pResident Obama and Energy Secretary Steven Chu are reclined on the White House porch.
[Obama] "OK. I'm about to unveil our new energy policy. But just in case the teleprompter hiccups, let's go over it one more time."
[Chu] "Alright. We start by announcing that all incandescent light bulbs will be immediately illegal, and all citizens have 24 hours to relinquish them to a government-approved disposal center. The incandescent, or 'Edison' bulbs must be replaced by CFL lamps. Which is extra cool, since we both own stock in CFL makers."
[Obama, nodding] "Uh-huh, uh-huh."
[Chu] "Then we have the jackboots begin inspecting homes for contraband Edison bulbs citizens may be trying to keep and/or hide. We'll prioritize our search so that republican regions get searched first. Violators will be sent to starvation camps."
[Obama] "Michelle will like that. Finally getting some victory in the War on Obesity and all that."
[Chu] "Yes. Also, the use of CFLs plus half the country wasting away in the camps will drastically reduce the nation's energy requirements. Those of us not in the camps will be able to plug in our high-end Teslas and Fiskers without overwhelming the power grid."
[Obama] "Nice. I really like the way you've thought this through."
Joseph Robinette Biden barges in.
[Biden] "Hey, boss! Mornin', Chu-choo! What's up?"
A Haz-Mat response team is seen nearby, gowning up for a dangerous mission.
[Obama] "Wonder what those guys in the bunny suits are up to?"
[Biden] "It's probably my fault. I mean, most things are mostly my fault it seems, but this time I really think it is my fault. I was in the Lincoln Bedroom, practicing my juggling. One of the bowling pins I was juggling hit the chandelier and broke a bunch of those curly-q light bulbs. People have been pretty much freaking out ever since."
[Chu] "No wonder! Those lamps have mercury in them! Very toxic!"
[Biden] "Have you noticed how much those lamps look like the curly fries they sell at Arby's? The Arby's in Scranton is the best. The best, I tell ya. Oh, mercury? Whoo! I call dibs on the mercury!"
[Chu] "Why would you want that mercury?"
[Biden] "My granddaddy back in Scranton used to have a big vial of it. Me 'n the cousins would play with it. Loads of fun. I was the only one brave enough to drink any, though."
[Chu, astonished] "You drank mercury?!?"
[Biden] "Yeah. All the time, actually. The next day would be the best part - what I left in the toiled looked just like something out of Terminator 2! So awesome!" [laughing] "Sarah, call to John. *fwoosh* See ya later, Terminator!"
[Obama] "Mr. Chu, what are the symptoms of mercury exposure?"
[Chu] "Mercury, like many other of the heavy metals..."
[Biden, interrupting, air guitar] "Heavy metal noisssssssse!"
[Chu] "As I was saying... One of the first things is hair loss. After that"
[Obama, interrupting] "Excuse me. Joe? Haven't you experienced hair loss?"
[Biden, proudly] "Hair Club for Men! I'm not just a member, I'm the president! Actually, you're the president and I'm the vice-president. Well, of the United States, that is. In the Hair Club, I think I'm like the Sergeant-at-Arms or something."
[Chu] "Another symptom is impaired cognitive function."
[Obama] "Try speaking English, OK?"
[Chu] "It makes ya stupid."
[Obama] "Allah have mercy! You're saying that the same stuff that made Joe the way he is, is right now floating into my lungs?! Gaaah!!" [running in circles, panicking. Yelling into cell phone, which he hasn't even bothered to dial] "Quick! Warm up Air Force 1! Get me an oxygen bottle! Burn the Lincoln Bedroom! And all the sheets and towels! And get me a jug of Mucinex and, and, a respirator mask and some sunscreen and get me the **** outta here!"
[Biden, to Haz-Mat team] "Hey, guys! Be sure 'n save me some of that mercury, OK?"