Monday, August 31, 2009
[Rahm] "Sire, I've booked an interview with Jimmie Johnson. He's very popular with the racists in flyover land."
[Obama] "Great! When is it?"
[Rahm] "In about 30 seconds. That's why I came to get you!"
President Obama heads outside to find 2008 NASCAR Sprint Cup Champion Jimmie Johnson standing alongside his gleaming race car being photographed.
[Obama] "Uhh, Mr. Johnson, it's um, nice to meet you. The Cowboys just haven't been the same without you at the helm. What's with the Indy car?"
[Johnson, both awestruck at meeting the President, and dumbstruck by the President's dumbness] "Mr. President, I, uh, you're thinkin' of that other guy - the one with the perfect hair. I race in the NASCAR Sprint Cup series. And, um, Indy cars are the ones that don't have fenders and are driven by women and guys with for'ner name like Mario."
[Obama, hopelessly confused] "Ah, I see. Tell me about your car."
[Johnson] "This is the NASCAR Car of Tomorrow that I drove to the championship last year."
[Obama, getting more confused] "If it is tomorrow's car, and you drove it last year, and right now is 'today' then this must be like the DeLorean in that movie. I thought that was all just Hollywood. Wow."
[Johnson, chuckling, thinking Obama is trying to be funny] "No, sir. The Car of Tomorrow is a piece of crap that nobody likes driving."
[Obama] "But you, like, won with a crappy car?"
[Johnson] "It's crappy 'cuz now all the cars are the same. Everybody pretty much has the same car but with different graphics and stripes and stuff. The cars are so identical that it really comes down to luck. It was better when the best drivers and the best teams could excel on their own."
[Obama] "Hey, I'm starting to like the sound of this. They put in rules to even the playing field? This is cool! I don't like all the competition. I like when everybody does about the same whether they're any good or not. Why do you like the competition so much?"
[Johnson] "Don't you just love it when you're in the gym and you dunk over that other guy? Don't you love that feeling?"
[Obama] "Sadly, my rhetoric soars much higher than my leaps. I can't dunk. My vert is about as high as an IHOP short stack."
[Johnson] "OK, ok. How about when you do a wicked crossover and drive right past him?"
[Obama] "Umm, no. Every time I try that the ball hits my foot and rolls out-of-bounds."
[Johnson] "Alright. I think I get it. You're one of the guys that sucks so you want to bring everybody down to your level."
[Obama] "Pretty much. But enough about all that. How fast can your car go?"
[Johnson] "We're not really sure. On the tracks where we should be able to go really fast, they make us use these stupid restrictor lates that really cut down our horsepower. They say it's for safety or something, but I think they just like us all to go the same speed in one big crowd where nobody can really pull out to a big lead."
[Obama] "Dang! I think I have a new favorite sport! That's what I want to do with cap-and-trade! We're so far out in front of the other countries that it isn't really fair. I want to correct that inequality. And I say it's for the good of the environment, kind of like how NASCAR says the plates are for safety."
[Johnson] "Yeah, they say they want to save the drivers from danger, except the safety is worse 'cuz now we're always in one big pack so when there's a wreck it involves a lot more cars."
[Obama] "Cool. My plan isn't about saving the planet, either. That's just how I sell it. But when I wreck the economy, it'll involve a lot of cars, too! And some factories! Probably restaurants, even! I can't believe how much we have in common!"
[Johnson, stifling his disgust] "This fire suit is REALLY uncomfortable. I gotta go." [leaves hastily]
Later that day at a staff meeting...
[Rahm] "Sire, in light of the recent political setbacks, we think we should make an effort to redefine the issues. A rebranding, so to speak."
[Obama] "Agreed. What ideas have you come up with so far?"
[Rahm, holding up stuffed toy] "We have to remove people's fears of socialized medicine. Behold, Teddy, the TeddyCare Teddy Bear! For the sake of realism, he smells vaguely of alcohol. He is our new mascot and will be shown to every public school student in a movie series. They can then influence their parents, as we've done with the polar bears of hyped-up imaginary global warming."
[Obama] "I like it. But try this one on: Care of Tomorrow!" [elbows in air, manic grin, making exaggerated gestures of steering a race car] "It'll sell well in flyover land." [Turns head as if watching a car speed by] "Vrrroooooom"
[Rahm] "Sire! This is genius!"
[Obama, excitedly] "We're gonna put restrictor plates on healthcare expenses!!!"
[Rahm] "OMG, this is soooo going to work!"
[Obama, caught in the moment] "Yeah! And we'll have TV ads. We'll have a bunch of NASCAR cars decorated with my face and my big O campaign logo and the words 'Care of Tomorrow' on the car where the sponsor stickers usually go! Yes! And you know that low-angle camera shot where a pack of cars speeds by real close and all you hear is 'v-v-v-vvr-vrooom'? We'll dub that over so it sounds like 'f-f-f-frr-freeee!!!!' "
[Rahm] "The beerbellied nosepickers with the trucker hats and bad farmer tans and the Earnhardt stickers on their pickups will swallow it whole! We'll socialize healthcare AND add to our congressional majorities! Yes We Can! Yes We Can!"
Saturday, August 29, 2009
My toothache seems to be going away.
I've eaten WAY too many goldfish crackers today. Probably 'cuz it doesn't hurt so much to do so.
Good thing my wife isn't very tall. If she ever saw all the grody funky dusty build-up on top of the refrigerator, I'd be a toast. OK, not toast, but forced to scrub the top of the 'fridge instead of penning drivel like this. That would be tragic.
As seen in the "Frank J. tweets" section of IMAO: "I missed the funeral. Were they able to roll him back into the ocean, or did they have to use dynamite?"
Which brings us to this:
Friday, August 28, 2009
Leading proponents of BarryCare have begun to rethink their position. Diane Watson and Henry Waxman have heard from their constituents at town hall meetings, and received guidance from the CBO that BarryCare would balloon the deficit - but steadfastly pushed forward with their vision for healthcare reform. That was until the fine print of the bill became available, and it was learned that having nostrils big enough to smuggle weapons in is considered a pre-existing condition and they would not be eligible for free rhinoplasty. "Congressman Waxman plans on holding his seat for many, many more years" says his spokesperson, "and we owe it to our constituents to make looking at him as tolerable as possible. No private-practice plastic surgeon would tackle that kind of job for less than a 7-figure payment, which the congressman can in no way raise on his meager government salary. We were really banking on BarryCare, but now find ourselves back at square one. Thus we can not endorse the bill in its current form."
Ms. Watson felt similarly, saying "It is not my fault that my nostrils are big enough to affect the high tide." When it was pointed out to Ms. Watson that her nostrils were a void, and that any tidal effect would actually be more attributable to that ponderous honeydew melon of a chin she has, her only response was "Raaaaaaaaacist!"
Addendum from the science editor:
Ms. Watson and Mr. Waxman must never be allowed to have a child together. Just for fun, I ran some sims on our supercomputer and made an alarming discovery: The offspring of these two would have a skull like an infinite double-barreld klein bottle that would cause space-time to fold inward on itself. It would be worse than crossing the streams. To assure the safety of mankind, I recommend that both Ms. Watson and Mr. Waxman be kept a minimum of 500 miles away from each other - necessitating that they both be kicked out of DC immediately.
Also: If one should attempt to walk across a parking lot, enter a txtmessage, and scratch the inside of one's ear with one's car keys - all at the same time - one should not expect a pleasant outcome.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
[Ted, disoriented, examining his surroundings] "Wow! My head hurts, I'm naked and I'm in handcuffs. That must've been one heluva party! Woohoo! Hopefully I'll remember more once the hangover passes!]
[security demon] "Ted, this time you're not in the drunk tank. You are dead. Soon you will face the Death Panel."
[Ted] "Death Panel? That's just a lie fabricated by that non-Ivy League hockey mom."
[security demon] "You're partially correct. What Sarah Palin calls a death panel might be more accurately called 'a bunch of bored bureaucrats dryly referring to charts and tables to see whether you'll get a treatment.' But you are dead. You will soon face the real Death Panel."
[bailiff demon] "All rise!"
[assembled crowd stands]
[Satan, Baalzebub, Mephistopheles enter] [Satan] "Be seated"
[assembled crowd is seated]
[Satan] "Mr. Senator, do you prefer 'regular' or 'extra crispy'?"
[Ted] "Wait a sec! My parents took me to church a few times when I was a kid. Between bootlegging runs. I even went to Sunday School once. I don't belong here!"
[Satan, mockingly] "Blah... blah... blah... A few minutes of childhood pew-warming mean nothing."
[Ted, defiant] "I am a Kennedy! I am not subject to laws and regulations! Release me, NOW!"
[Satan] "Senator, answer the question! Regular or extra-crispy!"
[Ted] "Regular, I suppose."
[Satan and cohorts huddle up and whisper to each other, then hand bailiff a note]
[bailiff demon, reading] "The Death Panel has reached a verdict. Extra-crispy!!"
[Ted] "But I said 'regular'!"
[Baalzebub] "Yeah, well, guess what. We don't care. We're just like the liberals on earth who don't care what their constituents say. We just ram through whatever policies we feel like."
[Ted] "But that's not fair!"
[Mephistopheles] "Ha! I know! Ain't it great!?!"
[Satan] "But Ted, you've done more than most to further our agenda. So we'll show you some mercy." [Tosses Ted a small "sample size" tube of sunscreen] "That's SPF 9-trillion. What you apply that to will be safe from the sulfurous flames. Too bad you're so stinking fat that it won't cover very much of you."
[Ted begins to apply contents of tube to his bulbous red nose] "Whuu? Gaah! It burns!"
[Mephistopheles] "Ha-ha! Gotcha! That's actually battery acid mixed with habañero sauce. We like to give our tortures pleasant-sounding names. It kind of adds a little to our enjoyment of your misery. Not unlike how dems call cutting up babies 'choice' or calling gov't-run waiting lines for medicine the 'public option.' And we really like the card-check union-goon 'employee free choice act' one you guys tried to pull. That was, like, straight out of our playbook."
Satan pulls a lever which opens a trapdoor beneath Ted's feet. Ted plummets out of sight.
[Satan] "The Death Panel is adjourned"
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
And it's all Bush's fault! How dare the former President sabotage things so ruthlessly, hide his involvement so carefully, and then time it all so perfectly that it all blows up in the face of the first minority President? I mean, GWB just, like, um, HAS to be an evil racist genius to manage all that. Right? I am right, aren't I?
U.S. unemployment will surge to 10 percent this year and the budget deficit will widen to $1.5 trillion next year, reflecting a “deeper recession” than previously expected, White House budget chief Peter Orszag said.
The Office of Management and Budget also forecasts that the U.S. economy will shrink 2.8 percent this year, worse than the 1.2 percent contraction the OMB projected in May. For next year, the budget office said the gross domestic product will grow 2.0 percent, less than the 3.2 percent expected in May. By 2011, the economy would be well on its way to recovery, growing at a 3.8 percent annual rate, according to the administration’s mid-year economic review, released this morning.
The budget shortfall for 2010 will mark the second straight year of trillion-dollar deficits. The projected deficit for the fiscal year that begins Oct. 1 is higher than the $1.26 trillion forecast in May and reflects expectations economic growth will be slower this year and next because of “the severity of the crisis in the U.S. and in our trading partners,” said Christina Romer, White House chief economist, who along with Orszag briefed reporters on the report.
It couldn't be related to Barry being a (mostly inept) lefty ideologue, who is surrounded by know-nothing cronies that were given their positions for political reasons rather than merit. Could it? No. No way. That can not be. I'm not even willing to entertain the thought. It is all Boooosh's fault and it always will be.
Monday, August 24, 2009
So he went on a campaign to fix it
Held Hill'ry at bay and he went all the way
Though some felt his words were all bullsh...
His rhetoric soared, campaign funds he did hoard
As the press watched on in fascination
Gilligan looked great compared to Barry's First Mate
Then in Denver he won the nomination...
An old Navy hand said "I'll be the man"
To run against Barack in November
Chose Sarah for Veep, it was quite a leap
But the voters would not pull the lever...
Libs at university all cheered diversity
The President, now finally a black
All hailed a new age, the end of racial rage
But Pelosi still looked like a Sleestak
Barry brought change and hope while republicans moped
In Treasury he put a tax cheat named Geithner
Barry showed us the way then he lit up a J
But Timmy should be sellin' teeth whitener...
Econ'my still sour, Bams said this is the hour
To piss money away on pork spending
Unemployment climbed high, debt reached to the sky
And deficits continued unending...
Carmakers got broker, soon posters of Joker
Started poppin' up on many a blog
Got clunker - here's cash! Union thugs, they did bash
And the President selected a dog...
Tempers getting hotter, polls taking on water
Could this be the end for Obama?
Cops acted stupidly, said Commander-in-Chief
Skip says "I'll come out and talk to yo' mama!"
Barry said "no big deal", I know how to heal
We will picnic and drink us some beer!
It started quite well, but then what the hell?
Oh, it's just Joe, tell me why is he here?
Lefties want BarryCare, but voters got scared
Of hospitals run like DMV
Shouting at Town Halls, the people showed balls
The situation got terribly wee-wee'd...
Former Obama whores, pulling on lifeboat oars
Said "He seemed cool but he's really a bastid!"
They paddled away, and Peggy Noonan did say
"See ya later, it was fun while it lasted!"
SS D'ohBama is taking on wa-wa
Barry's mandate, oh where has it been?
Patriots are ticked, democrat azzes are kicked!
We'll get revenge in two-thousand-ten!
This song gets stuck in my head like no other. Now, if you're anything like me, it's stuck in your head too! Ha!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
The ring continued to elude until just a few minutes ago. The wife was out back raking up some leaves. Our garbage company provides big (75 gallon or so) wheeled tubs for yard debris, and it was getting pretty full. When my wife went to roll it to the other part of the yard, there was the ring! Outside, on the ground, under the debris container. This container has not been moved for a couple weeks. WEIRD!
Aliens? ACORN sneaks? Ghosts? Moonbat enthralled by shiny object? or ???
Friday, August 21, 2009
The latest push is to create health-care "co-ops." These dunces don't realized that to most of us, "co-op" = tie-dye and sandals and black junk under the fingernails. There's an organic food co-op literally across the street from where I work. OMG. It's full-spectrum stupid over there, with the wealthy Obama-stickered SUV drivers picking through the muddy radishes next to the tentdwelling ecofreaks who bike into town to ponder the ripeness of the manure-fed melons . The place even has an adjacent restaurant where the food is cooked in natural earthen pots over an actual fire, accompanied by live musicians performing folk and new age. Some of you reading this think I must be making it up. Nope.
I've been in there a few times. They have good stuff, and wide selections to choose from. It isn't real big, in terms of square feet - but they seem to have EVERYTHING. Not sure how they manage that. But the customers! Yoish! One would be surprised at how long one can hold one's breath when one HAS to hold one's breath! Some of them smell like sweaty lawn clippings, others smell straight of patchoulli - but they all smell.
So, to my psycho lefty representatives: Congressman DeFazio, Senators Wyden and Merkley - I do not want to be in a co-op! I do not want to be in the same risk pool as these kinds of people. I do not want to be in the same swimming pool as these kinds of people. I don't care if you vote no because BarryCare goes too far, or whether you don't think it goes far enough. Just vote NO!!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
2. Former Homeland Security Weasel Tom Ridge is coming out with a memoir. He claims the Bush admin pressured him to raise the terrorism alertness level at election time. He says he didn't to it, and it contributed to his decision to retire. Confessedly, I am not an expert in counterterrorism. But I have enough of a clue to know that the bad guys WOULD HAVE LOVED to attack during the election and cause chaos. Raising the terror alert at such a time would MAKE COMPLETE SENSE! GWB is nowhere near my favorite prez, but enough with the Blame Bush garbage. It's really stale. I hope that there end up being warehouses full of unsold Tom Ridge memoirs.
3. Anybody know how to contact Michael Savage and tell him to shut up? I like him when he's ranting against illegal aliens and islamofacists. Wish he did more of that. But his complaints against western medicine chafe me. If a doctor in a hospital tells me to take a pill for my condition, and a hippie tells me to chew on a root for the same condition, I'm going with the doctor. So spare me with the vitamins crap. And while his exclusion from the UK is stupid and should be reversed, IT IS NOT COMPELLING RADIO! We don't need to hear about it Every. Single. Day. Even the ever-present fill-in guest yakkers carry on and on about it. Please!
Hey, before you tell me to change the station, be aware that the equipment I work with creates a lot of RF interference. I can get Savage and I can get an oldies station and listen to Ike & Tina all day. Those are my only choices in the afternoon, so I am justified in being crabby!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Now I'm coming to the realization that the men in prominent positions have been pretty useless lately. Yeah, the radio guys do well and there's the occasional sharp critique from FOX News. But basically, most of the men have been way too quiet, and Sarah Palin, Michelle Malkin and some others have had to step up. Thankfully they have!
Remember when Ann Coulter said it was a mistake to allow women to vote, and that women would vote for a bunch of screwy liberal feel-goody kind of stuff? She's right. Women should not be able to vote. But they should be able to rule! They could do a lot better than the idiot males we've had lately. Time to convene a Con-Con and make it official:
Sarah Palin - Empress for Life
Ann Coulter - Mistress of Foreign Relations (formerly Defense and State)
Liz Cheney - Mistress of Outdoor Stuff (formerly Interior and Energy)
Michelle Malkin - Mistress of Stomping Illegal Aliens and Terrorists (formerly DHS)
You get the idea. Jeri Thompson, Michelle Bachman, Laura Ingraham, Megan Kelly and several others - they belong in the administration somewhere. But I'm an ideas guy, not a detail guy. Convene a con-con or just hash it out in the comments.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Now he's speakin' my language! Now if only we could get some officeholders to lay it out that clearly!
“In September or October there will be a hyped up outbreak of the swine flu which they’ll say is as bad as the bubonic plague to scare the bed-wetters to vote for healthcare reform,” said Mr Armey. “That is the only way they can push something on to the American people that the American people don’t want.”
Saturday, August 15, 2009
A visibly beleaguered President Obama completed his whirlwind tour in promotion of healthcare refrom legislation yesterday. After the meeting in Montana, where he was confronted by an unfriendly crowd of NRA members, the President chose to head back to Martha's Vineyard to enjoy a much needed vacation at a luxury farm the first family has leased out.
The opposition to the reforms has come as something of a shock to the administration, and the stress is clearly evident on the President's demeanor - dark bags under the eyes, more salt than pepper in the hair, and a short temper with the press and his inner circle of advisors. Previously reliable political allies such as Peggy Noonan and the CEO of Whole Foods have turned their back on the once popular Commander-in-Chief. Aboard Air Force One he sought a reassuring kiss from his wife but instead received a harsh rebuke: "No way, nuh-uh! There ain't enough tic-tacs on the planet to cover up the smell of all thatBS comin' out your mouth!"
The President vowed to push forward with the reforms, despite plunging approval among the population, going so far as to say that he was willing to be a one-termer to see it happen. "I make it my solemn vow to see these reforms passed!" In a huddle at the back of the plane, Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel, equally despondent, was heard muttering nonsense to himself while viewing former Governor Sarah Palin's Facebook page on his laptop before going totally nucking futs and stabbing the screen with an icepick. When members of the press corps began to question the former IDF killer/ballet dancer's sanity, spokesman Robert Gibbs eased their fears by saying "That happens all the time. He's fine. There's a clause in the Stimulus bill that funds an unlimited supply of laptops for bipolar administration officials."
Later, an intrepid reporter summoned the courage to ask the semi-conscious President "Sir, with every effort to promote this crappy legislation blowing up in your face, what can you do differently to gain the widespread approval you need?" Lifting his face from his cupped hand and wiping drool off his lip with a embroidered Yes We Can napkin, the President replied "Let me be perfectly clear: We still have a few tricks up our sleeve. The Democrat playbook says that in a time like this the appropriate response would be to start a small war somewhere as a distraction, but the American people are losing interest in such things. Instead, we'll take a bipartisan approach and have a famous celebrity die of a tragic overdose. We already have a few in mind. The American people devour news coverage of such sad, sad events. Perhaps will we combine that with an abduction of an attractive blonde co-ed. Fox News, my nemesis, seems to have a strange facination with that kind of reporting. That will give us some media wiggle room to jam this bill through Congress without any of those racist teabaggers ever hearing about it." Upon hearing this, Sean Penn - a noted Obama supporter and semicelebrity in his own right - perked up from his dope-induced nap on the beanbag to release the following twitter statement "I have a Big Gulp cup of black tar heroin preheated and ready to slam. I'm just waiting for Dear Leader to give the command. I am willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for my country."
An informal poll of protesters reveals that plan may have some merit. A sign-waving grandma, who prefers to remain anonymous, said "I'm no fan of socialized medicine. I believe in personal responsibility. But if means one less lefty hollywood celebutard enema nozzle on my TV, I'd have to give that some serious thought. That's a trade I might be willing to make."
Friday, August 14, 2009
[Cheygolas] "Wow! Besides being merely ugly, you are slick and greasy, too. If I had added a provision for drilling your cavernous pores for oil to my secret energy proposal, it would have earned a lot more support! Drill here, Drill Now!" [Blasts Witchqueen of Botoxia twice in the face with his bird gun][Bam! Bam!]
[Witchqueen, unharmed] "Ha! No weapon wielded by man can affect me!" [Hoyerwraith and Reidwraith join her in laughter]
[Unspoken "oh S***!" from the patriot heroes]
[Sarahwyn] "Well, in that case..." [removes helmet]
[Sarahwyn] "What? What's with the 'GAAAA?' Oh, no! I have Helmet Hair, don't I? Dang it, I knew this was going to happen!"
[Witchqueen, trembling] "Uh, no. Actually your hair is quite nice. It's just that..."
[Reidwraith] "It's just that you're a FEMALE. A charismatic, empowered female! This, uh, like, uh, totally subverts our paradigm!"
[Sarahwyn] "OK then." [Draws custom filet knife w/ scrimshaw grip made from narwhal tusk] "First, I'm gonna filet the size of government. Then I'm gonna filet your corruption. Then I'm gonna give you a much-needed facelift!" [Strides purposefully towards wraiths, blade glimmering in the afternoon sun]
[Witchqueen] "August recess is over! Everyone back to Mordor!" [Throws Prius in reverse and floors it]
The marauding hordes of dorcs and internet trolls flee for the safety of Mordor... The four enter Gondor and assess the damage...
[Strider] "We've held, for now. The damage is extensive but repairable."
[Jimdli] "What about the One Ring? Any word from Voto?"
[Strider] "No. Until the Ring is destroyed, we will be forever in peril."
[Cheygolas] "Then we must help Voto!"
[Strider] "Yes. We must bring the fight to the (town)halls of the enemy!"
They regroup and rearm, and march on the gates of Mordor. Upon reaching the gate, an eyeless creature with a big mouth leans over the wall.
[Mouth of Sauros] "You are all racists! You want people to die without medical coverage! You wear swastikas! You hate, you hate, you hate!"
[Cheygolas] "He may not have eyes, but I must confess that his suit is nicely tailored and his pink silk necktie is perfectly symmetrical."
[Strider] "Look closer. He has eyes. They're just so beady and rat-like that they're hard to discern at this distance."
The iron gates of Mordor creak and begin to open. The armies of Gondor draw their weapons. But nobody comes out the gate. Instead, a platoon of talking plants, some even pretending to be doctors, sneaks past the armies and into the gate which closes hastily behind them...
[Strider] "Hey! What gives? Come on out and fight!"
[Mouth of Sauros] "No, hater! Only a select few are allowed into these meetings!"
The stalemate goes on for several hours. Then a great gathering of almost invisible people begins to arrive, led by Limdalf. The tide of battle is turning...
[Jimdli] "Look! Limdalf has stirred the complacent ones to action! They were unseen and irrelevant, but look at them now! They are flexing their muscles!"
Bolstered by the new arrivals, the armies of Gondor begin to pound the gate. It finally gives and collapses in a rusty heap, and the forces of good pour in. Battle ensues. The once invisible ones deflect enemy strikes using their cleverly worded signs as shields. ACORcs and SEIUnicorns try to fight back, but they are outnumbered. The polls are against them!
While all this has gone on, Voto and Sam have grievously wounded the treacherous Hillum. Weary of her lies, they left her to rot in Foggy Bottom and felt no shame in doing so. Having reached the Beltway of Doom, Voto extracts the Ring from his pocket and cocks his arm to fling it into the sewer.
[Ring, subliminally] "Don't do it! Wear me! I will help you elect moderate republicans!"
[Voto] "Hey, why waste the Ring? Why don't we use it to elect some republicans?"
[Sam] "No! Most of them are little better than the demoncrats! Destroy the Ring once and for all!"
[Voto] "No! I want to give the republicans one more chance!" [puts on Ring] "Look! It is already working!"
The Eye of Sauros flares with rage. Emmessem talking heads try to downplay what's happening.
[Hillum, from ambush, with arm in sling from broken elbow] "If I can't have the Ring, nobody can!" [Jumps on Voto and tries to wrestle the Ring away] "I'll give out stupid Reset Buttons. I'll say stupid stuff in Africa about our elections. I'll be a totally stupid snag to an innocent to a kid in the Congo! I'll do anything to have that Ring!"
Hillum manages to wrest the Ring from Voto. Before should can put it on, though, she loses her footing and falls into the street. Cars crash and swerve to avoid her, but after all the chaos she finds herself hopelessly trapped under a bus. The Rings gets away from her and rolls down a storm drain. The Ring is lost forever!!!
I know, lame ending. Call John Edwards and sue me or something.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
[token conservative] "But Chris, the CBO, yes that CBO, said it will balloon the deficit while..."
[Chrissy Matthews] "Look, I know that you like the idea of millions going without health insurance. You're just an evil-mongering swastik.."
[Matthews, interrupting himself] "Just a sec... We go live now to Dearest President Obama's Townhall meeting."
[Obama, onscreen] "Thank you folks, for your civility. A vigorous and robust debate is vital, and we can do a lot better than the last meeting in New Hampshire. There were snipers and nazis everywhere at that meeting. I felt a little like Secretary of State Bill Cl... Oops! Sorry, Hill! I keep saying that! I felt a little like Hillary in Bosnia when she had to go all Matrix dodging bullets and stuff."
[Matthews, hushed tone] "Can you believe it! The President stormed right through a barrage of nazi gunfire to address the crowd. He's so brave, like MacArthur tearing through Europe."
[token conservative] "Chris, Patton tore up Europe. MacArthur was in the Pacific."
[Matthews] "Shut up, liar, or you'll end up in the Pacific!"
[Obama, onscreen, surrounded by purpleshirt SEIUnicorns with billy clubs] "Let's take a question"
[Random person] "Mr. President, what can I do to improve my odds before the Death Panel?"
[Obama] "Let me be perfectly clear. There is no Death Panel. That is a vicious lie cooked up by that vicious liar who couldn't even beat Joe in the veep debate. Any so-called Death Panel would be just another gov't committee, and we know how inefficient committees are. My plan is all about efficiency - there will be NO committees. Instead, there is a complex formula and a spreadsheet that will determine medical outcomes. Just a few keystrokes and a few mouse clicks, and the correct cell on the spreadsheet will be highlighted. Just like that! Imagine the savings! For example, say you're a young gay progressive illegal alien on welfare. You have a lot of life ahead of you. The spreadsheet will say that you'll receive the best of care, with no regard for cost. On the other hand, if you're a retired oil executive who needs knee surgery so you can keep playing tennis on the weekends, well, we're just going to put a plastic bag over your head and push you down the stairs. Very efficient! We'll even put the spreadsheet on the web at www.deathgrid.gov, so you can see whether you should even bother waiting in line for a doctor or whether you should just sit in your big disgusting SUV idling with the garage door closed 'til you finally die of monoxide poisoning."
[Matthews] "I'm tingling! Are you tingling?"
[Rahm E, onscreen whispering something to Obama]
[Obama, pissedly] "Now I'm just learning that my fellow liberals are all a bunch of wussies. They're folding under the pressure of the unruly ginned-up astroturfer mobs. The Senate has removed the deathgrid provision. Bastages! They're afraid of a handful of nazis and an ex-governor with a Twitter account."
[Obama] "This is not the end!!!!!!!!!!" [stomps off platform angrily]
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
[Boremir McCain] "Voto, you look like you're getting tired. You should let me carry the Ring for a while."
[Voto] "No, thank you. I'll get by. It is a difficult burden, but I'll manage."
[Boremir, subtly angry] "Then let me at least have a look at it."
[Sam] "Boremir, why do you take that tone with Voto?"
[Boremir] "Screw you, Sam! I wasn't talking to you! Just gimme the @#*^$(*& Ring! I'll be the candidate and I will win."
[Voto] "Frankly Boremir, as a candidate, you're a bit of a bore. The base just doesn't seem to rally around you. I thank you for your years of service, but there's a certain doubt about whether you might betray us on crucial issues. I'll not give the Ring to an unpredictable maverick."
Boremir draws his sword and takes a few menacing steps towards Voto. Sam jumps between the two. Previously unseen emessem snipers begin sniping from the cover of their mastheads, and Boremir goes down, just a few steps away from seizing the Ring. Before fading away completely, Boremir utters an enigmatic last word: "I vote no on Sonia Sodomizór!"
Sarubama, on the verge of tears, is kicking around the debris left of the Towering Ego. An ugly, hunchbacked creature with blatantly fake hair ambles his direction.
[Sarubama] "Halt! Who is it that comes near my fragile ego?"
[Joe Bigor] "Master, it's me! Your faithful assistant! Is it alive?"
[Sarubama] "Joe, you're talking nonsense. As usual, nothing you're saying is the least bit applicable to the situation. You're in a completely different fantasy land. You don't belong here."
[Bigor] "Master, it doesn't matter what fantasy land! For I am always in fantasy land!"
[Sarubama] "Well, OK then. Help me pick this mess up before Michelle gets home and beats me with her broomstick!"
[Hillum, looking over a rocky crag at Sam and Voto] "My precioussss! I will yet claim it from those sssneaky voterers!" [Leaps down to attack]
[Sam, backhanding the shriveled monster] "Get away from him, you beech!"
[Hillum] "My precioussss! You stole it from me! It was mine! Mine! I was to wear it and rule! I am the smartest woman on the planet! I waited patiently, for years, for my turn! It wasss all magnificently planned, but you voterers ruined everything! Even Limdalf said I had an 80% chance of capturing the Ring! Give it to me! Now!"
[Sam] "Stop it. We're in no mood. Voto is weary of the burden placed upon him, and I'm just about fed up with your whining. The Elephant Man has ankles more shapely than yours, and your laugh sounds like a cartoon character. You will never have the Ring."
[Hillum] "If I can't have it, NOBODY CAN!"
[Voto and Sam] "Perfect. You can show us the way to the Beltway and help us destroy it."
[Hillum] "Yessss. I will help you. I know the Beltway well. I will take the Ring. Ooops, heh, heh. I meant 'I will take you to the one place the Ring can be destroyed!' Sorry."
Strider, Cheygolas, Sarahwyn and Jimdli continue their trek to Gondor. As they round a bend, they encounter a band of slaves working on a Mordor Infrastructure Renewal project. The slaves struggle under heavy loads of quarry stone, as vicious taskmasters supervise and lay whipcords across the backs of the laborers. As they toil, the workers chant the verses of The Slave's Lament:
Strange man came from Huh-why-ee,Blood begins to boil. This injustice must not stand! The four heroes prepare to assault the taskmasters. Even their horses sense the evil and grow anxious for battle - the hooved beasts straining at the reins wanting to charge. But before they can begin, a far worse sight is seen in the distance: The armies of Mordor are crossing the Yellingmore Fields to begin the final destruction of Gondor. Soldiers, as countless as the sand on the seashore, march on, led by ACORcs. Some ACORcs are saddled atop giant battleRINOs, which tow catapults and other fearsome siege engines across the plains. The soldiers continue forward as the machines launch ponderous boulders of stimulus spending against the ramparts of Gondor.
Promised change, brought misery.
He killed our jobs, told us to heed,
He taxed our gains for his own need.
We fought him hard, we fought him well -
On Capitol Hill we gave him hell!
Then he nationalized our industry,
Oh will we ever be set free?
[Jimdli] "Look! They're firing on the city!"
[Cheygolas] "That stone of cap-n-trade has smashed the parapet!"
[Sarahwyn] "The walls are falling! The enemy is entering the breach!"
[Strider, sword held aloft] "I will not live one day while this goes on! I will defeat them or I will die! Chaaaaarge!" [spurs eager horse]
The horses lunge forward at a furious gallop. Their hoofbeats seem to devour the very earth. The four reach the enemy's flank and crash the lines. Outnumbered by thousands-to-one, the warriors know no fear and their steeds slow for no one. Sparks from steel blades greeting armor fill the air. Dorcs that stand are trampled while those that flee are struck with the sword. Such is the heroism of the four, that centuries later the minstrels still sing of their valor.
Riding through dustclouds and barren wastes,
Galloping hard on the plains.
Chasing the libtards back to their holes,
Fighting them at their own game!
Trampled on freedoms, Repeated stabs in the back -
Enough is enough, Now it's time to atta-a-a-a-ck!"
Reaching the heart of the enemy formation, the horses stop in a panic before a hideous foe - A hooded, almost skeletal figure sitting astraddle a flat-black Toyota Prius - The Empress of the Ringwraiths!
"I am the Witchqueen of Botoxia! Prepare to meet your doom!"
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Fellowship breaks through to daylight, where the Taxrog dares not go. Their erstwhile leader, Limdalf the Wizard, has been lost. The fights have been valiant; their losses painful - yet the Fellowship carries on with their quest to destroy the Ring...
[Voto, mournful of Limdalf, wanting to change the subject] "Strider, tell me about Gondor."
[Strider] "It is a majestic land. Great gleaming towers and fruitful fields. The people live in peace and prosperity, and their generosity is legend. Liberty and equality rule the day." [hesitates] "Or so it was when I was a lad. The endless assaults from Mordor have eroded my people's resolve. Gondor remains standing, though the damage is severe. Even if we were to stem the tide of tyranny today, it would take an entire generation to see all the damage undone. The other nations of Middle Class no longer see Gondor as the shining city on a hill, but rather as just another realm declining into irrelevance. I weep for my country."
The band marches onward, the spirit of loss and hopelessness mounting with each footfall. At that unique moment in time when it seemed things could get no worse, the trampling sound of marching dorcs begins rumbling across the plain...
[Boremir McCain] "But I thought they couldn't come out in the daylight!?!"
[Sam] "Oh, no!"
[Jimdli, with bravado] "Be of good courage! Today is a good day to die, for a dorc!"
[Cheygolas] "Yea, verily, my swarthy little friend!"
[Merry] "They're getting closer!"
The stench of patchouli and unwashed underarms fills the air, as hordes of dorcs descend from all sides. En masse, the dorcs shriek out their war cry of "raaaaaaaaaciiiiiiist!" and begin their charge. The echoes of the dorcs' wail give way to the sound of clashing steel...
[Voto] "My blade glows like a supernova!" [Strikes nearby dorc]
Sarahwyn swings away at dorcs, Cheygolas fires rapidly. Strider, wielding his own sword in one hand and the crude blade of a fallen dorc in the other, flails at enemies like an overcaffeinated Sith. Bodies begin to pile up around around the heroes. Jimdli climbs atop a heap of dorc corpses to gain a better striking angle. They are holding their ground, but is it enough?
As exhaustion sets in, dorcs have the company of warriors fully encircled. A grim situation, indeed. The valiant band of patriots braces for a final stand, but the battle is interrupted by the clarion call of a dorc sounding notes on a bonghorn. Dorcs hear the call for retreat and dash from the scene. Chests heaving from exertion, the heroes assess the results. Four of their party are missing!
[Jimdli] "Oh no! The Fellowship is broken! The Ring has fallen into the hand of the enemy! Sauros will rule over us all!"
[Strider] "Be that yes or no, I will not go quietly into that dark night. I will die with my boots on. I will bathe in the warmth of my enemy's blood. Who is with me?"
[Cheygolas, Sarahwyn and Jimdli, raising their weapons. Yelling] "In defense of Gondor!!!" [quartet departs and heads for Gondor]
The dorcs assemble some distance away. There is much jubilation among them, for they hold as captives Voto the Ringbearer, his staunch friend Sam, and the courageous Boremir. Merry the voter is nowhere to be found.
[Dorc captain] "This is a moment of triumph! Sauros shall reward us richly! Let us feast on government cheese and burn much weed!"
[Cheers from the company of dorcs. Celebratory slaps and other abuses upon the POWs]
The festivities begin. Dorcs gather in circles around the campfires and make disjointed sounds on their bongo drums. Hookahs are lit and copious amounts of subsidized foodstuffs are consumed. Soon they are reclined and relaxed. Many drift off into a dope-assisted sleep.
[Boremir, whispering] "Guys, this is our chance! Follow me!"
Boremir, Voto and Sam creep away. Utilizing his SERE training, Boremir silently leads the way through the jungle, away from the dozing dorcs.
[Voto] "What of the others? Did they survive?"
[Boremir] "Sadly, we have no way of knowing. We'll have to assume the worst. Now it is all up to us. We must make our way to the Beltway of Doom on our own."
[Sam, lip quivering from stifled sobs]
The three continue their weary walk to destiny...
Merry, alone, finds his way into a forest of ancient trees. An unsettling sense of being watched causes his heart to race. A robed figure approaches.
[Limdalf] "Merry? What are you doing here?"
[Merry] "LIMDALF! We thought you were dead!"
[Limdalf] "Wha? Oh. No. Not at all. I just had to deal with those idiot tax collectors from the State of New York. They audit me every... single... year...! But I've dealt with that taxrog once and for all - I'm never doing business in New York again! Ha!"
[Merry] "What a relief!"
[Limdalf] "And then I flew out to Hawaii for a few days to play some golf with my buddies."
[Merry] "So that's where you've been all this time!"
[Limdalf] "So what about you? Why are you all alone?"
[Merry] "Tragedy, sir! A huge company of dorcs attacked us in broad daylight. I managed to escape, but I fear the others have been lost!" [crying]
[Limdalf, pulls out crystal ball] "Well, let's see about that." [Peers into ball] "The reception out here is terrible!" [Holds ball up, walks around a little] "OK, I got two bars now. That should be enough. Gotta keep it brief, though, as the Securitywraith has been known to eavesdrop on this channel."
[Limdalf, continuing to peer into ball] "Hmm. Uh-huh." [nods] "Uh-huh, uh-huh. OK" [puts ball away] "Beneath Sarubama's citadel, the Towering Ego, the half-white wizard has been breeding his own army of dorcs. Unlike most dorcs who are limited to sneaky behavior after dark and in smoke-filled, dimly-lit rooms, these dorcs can function in broad daylight. Often with the cooperation of the police. These are the ACORcs! They can be differentiated from normal dorcs by their bright red shirts."
[Merry] "Egads! But isn't it a little racist to call Sarubama 'half-white'?"
[Limdalf] "No, silly. I'm not talking about his skin. If you were to go to Ye Olde Home Depot to attempt a paint match, you'd find that Sarubama is exactly 50% "surrender flag" white and 50% "commie ideologue" red. Combined, that makes him pink. A pinko. But if I call him the Pink Wizard I catch hell from the No on 8 crowd. It's easier to just call him half-white."
[Merry] "I see."
[Limdalf] "The rest of the Fellowship have survived, but they are scattered. Boremir, Voto and Sam are continuing towards the Beltway. Strider, Jimdli, Sarahwyn and Cheygolas go to defend Gondor. And Sarubama is cooking up a scheme to nationalize the healthcare system and bankrupt Medicare."
[Ancient tree, excitedly] "WHAT!!!???! How dare he!"
[Limdalf and Merry startle at seeing a talking tree]
[tree] "I am AARPent, the seniormost seasoned citizen in this forest. Do not be alarmed. We have no issue with you, but we shall have our vengeance on Sarubama!"
AARPent lets out a yell which stirs numerous trees, both young and old, to action. They pick up signs and barge right into a townhall meeting going on in the Towering Ego. A fracas ensues and by the end the Towering Ego is much less towering...
[Limdalf] "Merry, let us go and catch up with our brothers in defense of Gondor!"
I know my rights, and I will not be pushed around! I will go to the courts and sue the poo out of the 911 dispatcher and the dude that adjusts the sprinkle applicator. I shall raise my clenched fist in victory!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
[Voto Baggins, the voter] "Gee, I sure wish Elron Reagan were still here."
[Rush Limdalf, the gray wizard] "Alas, he has saddled up and ridden away to Uttermost West. We are on our own."
[Boremir McCain, the human] "Yes, I remember it well. I was a footsoldier in the Reagan Revolution, when Elron and his allies smote the dark forces and snatched the Ring of Electoral Power away from the enemy."
[Limdalf] "But the enemy was not fully vanquished. He remains a disembodied force of evil. If he were to reclaim the Ring, our way of life would be ended. Even today, he amasses an army of dorcs, ogres and internet trolls. Soon they will march. The Ring must be destroyed! It must not fall into the hands of the enemy!"
[Boremir] "What if we use the Ring against them? I, a man of stout heart and courage, could wield the power of the Ring wisely. I could fight pork bills and grant amnesties!"
[Limdalf] "No. The power of the Ring is too seductive. None who wear it can resist its urges. Soon you would be reduced to a power-hungry incumbent like the Ringwraiths."
[collective gasp of horror]
[Bobby Jimdli, the dwarf] "I shall destroy it!" [forcefully brings down ax upon ring, ring is unscathed]
[Limdalf] "The Ring is forged of ancient things. It can only be destroyed in the furnace it was forged in: The Beltway of Doom!"
[collective gasp of horror]
[Voto Baggins] "Whatever shall we do?"
[Dick Cheygolas, the elf] "We shall gather ourselves an army of our own, and march on the Beltway. We will see the blight of the Ring removed from Middle Class once and for all!"
[Limdalf] "No. The all-seeing Eye of Sauros would see you coming. We will succeed with only a small band of brave patriots. Who volunteers to bear the Ring?"
[Voto, sadly] "I shall bear the Ring"
[Jimdli] "But he's just an ordinary voter! He can't bear the burden the Ring would place on him!"
[Sam, another voter] "Where Voto goes, I go!"
[Cheygolas] "You have my bow! And my double-barreled quail gun!"
[Attendees cringe slightly at mention of quail gun]
[Jimdli] "You have my ax!"
[Boremir] "You have my sword!"
[Strider Norris, the
[Limdalf] "You have my staff!"
[Merry, another voter] "I am named for Christmas, not that PC 'happy holidays' hogwash. I shall go , too! You have my vote and my campaign contributions!"
[Pimpin, another voter] "Yo, yo! You gots Pimpin's beats!" [begins to breakdance]
[Limdalf] "Pimpin, you are not worthy. Leave. Now. I don't care what Michael Steele said."
[Voto] "Then let us be off!"
[Limdalf] "Wait! The Fellowship is not complete! We need a replacement for Pimpin!"
[Craned necks, looks about the room. No replacement is to be found. Disappointment.]
[clop, clop of hoofbeats]
[Sarahwyn arrives and dismounts from her horse] "I know you weren't expecting me until later in the story. But being the Princess of Rohan was getting us nowhere. It is so distant. I resigned so I could be freed to fight bigger battles. Besides, Wormtongue lost his job. I feel quite vindicated!"
[Limdalf] "The Fellowship is complete! Let us journey to the Beltway!"
A day's ride to the east, the Fellowship is atop a small rise in the midst of high mountains. A huge flock of birds soars overhead...
[Strider] "Hide! It is the eyes of the enemy!"
[Fellowship scrambles to hide under rocks and in crevices]
[Cheygolas] "Hey, birds!"
[Voto] "Cheygolas, no! They'll snitch our position to email@example.com!"
[Cheygolas] "I said hey birds! I got your stimulus right here!" [Flips The Bird gesture to the birds]
[Limdalf] "We're safe. They didn't see us."
The group decamps and continues the journey. Crossing an icy and treacherous mountain pass, the mountain rumbles and an avalance assaults the party...
[Limdalf] "Run! This is the work of Sarubama, the half-white wizard!"
[Voto] "But the MSM said Sarubama is a good guy! Why would he do this to us?"
[Limdalf] "He has been seduced by the schemes of Sauros! Run! Run for the Mines!"
Reaching the Mines of Moroyourmoney safely, the party is confronted by an enigmatic door inscribed with ancient runes.
[Sarahwyn] "Oh, not this again!" [Draws custom AR-15 chambering .50 Beowulf] [Blows door to smithereens]
[Jimdli, wincing, rubbing fingertips in ear] "Wow, that was kind of loud! But enter, for here you will be treated to some real southern hospitality. It will be such a joy to see my ancestors again!"
Entering the cavern, the Fellowship see that the once-grand southern architecture has fallen into ruin and disrepair...
[Limdalf] "The demoncrats have been here. Nothing but waste and ruin left in their wake. We must not tarry!"
Reaching an alcove, a sort of monument is found. Among the old dry bones and rubble an old book is found. Limdalf dusts it off and begins reading...
[Limdalf] "We are trapped here. The demoncrats have us outnumbered and have superior fundraising. The demoncrat leaders, Blanco and Nagin, have destroyed almost everything. Here we make our last stand."
[Jimdli, begins to choke up]
[Limdalf, continuing from the book] "But the demoncrats were too greedy. They dug up Moroyourmoney too fast and too deep. They unearthed that fell creature of legend, the Taxrog! Before the mighty Taxrog, even the dorcs are afraid!"
Suddenly our intrepid adventurers are ambushed by dorcs and a particularly foul ogre... A violent melee ensues... Dorcs fall to the left and to the right. Blasts of .50 Beowulf and quail shot dismember the enemy forces. But more dorcs pour in... The battle is grim...
[Voto] "Strider!" [Voto hews down a dorc with his short sword, which is glowing in the presence of liberals] "Strider, doesn't that ogre kind of remind you of a certain obese documentary filmmaker?"
[Strider] "Yes, he does. And I know how to deal with movie bad guys!" [Strider kicks the ogre in the gut. The ogre coughs out a whole bucket of hot wings and a couple apple fritters]
[Voto, between sword strikes] "Strider, keep it up! He's getting weaker!"
Strider continues his onslaught of kicks and spinning backfists. Eventually all the (turkey) stuffing is beaten out of the ogre and the odious beast collapses. The dorcs begin to flee...
[Voto] "We've won!"
[Limdalf] "No! The dorcs flee, but not from our punishment." [Cups hand to ear] "Oh, no! It's the Taxrog! Run! Dash to the bridge that Reaches Across the Aisle! Cross it to the right and don't look back!"
The band of brave patriots reaches the bridge, the Taxrog hot on their heels. The Taxrog is gaining on them as they near the other side. Limdalf makes a valiant stand against the ravenous monster...
[Limdalf] "Fell creature, I command you!" [Strike staff on bridge. Blue/white arcs of AM-frequency lightning surround him] "This far, and NO FARTHER!" [Bridge collapses, Taxrog plummets into the abyss]
In an act of desperation, the Taxrog Indiana Joneses Limdalf's leg with his fiery whip and whisks Limdalf into the darkness below....
[Fellowship, screaming] "LIMDALLLLLLLLLLLF!"
should I continue?
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
It reminds me of the young elephant who is chained to a stake. The young elephant learns early on that he lacks the strength to break the chain or uproot the stake. The young elephant then grows up, still tethered, not realizing that in his adulthood he has within him more than ample strength to free himself. He suffers abuse after abuse. The Obministration, playing the role of elephant tamer, seems to have pushed too hard, though. Retreating to avoid the blows from the tamer and straining against his shackles, the elephant's chains begin to fail. The elephant is now realizing that the limits on him are self-imposed and his opposition is not able to keep him restrained. The elephant is breaking loose.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
[Ty Pennington] "OK, Design Team. We have a really big project in front of us. Take a look at this tape, and you'll see what I'm talking about."
[Ty, presses button on remote, image appears onscreen]
[Onscreen image] "Hi, ABC! I'm Barack. I'm the dad. I think I'm 48, but I'm not sure because there's controversy regarding my birth certificate... Hi, I'm Michelle, the mom. Hi, I'm Sasha. Hi, I'm Malia. And we're the Obama Family!"
[Paige, to nobody in particular] "Wow, those kids are really cute."
[Onscreen image] "We had really big plans when we came to DC. We were going to renovate everything. We were going to bring hope and change and redistribution. But things haven't completely gone the way we planned. The economy keeps getting worse, the commoners are staging protests all over the place, and people are starting to put up scary posters of me. Ty, ABC and the crew of Extreme Makeover, I implore you: Please come to DC and help us finish these renovations. We're in deep trouble here, and we don't know what else to do!"
[Ty, presses button and display goes dark] "So you can see why we're here."
[Preston] "It's just heartbreaking."
[Paulie, wiping tear from eye] "I, I, can't believe how hard it would be to have to live like that. We have to do something!"
[Ty] "Eggggzzzactly! Are you with me? Can we do this?"
[Team puts hands together] "LET'S DO IT!!!!!"
[Bus approaches White House. Ty and Design Team disembark and sneak towards front door.]
[Ty, through megaphone] "Gooooood Morning Obama family! Barry, Michelle, Malia, Sasha! Wake up and come outside!"
[Obamas, emotional, come running out. Hugs exchanged.]
[Ty] "So, you've really been on a roller-coaster the last few months."
[Obama] "Yeah. We came in with huge popularity and a tidal wave of a mandate. Senator McCain, who was disliked by much of his own party, was my opponent. I had huge advantages in fundraising, media coverage, and overall coolness. I also had ACORN. With these things on my sides, I was able to beat that Maverick guy by about 52/48."
[Ty] "Alright. I have some good news. We're going to help with these renovations."
[MichelleO] "Thank you!"
[Ty] "And there's more good news. While we're working, you're going on VAY-CAY-TION!"
[Ty] "Yes, we're sending you to a really big farm up in Martha's Vineyard!"
[MaliaO] "Mom! I don't want to go to a farm!"
[MichelleO] "Why not, baby? I think a farm would be fun. Like working in our garden, only bigger and better!"
[MaliaO] "But mom, that's just carrots and stuff. I can deal with that. But I don't want to be around a bunch of smelly animals and smelly manure and roosters coming home to roost that wake me up too early. Barack-a-doodle-do!"
[MichelleO] "But baby, the garden is full of manure, too. Clinton manure. So stop fussing about the farm. C'mon, it'll be fun! Maybe they'll let you shear a sheep or something!"
[Malia, crosses arms and sighs indignantly]
[Ty] "OK, Obama family, let's get packing! We need to send you off on your vacation right away. We have a LOT of work ahead of us, so time is of the essence!"
The next day...
[Ty running around with camcorder, sending vid to Obama's laptop] "Hello Obama family! Hope your vacation is going well. Today is my favorite day. Demolition day! Are you ready for some demo?"
[Obama and family point at laptop screen and laugh politely]
[Ty] "We're gonna need a lot of help. Here comes our help right now!"
[All 435 congressmen and all 100 senators come marching up with blue shirts and hardhats]
[Ty] "And here they go!" [flailing around with camcorder] "Look! There's Senator Dodd! He's beating the housing market with a sledgehammer. Wow! And Senator Schumer" [Ty ducks to avoid flying debris] "is jackhammering the 2nd Amendment. This is crazy!"
[Obamas continue to watch vid, giggling and pointing at screen]
[Ty] "Whoa! Senator Boxer is out here burning the 1st Amendment with a plasma cutter! She says that townhall protesters are just a bunch of fakers!" [Ty jumps out of the way of capitalism as it comes crashing down] "Phew! That was close!"
[Ty] "Congressman Fwank! What are you doing!?!? This is a family show! The sledgehammer is for demo, not..."
[Ty steps aside as a big excavator drives up. The big machine begins tearing into the Constitution like a hungry hyena]
[Ty] "There you have it, Obama family! Now, we only have seven days to stuff all these unread bills through congress, so wish us luck! We're gonna need it!"
[Obamas wave goodbye to the image on the laptop] "Bye, Ty!"
[Ty] "OK, Pelosi, Reid, Hoyer and the rest of you guys. We have a lot of work to do." [through megaphone] "Let's get started!"
[Democrat leadership] "Umm, Ty? We don't really know how to build anything. We're a lot better at tearing things down. Besides, this is our August recess. We're outta here!"
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
But now they're all over the place. They seem to have a fondness for the front porch - seems like every morning I end up walking through a web. Nasty. This morning as I was heading out for my early job at 4:15, there was even one in my car. It was still dark, and I sat right in the web and the spider crawled on my neck before I figured out what was going on. I'm not phobic or anything - I actually like to see them and their webs. When they're OUTSIDE and NOT IN MY WAY!!
Two nights in a row I've had some cracked-out spider dreams. In the first one, I dreamt that my wife and I were in a nice hotel room, but it was still under construction with some pipes laying on the floor. There were about a half dozen tarantulas in the room. I was trying to stomp on them but they were really quick and could avoid me. I was thinking I needed some rattlesnake gaiters so I wouldn't be bit on the leg. Then I found a can of Wasp & Hornet spray and went to town. It wasn't scary and there was no adrenalin dump that accompanies a nightmare. Just weird. Then last night I dreamt that the doorknob to our front door was really big and hollowed out like a funnel, and there were a bunch of big ugly spiders living in the hollow area. In the dream my wife was afraid to come near the door, while I just kind of poked at them with a straightened-out wire coathanger. Then I woke up. Again, not scary just bizarre.
I know from reading the comments here, I attract some very intelligent and perceptive readers. Somebody, please tell me what it all means!