Barry Crucial Strategy Session

Obama cabinet meeting. Secretaries, directors, advisers and czars present. VP Biden conspicuously absent. President Obama likewise conspicuously absent.

[SecHS Napolitano] "I hope Obama hurries up! I rented a compressor and a pneumatic die-grinder to finally deal with that corn on my left foot. If I don't return it by 3:00 I have to pay for a second day!"

[Axelrod] "Ugh. That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard! Wait... The second most. The worst was that time I put castor oil in Biden's iced tea... I didn't think human guts could sound like that."

[Napolitano] "Wake me up if he decides to show up" [rests head on DHS notebook, small pool of drool begins to form at the corner of her mouth]

[Obama, entering. With a noticeable limp] "Sorry I'm late, guys."

[Rahm Emanuel] "Sire, what harm has befallen you? Shall I summon the doctors?"

[Obama] "Nah, I'll be fine. Michelle insisted on modeling for me. You know, all the overpriced crap she bought in Paris last week. She was wearing this ridiculous dress that made it look like she was wearing a giant pack of tropical-fruit Lifesavers. I wasn't sufficiently complimentary of her appearance, so she kicked me in the shin with those stupid $600 sneakers. I think she cracked my fibula."

[Rahm E.] "Egads! We must get you to the hospital!"

[Obama] "No, really. I tried fibbing. I can still fib fine, even with a damaged fibula."

[Axelrod, facepalm gesture]

[Obama] "Let's start with international issues. I've been flying around the world lately, and I haven't really kept up with the news, so fill me in. North Korea?"

[SecState Clinton] "I've taken this to the UN. They've agreed that something must be done. It has been decided that there shall be inspections of cargo craft entering and leaving North Korean waters. Food, medicine, that kind of stuff can proceed unhindered, but anything that might have military use will be interdicted."

[Obama] "Geez. That sounds kind of hawkish and harsh."

[Clinton] "The inspections are strictly voluntary. If the craft declines to participate, it is free to continue its trip."

[Obama] "Whew! You had me scared there for a sec! And all those right-wingers say the UN is useless! Hah! They can really accomplish things when the set their minds to it!"

[Clinton] "That bumbling fool Booooosh never acted this decisively against the Norks because he was always afraid, like a little girl, of upsetting the Chinese. He was worried that they'd dump their holdings of US debt, which would clobber the value of our dollar. But I'll let Tim take you through that part later."

[Napolitano, mumbling in her sleep] "Whaddya mean? Dere's no sush thing as too much guacamole."

[Obama] "Somebody wake her up."

[Rahm E. takes large book from shelf, slams it on the table next to Napolitano]

[Napolitano, jerking to alertness] "Is anybody else hungry? I could really go for a really big burrito with tons of guac right about now. Doesn't that sound yummy? Oh, and my foot hurts. Wanna see my corn?"

[SecTreas Geithner] "Ick. I might never be hungry again."

[Obama] "What progress have you made with the Gitmo detainees?"

[Napolitano] "Secretary Clinton and I have arranged for 4 of the Uighurs to be transported to Bermuda."

[Obama] "Won't that bother the Brits? I think they have some kind of arrangement with Bermuda or something."

[Clinton] "Yes. We intentionally avoided telling them until it was too late for them to do much about it. They're hopping mad. [Bad cockney accent] "Indeed, bloody pissed, I'd say"

[Obama] "Perfect! Hey, England!" [arabic accent] "In the name of the prophet, I issue a fartwa in your general direction!"

[collective laughter from all assembled]

[Obama, still chuckling] "OK, let's stay on task. What's the news on the economy? Timbo, what was Hill' talking about?"


[Geithner] "I've prepared a chart. This blue line illustrates the percent change in our money supply. Note the drastic upward spike since you took office."

[Obama] "Oooh! A hockey stick graph! I love those! So this means we have a LOT more money now?"

[Geithner] "Exactly. We're all rich. Additionally, these actions have significantly devalued the dollar. This has a number of benefits - among them making imported petroleum a lot more expensive, so more people will want to buy those silly little cars we're making GM and Chrysler produce. Also, it acts as a hedge against China dumping their debt holdings. Though they hold many, many billions of dollars worth of our debt, you have done so much deficit spending that a dump from China would be barely noticeable. It'd be like one drop of debt in a giant, GIANT ocean of debt. Your predecessor did a lot of deficit spending, too, but not nearly enough to so thoroughly insulate us from any pressure the Chinese might try to exert on our dollar. Once again, you make Booooosh look like an amateur."

[Obama] "Yeah, baby! And you ain't seen nuthin' yet!"

[Obama, continuing] "Which brings us around to the big topic of the day. Biden. His gaffes are getting out of control. I'm really starting to think it is time for Joe to fall on the sword and go away."

[Axelrod, excitedly] "I'll help!!!"

[Obama] "You may recall that during the election season, we reduced our short list of potential veeps to Biden, Evan Bayh," [nods toward Hillary] "and Madam Secretary. I think we need to give ol' Ev a call."

[Axelrod] "OK, that sounds good at first glance. But he's a Senator. If we call him up to the big leagues now, there'll soon be a special election to replace him. Middle America is being weird. Ya know, kinda burned out on the whole Hopenchange thing. Dunno if another dem would win in Indiana right now. That could really screw up the filibuster-proof majority you enjoy right now. It'd really suck to have to nominate sane and sensible Supreme Court justices just because we lacked the votes to break a filibuster."

[Obama] "Good point. Hmmm. Now I'm not sure what to do."

[Hillary, sitting up very straight, smiling sweetly (well, "sweetly" as a Hillary smile goes. Still around a pH of 1.3)] "Umm, Mr. President? Ooops, I mean Your Highness? I kinda think I know somebody who might just be a little interested in taking over for Joe. And she was on your short list."

[Obama] "Really? You're still interested, even after all the abuse I heaped on you during the primaries?"

[Clinton] "Oh, yes! It's a miracle how you were the first politician ever to rise through the ranks of Chicago Machine politics without being the least bit tainted by scandal. It's also a miracle that you're a cigarette-smoking, high-cholesterol cheeseburger-eating African-American with a very high-stress job who isn't the least bit tainted by heart disease. So of course I'd like to be one heartbeat away from the Presidency!"

[Obama] "Ummm. Nevermind." [Pushes intercom button] "Send in Joe."

[Biden, entering] "Hey, guys! [Looks towards Rahm E.] "Yo, twinkletoes! I'm suprised you haven't gone all IDF Krav-Maga on Reverend Wright about his Jew comments from the other day."

[Rahm E.] "You dolt, I'll have you know that the Reverend's words were carefully chosen by none other than myself."

[Obama] "Yes. After my speech in Cairo many of my Jewish friends were concerned that I'm too partial to the mooselimbs in my Middle East policies. So we sent the Reverend out to reinforce the notion that I am actually a puppet of powerful Jews. My Jewish friends feel a lot better now."

[Biden] "Normally, as you all know well, I am the smartest man in any given room. But you guys got me on that one!"

[Obama] "You mention your intelligence, which brings us around to the subject at hand. Your gaffes, or "verbal flatulence" as I like to call them, are becoming unbearable. The other day, when discussing the Amtrak tunnel, you said it was for automobile use. Allow me to take a moment to remind you that the Amtrak you like to ride is" [edge to his voice] "actually a train."

[Biden, hesitantly] "Ummm, uhhh. That quote was taken out of context. Umm, yeah, they won't let me drive the train, so I have to ride in one of the CARS in the back. Way, way in the back, most of the time. I was talking about TRAIN CARS. Yeah, that's it. Don't let all those awful right-wingers like the Sierra Club deceive you when they mangle one of my quotes."

[Obama] "Well done. You backtrack and deflect like a real professional!"

[Biden, slightly relieved] "Uhh, thanks, I think."

[Obama] "What about your claim the other day? You were asked about whether my stimulus had actually saved and/or created 600,000 jobs. You said the methodology in calculating that figure was 'above your pay grade.' Are you the Stimulus Sheriff or are you not?"

[Biden, defensively] "Well, it IS above my pay grade! I only make $227,300 a year. That's chump-change around here! Heck, people like Jack Murtha and Dianne Fineswine get more than that from crooked lobbyists in a single day!"

[Obama] "Joe, I'm impressed! That was a masterful use of distraction - taking the focus off yourself and directing it at others. You handled that exactly the way I blame everything on Booooosh. Nicely done. I apologize, on behalf of all America, for our national arrogance and for suggesting that you might be gaffe-prone. Carry On!"

[Biden] "Sir! Yes, Sir!"

[Axelrod, under his breath] "Dang!"