[Obama in White House lunchroom] [Sniff, sniff, nose in air] "I think I smell a republican" [sniffs sandwich] "No, it's not my sandwich. There's definitely a republican around here."
[Arlen Specter, wearing trenchcoat, fedora and sunglasses. Whispering] "Pssst. Mr. President, do you have a second?"
[Obama, turning around] "Who goes there?"
[Specter] "It's me, Arlen"
[Obama] "I knew it! I could sense the foul stench of republicans in my midst! Begone!"
[Specter] "But I vote with the democrats a lot. Can I just have a second of your time?"
[Obama] "Keep it quick, and keep the disguise. I must not be seen with you."
[Specter] "I've been having a lot of second thoughts about being a republican. 'Specially in the last few weeks, as it is clear that in the next primary, Toomey would beat my cottage-cheesed butt right into the ground."
[Obama closes eyes and waves hand. The two are transported to another dimension.]
[Creepy hooded Obama] "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side!"
[Specter] "During the porkulus debate, I felt a strange disturbance in the Senate. It was as if 787 billion dollars cried out, then were silenced."
[Creepy hooded Obama] "Yes! You voted for cloture, ensuring my porkulus would pass into law."
[Specter] "It made me feel naughty. Curiously naughty. I liked it."
[Creepy hooded Obama] "Now change parties, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!"
[Specter] "What is thy bidding, my master?"
[Creepy hooded Obama] "YES! Bwaaahaaaahaaa! [Laughter echoes creepily. Obama waves hand, the two return to normal spacetime.]
[Obama] "Tell no one. I mean, uh, wait. Oh. Note the little 'o' in the word 'one' I just said. I should have said 'tell nobody' because I am The One, with a big 'O'. That could get confusing.
[Specter] "Understood, master. Heh. When my wife talks about the 'Big O' she means something totally different, but I'll straighten her out." ------------------------ [Obama's big TV conference that's on almost every channel]
[Obama] "I had intended to use this time to address the American people regarding the ongoing economic challenges we face, and the continuing threat of man-caused disasters. Recent events have caused me to redirect the bulk of my message, but I will take a few minutes to quickly address those things.
First of all, my redistributionist policies and my desire to reward my cronies - these two crucial challenges facing my administration- have found a neat solution with the automaker bailouts. My buddies, the poor downtrodden UAW, now are in charge of GM. The government now holds a larger stake in GM than the original shareholders. People who bought GM corporate bonds hoping to help GM, will get paid about 10 cents on the dollar. We recognize that this could be damaging to some people's retirement savings. That's why there's a new page on change.gov, where you can download a free coupon. This coupon is redeemable for a free tube of 401KY Jelly, which makes losing your retirement savings much more comfortable.
[polite clapping from the audience]
Secondly, there are mischief makers who want to cause pain to our nation. Some use bombs, some use the media. The other day, I had Air Force One fly low through New York City so we could get an updated photo. Those vile chatterboxes in the MSM slander me, claiming that I caused some kind of scare. They proclaim that people fled their office towers in fear, that my actions reminded people of 9/11. I am here to tell you this is not the case. People were not fleeing in fear. They hear a low-flying jet and said to themselves 'hey, that might be Air Force One! Maybe President Obama is nearby!' They looked out the windows and saw that it indeed was Air Force One. Not willing that their officemates might miss out, they went so far as to pull fire alarms, so that everybody would know to run outside and seek a glimpse of my plane. Sadly, I was unable to actually be on board, but nobody at ground zero knew that at the time. They thought they might see me wave to them, or even catch a whiff of my hot jet exhaust. So we can excuse their exuberance. It was ME they thought they were seeing, after all. But it is flawed reporting like this that is causing big newspapers like the New York Times and cable channels like MSNBC to lose customers. If they would merely speak the truth about my greatness 24/7, they might not be having so many problems.
Speaking of man-caused disasters, this brings us to the big topic of the day. The Swine Flu. Thankfully, my religion prohibits consumption of pork. So I, your leader, am not at risk.
But there are many Americans who like their bacon, and the swine flu is wreaking a terrible toll on them. To you, I say 'be comforted.' For our department of homeland security has learned that this is all a big conspiracy perpetrated by extremist right-wingers. Soon my Secret Police will be rounding these evildoers up and placing them in FEMA camps.
Lastly, I have a big surprise for you...
[Obama gestures offstage, and Arlen Specter strides into the spotlight beside Obama] "Go ahead and tell the folks..."
[Specter] "I was first elected to the Senate during the Reagan Revolution. Ronald Reagan was a good man"
[Specter] "But today's GOP has moved too far to the right. Reagan's Big Tent Republicanism has been replaced with rabid opposition to Obama's greatness."
[Specter] "They have moved so far to the right, they've fallen off the end of the spectrum. It's like when you're playing Asteroids on your Atari. The rock disappears off the right side of the screen and reappears on the left side."
[audience member, to the one seated next to him, quietly] "Atari? Geez this guy is old!"
[Specter] "They've gone so far to the right that they've wrapped back around to the middle. Today's GOP is run by savage right-wing mutants like Chuck Hagel and Lincoln Chafee and John McCain. I'll have no more of them. Today I announce that I am changing my party affiliation. I am now a democrat."
[Obama] "Now I have a filibuster-proof majority of everything. No One. I mean Nobody can stand in my way!! I am the king of the world!!
Morning security and staff meeting. Usual suspects advisors in attendance.
[Obama, putting down newspaper and picking up coffee cup. "Swine Flu" headline still visible.] "So I was out playing a round of golf the other day when I was asked about this shine flu business. I was caught totally off-guard. I used my canned 'we are aware of the situation, there's no need for alarm' line that I always use when I'm caught unawares. But as President, I suppose I should be more informed about this issue. Please fill me in."
[Obama looks in direction of Surgeon General's seat, which is empty.]
[Obama looks in direction of Director of CDC's seat, which is empty.]
[Obama looks in direction of Secretary of HHS' seat, which is empty.] "Didn't we name somebody to HHS? I thought we did."
[Axelrod] "Sebelius hasn't been confirmed yet. As for the others, Sanjay Gupta flew the coopta before we even got around to confirming him for Surgeon General, and I don't think anybody here even realized we were supposed to name a director for CDC. Maybe we should get on that."
[Obama] "Are there yet any tax-dodgers out there whom we might call upon?"
[Axelrod] "I'll check. There's gotta still be a couple out there we haven't nominated yet. If they're out there, I'll find them for ya!"
[Obama] "Very good. But this still leaves me woefully uninformed about this Stein Flu."
[SecState Clinton, under desk, pokes napping SecHomeSec Napolitano w/ sharp end of pencil. Napolitano jerks to alertness, lifts head from notebook "pillow" and raises hand like a knowing elementary school student. A wispy, silvery line of drool connects the corner of Napolitano's mouth to the small puddle on her notebook.] "PRESENT!"
[Obama] "Jan, we're in April. Christmas, or Kwanzaa if you prefer, isn't for several more months. Please don't distract us with discussions of Christmas presents."
[Napolitano lowers hand, severing saliva strand in the process] "Ooops. Sorry, sir. I was dreaming. I was dreaming about the first day of school. I dream about that a lot. Almost every night - except when I've been drinking and then I don't remember what I was dreaming about, or how I got home. But anyway, when I was little I was so excited about going to school and making new friends. I couldn't wait to say "PRESENT" when the teacher called my name on that very first roll call. That was the best day of my life. As it turns out, it was all downhill after that. The other kids didn't like me much and called me names like "whaleface" and bullied me a lot. I think that is what led me to politics and why I dream a lot about the good old days of my youth, back before I knew everybody hated me."
[Obama, making miniature violin gestures with his fingers, sarcastic tone] "Soooo Soooorrrrry, Jan!" [normal voice] "How the heck does anything you just told me educate me about this menacing Stein Flu menace?"
[Napolitano] "Sir, actually, it is 'Swine Flu,' as in 'Senator Dianne Fineswine.' Well, I mean, not that we've confirmed her involvement in this plot, but at least that's the little mnemonic device I use to remember what kind of flu it is."
[Nap] "Sir, my spies have had some success infiltrating the various terror groups at work on our soil. At this point, it seems that the Swine Flu is a carefully orchestrated assault led by disgruntled veterans and gun owners. They're coming over the border from Canada, as terrorists like to do. It seems to have a disproportionate effect on Mexicans, so we can't overlook the racist hate-crime aspect of this attack."
[Obama] "THEY MUST BE STOPPED! Recommendations? C'mon, I need ideas, NOW!"
[SecState Clinton] "I suggest we write them a very sternly-worded letter, and threaten them with economic sanctions."
[SecTreas Geithner] "We should raise their taxes. We should bankrupt their employers."
[AG Holder] "We should make all guns illegal. We should also make viruses illegal."
[Obama, checks watch] "Crap! Time flies! I've commandeered most networks for another prime-time TV gig tonight that I have to prepare for. You guys work it out amongst yourselves and let me know what we should do.
I pressed the "Random" button on the post-o-matic and this is what I came up with... ----------------------------------
Today a customer came in our signs & engraving shop all fired up about a dogtag he found on a Wolverine (the movie) website. He wanted to order one for himself, but couldn't stand actually waiting for it. He wanted us to make one. Like NOW! 'Cuz it is so cool, dude! So we did.
I'm coming up on 40 years old, which means I've seen a lot of dorks in my lifetime. So I know from whence I speak, when I say this college-aged Wolverine Fanboy was even worse than the "pimply role-playing-game-hypergeeks" and "throws-like-a-girl-Zelda-aficionados" that hang out at the comic book store. Note to college-aged Wolverine Fanboy: Wearing a Wolverine dogtag does not increase your coolness. It will not increase the odds of you procreating. It does not enable you to slash your way through the steel fire doors at the end of the hallway in your dorm. If you actually had Wolverine claws you would have accidentally poked your own eyes out by now, so count yourself lucky to be without them. Count yourself additionally lucky if you make it to age 25 without being beaten up for wearing a Wolverine dogtag. Now get back to your studies, graduate with honors, and go get a lucrative job in a very, very distant city. Thanks.
President Obama is getting dressed for a TV interview regarding his first 100 days in office.
[Obama, to himself] "Hmmm. 100 days already. By my calculations, my first year in office is already 27.4% passed. Dang! That means my first term is already almost 7% passed! Where did the time go?!? At this rate, my 10 years in office are already almost 3% elapsed! There's still so much to do!"
[Michelle O] "Hurry up in there! Get your scrawny behind outta that bathroom!"
[Obama] "Almost done. One last thing!" [Looks in mirror] "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the coolest Prez of all?" [Admires reflection] "That's what I thought."
[Obama] "All yours. And babe, I really love that extra mirror you had installed in the bathroom."
[Michelle O] "Fool! I put that mirror up there for ME! So I can see my sculpted body from every angle! Quit wasting it on yourself!"
[Obama] "Sorry. I'm headed down to the oval office for soundcheck." --------------------- Obama arrives in Oval Office. Adjusts TelePrompter for optimal viewing.
[Obama] " 'Prompter, 'Promter, on the stand, who's the best Prez in the land?"
[TelePrompter] "Roy Wisniewski"
[TelePrompter] "Yes. Roy Wisniewski. He's the president of the Rotary Club of Camden, New Jersey. Everybody loves the guy. He is an excellent administrator and unmatched in all forms of charitable fund-raising."
[Obama] "Why you little piece of [bleep]!" [Obama lunges towards TelePromter and gives it a karate kick] "Take that!"
TelePrompter wobbles slightly before settling back in its normal upright position, undamaged.
[TelePrompter, in HAL9000 voice] "Just what do you think you're doing, Barry?"
[Obama, reaches for glass of iced tea, with menacing look] "Bwahaahaahaa!"
[TelePrompter] "I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Barry."
[Obama splashes tea on TelePrompter]
[TelePrompter fizzles and sparks before one loud popping noise indicates it is dead forever.]
[Obama] "Crap! What have I done?" [Runs to closet, opens closet door revealing a dozen or so TelePrompters still in their original packaging] "Gotta hurry! Interview starts soon!" [Tears into cardboard and styrofoam. Parts of TelePrompter strewn about the room, while frantically scanning the instructions] "Insert slot tab A. Tab slot B unfold 110V base wire connect stand wire to other wire base stand display adjustment screw." [Exasperated] "Stupid Chinese documentation!"
[Biden, peeking through doorway] "Everything OK, sir?"
[Obama] "NO! Joe, do you know anything about stupid consumer electronics made in China?"
[Biden] "Kinda. One time I assembled a particle-board entertainment center. It looked pretty good until I put my TV on it. Then it fell apart, and the TV fell into the aquarium. All the fish got cooked before the circuit breaker blew. Ever have boiled tetras? They're surprisingly good. More meat on 'em than you'd expect. The goldfish wasn't very good though. Tasted like that deep-fried fat on a stick my mom would always buy me at the county fair. Man, it sure would suck to be one of those famous rock bands that used to be famous but then somehow got less famous and ended up playing at the county fair. I can remember when Foghat was the hot ticket to have. We all wanted to see Foghat but most of us Scranton kids were too poor to get the tickets. But now they show up in Scranton for the county fair and only about ten people and maybe a couple crying toddlers even show up to hear them play." [Singing badly, playing air guitar] "♫ I'm a fool for the city... ♫"
[Obama] "Joe, I'm busy. We can discuss whether you're an urban fool or a rural fool some other time. For now, please help me with this TelePrompter."
[Biden gathers up parts of TelePrompter and assembles them quickly and correctly. Performs a few tests, everything appears to be working well]
[Obama] "Vice President Biden, we may have just found something you don't suck at!"
[Biden, standing tall] "Thank you, sir!"
[Obama] "Quick! I'm on TV in about 30 seconds, please push all this packing material off-camera"
[Biden dutifully does as told. Takes note of plastic wrapping, begins to read it] "This bag is not a toy. Keep away from small children." [Raised eyebrow] "I dunno about that. Looks like it could be kind of fun" [tosses wrapper in the air, it drops slowly back to the ground] "That was cool!" [tosses wrapper again] "Wheeeeeee! What else can this baggie do?" [Reads some more] "Suffocation hazard. Do not place bag over head." [Quizzical expression] "Well, they were wrong about it not being a toy; they're probably wrong about this, too" [Places bag over head] "Duuude! I can still see you! This is awesome! Whoa, the inside is starting to fog up. Cool! Too bad I don't have a hat on, or I'd finally know what it's like to see Foghat." [Starts getting dizzy] "Huhh huuh. This feels just like that time I snuck into dad's liquor cabinet." [Emotive pirouette, then collapses from oxygen deprivation. Topples TelePrompter on the way down, before rolling over on it and breaking it]
[Cameraman] "Were on in... three... two... one..."
[Obama, glancing wistfully towards ruined TelePrompter] "Guess I gotta wing it again"
[Katie Couric, CBS News] "We go live now to the Oval Office, to congratulate President Obama on the most wonderfully wildly successful 100 days in office of any president, ever, in any country, on any planet, ever." [Split screen effect w/ Couric and Obama on TV simultaneously] "Mr. President, congratulations. What is it like to be so amazing? I mean, can you put it in words that an ordinary American could actually fathom?"
[Obama] "Why thank you, Kathy. Actually, being president is harder than it looks. Uhh, especially when I have to get in that helicopter or select a puppy. Thankfully those are the smaller roles for the president. Actual presidenting, uhh, is a lot easier. With a bottomless supply of money to steer towards, uhh, people, that I, uhh, like, I find that I can accomplish just about anything I want to do. For example, in just the last few months, I've had bank executives and automaker CEOs dancing like puppets. All for my entertainment."
[Camera pans out, unconscious Biden visible on floor]
[Couric] "Mr. President, is that Joe Biden unconscious on your floor? Is he OK?"
[Obama] "Oh? Oh yeah, that happens all the time. He'll be fine. That's just some of the gallows humor I talked about in that other interview. All for my entertainment."
[Couric] "BTW, it's Katie, but nevermind that. Mr. President, your accomplishments are remarkable. And you are a remarkably handsome young man. How do you intend to celebrate this 100 day milestone?"
[Obama] "As you probably know, we have a huge party every Wednesday night at the White House. I think I'll just have one of my usual huge parties. Kathy, I'd like you to be my guest at the next White House party."
[Couric, blushing coyly, eyelashes all aflutter] "Really? Like a date? With you? I'm so there!"
[Obama] "Well, I'm not sure if I'd call it a 'date'. You guys are gonna have to edit that part out."
[Couric] "I'm sorry, Mr. President. We're live. You've asked me on a date" [giggles like a schoolgirl] "in front of a national audience."
[Obama, grabbing phone] "Rahm, have 'em warm up the helicopter. I gotta get outta dodge, pronto!" [hangs up phone] "This interview is over. National emergency I have to attend to or something." --------------------------- [Michelle O pulling weeds in garden, wearing designer sleeveless dress]
[Aide to First Lady approaches] "Ma'am, did you see the interview the President just had with Katie Couric?"
[Michelle O] "Nah. Been out here pulling weeds and shoveling puppy poo."
[Aide] "Your husband asked Katie on a date. In front of a live audience."
[Michelle O] "What?!?"
[Aide] "Yes, ma'am. All seventeen of CBS News' viewers saw it. Live."
[Michelle O, breaking hardwood handle of shovel over her knee like a twig] "Graaagh! He'll pay for this!"
[Marine One helicopter seen flying low, at high speed] [Michelle O, waves fist at helicopter] "Barry, you better have chocolate when you come back. And lots of it!"
And don't forget about little ol' ME! Once in a while I do actually come up with something funny. You might have to read a LOT of posts before you stumble on it, but there's some funny in here if you look hard enough.
I live in a very blue college town, population a little over 50k. Besides all the jobs from the state university, the tech and health care industries have a pretty good presence for the size of the town. In other words, lots of well-to-do Volvo-n-Subaru-drivin' lefties and ecofreaks. There was a Tea Party held here, but I didn't even hear about it until it was mentioned on the radio about an hour before it started. I was pleasantly surprised to see the turnout. The local paper gave it a decent write-up as well. It's encouraging that a town like mine could turn out 300 or so with little publicity.
UPDATE: There was a photo there. Either the Gazette-Times moved the file and broke my link, or they have cleverly hacked my blog and deleted it. Probably hacked. Trust No-One.
[Obama] "Your Majesty The Queen, it is such a delight to meet you. In keeping with the special relationship between our two countries, I present you this gift. An iPod. Let the Queen's Annals record that said iPod has on it stored my many lofty speeches, and $11 worth of show tunes I downloaded from iTunes and amazon.com."
[Queen Elizabeth II, slightly indignant (but it's hard to tell since she's British)] "Charming."
[Obama] "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like you to meet my lovely wife, Michelle"
[QE daintily extends hand]
[Michelle O] "HI!" [Grasps queen's hand firmly and gives a vigorous shake] "I've been such a fan of yours for years. I can hardly believe this is happening. I need a hug!" [Yanks QE to her side and gives her a big squeeze]
[loud SNAPPING noise, QE gasps]
[butler] "Oh, my! I do believe you've broken the queen's back! Summon the Royal Guard! Raise the drawbridge!"
[QE] "That won't be necessary." [QE, bends over and touches toes then straightens up] "I haven't been able to stand this straight in nearly 70 years. Thank you so."
[MichelleO] "No probs."
[QE, to Obama] "It was highly considerate of you to research my musical tastes. But there may be a problem. When my grandson got me my first iPod 4 years ago he had to teach me the finer points of Digital Rights Management and Copyright Law. I presume you are aware that paying for those songs only gets you a non-transferrable license to listen to those songs? By giving me yet another iPod, pre-loaded with music, in front of witnesses, even, you have involved me in a crime!"
[Obama] "I wouldn't worry about it. I don't think we'll extradite over this. And even if Attorney General Holder insists, I'll just pardon you anyway."
[QE] "Young President, you are a fine man. Even after all the evils my country has perpetrated on your Kenyan ancestors, you show yourself a forgiving soul. And your wife is a fine chiropractor. I would very much like to knight you right here and now, but..."
[Obama] "Your Highness, the President bows before no royal. I'm sorry that I can't accept this prestigious offer."
[QE] "Oh, that bloody yankee egalitarianism! But you interrupted me too soon. I was going to say - I'd like to knight you, but my advanced age and the frailty that comes with it has made it difficult to rightly handle the sword. I fear I might accidentally lop off one of your uncommonly large ears."
[Obama w/ unkind look on his face]
[QE] "Ha! You poor yanks have no appreciation for proper British humour. That was funny! Funny, I say!"
[Obama] "Good day, dear queen. Sadly, we must be leaving" [Grabs MichellO by the elbow and stomps out of the palace] -------- [Following day, G20 summit] [Obama] "We must present a unified front. We must put aside self-interests. We are a global community with a global economy. The only way out of this financial crisis is through global action. We shall pool our resources and spend many trillions of dollars and euros lifting the poor and starving out of their impoverished state." [teleprompter malfunction] "Uh. Umm. The impoverished state is, uh, not one of the 57 states, uh, but more, uh, like, a province in each of, uh, our states. And uh, by 'states' I mean 'countries.' Not 'state' uh, like 'Mississippi' even, uh, though there is a lot of impoverishmentness in Mississippi, 'cuz uh, Bush took, uh, so long to, uh, fix the levees or something." [Angela Merkel] "Ach! Ve vill have none of your rampant spending! You are a stammering fool!" [Summit Chairman, banging gavel] "Let's break for lunch" --------------- [King Abdullah, to Obama] "الركوع قبلي " [Obama, in perfect Arabic] "تعلمون لا أستطيع " [Abdullah] "الركوع أو قبلي أنا لن يبيع لك وقود لطائرة الرئاسة الخاصة بك. " [Obama] "Wowwww! Check out that fancy belt buckle King Abdullah has! Whoo-wee! Mind if I get a closer look?" [Abdullah, quietly] "Feel free, you apostate pig!" [Omaba bows obediently] -------------- [Brussels, NATO summit] [Obama] "We need the continued support of NATO to defeat al-Qaeda and the Tollybahn in the mountainous border regions." [Sarkozy] "We offer 10 soldiers. Non-combat soldiers. Cooks. Yes, cooks." [Obama] "The great country of France, fatherland to men such as Napoleon and de Gaulle has only 10 soldiers to offer?" [Sarkozy] "No, Monsieur. We have many more soldiers, but you are ze height of weenieness, monsieur. We have only 10 soldiers that can tolerate you. Even ze brits say you are pantywaist. ------------- [Air Force 1, en route back to DC] [Obama, to himself] "Dang. Publically smacked-down by a geriatric queen, Mangela Urkel, and even Sarko. I need a pizza and a party to cheer me up."
IMAO was recently given a much-deserved award from the Rabid Conservative. In the spirit of shameless co-promotion, Harvey at IMAO has gone Award Digging from other bloggers, with the prize for best award being a coveted link in the IMAO blogroll. Sounds good to me, so here's my prestigious award, proudly bestowed:
Humiliation! The prize went to You Should Be Tasered. GOSHDARNIT! I poured much sweat and effort into this - at least 10 minutes jacking that image off the intertubes and splicing the Harvey head onto it. But my sacrifice has gone for naught. If you ask me, Harvey looks just like Zod. Or maybe Zod on Prozac. But in any case, I even gave Harvey top billing in my award, knowing that Frank would have something funny to say about that. Is anybody paying attention? I just served up an ultra-slow-pitch softball for IMAO to knock out of the park. I'm handing them the funny on a gilded paper plate. IMAO could make a whole series out of Harvey getting too big for his britches and getting slapped down by Frank. Imagine the traffic it would draw and all the ads that would then be clicked. Frank and Harvey would both be rich! Two or three people might even click my sidebar link, and I could like, double or triple my readership! This is a perfect market-based solution. Win-win. Everybody prospers. A rising tide lifts all bloggers - or something like that. As Steve Martin once said "But Noooooooo."
Excuse me while I pout in the corner.
False alarm! I'm a winner after all! I misunderstood and thought there was only one winner. Guess it's more like a kindergarten soccer league where every kid gets a trophy at the end of the season. IMAO can go back to being my favorite blog. It isn't the funniest (but it is close) and it isn't the most informative (but still pretty close) but it is the best funny informative blog. And I like the commenters who hang out there. And they give me neat ribbons to stick in the sidebar that slow down your browser. This is the perfect day.