Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Presidential numerology

So there are some dingalings out there predicting the End of the World on May 21.  Even though Jesus himself said nobody would know the day or the hour. Guess that means these people are smarter than Jesus or something.  And they used numerology to figure it out.  Which, like astrology, divination, witchcraft, etc, is a sin.  So I'm not exactly freaked out about their predictions.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if God pulled the trigger a day early, just to embarrass these morons.

But it got me to thinking about numbers and patters...

The human brain is magnificent at pattern recognition...

And I noticed an interesting pattern:

In the modern era, Republican presidents with monosyllabic names have been quite inferior to those with two-syllable names.  And it is the main reason why John McCain got whupped.  Think I'm crazy?  Let's give it a closer look.
  • George - Dubya was good at some things, stunk at some other things.  I think we can agree that he was a mixed bag.
  • George the Elder -  Remember his "Golly!" moment at the check-out line?  'Nuff said.
  • Ronald - Shut up about amnesty and the Beirut Marine barracks getting blown up.  In every other way the man was like pure kickass rolled in a tortilla of awesome.
  • Gerald - Two syllables, but yet he mostly sucked.  'Cuz he was just filling in for Dick.
  • Richard - Was really monosyllable "Dick".  And he pretty much sucked.  Thanks for opening China, you [bleep].
The opposite is true of Democrats.  Since they are like bizarro-Superman antimatter version of Republicans, everything is perverted inverted.  If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.
  • Barack - Colossal megafail.  Too bad he had such commie crackhead parents who gave him that weird name.  Imagine if he had been named Brock.  Every Brock I've ever met has been manly, decisive and generally cool.  But no, Stan had to put an extra "uh" in her kid's name.  Buh-rock.  The world is paying a heavy price for that little moment of stupid.
  • Bill - Monosyllable.  Yeah, he sucked.  But as democrats go, it wasn't as awful as it could have been.  His administration was a couple Mongols short of being a full-on MCF, which is exactly what my theory would predict.
  • Jimmy - Two syllables, twice the suck.
  • Lyndon - Two syllables.  Quagmire in Vietnam...  Great Society... I'll stop there.
  • John/Jack - Either way, he was monosyllable.  And he was also the last D that was borderline decent.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Had his moral failings but cut taxes and didn't take crap from commies.
What does this all mean today?  It means just say no to Newt, Mitt, and Huck.  Unless they add a syllable to their names.


  1. Newt full name is Newton. No thanks. Mitt's first name is Willard. Um, yeah. Huckabee is a bass player, they are ALL weird.

    I am so far underwhelmed with all of them except Herman Cain, but Barry has pretty much ruined it for the black presidents for another 100 years. That is, IF, we don't all die on the 21st.

  2. It means just say no to Newt, Mitt, and Huck.

    Ummm... I think ya MIGHT be wrong about Newt. I'm leaning VERY heavily to him as we speak. There's just SUMTHIN' about a serial fornicator that resonates with me.

  3. Bill - Monosyllable. Yeah, he sucked.

    Sorry. I just think you got that wrong.

    Oh, Monica!

    Heh. Anyway, the Newt has announced his run, apparently as an effort to bolster Barry's chances for re-election. I really can't see any other reason for it.

    I'm with Paul on Herman, but man....

  4. Huckie? Newtie? McMitt?

    I dunno.

  5. Since my birthday is the 20th I don't know whether to party or pray that day now.

  6. Newt is my second to last choice. Herman Cain is my least favorite, due to his ties to the Fed. Mitt and Huck? Not what we need right now.

  7. Inno, We're all going to die! Oh, I'll see you on the 22nd.

  8. Interesting thoughts there, Inno. I got to thinking about it, and my two least favorite Presidents (after Jimmuh & Obozo) both have <three syllables in their first name.

    And, they were both Republicans, too. You figger it out...

  9. What does this all mean today? It means just say no to Newt, Mitt, and Huck. Unless they add a syllable to their names. ..with ya bout Allen West!!!

  10. Innominatus. Many syllables. Innominatus for President!

  11. Most excellent observation. But, what about Mitch? Is his name really Mitchell?


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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