Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Barry secret mission

Barely topical, recycled photo.  You're welcome.
[Axelrod] "Bams, the bump you got in the polls for offing Bin Laden has came and went.  That was about the only good thing that has happened in the last year and a half.  We need to recapture that brief, fleeting moment of success and ride it all the way to election time."

[Obama] "But every time I retell the story, my numbers go down, down, down."

[Axelrod] "Well, it's because of all the I, I, me, I you put into it.  And getting your backside bored .060" over by Netanyahu the other day didn't help.  What we need is a surrogate to go out there and sing your praises and remind the world of your awesomeness.  But without all the taint of you being the one saying it."

[Obama] "Gotcha" [into intercom] "Joe, I have a very important mission for you."

[Biden, entering] "Sir, yes sir!"

[Obama] "Joe, regarding the mission to kill Bin Laden..."

[Biden, interrupting] "Wait!  Lemme guess!  The CIA has figured out where Zwarahiri is, and you want me to lead SEAL Team 7 and take him out!" [Jumps up on chair, wielding imaginary machine gun and making gun noises] "Rat-a-tat-a-tat Oh, you want some?  Ba-da-da-da-da  Oh, you want some, too?  Bam bam bam pow.  You can't handle the truth!  Boom!!"

[Obama] "Joe, there is no SEAL Team 7."

[Biden] "Oh yes there is!  It's so secret that I'm the ONLY one who even knows about it! Ba-da-da-da-da-bang!"

[Obama] "JOE!  Knock it off! Get a grip!"

[Biden] "Sorry, sir.  I get a little bit excitable when I'm wearing my Star Fleet underoos.  I feel like I can take on the whole galaxy!"

[Obama] "Joe?  Seriously?  Star Fleet underoos?"

[Biden] "Yep!"

[Obama] "Ha!  Me too!  I wear gold.  'Cuz it's a command color."

[Biden] "No way!  I wear red.  RED is the command color."

[Obama] "No, red is the color the anonymous nobodies wear."

[Biden] "NO!  Red is Captain Picard's color!"

[Obama] "Picard?  Pthbthbth.  He never had to fight the Klingons.  Heck, they were allies."

[Biden] "It was a delicate relationship!  Lots of Smart Diplomacy going on behind the scenes, let me tell you!  Those dorky Klingons that Kirk fought weren't even real.  They were just humans with brown shoe polish on their faces, and fu-manchu mustaches."

[Obama, leaning out into the hallway] "Michelle?  Why do Klingons always look different, depending on which Star Trek is on?"

[Michelle] "Babe, you know I'm forbidden to speak of it."

[Obama] "Oh yeah.  Sorry."

[Biden] "Tholian Web? Tribbles?  Ooooh, scary!  Kirk never had to deal with Q or with the Borg.  Kirk never had to face half the challenges Picard did!"

[Obama] "Yeah?  Tell ya what would have happened...  Kirk would have strolled right into the Borg Collective.  He would walk right up to the Queen and tell her 'Set phasers to love.  Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded!' and she'd be all like 'ravage me!' and then he'd like totally bed that bossy Borg babe and like totally blow her mind and that whole subspace thought-control network of hers would crash and there would be Peace in Our Time.  Then Kirk would say 'I have to go rescue some trapped miners on Rigel-7.  Gotta go, toots.' and she'd be like 'please, stay with me!' "

[Biden] "OK.  You got me there.  I could totally see that happening.  Picard would have just blabbered on in his logbook about the moral dilemmas of having to boink an evil chick that was half robot in order to save the Federation.  Heh.  I imagine the Borg Queen would be like "Kirk!  Please come back!  I promise to stop assimilating alien races, if you can just make me feel like that again!"

[Obama] *snorting LOL*  "Hee.  Then Barney Frank would chime in: 'Assimilating?  I don't know what that is, but it doesn't sound so tewwible to me'."

[Biden, laughing uproariously] "Bwa-haa-ha-Barney bwaa-haa-ha-or bwee-hee-hee-that hah-hee-hah-Larry har-har-Sinclair guy."

Obama's face goes instantly sour.  He makes silent eye contact with a Secret Service agent who nods knowingly.  The agent approaches Biden from behind and fires his taser.  The barbs embed deeply in the veep's scalp, placed perfectly to maximize the disabling energy passing through the target's brain...

[Biden] "Bwaa-haa-haa-hee-hee-ouch-haa-haa-hee-hee-haa!"

The agent presses the zap button repeatedly. 

[Biden] "Bwaa-haa-haa-hee-hee-haa-haa-hee-hee-haa!"

[Agent] "Sorry sir.  He seems unaffected by it."

[Obama] "Alright.  Just give him a second to laugh himself out."

Biden continues laughing at his joke.  Eventually his spastic laughter leaves him unable to breathe normally and he passes out.

[Axelrod] "Umm... Yeah.  Bams, maybe we should consider sending out somebody else to remind the world of your awesomeness."


  1. Hah! I'm first in your comments.

    Foiled again Inn!!!

    Kirk could kick Picard's ass anytime.

    And the phaser wouldn't reach Biden's brain. It would bounce off is bad hair transplants.

  2. You know, I can completely see this conversation happening. Except that Obama and Biden don't have a brain cell between them smart enough to understand the argument.

    And Kirk would completely have taken on the Borg. He came before feminism had neutered and metrosexualized the Federation.

  3. Crap! It's not fair! I was at work when you posted this, and Infidel de Manahatta got the first comment in.

    I'm biding my time, though. I'm gonna catch one on the Reader just as it comes up...I've got my comment all ready, so's you can blog about it.


  4. Inno, I am a huge fan of Star Trek from the original to the Next Generation (but not beyond that) and thinking on these [fill in the blank] even liking the series has just about ruined it for me!

    I say "not beyond" as I think Captain Janeway and her crew of misfits and enemies is better suited for the (fill in the blank) as they have done the same; Totally lost, love their enemies, no clue on their own technology, no idea where to get more energy, have no real friends and the ship is run by anarchistic consensus based on prejudice,,,basically a ship of czars with no clue as to where they are, where they came from or where the hell they are going.

  5. I can't wait to see them discuss the Dominion Wars.

  6. Most enlightening post.I am like Christopher in my devotion to early Trek.A Vulcan mind meld would drain the intelligence out of anyone coming in contact with Biden. And Axlerod reminded us just the other day---BUSH DID IT!

  7. When they do get around to doing The Dominion Wars, I guess Barry will just have to be Quark. I mean, just look at those ears! And he's always trying new schemes to score more latinum.

    Biden? I'm thinking Odo. No, shapeshifting is more in Clinton's baliwick. I'm not sure about Biden.

    This was great -- really made me laugh.

  8. [Obama, leaning out into the hallway] "Michelle? Why do Klingons always look different, depending on which Star Trek is on?"

    [Michelle] "Babe, you know I'm forbidden to speak of it."

    [Obama] "Oh yeah. Sorry."

    Heh. Classic! OTOH, I think you know entirely TOO much about Star Trek. OTOOH, I suppose I don't know near enough.

    wv: worio. That prolly has some sorta meaning to Trekkies.

  9. Kirk would kick the Borg's collective arses. Then again, Obama would joint them, being a collective and all.

  10. Funny i ALWAYS thought Obama was more aNinja Mutant Turtles fan. You know masks and socks, and maybe a tutu?

    Sort of explains Obama and Rahms lifetime memberships at the Man's World Bath house.

  11. I don't know about all that Trek stuff, but "...you can't HANDLE the truth! BOOM!" was too much!

    So funny, i have been craving more of these...I still see them as sketches somewhere...Maybe Stephen Crowder could do some!


Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.


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