1. Dude - that's a serious juxtaposition! Lead off with some very edgy lyrics and close it out with a Garfield reference. That's like, pure Renaissance, man!

  6. I've had a really great Monday. Well, until my date got a leak and flew across the room.

    She was so young. I bought her last week. Why lord? Why?

  7. A couple of Lowku, a relatively obscure form of Slobovian literature.

    My dog's fart woke me up this mornin,'
    Dark clouds cover the sun,
    Butt at least I ain't married to Michelle.

    A gaggle of men in suits
    Pandering to the diseased media,
    Super Tuesday sucks.

    1. Hee. The writings of the Slobovs contain much truth.

  8. I ain't writ no poetree since furever.
    Can't blame the banks
    Economy's tanked
    And I'd like to meet Barry
    Slappin' leather

  9. I can't do the poetry-there's just a bit too much redneck in my DNA for that.

    Poor Infidel. Man simply cannot find, or even buy, love.

    1. I bought love. A real bought love. We had a $39.95 connection. Then she ran out of air. My heart was broken. It didn't even make Olivia Wilde jealous.

    2. I bought love. A real bought love. We had a $39.95 connection. Then she ran out of air. My heart was broken. It didn't even make Olivia Wilde jealous.

  10. I had a pretty good Monday.

    Just sayin'...

  11. I'll give it try...

    Bank of America sucks too,
    Violets are blue.

  12. Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    your poetry stinks
    and so do you.

  13. I'm gonna do a poem on Wednesday cuz' I don't bank with anybody.

    Life is down,
    I'm gonna frown,
    I live in a hut.
    Have a HUGE butt,
    don't have a date,
    Now I live in a crate,
    Still have a HUGE butt,
    Discovered King Tut,
    Stole some ham,
    Burnt ham, ****,
    Killed a fox,
    Live in a box,
    Still a Huge butt,
    Now I'm rich,
    Snobby, flaming...idiot
    Still HUGE butt,
    Now I'm a glut...ton

    And probably just misspelled glutton.

    1. That was the single lamest poem I have ever read. I will never get those 23 seconds of my life back. I am stupider for having read it. I award you no points, and may Gog haver mercy on your soul.

  14. Wells Fargo have I
    Problems with another bank
    B of A sucks balls

  15. You wouldn't believe what we went through with WF Financial, our mortgage, and flood insurance.

  16. Not only does WF suck, they are evil. Do a google search on their laundering drug money.


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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