First of all, Kim, do you ever leave the house without those "Sorry, I just got my eyes dilated by the ophthalmologist so I gotta wear these" high-fashion shades? Is the sun that much brighter in the Worker's Utopia? And Kim, wherefore art thy potbelly? You used to have a certain annoying cuteness, like a little ceramic buddha. Now you're all sucked up like you've been living on meth and Red Bull. Your flabby neck(s) make Nancy Pelosi look like a cover girl for "Cosmetic Surgery Success Stories" magazine. Have a cheeseburger or two, please.
Yo, Kim posse! What the heck have you done to earn all those decorations on your uniforms? Other than a few of you getting shredded by that Israeli strike on the Syrian reactor complex last year (and you weren't supposed to even be there), when was the last time any of you saw real combat? 1953? C'mon! Cloistered nuns see more action than any of you jokers. Quit pretending you're so cool. And I'd be truly remiss if I didn't take a dig at those hats. Holy craparoni! How many channels of DirecTV can you pick up with those? When some sarcastic blogger can realistically compare you to Guinan, it's time for a new look.
The 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays, and I was a little bit disappointed that Obama uninvited the Iranians to his little shindig. I've seen that vid of Obama bowling. Between Obama and Biden, it was just about gare-unn-teed that during the picnic one of them would let fly with an errant lawn dart. I'd love to see Gibbs spin that one: "Jake, the errant lawn dart that struck the Ayatollah at the base of his skull and paralyzed him, is, well, as you know, umm, President Obama has nothing but love and admiration for the mullahs, so it must have been the Mossad or something." Thankfully Li'l Kim stepped up and promised to make my holiday special by testing another missile that day. Aimed at Hawaii. This will cause my heart to swell with patriotic pride, because Obama assured me that regarding Nork missiles, all the t's were crossed and all the i's were dotted. I'd rather that the Tomahawks were armed and the nork launch sites were burning but I'm kind of funny that way.
So Li'l Kimchee says if we try anything against him there will be a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation." Well, you know, it's getting near 4th of July. All the vendors are setting up their tents to sell wimpy little fireworks. They all have poorly translated names like "Lotus Flower in Springtimes Sparkle Fountain." When you light them, they go thhhhhhh and smoke for a few seconds and then the little kids clap. Yay. Kim, your fire shower of nuclear retaliation sounds just like one of those gimpy fireworks. I fully expect to stroll the fireworks booth and find "North Korean fire shower of nuclear retaliation" in the discount aisle. Do not hold in hand. Place on ground, light fuse and get away. Use only under adult supervision. Then curse under your breath at being ripped off again by a cool sounding firework that goes thhhhhh for a few seconds and smokes a little." Kim, nobody is frightened by your antics. Well, except Obama. He's pretty freaked right about now. But then again, the hissing sound of Michelle uncapping another diet Mr. Pibb is enough to make Barry dive for cover. He's the only one that's spooked by you, Kim. The rest of us are laughing our ample fannies off at you. And our fannies are ample because even with Obama in charge, our country isn't so pathetic that the populace is starving while you sit and watch your decadent imperialist DVD collection.