Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Barry disturbing events

The pResident is on his bike, clad in mom jeans, an ill-fitting helmet and goofy sunglasses.  He is pedaling about the White House grounds, looking for David Axelrod.

[Obama] "Axe!  There you are!  What's going on?  I went to bed the other night, after thoughtfully choosing 'The Avengers' underoos, with things looking good all across the board.  Now look!"

[Axelrod] "Can you be more specific?"

[Obama] "Where to start?!  Lessee, a penitentiary inmate in WV got almost as many votes as me.  Übér-rèïchführér Walker did great in the Wisconsin primaries.  NC, the state we selected for my DNC coronation, banned gay marriage!  How do we get our liberal base excited about going to NC now?  My grand styrofoam columns will be erected before an empty coliseum!!  And Romney is polling ahead of me in many crucial swing states!"

[Axelrod] "First off.  You got way outta hand with the diacritical marks in your faux-German."

[Obama] "Needless distraction!"

[Axelrod] "Secondly, Romney's campaign staff is making..."

[Obama, interrupting] "I. Can't. Lose. To. That. Guy!  He is such an uncool, rigid dork.  So very unlike me."  [gestures to mom jeans and bike helmet] "Getting beat by him would be like going to middle school and getting beat up by the special-ed kid."

[Axelrod, befuddled] "But that happened to you all the time..."

[Obama, clenched fists and stamping feet] "I know!  And I'm sick of it!"

[Axelrod] "OK, the main thing that's happening is the media hasn't been showing proper deference.  They've been hassling Carney about your 'evolving' stance on gay marriage.  And you know that scruffy kid from Media Matters?  The one you're particularly fond of?  Well, he was on Anderson Cooper the other day to talk about the 'war on women.'  Some vestigial trace of journalistic integrity must've gotten a hold of AC, 'cuz ol' Coop just ripped the kid up.  Made him, (and you, by extension) look really stupid."

[Obama] "Alright.  That's how it going to be, eh?  The gloves come off.  Right Now!" [storms angrily towards White House]

Meanwhile, a press conference is being hosted by Carney.  Biden is present also - alone in the corner, struggling with one of those bouncy ball-rubber band-wooden paddle toys.

[bap-bap-bap-fumble]

[Biden, quietly] "Oooh! A 3!"

[Carney] "OK, I have time for one more question before I have to go and finish my shift at Arby's.  Yes, go ahead."

[reporter] "Is the pResident finally going to bite the pillow, ahem, 'bullet' and reveal that he's in favor of gay marriage?"

[Carney] "We've been over this already.  The pResident's position is evolving.  Evolving takes time.  Evolution makes glaciers look like race cars.  So, nobody really knows."

Obama kicks the door open.  He rushes in and takes the mic.  "Cooper!  C'mon, Andy!  I know you're in here!"

[Dan Lothian, CNN WH correspondent] "Sir, Anderson is not here.  Probably in the Atlanta or NY studio."

Obama, eyes ablaze with rage, raises his hand with fingers curled, (like that priest dude in Temple of Doom just before doing a heart-ectomy on a victim.)  The pResident begins to hum a tone of a very specific frequency, which is a multiple of the harmonic of the wavelength of his ears...  (The math gets complicated here).  His pendulous ears begin to vibrate...  A standing wave is forming, the very air seeming to shimmer...  The entire room begins to shake at the same frequency as his ears... 

[Biden] "He has... the Weirding Way!!"

[Lothian] "What does that mean?"

[Biden] "I have no idea!"

The oscillations grow in amplitude...  Atmospheric pressure builds on human skulls...  The weaker in the room collapse in pain/fear...  Those still lucid seek to flee...

[Biden - blissfully unaffected - to Lothian, who is writhing on the floor] "Hey, do your eardrums feel like when you're up in an airplane?"

Spacetime is unable to withstand the power of The Ears...  A rift forms...  Anderson Cooper is drawn through the wormhole.  He lands in a disheveled heap on the floor.

[Cooper] "What the...?"

[Obama] "You!  You have publicly questioned my handling of the War on Women.  Thankfully, your network has lousy ratings.  But still."

[Cooper, realizing where he is] "Oh!  Mr. President!  Hey, I'm as liberal as they come.  But to claim that taking money out of the barrycare slush fund to keep student loan interest rates down is somehow akin to a War on Women, that's not liberal.  It's not progressive.  It's just stupid.  I can't let it go unchallenged."

[Obama] "Do you realize who you're talking to?  I killed bin Laden, yet you question my prosecution of a war?  How many bin Ladens have you killed, Mr. War Expert?"

[Cooper] "Geez.  This is so ridiculous."

[Obama] "There's only one way to settle this.  You. Me. Thunderdome.  Now."

[crowd begins chant] "Two swish enter.  One swish leave.  Two swish enter.  One swish leave."

Later that afternoon...

[Biden] "Hey, boss!  How'd that Twinkledome thing go?"

[Obama, with black eye, cuts, scrapes, scratch marks, and fat lip] "I *HATE* getting beat up by the special-ed kids!"

8 comments:

  1. An empty coliseum -- a dream from my father.

    ReplyDelete
  2. He's Back! Great one Inno!

    In California the black and Hispanic vote are the biggest blocks against homosexual marriage. It might hurt him ... I guy can dream can't he.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's a BRILLIANT close. Ol' AC is nuthin' if he ain't a Special Ed poster child...

    The whole piece is just superb. Hell, Inno, you've bested The Onion yet again. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The Ears...that's evil. And excellent.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Another masterpiece!

    Wierding Way -- heh. He would fit right in with the Bene Gesserit.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Since the bamster hasn't (and never will) release his transcripts from ANYWHERE he enrolled, starting at Kindercare, I suspect he IS one of those special ed kids. You know, the kids who always ride on the short buses....

    That would explain the worthlessness of all of his policies (every damn one of them).

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well done sir, though Obama is no where near cool enough to have the Weirding way.

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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