Stinko de Mayo

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How Napoleon used to make me smile.

See, once upon a time the French actually weren't quiche-flinging surrender monkeys.  Hard to believe, I know.  But it is true.  They used to do cool things like dominate Europe and sell us great big pieces of land and give us neat statues.  They even helped us fight those awful Brits.  They were real manly men, despite bearing names like René and François.  Imagine for a sec how scary they'd have been if they marched through your countryside with names like Guido or Thor.  That's a fight you just wouldn't want to have.

But then a sad thing happened.  Beef Wellington and some other guys defeated the French and some stupid Scandis wrote a pop song about it.  The once proud nation of France began a descent towards Vichytude.  It didn't happen overnight.  They retained a measure of coolness for some time afterwards. Back in the 1860s, as we were fighting the good fight to abolish slavery, the Mexicans decided to do what Mexicans do best - screw people out of goods and services.  They reneged on some loan payments they owed France.  Modern Frenchmen would call a session of the European Parliament and arrange to give Greece I mean Mexico more money.  But the Frenchies of the day said no-uh-uh to that and invaded. 

Yes.  As recently as 150 years ago the French could muster a force, sail around the world, and invade.  Much to their later chagrin, though, the French landed in the Mexican region of Puebla.  Students of Spanish language already know that the '-a' suffix at the end of a noun means "gay" but now non-students know it as well.  The Spanish word "Pueblo" means "village" but the trailing 'a' suffix causes it to mean "gay village" which is actually where the YMCA song came from.  One might think that a word that sounds like poo-eh-blow would be gay by itself, but a linguist would call that a "false cognate."  English speakers are frequently frustrated by this.  Remember to change the last vowel to 'a' whenever gayness is suspected.

Anyway, it didn't take long for the gayness of Puebla to spread like cooties through the French ranks.  Soon they were unable to fight and were defeated by Mexican forces.  Mexicans in the Puebla regions as well as Mexicans in America celebrate this day like it is somehow a big deal to beat some gay Frenchmen.  Most of Mexico does not embrace this holiday.  Probably has something to do with the gayness of the whole scene.  I don't blame them.

In summary, most of the world's evils come down to lazy Mexicans not paying their bills.  If they'd have kept up to their obligations, the French would still be kicking butt.  They would have stopped Hitler in his tracks.  "Troubled" French immigrant youngsters would never be able to get away with setting cars on fire in the Paris suburbs. And kids in America would not be getting in trouble for wearing American flags on their shirts.