Friday, April 1, 2011

April Obama Day

White House briefing room.  CIA Director Panetta, DNI Clapper, NSA Tom Donilon, SecState Clinton, SecDef Gates and of course the pResident all present.

[Obama] "So, whazzup in Libya?"

[Clinton, cyring] "Some Libyan official called me 'The Old Lady of Malice.'  That's so rude!  I, I, I'm not that old.  Some people think I'm still kinda hot!"

[Obama] "Gates, tell your people to start bombing both sides, rebels AND loyalists.  We can't have them upsetting Hillary.  'Cuz you know how it gets around here when she's having a bad day.  Just don't hit any civilians.  Unless, of course, they really deserve it."

[Gates] "Aye, Mr. President."

[Obama] "And one last thing, what's this about $600k for a gurgling toad sculpture?"

[Gates] "Sir, it isn't a real toad.  It's Helen Thomas.  We're trying to help you get a handle on unemployment.  Nobody else would hire her, so, um..."

[Obama] "Understood.  I consider that a bargain."

[Biden] "Sir, are you sure about bombing the rebels?"

[Obama] "Well, like Timothy Leary once said: 'Cry havoc and let's lip the frogs of Gwar!"

[Panetta] "I thought that was Shakespeare."

[Obama] "Don't be stupid.  Shakespeare died a few years before Gwar even played they're first show.  How could he have known?"

[Biden, nauseated] "I licked a frog once, and I did get quite a buzz.  But after this Helen Thomas/toad discussion, I think I need a sicksack."

[Clapper] "Shakespeare and Nostradamus were good buddies.  I betcha ol' Nostry told Bill that there would be a band called Gwar some day."

[Donilon] "You're all crazy.  It was Andy Warhol.  And what he said was 'Cry havoc, and everybody will be famous for 15 minutes, lipping off a can of Campbell's soup."

[puzzled expressions] "Who are you?"

[Donilon] "I'm the National Security Advisor."

[Obama] "I have no idea who you are.  Get out of here.  But first, get me a can of Fresca."

[Clapper] "Since we have no plan at all, maybe we should go with 'Cry havoc, and hope for the fog of war."

[Obama] "I like it, except for that 'war' thing."  [standing up, extra erect] "Hear ye!  Hear ye!  Cry havoc and hope and change for the fog of kinetic military actions!"

[collective chuckles]

[Obama] "Ya know the coolest part?  My buddy Jeff Immelt runs General Electric.  They do a LOT of defense contracting. 

[Biden, giggling] "And they don't pay any taxes"

[Obama] "Yeah, that's one of the benefits of being my buddy.  But the more people we bomb, the more money GE makes. Which then goes right into my campaign coffer.  Bwaaahaaahaaahaa!"

15 comments:

  1. "Well, like Timothy Leary once said: 'Cry havoc and let's lip the frogs of Gwar!"

    Now that's masterful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. i'm literally lol-ing and the coworkers are looking at me funny. reminds me of the Dig 'Em statue episode on family guy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sometimes I wonder if the pResident has watched that movie about Africa, "The Lion King", a way too many times.

    He sure thinks dat circle of life thang iz all about him.

    Okay I'm a racist!

    My mind is racing trying to figger out wut that guy just dun and why wud he do dat?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I just hope that helen thomas/toad statue isn't funded by zionists!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Christopher - you are too kind.

    Buck - Danke.

    cathysue - the coworkers always look at you funny. At least now they have a reason. :)

    amanofwonder - it's a mystery wrapped in a riddle, trapped in an idiot

    Trestin - Obama Day calls for celebratory gunfire!

    Infidel - everything worth funding is funded by Zionists. Helen doesn't care 'cuz she's just happy to have a payin' gig.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "Cry havoc and let's lip the frogs of Gwar!"

    I think Gwar would approve.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dude, your satires are getting sharper by the day.

    Nice work, homie.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow, i sure wish I'D said that!

    Don't worry, Innominatus, I will...

    ReplyDelete
  9. lol oiy gotta laugh or I will implode Inno~! hope ya had a nice weekend~!..almost Monday..yikes..lol

    ReplyDelete
  10. "Sir, it isn't a real toad. It's Helen Thomas."
    I'm still laughing at this line.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I vote for naming the statue "Mahmoud Ahmadinetoad"

    ReplyDelete

Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...