In the bustling city of New Delhi, the pResident is getting a tour while Michelle goes shopping...
[Obama] "So is your new deli kosher? Halal? Or can a guy get some pork there? I s'pose there won't be a whole lot of sacred cow being served there. I refuse to patronize an establishment that doesn't have wagyu beef on the menu. I guess that pretty much rules out me visiting your new deli. Oh well, your loss."
[tour guide] **eyeroll**
[Michelle, catching up the the pResident's entourage] "Baby, what do you think of this new sari I bought? Does it make my butt look big?"
[Obama] "No. Your butt makes your butt look big. The sari makes you look like a Hare Krishna trying to shoplift a water buffalo under his robe."
In a fit of rage, the first lady delivers a punishing uppercut that launches the pResident into a ballistic path that brings him down alone, far away, in the foothills of the Himalayas. From there, the pResident begins his long and demanding ascent, to find the wise and elusive Guru said to live in the region...
[Obama, wheezing and panting] "Greetings," [gasp] "O Great Guru!"
[Guru] "Welcome, young president."
[Obama] "Mind if I" [pant] "light up?" [pulls Virginia Slim from his personalized silver ciggy holder]
[Guru] "At this high elevation, it is not recommended."
pResident Obama takes a long drag off his delicate smoke. Hypoxia leads to a dizzying headrush. The pResident loses his balance and begins to tumble down the mountainside...
[Obama] "Owww!... Ooof!... Gaaah!... My shoe!... Yee-ouch!"
Gathering himself at the bottom of the mountain, the pResident finishes his smoke - which miraculously stayed 'tween his purple lips the whole way down. He musters his strength and renews his ascent...
[Obama] "O Great Guru, I seek the wisdom of the ages."
[Guru] "But first you will apolgize."
[Obama] "Yes. Of course. America sucks. We have been arrogant and imperialistic and downright mean."
[Guru] "No. I mean you. Personally. For many months you travel, speaking of sipping Slurpee like that is a bad thing. My nephew operate four 7-11 franchise in the US state of Oregon. He do good business selling the slurpee. Especially the wife of the blogger innominatus. My nephew make much profit from her! So my nephew burn incense to Ganesha, the great red elephant, causing your blue donkey to lose the election."
[Obama] "But the slurpee reference is just metaphoric, representing a distraction!"
[Guru] "Jumping Vishnu on a pogo stick! That is not an apology! तुम अपनी आंखों से बाहर रखा है, बच्चे करेंगे "
The guru raises his bare foot. He strikes the pResident in the forehead with his weatherbeaten sole, and the pResident tumbles down the mountainside...
[Obama] "Owww!... Ooof!... Gaaah!... My shoe!... Yee-ouch!"
Nearly exhausted, the pResident makes one last climb up the treacherous mountain way...
[Obama] "Guru, I sincerely apologize. I will make no more slurpee references, and I will punch Biden for making his dumb racist comments about all the convenience stores being owned by Indians."
[Guru] "Accepted. But remember ObaWon, you are not a jedi yet!"
[Obama, quizzical look] "What?"
[Guru] "Sorry. I've just always wanted to say that. So, what is your question?"
[Obama] "Guru, I don't understand why my message of hopenchange has fallen so flat, and why my agenda hasn't been better received."
[Guru] "Aahhhhh.... young pResident, consider the Bengal Tiger. Imagine a tiger in a zoo. He is well fed and well taken care of. What are your thoughts on this tiger?"
[Obama] "Just lay around all day and eat free food, while legions of admirers file by? Sounds great! Throw in an XBox and that'd be heaven on earth!"
[Guru] "Say, one day, that the tiger attacks his keeper and jumps the fence. He flees into the jungle where he must fight to survive."
[Obama] "Let me be clear, I'd say that cat acted stupidly."
[Guru] "But the tiger disagrees with you. He would rather risk going hungry and have freedom, than luxuriate in a prison."
[Obama] "Damn, that's a dumb cat."
[Guru] "This is the essence of your problem."
[Obama] "Now I'm totally lost. I thought my problem was poor messaging - that people don't understand how benevolent my leadership has been. Really, who among us isn't into getting free stuff from the government?"
[Guru] "No. Your problem is that the people know all too well your 'benevolence.' But they reject it."
[Obama] "Stupid racists!"
[Guru] "No, not that either. The people may value other things more than financial benefits. They may value family, or friends, or freedom, or any number of things more than they value getting goodies from the government."
[Obama, laughing] "OK, I've been told that they smoke some really good hash here. It is obvious that you've been hittin' it pretty hard. You're talking nonsense."
[Guru] "The tiger has acted in his own best interest. He values freedom above anything, even life. So for him, this is a good move. All individuals do all things in their own self-interest. Always. Even when a generous person chooses to give to a charity or makes some other sacrifice, it is because that person has determined that doing so will put his life closer to the ideal he aims for. He has acted in his own interest. That his actions have benefited others is merely a side effect. People may make decisions that actually INCREASE their own financial burden, if it results in an improvement in those other areas of life that they value more highly."
[Obama] "Whoa. That's deep, dude."
[Guru] "Remember that blue-faced guy in Braveheart? What was it he said?"
[Obama] "His most famous line is 'but first you will blo...' "
[Guru, interrupting] "No, not in real life. In the movie. At a pivotal moment he cried 'FREEDOM!' This he valued above all else. Many Americans are like the tiger. They value their freedom. They would rather NOT be the recipient of government benefits. They would rather shoulder their own load and face the associated risks than depend on their neighbors being taxed. Hence, they vote in ways that appear to people like you to be not in their own best interests. It is because you don't understand what they consider to really be their own best interests."
[Obama] "Stupid Americans. No wonder I've never understood them."