Thursday, April 28, 2011

Smarter than D'ohBama?

The other day over at Ace's place there was a discussion of barry's IQ.  Seems there's been some research done and there is a predictable relation between standardized test scores (like SAT or ACT)  and IQ as measured on the Standing Bidet scale.  Based on barry's ACT score, his IQ is likely 116.  Pretty respectable, but not exactly the rocket surgeon he's made out to be.

Anyway, this got me to wondering...  As a kid we took the IQ test but we never were given the results.  Probably to keep genius kids like me from gloating.  And also to keep gloating genius kids from being beaten up by the "big, strong, fast but not genius" kids.  So I googled around the Worldwide Computer and found there are numerous sites that will convert SAT or ACT to IQ.  And...


And I'm betting a lot of you do, too!  Maybe you'd like to give it a shot yourself.  But what about people who haven't taken the SAT, GRE, or ACT?  Or what if you don't remember your score?  No worries, mate.  I've come up with a simple test that is just as accurate as these highly scientificalish thingies out there on the web.

1.  Have you ever been locked out of the White House and/or mistaken a White House window for door?
  • Yes
  • No
2.  The Unites States of America is comprised of
  • 50 States
  • 50 States plus territories (like Guam and Puerto Rico) and administrative exclaves (like embassies)
  • 57 States
  • 31 Flavors
3.  A Navy Corpsman is
  • An member of the US Navy, usually assigned to medical duties
  • An undead zombie-like creature
4.  The United States possesses vast deposits of coal, natural gas and oil.  Therefore, we should
  • Save the lizards in Texas
  • Buy lots of oil from evil people
  • Drill baby, drill!

    Monday, April 18, 2011

    Yay Portland (??)

    I betcha some of you saw this at Ace's last night.  I don't hate soccer.  It is a good sport featuring talented athletes.  But I do enjoy teasing soccer fans.  They are a touchy bunch and gettin' them riled is almost as much fun as taunting a liberal.  And often times the soccer fan IS a liberal, so hassling them is like cashing in a 2-for-1 coupon.

    You know the kind of people I'm talking about:  The ones with a $3000 bike on a rack on top of their Subaru Outback.  That listen to "World" music and eat a lot of soy products.  They like soccer 'cuz it's so eeeurrro.  So innnnnternational.  So not confined by American cultural hegemony.  Combine that attitude with the home opener for the Portland Timbers and it's hard to believe any good could come of it.  Portland is the most wretched hive of scum and villainy and soy-eating Subaru drivers on earth.  When I saw this clip I was expecting something like naked anarchists to come out and do a synchronized Segway presentation. 

    I was wrong. That happens once in a while. And not one over-rated pseudo-celeb mangling the Anthem anywhere to be found. I like it.

    Thursday, April 14, 2011

    Not enough hours in the day

    Ever wish each day was, oh, about 30 hours long?  'Cuz there are just way too many things going on that merit a good angry rant, but not enough time.  An extra six hours would be perfect:  3 more hours of sleep and 3 extra hours to scream at the world.  It would make me feel sooooo much better...

    The other day a car parked next to mine had a dead battery.  The morons left the parking light on for a couple hours and pffft.  First of all, what kind of gutless turd are you driving if it is dead after only a couple hours of parking lights?  And second of all, how dare you ask me for a jump when your carload of morons is covered neck-to-toe in OREGON DUCK sweats?  I was REALLY tempted to cross the jumpers and blow the diodes out of their alternator but they did enough bowing like Obama groveling that I was nice and got their car started.  Plus, my car is also a gutless turd and I probably would have blown my own diodes.  (Insert crass, off-color joke here)

    Then I'm inside and ready for a snack.  The little pastry thingies looked like they'd taste better warmed up, so I gave 'em a few seconds of nuke treatment.  Bite, yumm.  'Nother bite, yumm.  Another bite.  OWWCH!  One little bit of it was hotter than fuc Fukushima Reactor #2 in July.  Burned my tongue and everything.  Makes me wish for the good 'ol days when ya had to actually put something in the oven and wait half an hour for it to get warm.  That way, it was all burned beyond recognition (like a strawman in an Obama speech) and ya KNEW it was going to burn your tongue so it wasn't such a brutal surprise.

    Then the wife gets an infection in her left big toe.  It went several days without getting any better so we went to the doc yesterday.  They had to remove the toenail to get all the yuck out.  The pain is making her miserable so if you're the praying type** and can spare a sec to pray for a quick healing, I'd appreciate it.

    Then John Bo(eh)ner comes out with this budget agreement that cuts $38 billion or maybe $15 billion, or maybe $350 million or so, or maybe even costs us a couple extra bill - all depending on who ya ask.  I thought elections were supposed to have consequences.  I guess...

    OK, I'm all ranted out.  Time for a nap. 


    ** Only if you're a Christian or a Jew.  If you are neither, I'd rather your false little-g god didn't get involved.

    Sunday, April 10, 2011


    UPDATE:  I fiddled with it some more last night and now it is recording again.  Device Manager still calls it an "unknown device" that has no driver, but as long as it is recording OK I don't care!  Thanks for all the help and suggestions.

    I finally had some time this weekend to do some recording.  I've planned and practiced three, yep, count 'em, 3 parody songs.  I even borrowed some gear from the church so I could get some better sound.  Now all of a sudden, my computer won't record.  The front input is just silence and the rear input yields only noise and random popping noises.

    Device manager shows a yellow question mark with "unknown device on HD Audio Bus" so I tried to re-install the driver automatically.  No go.  Went to ASUS website and downloaded another copy.  It installed an audio codec successfully but barfed on the actual device driver.  So still no-go.  Output is fine, however.

    Ideas?  Did some component in the audio system get cooked?  I'd had good luck with ASUS stuff going back to the mid-'90s but then one motherboard's USB system cooked (literally) and then another ASUS board started acting intermittently flaky and the shop said it had a bad capacitor.  This current one is about a year old and isn't otherwise giving me trouble so I'm not yet convinced it's an actual hardware problem.  I'm much more inclined to blame it on Windows, 'cuz, well, it's Windows.  XP with all the service packs and updates, to be more specific.

    Hopefully one of ya is a tech hero that can help me out, because I know you're all just dying to hear my version of Simon & Garfunkel's Mrs. Robinson Ms. Napolitano!

    Friday, April 8, 2011

    I'mma let ya finish

    First of all, I want to thank the fine people of Wisconsin and elsewhere who enabled me to achieve this historic victory.  With an approximately .003% advantage in the vote count, my victory is a strong refudiation of Governor "Adolf" Walker's fascist power grab.  All the millions of dollars spent on ads, signs, and bribes has proven to be worth every cent.

    I'mma let ya finish, but I just want ya to know that Beyonce has some serious junk in the trunk.  This isn't over yet.

    Excuse me, loser. (aside: Psst...Somebody shut off his mic.) I WON. Period. You are doing the people of Wisconsin a disservice with these antics.  I know for a fact that this vote count will hold up, because we are Progressive enough to have some "extra" ballots set aside, just in case.  I WON.  I will rule that everything you rethuglikkkans try to do is unconstitutional and you won't be able to stop me.

    Did I say "Beyonce"? Sorry. I meant the "County Clerk."  And did I say "junk in the trunk?"  I meant "junk in the spreadsheet."

    I don't care about your spreadsheet.  I fart in the general direction of your spreadsheet.  Now, depart, or I will suck up your soul and/or taunt you further.

    OK, I was going to wait a little bit longer because this is so much fun.  But I can't stand listening to your wheezy Library Lady voice for one more second.  I see your stash of "uncounted" votes and raise you 11,000 votes.  Over 7000 of which are for ME!


    Double damn!

    Wednesday, April 6, 2011

    Trestin Wins!

    A couple posts down Trestin recognized my allusion to an old Bloom County strip.  For you young'uns, Bloom County was a very excellent comic strip that ran in the newspaper back when people actually bought and read newspapers.  The Sunday versions were even printed in color!  I know that sounds so 19th Century but it was actually a fairly common thing right up until a few years ago. 

    So I now owe him a buck which I'll gladly send his way.  So, Trestin, click my profile or the 'contact innominatus' and send me an email with you postal address.  It'll be kinda interesting to see how long the mail takes to get to the other side of the planet.

    Trestin Meacham woot! woot! woot!

    Tuesday, April 5, 2011

    Quick Q&A

    You, the new guy in the back.  What's your question?

    [WH Spokesman Carney] "New guy in the back.  What's your nametag say?  What?  What the hell kind of name is I'm-not-an-anus?"

    [me] "Actually, it's 'innominatus.'  Close enough.  A question and a follow up."

    [Carney] "Go ahead"

    [me] "Thank you.  In light of the cowardly obstructionism and juvenile behavior by the fleebaggers in Wisconsin and Indiana, how will you convince the American people that the coming government shutdown isn't just more of the same democrat theatrics?"

    [Carney] "Buuuhhhh...  Koch brothers.  Starving kids... ummm....  Social Security..."

    [me] "I see.  The Republicans are sneaky, spineless weasels."

    [Carney] "Finally, we agree on something"

    [me] "Getting a political buttwhuppin' is humiliating.  Won't getting a political buttwhuppin' from a bunch of sneaky, spineless weasels be, like, doubly humiliating?"

    [Carney, looking around] "Oh, I get it.  This is some kind of belated April Fools thing.  Who let you in here, anyway?"

    Monday, April 4, 2011

    Barry decisive foreign policy

    White House briefing room.   DNI Clapper, VP Biden, SecState Clinton, and of course the pResident all present.

    [Clapper] "Good news from Libya, Mr. President.  The rebels there are finally learning how to shoot their weapons. "

    [Obama] "Good, good.  Maybe now they'll be able to install an anti-American fundamentalist theocracy without our help."

    [Biden] "Wait a sec.  They're just now figuring it out?"

    [Clapper] "Yeppers."

    [Biden] "They start a bloody rebellion and THEN learn to shoot?  Isn't that kinda like wiping your azz and THEN taking the crap?  Now, momma always said I wasn't the sharpest hook in the tacklebox, but to me that seems really, really dumbtastic."

    [Clinton] "You have to keep in mind that we're dealing with bedouins who have no education."

    [Biden] "It's an AK-47!  It's like the, um, even simpler than a digital camera!  Yikes!  Are we sure we want to be setting our policies based on this level of idiocy?"

    [Obama] "Joe brings up a valid point.  Maybe it is time for a new Middle East strategy."

    [Biden] "Gahhh!" [leaps]

    The Vice President dives headlong under the table, like a Hollywood action hero leaping to avoid an explosion.

    [Clinton] "Joe, knock it off!  Explain yourself!"

    [Obama] "Hill, I'm in charge.  I'll handle this.  Joe, knock it off!  Explain yourself!"

    [Biden, from under table] "Last time you tried to decide on a Middle East strategy, you completely missed the dartboard and hit me in the cheek with the dart.  My shoulder is still sore from the tetanus shot."

    [Obama] "SoOoRrrry!  Like the Libyans just learning how to shoot, I'm just now learning how to throw."

    [Biden] "Fine.  Go ahead and come up with a new strategy.  But I'm staying out of the line of fire 'til it's safe."

    [Obama] "I wasn't going to throw a dart this time, anyway.  Come back up."

    [Biden] "OK"

    [Obama] "I figured instead, I'd do some hallucinogens and try to have a vision.  You know, wisdom from the Great Beyond."

    [Obama] "Bring forth the Magic Dust"

    A White House maid arrives with some Carpet Fresh.  The pResident snorts a goodly bit of it.

    [Obama] "A m a z i n g....  I can hear the words of my father....  Hold on....  GAAHHAHHH!  The walls!  The walls!  The walls are crawling with giant fanged Funky Winkerbeans!*  Get 'em off me!"

    [Biden, to himself] "We're so screwed."

    * I'll send a dollar to the first person to tell me where that idea came from

    A word from the ombudsman

    The post below, dated 4-1-2011 and titled "April Obama Day" suggests that General Electric (NYSE: GE) won't pay any taxes this year.  That information is erroneous.  GE will indeed pay taxes this year.  The original article will remain published in its otherwise uncorrected state for the following reasons:
    1. It is funnier that way.  Maybe not by much, but it is.  Admit it.
    2. It will remain a lasting testament of the NYT's suckitude, for it is the Times' reporting that the error is based on. 
    3. Jeff Immelt's crony relationship with the Obama administration is so disgusting as to merit mockery and derision.  Even if that mockery and derision is made up out of thin frikkin' air.  Or NYTimes reporting.  Which is pretty much the same thing.
    4. Sarah Palin, Karl Rove and the Koch brothers made me do it so it isn't my fault.
    5. Going back and amending that article would totally screw up all the search bots that have already crawled and indexed the article.  Imagine how much electricity would be wasted on having Google's bots have to hit the article again.  For the sake of the glaciers and the polar bears, the erroneous article will stand.

    Friday, April 1, 2011

    April Obama Day

    White House briefing room.  CIA Director Panetta, DNI Clapper, NSA Tom Donilon, SecState Clinton, SecDef Gates and of course the pResident all present.

    [Obama] "So, whazzup in Libya?"

    [Clinton, cyring] "Some Libyan official called me 'The Old Lady of Malice.'  That's so rude!  I, I, I'm not that old.  Some people think I'm still kinda hot!"

    [Obama] "Gates, tell your people to start bombing both sides, rebels AND loyalists.  We can't have them upsetting Hillary.  'Cuz you know how it gets around here when she's having a bad day.  Just don't hit any civilians.  Unless, of course, they really deserve it."

    [Gates] "Aye, Mr. President."

    [Obama] "And one last thing, what's this about $600k for a gurgling toad sculpture?"

    [Gates] "Sir, it isn't a real toad.  It's Helen Thomas.  We're trying to help you get a handle on unemployment.  Nobody else would hire her, so, um..."

    [Obama] "Understood.  I consider that a bargain."

    [Biden] "Sir, are you sure about bombing the rebels?"

    [Obama] "Well, like Timothy Leary once said: 'Cry havoc and let's lip the frogs of Gwar!"

    [Panetta] "I thought that was Shakespeare."

    [Obama] "Don't be stupid.  Shakespeare died a few years before Gwar even played they're first show.  How could he have known?"

    [Biden, nauseated] "I licked a frog once, and I did get quite a buzz.  But after this Helen Thomas/toad discussion, I think I need a sicksack."

    [Clapper] "Shakespeare and Nostradamus were good buddies.  I betcha ol' Nostry told Bill that there would be a band called Gwar some day."

    [Donilon] "You're all crazy.  It was Andy Warhol.  And what he said was 'Cry havoc, and everybody will be famous for 15 minutes, lipping off a can of Campbell's soup."

    [puzzled expressions] "Who are you?"

    [Donilon] "I'm the National Security Advisor."

    [Obama] "I have no idea who you are.  Get out of here.  But first, get me a can of Fresca."

    [Clapper] "Since we have no plan at all, maybe we should go with 'Cry havoc, and hope for the fog of war."

    [Obama] "I like it, except for that 'war' thing."  [standing up, extra erect] "Hear ye!  Hear ye!  Cry havoc and hope and change for the fog of kinetic military actions!"

    [collective chuckles]

    [Obama] "Ya know the coolest part?  My buddy Jeff Immelt runs General Electric.  They do a LOT of defense contracting. 

    [Biden, giggling] "And they don't pay any taxes"

    [Obama] "Yeah, that's one of the benefits of being my buddy.  But the more people we bomb, the more money GE makes. Which then goes right into my campaign coffer.  Bwaaahaaahaaahaa!"


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