Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Jeeeee-hawwwwd! NASCAR Season!


Bubba bin-bubba al-Bubbah here again!  Glory to Aller, it's finally time fer gentlemen to start their injuns!  Well, by thats I means gentlemen and one dirty ho-bag who ain't got no right to be b'hind no wheel.  She otter be back at home, warshin' dishes and changin' diapers, not posin' in a bikini and goin' racin'.  Bet that right there's why Aller made it rain in Daytona yesterdee.  Betcha she wrecks out and blames it on the cramps or sumpthin, 'cuz she don't in no ways belong in that manly sport o' NASCAR.

So, lemme tell ya.  The other day my cousin Jamaal put some 42" Super Swampers on his F250 but the chassis started bouncin' around like Dolly Parton on a trampoline.  I told him he needs to put him on some of them steerin' dampeners on the front end.  Ya know, they look like shock absorbers but all sideways and stuff.  So he went ahead and did it.  'Cept he didn't go and get the real thing.  He took the shocks off'en his IROC-Z that's been up on blocks since 2002.  He welded up some brackety, but ol' Jamaal don't know how to weld worth a lick.  So he tried to mount them shocks, but the welds kept failin'.  Getting that truck runnin' right was trickier than pushin' steer snot up a waterslide, lemme tell ya.  Finally we went for a test drive.  All was well for about a block or three, then the hippy-hippy shake kicked in again.  Next thing ya know, we's hittin' the curb.  I just 'bout swallered my dentures, and ol' Jamaal flew out his seat and the shifter knob hit him right in the inkwell.  I ne'er knew Jamaal could sing that high, hoo-wee!  By the way, his shifter handle is chrome and shaped like the grips on a AK-47.  It is super cool.  And Aller willin', I'll have me one soon, too.  Turns out the faulty shocks were made by Bilstein.  Sounds Joosh to me.  Them sneaky Joos'll will sell ya faulty shocks ev'ry time if you let 'em.  (Note to self:  ask the imam if I should honor-kill Jamaal for usin' joosh shocks on his IROC)

Whoa, dunno where I was headed with all that.  Oh yeah!  The race!  Where wuz I?  Oh, yep.  That Juan Pablo guy.  With a name like that, he's prolly descended from crusaders.  He got all sideways and crashed right inta that jet fuel track dryin' truck.  Betcha it was none other than the Great and Merciful Aller himself that nudged that crusader car sideways!  And Junior!  What's it take for you to win a big race, for prophet's sake?  You were right there at the end and ya blew it!  The race was right there on a silver platter!  I even wore your daddy's #3 on my headgear!  C'mon!  It's like my granddaddy used to say: you can lead a horse to water, but a goat don't make as much noise when you're molestin' 'em.

That's all for now.  I'll see ya at the races!

8 comments:

  1. W'oh ... I'd be readen somes dem words for over ta gan. Joosh got me, but I should have gotten it right away ... hell I's a regular arouns here.

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  2. Hooo-eee! That thar was one powr-ful dissertionalmutation, er, I mean disermatution, uh, what you said. Aller wud be proud as punch, I'm here to tell y'all...

    That weldin', to git 'er rite, you gotta have nurves o' steel, that and maybe a Bud (or two to steddy the fangers an' all). And don' git me started on them dang Joooooooooooooooos!!!

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  3. I'm telling! This entire post is a thought crime! A hate crime!

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  4. Al Bubba, Imma callin' a Van Camps pork 'n bean Inifarta down on you for degradin' our boy Junior. And o yeah, I think you granddaddy's wrong about them goats, mine always squeal up a storm.

    But that is one great pic of you self in fronta that there Bud backdrop. Aller be prouda you boy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bubba bin-bubba al-Bubbah

    Heh. Double-freakin' HEH! You're in serious fatwa territory now, Inno. Watch yer back.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dude, that was an excellent example on how to tick off as many easily offended groups as possible!

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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