**URGENT: Deadly outbreak of SaRDS

Dateline: Bethesda, MD
INN field agent Wii Hung Lo reporting

Dr. James Flake

At a joint press conference held at Bethesda Naval Hospital, Dr. James Flake from the CDC in Atlanta has announced a very deadly new disease he calls "Sudden Random Death Syndrome" or SaRDS.

"SaRDS," says Dr. Flake, "seems to disproportionately affect the elderly, drunk rednecks, and terrorists.  However, nobody is immune.  Even healthy young people have been struck by this fearsome disease.  Like the pedestrian that got run over by Cash Cab in Vancouver the other day.  This is devastating.  SaRDS will cause WAYYYY more deaths than global warming, yet I have only the most meager budget to combat it.  Hint-hint."

Fateful picture of drunk redneck playing with Molotov Cocktail,
immediately prior to dramatic onset of SaRDS

Dr. Flake continues. "I have just become aware of a 96 year old lady in Hoboken who only left her cat-infested apartment to buy genoa salami and unfiltered Camels.  She pretty much lived on salami and smokes.  She dropped dead of SaRDS which tells me that it is dangerously contagious.  If someone who scarcely ever leaves her apartment can be exposed, then we are all vulnerable."

Taliban fighters dying of 30mm cannon fire and SaRDS,
but mostly SaRDS

"Further, we can not rule out an attack by extraterrestrials.  Consider this harrowing report I received from Lester McClintock of Enid, Oklahoma:

I lost my best buddy to SaRDS

"My buddy Cletus was way behind in his trucking business, and he was taking another load of steer to the stockyard.  Wait.  Let's back up a second.  Cletus had been up for 8 straight days on a meth binge and not thinking real straight.  Man, could Cletus do some meth, shoowee!  He could do enough crank to give that Great White Whale, aw, what's that name again?" "Rosie O'Donnell?" I suggested.  "Naw, naw." He replied "Mo, mobama, naw, Moby Dick.  Yeah, that's it!  Anyway, he could do enough meth to give Moby Dick an infarction.  So he calls me up on that CB radio he has, and tells me that he's being attacked by invisible rabid Shmoos with hypodermic needles for fangs.  Next thing ya know, he's run his truck into a railroad trestle and it flat killed him dead.  I mean really flat.  The DOT guy estimated from all the steer s**t splattered on the cab that the truck was going 94mph.  I had no idea his old Peterbilt could go that fast.  Think I'm gonna try to salvage the motor."

Dr. Flake interrupts at this point, "See?  We might even be facing an invasion of Shmoos from outer space.  SaRDS is unlike any other threat we have faced.  I need a LOT more grant money if I am ever to come up with a vaccine for SaRDS."