Thursday, May 6, 2010

Stinko de Mayo

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How Napoleon used to make me smile.

See, once upon a time the French actually weren't quiche-flinging surrender monkeys.  Hard to believe, I know.  But it is true.  They used to do cool things like dominate Europe and sell us great big pieces of land and give us neat statues.  They even helped us fight those awful Brits.  They were real manly men, despite bearing names like René and François.  Imagine for a sec how scary they'd have been if they marched through your countryside with names like Guido or Thor.  That's a fight you just wouldn't want to have.

But then a sad thing happened.  Beef Wellington and some other guys defeated the French and some stupid Scandis wrote a pop song about it.  The once proud nation of France began a descent towards Vichytude.  It didn't happen overnight.  They retained a measure of coolness for some time afterwards. Back in the 1860s, as we were fighting the good fight to abolish slavery, the Mexicans decided to do what Mexicans do best - screw people out of goods and services.  They reneged on some loan payments they owed France.  Modern Frenchmen would call a session of the European Parliament and arrange to give Greece I mean Mexico more money.  But the Frenchies of the day said no-uh-uh to that and invaded. 

Yes.  As recently as 150 years ago the French could muster a force, sail around the world, and invade.  Much to their later chagrin, though, the French landed in the Mexican region of Puebla.  Students of Spanish language already know that the '-a' suffix at the end of a noun means "gay" but now non-students know it as well.  The Spanish word "Pueblo" means "village" but the trailing 'a' suffix causes it to mean "gay village" which is actually where the YMCA song came from.  One might think that a word that sounds like poo-eh-blow would be gay by itself, but a linguist would call that a "false cognate."  English speakers are frequently frustrated by this.  Remember to change the last vowel to 'a' whenever gayness is suspected.

Anyway, it didn't take long for the gayness of Puebla to spread like cooties through the French ranks.  Soon they were unable to fight and were defeated by Mexican forces.  Mexicans in the Puebla regions as well as Mexicans in America celebrate this day like it is somehow a big deal to beat some gay Frenchmen.  Most of Mexico does not embrace this holiday.  Probably has something to do with the gayness of the whole scene.  I don't blame them.

In summary, most of the world's evils come down to lazy Mexicans not paying their bills.  If they'd have kept up to their obligations, the French would still be kicking butt.  They would have stopped Hitler in his tracks.  "Troubled" French immigrant youngsters would never be able to get away with setting cars on fire in the Paris suburbs. And kids in America would not be getting in trouble for wearing American flags on their shirts.

15 comments:

  1. You are a genius and you have been totally linked.

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  2. ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

    Attention commenters: what you see in the previous comment is what makes Red cooler than the rest of you. :)

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  3. Well done! And I agree, you have very cool friendz.

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  4. Yep; I love your blog because you are so dang humble.

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  5. You forgot the part where el pResidente Cero renamed it Cinco de Quatro, but otherwise this was a fine tale.

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  6. Ve had to surrender! Ze Mexicans were being very very mean to us!

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  7. I am in awe of your considerable skillz sir! You linked the French, Hitler, Mexico, Napoleon, Abba, the Village People, and teh gay in one post.

    That has to be some sort of record.

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  8. So, I find out my inamorata was/is teh geh?

    ouch.
    .

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  9. "Remember to change the last vowel to 'a' whenever gayness is suspected."
    Let's see, "Obama", oh, it's already there. Well that's not that surprising now is it?

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  10. So is it "Stinko de Maya"? So we could give the Mexican GovernmentA a bill for what it costs us to support their citizens here ... Right? Or are the DemocrapAs against it?

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  11. Zee Fronch, zay 'ave zee cooties?!?! Sacre Bleu!

    No wonder the youth are "troubled."

    This is priceless!

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  12. Lightning has struck once again. My dimbulb has been immensely brightened by your brilliant literary skills and your always-present unique slant on a story.

    I thought I was starting to read a Don McLean song too...

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  13. Great post. I learned something today.

    Your blog is edumakational!

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  14. Bravo to the Innominato! Notice the "non-gay" and very masculine "O" at the end.

    I knowed u was smarts, but had know eyeda that you knowed history so good.

    Eye am in awww of ewe!

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Family-friendly phrasing heartily encouraged.

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