Monday, March 12, 2012

barry heavy metal

pResident Obama and Energy Secretary Steven Chu are reclined on the White House porch.

[Obama] "OK.  I'm about to unveil our new energy policy.  But just in case the teleprompter hiccups, let's go over it one more time."

[Chu] "Alright.  We start by announcing that all incandescent light bulbs will be immediately illegal, and all citizens have 24 hours to relinquish them to a government-approved disposal center.  The incandescent, or 'Edison' bulbs must be replaced by CFL lamps.  Which is extra cool, since we both own stock in CFL makers."

[Obama, nodding] "Uh-huh, uh-huh."

[Chu] "Then we have the jackboots begin inspecting homes for contraband Edison bulbs citizens may be trying to keep and/or hide.  We'll prioritize our search so that republican regions get searched first.  Violators will be sent to starvation camps."

[Obama] "Michelle will like that.  Finally getting some victory in the War on Obesity and all that."

[Chu] "Yes.  Also, the use of CFLs plus half the country wasting away in the camps will drastically reduce the nation's energy requirements.  Those of us not in the camps will be able to plug in our high-end Teslas and Fiskers without overwhelming the power grid."

[Obama] "Nice.  I really like the way you've thought this through."

Joseph Robinette Biden barges in.

[Biden] "Hey, boss!  Mornin', Chu-choo!  What's up?"

A Haz-Mat response team is seen nearby, gowning up for a dangerous mission.

[Obama] "Wonder what those guys in the bunny suits are up to?"

[Biden] "It's probably my fault.  I mean, most things are mostly my fault it seems, but this time I really think it is my fault.  I was in the Lincoln Bedroom, practicing my juggling.  One of the bowling pins I was juggling hit the chandelier and broke a bunch of those curly-q light bulbs.  People have been pretty much freaking out ever since."

[Chu] "No wonder!  Those lamps have mercury in them!  Very toxic!"

[Biden] "Have you noticed how much those lamps look like the curly fries they sell at Arby's?  The Arby's in Scranton is the best.  The best, I tell ya.  Oh, mercury? Whoo!  I call dibs on the mercury!"

[Chu] "Why would you want that mercury?"

[Biden] "My granddaddy back in Scranton used to have a big vial of it.  Me 'n the cousins would play with it.  Loads of fun.  I was the only one brave enough to drink any, though."

[Chu, astonished] "You drank mercury?!?"

[Biden] "Yeah.  All the time, actually.   The next day would be the best part - what I left in the toiled looked just like something out of Terminator 2!  So awesome!"  [laughing] "Sarah, call to John.  *fwoosh* See ya later, Terminator!"

[Obama] "Mr. Chu, what are the symptoms of mercury exposure?"

[Chu] "Mercury, like many other of the heavy metals..."

[Biden, interrupting, air guitar] "Heavy metal noisssssssse!"

[Chu] "As I was saying...  One of the first things is hair loss. After that"

[Obama, interrupting] "Excuse me.  Joe?  Haven't you experienced hair loss?"

[Biden, proudly] "Hair Club for Men!  I'm not just a member, I'm the president!  Actually, you're the president and I'm the vice-president.  Well, of the United States, that is.  In the Hair Club, I think I'm like the Sergeant-at-Arms or something."

[Chu] "Another symptom is impaired cognitive function."

[Obama] "Try speaking English, OK?"

[Chu] "It makes ya stupid."

[Obama] "Allah have mercy!  You're saying that the same stuff that made Joe the way he is, is right now floating into my lungs?!  Gaaah!!"  [running in circles, panicking. Yelling into cell phone, which he hasn't even bothered to dial] "Quick!  Warm up Air Force 1!  Get me an oxygen bottle! Burn the Lincoln Bedroom!  And all the sheets and towels!  And get me a jug of Mucinex and, and, a respirator mask and some sunscreen and get me the **** outta here!"

[Biden, to Haz-Mat team] "Hey, guys!  Be sure 'n save me some of that mercury, OK?"

[Chu, facepalm]

21 comments:

  1. I have a lifetime supply of the proscribed bulbs. Which, in my case, amounts to about a dozen. But... life is short, as we all know. It gets shorter the older we get.

    Brilliant, as always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. May you live long enough to outlast your stash of bulbs!

      Delete
  2. I have an overwhelming urge to mail broken CFL bulbs to congress.

    Give us our old light bulbs or give us death!

    And technically is Biden a dim bulb?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would make you a terrorist. An interesing, bizzaro anti-version of the unabomber, but still...

      Delete
  3. I have an overwhelming urge to mail broken CFL bulbs to congress.

    Give us our old light bulbs or give us death!

    And technically is Biden a dim bulb?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Linked here: http://bobagard.blogspot.com/2012/03/hair-loss-and-it-makes-ya-stupid.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bob's been on a posting/linking spree lately, people. Check out his blog. His recent joke about the Native American Jewish Redneck is a prizewinner.

      Delete
  5. Duh, mercury tastes good on pancakes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. [Homer voice] "Mmmmm.... mercuric pancakes!" [/Homer voice]

      Delete
    2. Glad you closed the Homer tag-it woulda screwed up the rest of the comments.

      Delete
  6. Man, we used to play with mercury fairly often in school and even at home. It's cool the way it sticks together and rolls around, splits when it hits an obstacle, and regroups on the other side....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same here. When I was a kid, my dad had a little bottle of it. He used to cast his own lead bullets, and then dunk 'em in the mercury which would kind of rinse off all the flecks of excess lead. It was also neat to see a lead bullet floating on the surface of the liquid.

      Delete
  7. I thought Ford quit making Mercury.

    CFL = Consistently Foolish Liberals

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dapper Dan-
      They did, but Biden said he did with his grandaddy. That was a LONG LONG time ago. Back when he was still playing with his grandaddy's junk. (referencing from "Barry Big Pile o' Junk".

      Delete
  8. Are you sure this isn't true? I mean, it all fits!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Forget the pancakes, just slather a nice greasy gob of mercury over some bread, some peanut butter on the other slice, makes a nice peanut butter and death sandwich.

    'Hmmmmm, peanut butter and death....' (Homer voice)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mercury made me the Democrat I am today!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh man, it's obviously been way too long since I've been here. Add a touch of blue to your gray and you've got, well, you know. Anyway, I can't wait until this cast of characters is in the incandescent dustbin of history. Great stuff as always, Inno.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Since Buck admitted that he has a stash of real bulbs- I will too!
    Great - imaginatively written post - it brought a much needed smile--thanks-
    Carol-CS

    ReplyDelete
  13. And all these year, I thought he was that way from eating paint. Know I feel bad.

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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