Saturday, July 30, 2011

Friday, July 29, 2011

atheist humor

A hard-core atheist boards an airliner.  A young girl takes the seat next to his.  The atheist says "You know, these long flights seem to go a lot quicker then there is some good conversation.  Would you like to talk with me?"

The girl answers "Sure.  What do you want to talk about?"

The atheist says "I want to talk about how there is no god, there is no heaven, there is no hell, and there is no afterlife."

"OK, those could be interesting topics" says the little girl, "but first, can I ask you a question?"

The atheist nods.

"Alright, a deer, a cow and a horse all eat the same thing: grass.  Why is it, then, that the deer poops little pellets, the cow poops runny plops, and the horse poops big clumps?"

Intrigued by the girl's obvious intelligence, the atheist pauses for a moment and says "I really don't know."

To which the little girl responds, "Are you really sure you're qualified to discuss such deep topics as the existence of God and life-after-death, just moments after publicly demonstrating that you really Don't... Know... Crap...??"

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Beltran a Giant

In the comments from the previous post, Manhattan Infidel jostled me awake with an interesting question.  Interesting in that it has nothing to do with how to make bail at 2:00am or how to get a date with Jessica Simpson.  He asked about what I thought of Beltran going to the Giants.

Lessee here...  First off, my interest in baseball waxes and wanes with the success of the Giants.  In other words, I paid next to no attention for A LONG TIME.  Then about halfway through last season it started looking like they might make the postseason and my interest perked back up.  Then this year they are doing well again.  Leading the NL West.  So I'm still kinda paying attention.  But not to other teams so much.  Especially the NY Mess.  What I know about Beltran is that he's been dinged up the last few seasons but has a reputation for being a reliable RBI guy.

That's something the G-men can use.  Their batting order doesn't exactly inspire a lot of fear.  Even less so with Posey out.  Winning games seems to be all pitching and some timely slap hit from some nobody at the bottom of the order.  Doesn't seem like enough to make it deep into the postseason.  Nobody on the team is even double-digits in homers yet.  Ick.  Hopefully Beltran can be productive with not much else around him.

And Matt, sorry about that bogus call against you Bucs.  In the order of things I despise, it goes: coconut, Obama, Atlanta Braves, black licorice.  So I feel your pain.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Defeat to Victory to Defeat to Victory

Alllllrright...  The water pump in my car has been leaking for a while.  It's been leaking out of the little seephole that indicates the internal seal is failed.  That means the bearings are getting wet.  I knew the day would come...  The last few days it has been squealing like a banshee that just accidentally saw Barney Frank undressed.  So today, my weekend project was to swap out the water pump.

Water Pump.  Simple 'nuff.  Take off the belt, undo a couple bolts, no biggie, eh?  Well on a stupid frontwheel drive Japmobile it is a different story.  Had to take off the power steering pump and AC compressor just to SEE THE STUPID pump.  Then, in a bold example of revenge, the engineer who must still hold a grudge about losing WWII designed this thing decided that there should only be about an inch of clearance to the wheelwell.  Tricky but do-able, right?  OK, how about putting 3 of the 5 bolts BEHIND THE TIMING COVER!  So now the nasty plastic timing cover has to come off.  Seems simple, right?  No!  Some of the bolts that hold the timing cover on are BEHIND THE MAIN CRANK PULLEY.  There is no way in any 3-dimensional universe to get the timing cover off without ACTUALLY PULLING THE ENGINE.  Or destroying part of the plastic timing cover.  I opted for destroying part of the plastic cover with tin snips and some pliers.  I get 4 of the 5 bolts out when I realize the the fifth is BEHIND THE TIMING BELT TENSIONER.  So all of a sudden I am carless.  Plus, I dropped a socket down into an unreachable in what's left of the timing cover, so I couldn't even screw it all back together and hope it would run for a couple more days. 

My crap job is about 8 miles away.  My real job is about 3.  That's a lot of walking.

So.  Wife and I prayed about it.  Didn't know what to do.  Discussed going carless for the weekend and trying to fix it ourselves and/or haul it to a shop on Monday.  Discussed buying another car which we don't have the money for so that was a brief discussion.  Looked on a website for a local used car guy I've done some business with years ago.

Used Car Guy's store was going to close in 20 minutes.  We couldn't walk there fast enough.  We told him that 6 hours ago we weren't even in the market for another car and we don't have much money.  Used Car Guy dropped what he was doing and hurried over and picked us up at our house.  Used Car Guy's wife is receiving an award tonight for her work with Operation Homefront so we didn't have a lot of time.  Used Car Guy just says "Here's the keys to a 2002 Malibu.  Come back early next week and we'll try to get you in a car."  Zero dollars exchanged hands.  Just some ink on some paper and keys in my hand.

So I want to thank God for pulling me out of a major jam and thank Al Hutchinson the Used Car Guy for being so cool about this whole situation.  Nonbelievers may chalk this up to good karma or something if you prefer, but it really was a miracle.

But wait!  After we pushed the dead car a little further up the driveway, umm, "where are the keys to the new car?"  "Dunno you just had 'em a second ago."

Crud.

Oh!  Here they are, mixed in with the dead parts of the dead car!  Phew!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Is this REALLY our SecState?

Dunno how many of you go to Drudge or how often.  I check it about twice a day.  I don't think he's all that conservative.  In fact, for some reason I don't quite trust him.  He's like Dick Morris if Dick Morris knew how to use HTML.  But he has good info and seems to full-on HATE the Clintons.  Which I am entirely cool with.  In fact, ol' Matt seems to find the worst possible pics of them to put on his site.  Below the fold you'll see what I mean... and don't click unless you've had your dramamine.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Barry intense gaming session

Alone in the White House Map Room, the pResident sits at a table arrayed with fantasy gaming figurines.

[Obama, 'walking' a figure across the table with his hand, in "elfie" voice] "Once upon a time Barack the Half-Drow-Elven Warrior/Druid was peacefully exploring the forest.  'Look! A birdie!' said Barack.  Suddenly, he was set upon by his arch-nemesis: BaneWhore, the Demi-Lich of Ohio."

The pResident picks up a monster figurine which is extremely ugly.

[Obama, in a gravelly bass voice, 'animating' the monster figure with his hand] "I am John the BaneWhore, Scourge of the House.  I am the Ruler of this Realm now!"

[animating original elf figure] "My name is Barack Obama.  You killed my spending bills.  Prepare to die!"

[Obama, normal voice] "OK, let's roll for initiative." [rolls a d6] "Dang.  BaneWhore got a six." [rolls again] "Dang, Barack got a 1.  BaneWhore gets to attack first."

[Obama, in monster voice] "Bwaahaahaa!  I strike thee with mine +4 Nozzle of Douche!" [rolls d20] "S***! A 18!" [rolls d12 for damage] "Gack!  A 10!  Which is actually a 14 now!"

[Obama, in elfie voice] "BaneWhore, you may have just smote me for half my Election Points, but you have no match for my 19 Charisma!  I cast a Charm Monster spell.  Soon you will be under my sway!"

[Normal voice] "Let's see BaneWhore deal with that!  He has to roll a Natural 20 or succumb to my every command!" [rolls d20] "Crap!  A 20!  Are you even serious?" [Looks closely at d20 then throws it across the room]

Obama's Chief of Staff enters.

[Guy who took over for Rahm but nobody can remember his name] "Sir, what are you doing?"

[Obama, startled] "Oh! Uhh, just wargaming some scenarios for dealing with the Republican obstructionism in this Debt Ceiling debate.  This is getting down to crunch time and I need a solid strategy."

[GWTOFRBNCRHN] "Just wanted to go over today's schedule with you."

[Obama] "Anything that will conflict with my tee time?"

[GWTOFRBNCRHN] "Let's see...  Nope.  Just some fundraisers and a hush-hush meeting with the Dalai Lama."

[Obama] "Good"

[Obama, in elfie voice] "I told you, BaneWhore, that I would win" [raises elf figure and smashes it down on monster figure, breaking monster's leg]

[monster voice] "I have received a grievous injury.  I must flee, lest I be utterly destroyed."

[elfie voice, holding figure aloft] "I won!  People like me again!"

[GWTOFRBNCRHN, on his cell phone] "Hey, Spokesman Carney!  Yeah, umm.  At the next press conference, make sure the reporters don't push too hard.  Make sure they are polite and there is only still photography.  Yeah, he's losing it.  I'll up his meds and you keep the press away from him for a while."

Monday, July 18, 2011

**URGENT: Deadly outbreak of SaRDS

Dateline: Bethesda, MD
INN field agent Wii Hung Lo reporting

Dr. James Flake
At a joint press conference held at Bethesda Naval Hospital, Dr. James Flake from the CDC in Atlanta has announced a very deadly new disease he calls "Sudden Random Death Syndrome" or SaRDS.

"SaRDS," says Dr. Flake, "seems to disproportionately affect the elderly, drunk rednecks, and terrorists.  However, nobody is immune.  Even healthy young people have been struck by this fearsome disease.  Like the pedestrian that got run over by Cash Cab in Vancouver the other day.  This is devastating.  SaRDS will cause WAYYYY more deaths than global warming, yet I have only the most meager budget to combat it.  Hint-hint."

Fateful picture of drunk redneck playing with Molotov Cocktail,
immediately prior to dramatic onset of SaRDS
Dr. Flake continues. "I have just become aware of a 96 year old lady in Hoboken who only left her cat-infested apartment to buy genoa salami and unfiltered Camels.  She pretty much lived on salami and smokes.  She dropped dead of SaRDS which tells me that it is dangerously contagious.  If someone who scarcely ever leaves her apartment can be exposed, then we are all vulnerable."

Taliban fighters dying of 30mm cannon fire and SaRDS,
but mostly SaRDS
"Further, we can not rule out an attack by extraterrestrials.  Consider this harrowing report I received from Lester McClintock of Enid, Oklahoma:

I lost my best buddy to SaRDS
"My buddy Cletus was way behind in his trucking business, and he was taking another load of steer to the stockyard.  Wait.  Let's back up a second.  Cletus had been up for 8 straight days on a meth binge and not thinking real straight.  Man, could Cletus do some meth, shoowee!  He could do enough crank to give that Great White Whale, aw, what's that name again?" "Rosie O'Donnell?" I suggested.  "Naw, naw." He replied "Mo, mobama, naw, Moby Dick.  Yeah, that's it!  Anyway, he could do enough meth to give Moby Dick an infarction.  So he calls me up on that CB radio he has, and tells me that he's being attacked by invisible rabid Shmoos with hypodermic needles for fangs.  Next thing ya know, he's run his truck into a railroad trestle and it flat killed him dead.  I mean really flat.  The DOT guy estimated from all the steer s**t splattered on the cab that the truck was going 94mph.  I had no idea his old Peterbilt could go that fast.  Think I'm gonna try to salvage the motor."

Dr. Flake interrupts at this point, "See?  We might even be facing an invasion of Shmoos from outer space.  SaRDS is unlike any other threat we have faced.  I need a LOT more grant money if I am ever to come up with a vaccine for SaRDS."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

New Antisocial Networking Site!!

Some of my blog buddies are getting pretty jazzed about Google+.  I haven't tried it yet.  Prolly won't.  Instead, I've been spending my time at another new site.  Below you can get a taste of how it works.

Of course this is click-biggable

**UPDATE: Linked by MaxRedline.  Thanks!

LinkWithin

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